A glance
A blink
My heart leaps with suprise
As I suddenly realise
That he, once the boy
is now a young man
With eyes that search
For yours, and twinkle when
They find them
A smile that could
Fell any foe of sadness
Fear or anger with its rays
Neck and shoulders that
Can now support life’s cares
And dreams and plans
A stomach that is the very
Way to his heart if you can
Cook delicacies to satisfy him
Legs and feet to willingly run
The race to win you first
To hastily ask for your heart
Before it is stolen away
When did this happen?
This coming of youth
It was but a day ago
Since he was playing
In the shallows of
Childhood water
And now he has taken
The step into the deep end
And I’ll wait for him
At the end of the race...
*****************
What do you think?
I hope its not cliche 
Comments would be appreciated 
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141,312 Literary Works • 674,342 Reviews
Thanks Griff!
I like this. It actually isn't a depressing poem...
...For a change.
Ok
Thanks for your opinion
I don't know, the whole the 'way to a mans heart is through his stomach' seems over-used to me. But that's just me, theres nothing wrong with that stanza.
I'm just wondering...in what way do you find it cliche, hekategirl?
I like this poem, but it needs some tweaks. Mesh, pretty much covered them though.
I just want to say:
I don't like that stanza, it's too cliche for me, but you can work with it and make it better. Keep writing!
Thanks Mesh
I agree with the first stanza correction.
Ok, what is your suggestion instead of twinkle? It is a bit of a childish word, I agree...so do you have anything better? lol
heavens above, I can't read! hehe.
Let me see.. first stanza.
you have A glance
A blink
My heart leaps with surprise
As I suddenly realise that
He, once the boy, is now
A young man
I was thinking something like this..
A glance
A blink
My heart leaps with suprise
As I suddenly realise
That he, once the boy
is now [ ]
well, that's as far as I can take it. maybe for the last line something like "is no longer such a child?" ick, nevermind, that's not right at all.. but something that implies growing up without saying such directly.
You like "rays"? Keep it! I'm just suggesting! it does fit, I'm just wondering if there's a stronger word you could use.. that's all.
As for the second stanza.. the eyes one. Actually.. throughout the entire poem. You go from first person, to second, and then back to first.. it's find as is, but I'm a nit-pick, and was thinking you could pick one, and stick with it. I would go with second person, pesonally.. but that's me. I won't say anything about "twinkle" or the idea I had to replace that ("twinkle" is a bit trite, but that's more me than anyything, I think..).
I do believe that's everything.. glad I could help!
Wow, thanks for that, Mesh and xanthan! I appreciate the critiques.
Mesh:
Ok, glad to know I helped you!
Well...I haven't seen/heard that, so I won't worry about it
What do you mean..take it to the next line? Ok, I'll take the caps off. Thanks for pointing that out
Well, I don't want to add too much, so I think I'll just leave it. But the guy in the poem is a young man, not 30 or so
But it is saying he has eyes that etc.....? Can we just leave it?
Ok, I'll move the lines up, but I'll leave the 'rays', because it gives a better picture, I think
Lol Mesh, they are willing to run, not too willingly
Thanks so much for that, Mesh! I'm glad you liked the ending. Yes, that was lots of help, so thanks for taking the time to do it
Xanthan: Thanks, but I like it how it is. I can see how it would be a bit confusing, but it would make the poem a bit too short if I did that?
i enjoyed this, but for some odd reason i didn't like how you followed every part of his body. it would have been better if, perhaps, you made the body of this poem flow better, picking out the prime targets on him that caused you to notice this prominent change.
Ya know, Boni.. you drive me crazy sometimes. I really likehow you presented this, but.. not the prsentation. Now, as you asked for this..
let's say you're helping me out of an editing slump, mkay?
) maybe we can come up with something better?
A glance
A blink hehe, this reminded me of a few lines from Wicked
My heart leaps with surprise
As I suddenly realise that ! oh, idea. take that to the next line, flows better.. and that also takes away the caps from "He" which could have religious connations.. just a thought
He, once the boy, is now
A young man I don't like this part as much.. sounds almost too universal. what made you notice changes in this guy? however, if you want to keep the line, maybe take out "young" and move up to the prvious line.. flows a bit better; less wordy and sucheh, scratch taking out "young" you need it in there. maybe reworking the line somehow? It still is rather awkward.. if you want, we can talk about it (me being a bit-pick? claro! but you asked for it,
With eyes that search
For yours, and twinkle when
They find them ack! ok, you changed POV here, and I'm not positive it was intentional.. Unless you're talking about your reaction to something someone else is doing, I'd either go with first person, or second person (I think it's second person, had a few intereting debates about that.. but I digresss)
A smile that could
Fell any foe of sadness
Fear or anger with its rays .. ok, I'm thinking about this stanza. the lines feel too short, and thus the line breaks feel awkward. maye if you change it up a bit.. maybe and do something like this..
"A smile that can fell any foe,
fear, anger, or sadness with its [rays]"
not sure I like rays.. analogy to the sun, I take it? maybe another word..
Neck and shoulders that
Can now support life’s cares
And dreams and plans not too sure about this stanza, so I'll leave it
A stomach that is the very
Way to his heart if you can
Cook delicacies to satisfy him ! hehe, you can have fun with this one. I'll leave you to this, though.
Legs and feet to willingly run "too", not "to", I think
The race to win you first
To hastily ask for your heart
Before it is stolen away "it's" over "it is", flows better.. I'm not being anal, I swear!
When did this happen?
This coming of youth
It was but a day ago
Since he was playing
In the shallows of
Childhood water
And now he has taken
The step into the deep end
And I’ll wait for him
At the end of the race... I didn't think I would like the ending, but I find it strangly appropiate. Maybe it's becuase I don't usually read this type of poetry.. but I like it. Hope I helped some, Boni!
Lovely, wholesome little diddy about adolescence, hmm? I enjoyed it, and you tackled the subject without having to delve into the angst and loneliness factor that would have made this poem cliche as you feared. Thankfully, you centered on other details and that leaves your poem meaningful and concice, I liked it very much!
Thanks, Tazy! I'm glad you like it
One word Fantastic
Right....and who might she be?
Very Elizabeth Barret Browning.
Thanks, Amice!!!
It was cool for what it was...
One comment though.
"It was but a day ago
Since he was playing
In the shallows of
Childhood water
And now he has taken
The step into the deep end
And I’ll wait for him
At the end of the race... "
I was still back there in the water, when it jumped to the picture of a marathon or something. :-s
I would have kept the last couple lines in keeping with the water theme
Other than that, thumbs up
-Amice-
Thanks, Bluecows
I'm glad you like it.
Anyone else want to comment?
wow, i really like it.
i liked the bit where you went
the imagery of him racing to capture the girls heart first is pretty cool.
there's not much really for me to say, i don't think i would change a thing
have a nice day
bluecows