This is a special type of format for a poem. If you want to see the original format look up "Abuelito Who" by Sandra Cisneros. This was a class assigned project.
Forgotten who uses words like play-dough
and ask, "Am I your best friend?"
Who is needles and hugs
Who is a knife and is hiding behind my back
Whose heart is surrounded by ice,
is to hidden to be exposed today.
Who tells me I love you.
Who tells me I will never be there for you.
Whose notes are deceiving,
can't tell me their lies anymore.
Hides me in their backpack.
Who use to hold me dear,
is lost.
Is a plastic bag sinking in the river.
Is spiteful though I need you!
Doesn't live in my life anymore,
is fallen underneath the pages.
Who still tries to control me,
is notes and knifes and all heart.
Who thought I stole their heart,
Is the best friend that answered, "No."
Asking can I still be your best friend?
Who loves forgotten?
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Oh, I'M SO SORRY. I've written this draft like, weeks ago, and I forgot to post it. Awww...I hope I can still help even if this was requested and written a long time ago. Last year. :p ='|
“Abuelito Who” Assignment
Here's the post:
Hey, girl! Aww...Boo loves you. Of course, I do. (LOL) Anyway, I'm here at last. I'm Jash, relatives call me Aboo, Boo for short, and that was so random. I'd like to thank you yeah for the request. I'm here at last. =) Sorry for being slow. I can see that you've already gotten a few good reviews. I won't have the time to read them, so sorry if I repeat anything. It's inadvertent. =)
Oh, before I start, I just want to say that I've looked up "Abuelito Who", and I'll try to review according to what I've read this assignment should be:
Spoiler
Your task is to write a poem, in the style of “Abuelito Who,” about someone who means a lot to you. It can be someone you see every day, someone who isn’t around anymore, or even someone you aren’t actually close with (such as a celebrity!) – as long as you have strong feelings about that person and know a lot about him or her!
• Start by making a list of things that remind you of the person – places, objects, food, animals, household items, etc.
• To this list, add things that this person does or has done
• Using a style similar to Cisneros’, turn this list into a descriptive poem
Here comes my review! =D/ I'm actually excited. I'll pretend I'm your teacher today.
NITPICKS
I'm not so sure with the "their"... probably it?
Just for consistency and grammatical matters. =)
Here's your score!:
Spoiler
___ - Have a “_____ Who” title (1 pts)
___ - Include at least eight uses of figurative language (metaphor, personification, etc.) (10 pts)
___ - Create an engaging picture of the person you are describing (5 pts)
___ - Be neatly written or typed (2 pts)
___ - Contain no spelling errors (2 pts)
___ / 20 Total
1 pt. - Have a “_____ Who” title (1 pts)
>> "Forgotten Who"
- Include at least eight uses of figurative language (metaphor, personification, etc.) (10 pts)
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
The last one, I think, is paradoxical. But most figurative language are metaphorical.
5 pts - Create an engaging picture of the person you are describing (5 pts)
2 pts. - Be neatly written or typed (2 pts)
2 pts. - Contain no spelling errors (2 pts)
Total: 20 pts
Overall, even though there's already a format to be followed, this was written pretty well. NIce job, Boo!
KEEP WRITING!
~ Jash ♥
Remember its a format. Some lines you can't change with out going out of format.
I always meant to review this peom but never got around too it! This is wonderful and it has a lot of feeling in it. I really like the entire thing but maybe you could change the beginning line, it seems kind of out of place. Overall I liked the format and everything, the first line seemed to be off.
Keep writing
-Rayne
Hey, it's me again! Pink is corrections!
Who 'sneedles and hugs
Who 'sa knife and is hiding behind my back
I see the point your trying to get across when you say "who is" but the word roll better with "who's"
As my reviewers before me noticed, add puncuation! it adds alot of emotion and drasticness to the piece. (also, it get's us off your back!)
Who still tries to control me,
is notes and knifes and all heart.
Who thought I stole their heart,
Is the best friend that answered, "No."
Asking can I still be your best friend?
Who loves forgotten?
Something about that line confuses me. What's with the two hearts? The last line doesn't seem quiete right to me. To such a dramatic poem the ending should be more...final. Other than that great job and keep writing.
Hey! Teardrop here! I'm no real great at reviewing poems but I'll give it a shot.
Okay, I think you could add punctuation to these few lines. If you intended the reader to pause before the next line but continue then probobly a comma, but if not then a period. ( There is also explanation point, if excitment, but you know that : ) Also, I suggest trying to get the poem to flow a bit better. A poem sounds cool when it has a good flow, and this is what it lacks. This was kind of confusing, but overall, I really liked it! : D Nice job!
~ Teardrop
Oh, Thanks good point. I wasn't sure on the punctuation, because the original barely had any ( I mean the original format ) But I changed it =D.
Hello Oolo! Here to review, as I so promised on chat.
The first thing I want to say about this is that it was definitely an interesting poem. You had some good imagery, especially since it was a school project and you had to use a certain format. (That can be difficult to do sometimes, I know.)
Just a few things I want to point out here:
1) Your first line was a little awkward as one to start on. The first line definitely wasn't my favourite, but it wasn't so bad, either.
2) A few punctuation issues:
You need to punctuate the lines. Not all of them need commas or anything, but you need to punctuate a poem just like you do a story. (It's a little difficult in poetry, though.)
For example:
Should probably be something like:
And:
Should be something like:
So yeah, you get the idea.
Over all though, this poem was pretty good. I was quite impressed, like I said before, especially since you had a bunch of rules to work with. Poems with certain layouts can be rather difficult to do!
Thanks for the read!
~Isha