Skip this and go to the repost. It is divided better :D
Chapter 2:
The old man walked towards his home, taking the shorcut through the Widewoods, the biggest forest in the lands surrounding the capital. At night, the forest was dark and scary, and during daytime, it was full of people. While walking, he heard noises around him.
"Maybe I should have accepted a drive home," he thought. As he walked onwards, he saw a shadow in between the bushes that looked like a man. But a man had never died while walking in a dark forest, so he told himself it wouldn't happen. The cold autumn winds went straight through his clothing, and he shivered like an aspen leaf. The trees shook in a never-ending beat. Forwards. Backwards. Forwards. Backwards. Suddenly, he heard a loud whistle from his side. He jumped up, and stared out into the infinite darkness of the forest.
"Who's there?" he said. No response. "Ah, who am I kidding. There is nothing there. Worst case it may be a kid." He laughed in hushed tones, but he didn't convince himself.
He knew he had gone wrong, because the trip never took more than maybe half an hour, and it had already been an hour. Something was wrong, and he was unsure of what to do. He was, for the first time in many years, scared. The loud whistle came again, and this time he wasn't mistaken. Someone, or something was out there. A loud crack to his right.
"Hush, child. We don't want to scare him away," he heard someone say much closer. The old man's heart practically stopped. There was someone there.
"Who's there?" He was clearly scared. "What do you want with me?" He screamed now. "What is this madness?" The second he said that, a shadow appeared in front of him.
"We want your life," a person behind said, before he hit the old man's head so hard, he fell to the ground. Lying on his back, shivering in pain, the shadowed person came in sight. A beautiful lady, though her hair was covered by a black hood. Her body was slim and covered in tight black clothes. Her huge green eyes were almost bewitching.
"Dad," the woman's voice was so soft, that combined with her eyes, the old man wondered if she was a witch of some sort. "I don't want to do this. I don't feed on them until they die. I take enough to stall the thirst." The old man had started crying in pain, when the other person came in sight. A shorter old man with grey hair, who was dressed in tight black robes.
"You have to," the new man said with the softest voice, though old. "The order won't like this. You're going to get killed." The man put on a black hood.
"I know dad, but I just can't kill a human." The woman looked scared, and the old man, who was now a little calmer, actually felt sorry for the woman. He didn't know why, but there was something. The now hooded person looked at the old man.
"That has to be my job again. I'm afraid you're not going to survive for too long, child." The hooded man took up a knife and thrusted it into the old man's heart...
Chapter 3:
Seeing as the room was filled with rose petals, wax petals and insence, it felt like I had never been there before. Annabel took both my hands and looked into my eyes.
"I love you Bobby," she said. I felt so in love that moment. My pulse was going too fast, she looked more beautiful than ever, her hands felt softer, her voice was nicer, ans she smelled better. Everything felt so perfect.
"I love you too," I answered, and kissed her. She blushed a little, before she pulled me in for
a longer kiss. It felt better than ever, and even her body felt smoother. She turned me around in the middle of the kiss, and pushed me into the bed. Rose petals flew into the air the second I landed in the bed. Even the bed was softer.
"So..." She was clearly a little embarrassed, but her usually strong personality was still there. I loved it. The whole scheme.
"Do you want to do this, Bobby boy?" She only called me "Bobby boy" when she was either flirting, or really wanting me. I was pretty sure it was the last one now.
"We have been waiting for three months, so do you want this?" I was so in love at that moment.
"Yes!" Her shirt was on the floor before I could say anything. Her body looked soft. Slowly, she walked against me, and I felt perfect while lying in the bed. She stopped up for a second, before she took of my shirt, laid on top of me, and kissed me. Her skin was even softer than it looked, and her lips were softer and tastier than ever. She smelled of roses, but this time it was even better. Like if she had found the worlds best rose perfume. I felt her breasts get squeezed between us. But there was something unusual. There was no bra. I blushed more than ever when I realized it, but I still felt happier than ever.
"You like this, Bobbyboy?" she said in a flirty tone. I looked at her, now half naked. "Yeah," I replied. She stood up and looked at me.
"I love you," she said, before she pulled off my pants. I was lying there, with only boxer shorts and my socks. I had never thought my first time would be this romantic. Rose petals, incense, wax candles. And with the perfect girl. Her beautiful red hair. Her soft, pale skin. Annabel. The best girl in the world, and she was mine. All mine.
"I love you too," I said, and took her close. "I really do." I took off her pants, and we were lying there, almost naked. Together. Suddenly, Annabel leaned over my neck and bit me.
"Ouch!" I exclaimed. "What was that for?" She didn't move. "Annabel?"
"Oh my god!" Blood dripped from Annabel's mouth as she hopped back, away from me.
"Oh my, sorry. You have to leave." The situation both scared me and confused me. What was going on. Why did she bite me? Why did I have to leave.
"What is it Annabel?" I felt weaker than I did before.
"Bobby. I have to break up with you," she stammered. What?! My confusion turned into sadness.
"What? Why?" My eyes watered as I talked. "What is going on?" I started crying, and it felt like the whole world fell over me.
"Bobby..." Her voice sounded as ruined as mine. "I can't. I just can't!" She started crying as well.
"Annabel! Were we going to fast? Is there something I did wrong?" It didn't feel true. Was she breaking up with me, seconds after we almost did it?
"No! Can you just please leave." I could just barely hear what she said below the tears. "It's over between us!"
That second, it felt like she had thrown the universe upon me. I felt crushed. Everything I had loved about this day was now destroyed. Everything. Her rose perfume. The beautiful smell of her rose perfume. Her big green eyes, that simply couldn't get out of my mind. Her slim and soft body. Her warm and comfortable hands. And her hair. Her long, perfect, red hair. All of that had just left me. My whole world. I loved her, I adored her, I felt her, knew her. All of that was gone now. Only that tiny feeling of something I should have done different, but I didn't know what. There must have been something. I got dressed and walked down the stairs to take on my shoes. I turned around for one last look at her. Standing on the top of the stairs, mascara all over her face, blood around her mouth, and without a shirt. I was going to miss her a lot. I turned around, put on my shoes, and went out the door.
Hey Bobby!
~ Language is finnicky- at night is proper, at daytime is not. Try 'during the daytime' instead. Also you added extra, unnecessary punctuation and words. Try instead: "At night the forest was dark and scary, during the daytime it was full of people."The kitchen is clean, and I'm back, as promised.
I will start with a personal nit pick: Put the "Chapter Two" and "Chapter Three" in bold text and center them, please, so it's more evident where the chapters start/end.
You aren't telling me what happened to Bobby >.<
JK, this is a good way to start it. Great job!
he shivered like an aspen leaf= amazing! Great job!
~ "Said' implies outloud. Perhaps "he shouted into the darkness" or something? Also, "Who is there?" sounds really stiff. If I'm in a forest in the middle of the night, and someone scares me "Who is there?" isn't what I'm going to say, 'out loud'. Try adding fright. ("Who's there?" he demanded, looking around frantically.) Just a thought.
~ Been. Been an hour.
I see that you said that you're having trouble seperating the text, but you should definitely work on it. The next dialogue is very hard to follow-taking away from the terror-for the man- that it seems I should be feeling.
~ Too.much.punctuation. "He was a shorter old man with grey hair, who was dressed in tight black robes."- also, 'shorter' implies a comparison. "He's shorter than she is." Ect. Perhaps just 'short'?
Okay! Good, eerie, mysterious chapter, which- I assume- will be explained in a later chapter.
Chapter Three
~ Ack! No, no, no! This opening sentence has so much potential. Phrase it so it flows nicely. "The room was transformed into a haven; rose petals lined the hallway and were spread across the neatly made bed, wax petals and incense burned, filling the air with a heavenly aroma-things were so different it almost felt as if I had never been there before." Don't edit word-for-word, but add more description, please.
~ If this is about to be thier first time, then how does he know that she said that when she really wanted him? Perhaps, "She only called me "Bobby Boy" when she wanted something, and I thought I knew what it was."
Being a rather shy Vyper, I won't comment on your bedroom scene. I will merely go into strict editor mode, so I don't have to cut off half way through the review.
~ Off, not of.
~~~~~~~~~~
Alright, that's all I've got. It was a good continuation of your first chapter, and gives me feeling that your story is going to get creepy-which is good, if you like that sort of thing. I am personally fairly squimish, and so the suspense, building up on itself, is getting hard to bear. I want your story to plunge deeper into the plot, yet I'm half scared for it- great job! Most pieces to involve my emotions- which makes it really great that your piece was able to draw me in.
Feel free to PM or wall me if you have any questions,
~Shady
Well, first off. Thanks man. I will repost this, though, since I don't want the huge block of text. In that repost, your tips will definitley be considered. Loved the review, though some sentences were unclear to me.
"Most pieces to involve my emotions". I did not really understand that one xD Could you explain in another way?
Anyways, thanks again. Btw, loved the way you wrote "~Shady" in the end. xD
Love, Bob Walker!
Oops, I'm sorry. Typo. I meant "Most pieces don't involve my emotions", not 'to'.
Also, I've got really screwed up syntax, so, while I didn't notice any other typos (though I could've missed them) in my review, I understand that it might not be very clear, so if you tell me what else wasn't clear, I'd be more than happy to rephrase it.
And thanks, I like the '~Shady' too. xD
~Shady
(See? hahaha)
Sorry for the huge bock. Will fix in a jiffy. Please be patient!
I can't fix it!!!