It was exceptionally hot that day. The sun beat down on us like a blazing furnace, roasting us. Beads of sweat gathered along my forehead and dripped down my back. I had cracked lips and a parched throat that cried out for water. I obeyed, pouring the remaining contents of the bottle down my throat, savoring the moment. We had been walking for almost two hours now. My feet weren’t use to this. The heels of my feet were beginning to ache with every step, legs shaking under the weight and pressure, until I felt I was going to collapse abruptly in a heap on the warm dusty ground and melt. Regardless of the pain, I moved on, I would make it to the end.
“It’s too hot and too far” My brother moaned “Are we even there yet? Why did we have to come here in the first place?”
“Stop being so lazy” My mother scowled at him “You’re a teenage boy not an old man, so grow up!”
“Yes” My father agreed, “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and no one else is complaining”
I smirked at my brother. He glared at me.
The path we followed was shaped by the mountains on either side, in a sort of zig-zag manner. I remember being mesmerized by the bizarre yet remarkable sand/stone patterns on the rock wall, diverse shades of red, orange, yellow, brown and white all merged and blended together to give a rosy-red effect. We were almost there. I could feel it! I carried on step after step when all of a sudden I could see it! Just through the curved gap that the two facing mountains made.
I moved faster and faster, getting closer and closer as if what I saw was drawing me in. I felt a burst of energy with each new step. I was no longer weak. Within a matter of seconds, I was through the gap and found myself completely overwhelmed. Was I really gazing upon The Treasury, Al-Khazneh, the lost city of Petra. Was this real? It was…. It was…. spectacular, such a beautiful and magical place. It was like being on a totally different planet. Words alone cannot describe the sensation of I felt standing amongst one of the oldest civilizations in history, amongst astounding ruins and treasures.
What inspired me that day was how the ancient Nabateans were able to carve an entire city out of rock and for that city to have remained standing to this very day, thousands of years later. It got me thinking of how people are able to leave their mark on the world by leaving something behind for us to remember them by. That mark could be a painting, a speech, a story, a poem, a song, a building, a simple action. That mark can change us, change our way of thinking, our perspective and interpretation of life. Forever and for the better. As Martin Luther King Jr. said many years ago "We are not makers of history. We are made by history"
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125,010 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
Hey Book Worm! This is Cookie reporting here to review for you!
I can see that there isn't much conversation made here in this short story. Mainly, its more of a descriptive story which I, all the same, enjoyed reading. I'm really impressed of what message you were trying to give through this story. This one question went whirling in my head until I reached the end, "Where is this girl going?" and that's when you talk about Petra. Pretty awesome if you ask me.
Now, the nitpicks I saw here are, the story didn't describe about protagonist much. Which was kind of needed because throughout the story, we needed to know what kind of person she was. Was she the adventurous one? Or did she have that attitude that she was too goody-to-shoes to go on an adventure? From her wearing heels, it kind of confused me.
"What inspired me that day was how the ancient Nabateans were able to carve an entire city out of rock and for that city to have remained standing to this very day, thousands of years later. It got me thinking of how people are able to leave their mark on the world by leaving something behind for us to remember them by. That mark could be a painting, a speech, a story, a poem, a song, a building, a simple action. That mark can change us, change our way of thinking, our perspective and interpretation of life. Forever and for the better. As Martin Luther King Jr. said many years ago "We are not makers of history. We are made by history"
The last passage is what was disturbing me. It sounds so rushed, like you just wanted to get it over with. Who were the Nabateans? Describe them. What was their History? What was Petra known for? Why was it so magical and beautiful? There had to be some reason behind it, right? And another thing I found it that, half your sentences with the inverted commas(") don't have a full-stop. That's just a minor problem but it can be disturbing sometimes because readers tend to think that's the continuation.
All in all, you may need to edit it a little more but you're really good when comes to describing characters, surrounding, etc. What it needed was a little more polishing and more of conversation. I see no mistakes with the grammar, so keep up the good work!
Keep Writing!
xoxo,
ChocoCookie
Petra. Yes, it does do that to a person. Exhausts you and then right when you're about to give up... Bam! your overwhelmed with beauty.
Your description of the walk is very well done. You talk about it beautifully, with the different colored sandstone and the inspiration it has on the main character.
I would suggest you put a little bit more information in about the main character: the names, purpose of being in Petra etc.
Overall, though, great job.
Sylvia.
Thank you so much your kinds words. You see this piece of writing was done for school and had to be around 130 words no more or no less. So I tried to do my best in that word limit!!
Wow. Just wow. How did you even think of this story? This is the most inspiring piece of literature I ever read! I really enjoyed reading this, and you even have a Martin Luther King Jr. reference!!! And two-hour walk is a long hike! I only suggest that you say what the person's name is (and his brothers name, too) and also maybe where he's from, etc...
But again, nice story!
Thank you so much! Im glad you like it!
Ok!
Number one, I am getting right to the issues because they are screaming at me.
1) In speech, it is written like so, "His name is bob." There needs to be a punctuation mark at the end of each speech or quote.
2) Sand/stone. Which is it? I need to know. Is it sand or stone or both?
3) I wasn't excited by that description, I know the feeling, but you didn't capture it.
4) We need more. This was very short. And we simply need more.
Okay, it was pretty good, but we need more, special attention to numbers 1, 2, 3, and 4.
Ok?
Thanks,
ShadowWings
I can see where you are coming from and will try and improve on that point about the description. About the punctuation marks at the end of speech, I actually didn't notice but thanks for pointing it out!!
Hi, I enjoyed the story. There were a few mistake but nothing major. Not to me anyway.
i'm not an expert though. But good work.
Thank you for taking the time to read it!!
Hey there, Bookworm! I'll do what I can to review, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask. :] Corrections will be in brackets.
"It was exceptionally hot that day. [[As far as opening sentences go, this one fails to impress. Also, it's important to note that adverbs generally weaken whatever statement you're making, so they shouldn't be used often. When attempting to make a bold opening statement, it's probably best to leave them out.]] The sun beat down on us like a blazing furnace, roasting us. [[A bit cliche, but I like that you're building up the scene.]] Beads of sweat gathered along my forehead and dripped down my back. I had cracked lips and a parched throat that cried out for water. I obeyed, pouring the remaining contents of the bottle down my throat, savoring the moment. [[This description is a lot better, and really opens up the scene with a lot of sensory detail.]] We had been walking for almost two hours now. My feet weren’t [[used]] to this. [[My heels]] were beginning to ache with every step, legs shaking under the weight and pressure, until I felt I was going to collapse abruptly [[get rid of "abruptly"]] in a heap on the warm dusty ground and melt. Regardless of the pain, I moved on[[;]] I would make it to the end.
“It’s too hot and too far[[,]]” [[m]]y brother moaned[[.]] “Are we even there yet? Why did we have to come here in the first place?”
“Stop being so lazy[[.]]” My mother scowled at him [[Get rid of "at him."]] “You’re a teenage boy not an old man, so grow up!” [[Maybe get rid of the "so grow up!" because a) You're pointing out the fact that he's young within your argument, and therefore able to make the trek and b) it sounds kind of childish to be coming from the mother.
“Yes[[,]]" [[m]]y father agreed, “[[t]]his is a once in a lifetime opportunity, and no one else is complaining[[.]]”
I smirked at my brother. He glared at me. [[I feel like this acknowledgement doesn't make sense - and doesn't make your character all too likable. It's basically the only glimpse of his/her personality that we've seen, and reveals very little without the context of their relationship. Why smirk?]]
The path we followed was shaped by the mountains on either side, in a sort of zig-zag manner. I remember being mesmerized by the bizarre yet remarkable sand/stone patterns on the rock wall, diverse shades of red, orange, yellow, brown and white all merged and blended together to give a rosy-red effect. [[Good description here!]] We were almost there. I could feel it! [[Typically, avoid using exclamation points in writing; it often reads as corny and overly-dramatic rather than as excited.]] I carried on step after step when all of a sudden I could see it! Just through the curved gap that the two facing mountains made.
I moved faster and faster, getting closer and closer as if what I saw was drawing me in. [["faster and faster" and "closer and closer" were pretty redundant - so I'd advise you cut one (or both).]] I felt a burst of energy with each new step. I was no longer weak. Within a matter of seconds, I was through the gap and found myself completely overwhelmed. Was I really gazing upon The Treasury, Al-Khazneh, the lost city of Petra. Was this real? It was…. It was…. spectacular, such a beautiful and magical place. It was like being on a totally different planet. Words alone cannot describe the sensation of I felt standing amongst one of the oldest civilizations in history, amongst astounding ruins and treasures. [[I feel as though you give up on the description here. You suddenly fall into a vague "beautiful, magical place" description that pulls us out of the story, because you don't give us enough detail to feed off of. Make sure to bring your reader along with you into the story.]]
What inspired me that day was how the ancient Nabateans were able to carve an entire city out of rock and for that city to have remained standing to this very day, thousands of years later. It got me thinking of how people are able to leave their mark on the world by leaving something behind for us to remember them by. That mark could be a painting, a speech, a story, a poem, a song, a building, a simple action. That mark can change us, change our way of thinking, our perspective and interpretation of life. Forever and for the better. As Martin Luther King Jr. said many years ago "We are not makers of history. We are made by history" [[And finally, my issue with this entire final passage is that it starts to sound like a middle-school essay - a rushed, canned, wrapped-up summary that does very little to satisfy the reader and exposes an "oh yeah!" moment where you seem to be trying to toss in a little depth at the end there. It reveals the fact that you don't really have a developed idea yet, and you're struggling to make this a finished, cohesive piece.]]
Overall, this needs work, but there is also a glimmer of potential. If nothing else, it needs to be cleaned up and given more time for the story to unravel. We aren't even given the time to care about the plot because you are so quick to get the story over with. We can't be excited with the characters because we don't even know what's going on for most of the story, and even when you DO fill us in we aren't really able to truly glimpse the scenario complexly because of the lack of detail. This was very, very rushed, so make sure to take the time to really invest in your story and help it develop.
I hope this helps. Keep writing, and best wishes. xxx
I completely agree with what your saying. I wrote this around a year ago and thought I'd give it a shot. You've definitely giving me something to think about and I'll make sure I take that into consideration in the future!
Thanks
Normally I would spend my time nitpicking the entire work, but I'm going to try to step away from that right now.
“It’s too hot and too far” My brother moaned
Right after this one thing:
Spoiler
You do this three times in a row. You need to end quotes with a punctuation mark, and since you continue making the character speak afterwards, then these first lines should end in commas. Also, the out of quote parts should end in commas as well, for the same reason of continuing the speech afterwards.
Other than that, there are just minor grammatical errors that need to be fixed, but that could be done with some simple revision.
As for the story itself, I'm left with a bit of an empty feeling. Is this a small part to a larger text you are working on? Or will there be more added on to it? While this isn't my particular cup of tea, you'd be sure to grip another type reader on with this work and it wouldn't be fair to leave them hanging like this.
You seem like you're trying to leave us with a message, but the work is much too short for that, especially after introducing all the characters you did. We feel no connection with them and I start to feel as if they're just there to take up space. The narrator his/herself is hard to figure out. We see excitement from them over this city place, but that's about it. We're supposed to connect with characters, especially the narrator.
Now don't get me wrong, this isn't a bad work at all. It just needs some fleshing out. Give us a reason to feel the excitement the narrator is feeling, let us connect, let us get lost in the story. The more involved we feel, the more of the message we'll feel, we're understand the point you were trying to get across much better.
Anyway, great work. Keep on writing
I understand what you're saying. I, myself, was rather unsure about this particular piece of writing and wanted others opinion on it. Thank you for taking the time to write a really long review!!
Hello! Kingofwernogs here, reviewing your first story. I have to say, this story was great. It really evoked a sense of awe and captured the feelings of the narrator. However, I do have some suggestions and corrections to give you. First off, I think you should say "my lips were cracked" instead of "I had cracked lips". Also, "'Yes' My father agreed" should be "'Yes,' my father agreed" and you forgot a period at the end of that sentence I also think that "for that city to have remained standing" should be replaced with "how that city remains standing today". Also, in the last paragraph, there should not be a period between "life" and "forever".
Thank you for you kind words and suggestions. It means a lot!
Sorry about this!
No problem
Sorry