Prologue
King Raenar strode into the gardens, hearing greetings from guard and servant alike, but he ignored them all, his cloak sweeping behind him. His silver crown glowed in the moonlight, and the air smelled of roses. The cobbled path before him made his metal boots clank, piercing the once silent area, and becoming a hastily rhythm of clamoring. He took a sharp turn and found himself walking side by side with a small stream that lead to a large pond. A mini waterfall spewed into the pond, sending mist spiraling around it.
Raenar turned left this time, going around the pond until he was going straight again. Guards and servants were beginning to grow sparse, which was how he wanted it if he was going to have words with the Gods. He kept walking down the path, which was still cobblestone, but it now had tall bushes that grew a few inches over his head.
He met a decline in the road, and began to slow as he went carefully downwards. He felt his sword wagging in its sheath at his waist, and he was all to aware of the pinching the daggers were doing in his tunic. Normally, mere weapons like these would not harm a God, but King Raenar was on a path towards Godhood, and that granted him uncanny abilities and powers, making him already the strongest man alive. He'd started enjoying that particular perk from the very beginning, especially in times of war; none dared oppose after word got out that even some of the most powerful Kingdoms could not defeat him
Raenar abruptly stopped going downhill and the path evened out. There was now no one it sight, for he'd now left the gardens, and was now in a land beyond the castle, in a land beyond his own city even. But he had been here before, many times in fact. He has scouted here for months, examining all its faults and secrets, searching for all the danger it had hidden, until at last he'd found something magical. It was a forest, but it wasn't a regular forest with wild cats, deer, and the occasional goblin. No. It had creatures like man had never seen. It had sights like none could even imagine.
In the near distance, Raenar could see such forest, which he'd come to call Mythical Woodland. It was the place where he could contact the Gods, who could create the legend her wanted. The perfect legend. He would tell them of his demands, and if they did as they were told, he would use his own God-like powers to do whatever they wanted him to do in the real world. Whatever they wanted him to do. If they agreed, he would be forever bound in their debt.
He really couldn't see a flaw in his plans, mainly because he had nothing to live for. He'd given his Kingdom a son, who would rule when he died doing some absurd task the Gods had given. He'd even given his Kingdom two daughters, both of which could be married off to another city so that the two Kingdoms might join together in peace. And his wife... he cared not for her, and he knew she felt the same way. They had not married for love, they'd married because they both hailed from the two of the most powerful cities. They'd known if they got married, their homelands would unite as well, creating the strongest army in the world. Which was the most important thing, especially when life was all about survival, and staying alive just to try again tomorrow.
King Raenar was now at the edge of Mythical Woodland. He drew his golden sword for safe measure, and stepped into the brilliant forest that only he knew of. Despite the dense amounts trees and the leaves that never fell, only grew, upon their branches, Mythical Woodland was as bright as the morning sun, yet dark enough to give it a mysterious and peaceful feeling.
Raenar increased his pace, his heart thudding with excitement at the thought of having his wish fulfilled. He'd been thinking on it for a long time, planning everything out, deciding exactly what he was going to say to the Gods, and making sure his offers in return sounded appealing. If his plan worked... if the Gods did exactly what he told them... Raenar smiled darkly. It was just all too perfect.
He continued down a narrow path that he'd created himself by traveling down it often. A few branch-es still reached out and smacked him, but after many times of that happening, he'd learned exactly where they were; some were hidden, perhaps by an unseen magic. He continued down this dirt path until it stopped, now either turning left or right. He took the left path, but hadn't walked down it even a minute before veering away, taking a short cut through territory he not often walked upon.
A snarl reached Raenar's ears and he froze, tightening his grip on his sword. He heard sound behind him and whirled around just in time to throw a lunging creature off of him. The creature stumbled to the ground, but got up just as quickly as it had fallen. It snarled, baring its teeth and lifting its hackles.
The creature almost looked like a wolf, with its dog-like body, long muzzle, and bushy tail. But its ears stuck straight up and were tipped with bright green leaves. In fact, its whole pelt, which was black, was spotted with medium sized leaves, some having stems so long they allowed them to dangle all the way to the ground, while others had ones so short the leaves didn't stop rubbing against its fur.
The creature pounced, jumping higher and swifter than any animal Raenar had ever seen. He lifted his sword to gash the creature in midair, but, looking as if it could fly, it twisted just in time to evade the attack and landed on the ground next to him.
Raenar moved to slice its head off, but the creature, as if somehow knowing his next move, dropped to the ground and rolled away from him. The creature then let out a fearsome howl and dashed out of sight.
Raenar looked about him, concerned the animal would come up from behind and tear out the back of his neck. So he flinched and spun around at every sound, every sight. He could heard growls and cackles of laughter. And rage began to boil inside him, causing his lips to curl and his eyes to become bloodshot. This animal would not get the best of him, nor would it make take pleasure in his fear and anger.
He sheathed his sword and let out a calming breath, continuing his journey to speak with the Gods. On he walked, ears intent on listening to everything. He made sure not to let himself tense, so that the creature would think he no longer cared that it was tracking him. He made sure to stay relaxed while still remaining alert, ready to react to any surprise attack that may come his way.
Soon, he found himself at a small stream with a slow moving current. He bent down to get a drink of water, expecting this to be the time the creature attacked, since he was in a vulnerable spot, but nothing happened. After drinking his fill, he wading through the stream, which he crossed in two somewhat large steps. He then stamped his boots on the ground to dry them before traveling onwards. He was close now, he could feel the power radiating from the sacred place, sending waves of strength though him, but he knew from experience it was just an illusion; he gained no strength by coming here, just the emotion of it, which would leave him the moment he strayed too far.
King Raenar stepped into a large clearing, where above, he could see the night sky, yet the area around him was light. In the center of the clearing sat a huge, golden shrine of a man. That man was the God-Lord, the ruler of them all, with his flawless powers of death and destruction. Most called him by the name of Throll, but he had a few, less common names that others called him. The shrine was bathed in magical white light that made his features all the more ruthless. He held a shining sword to his chest and a crown sat upon his head.
Raenar's legs began to shake with the amount of magic that surrounded this place. The first time he'd been here, he'd actually fallen, but he had grown used to the feeling now, though it still felt overwhelming. He stopped just a foot away from the shrine, staring up at Throll's face.
“I call upon the Gods so that I may offer them an exchange!” he shouted, sheathing his sword. “I call upon any one of your Gods who would be willing to hear me out.”
Throll's statue vanished, leaving only the sparkling light. Then a transparent figure appeared, becoming more visible each moment. And soon, a woman towered above him, her golden hair draped beautifully around her thin shoulders. Her dark eyes shone under curled eyelashes, and she wore a stunning white lace dress, which was studded with jewels far finer than he'd ever seen.
Raenar fell to his knees, now feeling overpowered by being in the presence of a Goddess. And not just any Goddess, she was Throll's wife, the Goddess of Life and Justice. She went by only one name; Aduna. And that was a name that kept evildoers up at night, wondering if they were going to survive another day, or be killed off by the Goddess who protected all things good and destroyed all things bad.
Raenar bowed his head, trying to control his breathing and pounding heart. “Thank you for answering my summon, Goddess Aduna,” he rasped to the ground. “I was not expecting someone of your power to show.” He could feel her eyes boring into his skull, it felt like he was on fire. He swallowed hard, releasing a ragged breath.
“What offer does a petty King of Threndorr have that would be good enough for my acceptance?” The Goddess' voice boomed with power.
King Raenar lifted his head, meeting the Goddess' gaze for half a second before having to look away because of the fear the raced down his spine. But not even the fear could make him forget, or even hesitate, to ask what he wanted of her. And now that he was here, he was certain she would agree, he could feel it.
*
(I'm still unsure whether I'm publishing the rest of the chapters. Getting good feedback would help.)
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Hi! Cricket here for a review!
I saw that you had posted a prologue of a new story, so I figured I should take a look.
Before I really go into this, I'm going to mainly try and focus on giving you my honest opinion on it, for the most part. So here goes.
Okay, when I first started reading this I was bored to death. Now, don't get me wrong. The content in itself was good, and it was well written. But the first line was boring. Not only the first line, but the first paragraph. I read it, and if I hadn't had the intention of reviewing, I probably wouldn't have read past the first paragraph. When you're trying to keep the attention of the reader in full, you have to start by getting their attention in the beginning. And that includes first line, and paragraph. Put it this way. If somebody walks by and picks up your book from the shelf, opens it up, you want it to where their attention is grabbed first thing! See what I mean? In order for somebody to read the book, you have to have an exciting beginning, or at least an exciting way of putting things across. Dull description of somebody walking, won't cut it. Go for something that when somebody glances over the page over after just randomly picking it up, their attention will be instantaneously grabbed. Action would be a good way of course, but a certain line or phrase that is directed towards something that is about to happen, would be good as well. Just a thought.
Also, it wouldn't be a bad idea to cut out his walk completely, or shorten it a bit. I mean, a prologue with a guy walking in the woods for most of it? The last part was excellent, but the entire thing needed to start that way. Not just a roaming around with description, but something actually happening so that our attention could be grabbed. See what I mean?
This is more of a stylistic choice than anything, but I figured I should mention it all the same. Get rid of the semi-colon and make that part of the sentence its own. In nearly all cases, I think you should try to avoid the usage of semi-colons as all they do is break up the overall flow of the sentence.
Whoaaah, careful there.This seems like a bit of an info dump, really. I'd suggest cutting some of it out, if not all and just focus on what's going on right now. Info dumps are not helpful when you're trying to get the story to move forward. The one thing about info dumps is that once you start giving back story, the entire actual story comes to a screeching halt. And that is why you have to be subtle about it. Give it to us little bits at time, and avoid doing that in the prologue. Make sense?
This may just be what you had decided on, but shouldn't Gods be not capitalized? That question goes for the rest of the piece.
Okay, I think that's it for now! Sorry, if this seemed a little harsh or something. That truly was not my intent, but I know you can take it, sooo... Basically just how exciting it is needs to be worked on. The grammar is actually very good in my opinion, and you have very little issue when it comes to flow. There's just that one small little problem with the first part of this. Other than that, you did spectacular.
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Woah, thanks a lot for this review!
I totally get what you're saying about the beginning, it is quite slow and not very captivating. But truthfully, I think I'll keep it generally the same. I'll definitely tweak it a bit, though, and maybe that will help.

I really appreciate it. <3
I did not find your review harsh, so no worries.
As for capitalizing 'Gods', yes, at first I did decide that I was going to keep it that way no matter what. But after multiple people pointing it out, I thought about it again, and I've now chosen to change it.
Thank you again!
Hello!

As soon as I read the first paragraph, I was already thinking- Percy Jackson, Percy Jackson, PERCY JACKSONNNNNNN!
Of course you don't have to publish the rest of the chapters, but if you don't, I hope you continue to right them on paper/type on computer....
It looks like all I was going to say was mentioned by @steampowered except for one thing...
Easily fixed, and I'm sure it was just a small typo!

Great job, and keep writing! 


This is a great start to a book!
In the third paragraph the last word- "him" needs to have a period after it.
Other than that, I couldn't find anything wrong!
~Snazzy
Stay Awesome
Lol, thank you for the review!
I really can't believe I forgot to put a period.... Like really, that's the most newbie-ish mistake ever! 

And I'll always stay awesome -- it's in my nature!!
Good...you better stay awesome...

When I was reading this I got the impression that it was a slightly different type of fantasy from the epic 1,000 page paving slabs that grace the shelves of most bookshops. It had a sense of uniqueness about it, perhaps more in the realms of Rachel Aaron and Terry Pratchett than the super-serious like Robert Jordan (I don't know if that was what you were aiming for, but I like the style)

You have some interesting ideas here, including the concept of godhood – you’ve clearly done some world building prior to writing this. I also love the character you've created - King Raenar comes across as being wonderfully flawed, corrupted by his power but still a believable human being (he is human, isn't he?) I don’t know if he’s going to end up being the main character or not (I'm kind of assuming he isn't) but I thought he was great (and I love his name!)
You also have some nice imagery in your prologue; for example, the waterfall spewing into the pond and the spiralling mist which really helped me to picture the scene. However, I’m not sure about this bit:
"His silver crown glowed in the moonlight, and the air smelled of roses."
To my way of thinking neither really relates to the other. I like the air smelling of roses, but I think it would be better to separate them. The use of the word "moonlight" is important in conveying the idea that the action takes place at night, because I assumed it was the daytime when I started reading. So maybe you could keep "moonlight" in the first paragraph and move the smell of the air to the second paragraph?
If you wanted to add something in place of "the air smelled of roses" why not make a reference to something else the king is wearing or build on the bit about the silver crown? For example: "his silver crown glowed in the moonlight, the jewels embedded round the rim sparkling like coloured stars."
(It’s probably a bit cheesy for you to want to use, but hopefully it illustrates my point)
I'm not sure if the capitalisations of "Gods" or "Kingdom" are strictly necessary. "God" is usually only capitalised when referring to the God of the Christian (or other) religion (perhaps because there is only supposed to be one true God?) If you think about the Greek gods, they’re usually just referred to with a small letter as they form part of a pantheon.
I did notice a couple of errors in the prologue which should be easy to correct. For example, you used the word "venerable" when referring to the spot the king was in. As this is actually a word your spellcheck won’t have picked it up, but I think you might have meant to say "vulnerable" (venerable meaning honoured or respected) You also used the word "tare" instead of "tear" (another word that's actually a word) and wrote "branch-es" when I think you meant to say "branches."
Apart from the few mistakes I spotted, I really enjoyed reading your work. The last paragraph, and especially the last sentence, made me want to know what was going to happen next - what’s Raenar planning? Whatever it is, I can tell it will influence the rest of the story. I would love to read some more of "Mythical Woodland" if you want to upload it!
Wow, thanks for the awesome review!
I was actually worried people would not like this. I'll fix the 'venerable' and 'tare' right away. As for capitalizing 'Gods' and 'Kingdoms', I just preferred to write them that way. But if there's really something wrong with it I can change it.

Thanks again!
And yes, he's human.
Super good! Loved it
Thank you!
