This is a mid-draft. I have fixed a little bit on it since I posted.
:New content:
Relationship between Bobby and Fred has become better explained.
Extra fixes on punctuation and grammar.
Added "Thanks to" part. Anyone who reviews or helps with the production will be added there.
Changed points of the story so they sound better.
Red roses hurts the most
The smell of roses overwhelmed me as I entered the store. Annabel was standing by the checkout, selling roses and tulips like if she had a time limit. I figured it was best to just wait, so I tried to blow off some time by looking at flowers. A huge stand with roses was towering high over me. It almost looked majestic. While looking at them, I didn't notice the person coming up from behind.
"Bobby! You came on time!" In a mirror next to the roses, Annabel's gorgeous smile blinded me. I turned around.
"Yeah. Surprised?" I looked at her big, green eyes, and they were full of joy.
"You..." She brushed her long, red hair away from her face. "I didn't actually think you would come on time, so yes." She blushed.
"It's ok." I smiled. "Let's go then." She took my hand and squeezed it.
"Yeah. Let's go."
Our relationship started three months ago. We were both at a bar called "The Vampire" that day, and we happened to meet on the dance floor. After that, we went to her place and talked for hours. I'm pretty sure we were drunk that evening, but I can't remember. I don't really care either.
The way to the cinema was long, but walking with Annabel, I wished it was longer. I loved talking to her. It was like if the whole world was brighter, and everything seemed perfect. We were going to see a horror movie, since Annabel loved vampires. I still wondered why, but who cares. I was with Annabel now, and nothing could change that. Nothing...
The cinema was in an enormous building south of Annabel's flower shop. Well, the store belonged to Annabel's mother, but Annabel worked there. The movie was in cinema number 13. 13, because the number 13 fits better for horror movies. I thought that was hilarious.
I read the movie title.
"Rise of the Vampires... It doesn't sound very good." I turned around, expecting to see her reaction, but to my 0surprise, she was already on her way into the cinema, and couldn't hear anyhing. I chuckled, and followed her inside.
"I love you, Bobby." Annabel looked at me and kissed my cheek. I blushed, and gave her a hug. Annabel's perfume smelled of roses, and I loved it.
"I love you too, Annabel." We just looked at each other until the movie started.
The movie itself was actually not too bad, and the actors were actually really good. Except one of them, the one who played the vampire king. He didn't look convincing enough.
In a part of the movie where the two main characters kissed, Annabel surprised me by taking my cheek, turning me around, and giving me a kiss. Her soft lips moved passionately around mine, before she started kissing down my neck, and held it there. After 20 seconds, she raised her head and said:
"I'm really glad I have you, Bobby. I really am." She smiled, kissed my forehead, and turned back to the movie again.
25 minutes later, the movie was done, we both headed against my apartment.
"Wow! That kiss was amazing." I looked at her, and kissed her cheek.
"Thanks," she answered, but she didn't sound too happy.
"Is it something wrong?" I asked her. Her red hair was hanging freely, and looked beautiful.
"No." Her voice was quiet, and she didn't convince me.
"Are you sure?" I smiled at her, but she didn't want to meet my eyes. She nodded, and started walking faster. Her head hung low, and I knew there was something wrong, but I didn't want to annoy her. She hated when people nagged. I just let her go, keeping my own pace.
The second I entered the house, Fred came running down the stairs. He had been my best friend since kindergarten, and he was living with me so we could split the rent.
"Darn. How long was that movie?" His powerful voice filled the whole room in an instant. It was good to be home.
"Two hours. Remember. I had to walk to Annabel's store, then to the cinema, then back home. Takes some time, you know." I chuckled, and started making some bread. Fred closed the door behind me, and came up to me.
"That's one hell of a hickey," he laughed, and touched the spot on my neck Annabel had kissed.
"Yeah, I know. Annabel surprised me too." I smiled. "How did she make those two red marks?" He looked at me with his tiny eyes.
"I don't really care right now. She looked really sad when we walked home." I sat down in the sofa by the TV.
"Sad?" Fred opened the fridge and took out the rest of yesterday's dinner. "What do you mean by sad?" He put the food into the microwave, and sat down in the sofa with me. Usually he would have pushed me away and taken my spot, but he didn't do that. He knew I was troubled.
"I don't know. She just looked really sad, and when I asked about it, she started walking faster. I didn't really try to keep up with her. You know how she feels about nagging." He nodded.
"Well. You made a good choice by not walking after her. I remember once..." I quickly interrupted him, "I don't want to listen to another one of those crazy stories about your earlier girlfriends." He sighed, and turned on his favourite TV-show, "The mysteries of the world."
"Okay. Just do what you want, but don't mess this up. Annabel is the nicest girlfriend you've had in quite a while." His eyes looked serious, and I knew he was right. The girl I dated before Annabel was a real douche. She stole money from my wallet while I slept.
"Yeah. You're right. I can't mess this up." I jumped up from the sofa, held up my fist, and stared at it. "In the name of Brithlord, I swear, I will not mess this up!" The second I ended the sentence, Fred started laughing hard. That quote was from our favourite movie, "Space balls and Other things". We loved that movie.
"Go to bed now, Bobby. You need to sleep. It's workday again tomorrow." He was still laughing , so I just barely understood what he said.
"Yeah. Good night, Fred. Don't wake me up when you go to bed, ok?" We slept in the same room, so we usually went to bed at the same time.
"I'll try not to!" He smiled. "Good night, Bob!" He looked at me, making funny faces after me while I went up to bed.
"Dear Brithlord, help me sleep tonight!"
The morning after, I got a call from Annabel.
"I'm sorry for yesterday. I didn't know what happened. I just got a little depressed. I hope I didn't hurt you or anything." It was great hearing her voice again, but she sounded stressed.
"I'm ok, Annabel. I'm ok. Are you ok?" I tried to use a soothing voice to calm her down.
"I feel much better, at least." Her voice was calmer now. "But Bobby." She was serious, but flirty now. "Is Fred still there?"
"No.He went for work one hour ago. How come?"
I could hear a low giggling on the other end, before she said: "I have a gift for you. Come to my apartment tonight." Her voice was really flirty now. She was almost moaning.
"When?" I tried to sound flirty.
"Eight o'clock?" She was back to normal.
"Perfect!" I felt happy inside.
"Seeya!" She hanged up. This day was going to be perfect.
I went to work at the electronic store as usual. Looking at the store, I realized one of the letters on the giant logo above the door was almost falling down. I chuckled a second, and went in. The first thing I saw was a man who jumped up and down and cried angrily. I smiled, and hurried over there to see what was happening. Frederico, our 25 year old rookie, was standing close to the man, shaking his head.
"What's going on here?" I asked loudly so the man would calm down. They both looked at me, and Frederico came walking against me.
"Thank god you're here. This man won't stop nagging about our bad customer service." Frederico's eyes were begging.
"I'll see what I can do," I replied.
Walking towards the old man, I could already see that he and Frederico had been discussing this for a long time, because he was breathing heavily and sweating like a dog.
"So. What is the problem here?" I tried to sound as polite as possible, though I'm not really good at it.
"That man, Frederico, is the most unpleasant man I have ever seen in my life. I just came here, complaing about this coffee machine, and his answer was, try turning it on first. I have never seen such impoliteness in my whole life!" The old man was about to break again, but I just had to say it:
"So... Did you try to turn it on then? Maybe it'll work." The old man's eyes widened, then he shook his head, and ran out the door.
"Thanks man!" Frederico was grateful. "Hey. You're our rookie. We've got to take care of you." I tried to sound mocking, but it sounded more like a reassurement.
I headed for the break room since the lockers were there. I went straight to my locker, where I picked up my "uniform". The yellow and blue striped shirt did not match the black pants, but that was how we had to go.
"Bobby! You're here!" Jesse kicked away his chair and ran to me.
"More or less." The second I heard his voice, I became grumpy. I hated that guy. His cocky attitude, his way of always sounding happy, and the fact he was my boss. Worst boss in the world. How did he even get that role. He probably had to coerce his bosses with dirty pictures or something.
"So. How are you doing, pal?" I hated it when he called me "pal". If he was my pal, I wouldn't really care, but he wasn't. And he knew that.
"Perfect. Absolutely perfect. Now, can you please leave me alone?" I almost moaned the last sentence.
"Oooh. Grumpy today, are we? Well. Do a great work today." His smile was mocking me. He turned around, ready to walk away, before he turned back and whispered to me: "If you're like this with the customers, I'm going to kill you. Literally." With a giant smile, he turned around again, and went over to his office. I sighed, and sat down at the lunch table with Mike, who had been watching the whole scene.
"Tough day today?" He smiled comforting.
"Not really. Today's going to be a great day. Annabel told me she had a gift for me tonight. I'm really excited about it." I used to tell Mike everything about my relationship with Annabel, becasue he always knew what I needed.
"Ah. She wants to do it. You lucky bastard." His smile turned from comforting, to perverted. "Didn't you guys decide to take it slow?" He picked up the chair Jesse had kicked down a minute ago, before he put his feet on the table and waited for my reply.
"Yeah. I know, but this morning, she gave me a call. I'm gonna be there at eight." Mike quickly kicked away his chair, just like Jesse did, but Mike did a different gesture. He ran over to the public mic, which is a mic that you can talk into if you need a specific customer. Mike picked up the mic, and cried out loud: "Bobby's getting something tonight!" I tried not to laugh, but it was close to impossible. The guy had just cried to all the customers that I was going to get something tonight. And I was. Probably.
Standing outside the door to Annabel's apartment, I realized I should have bought something for her. "Oh well. She won't think about it," I told myself. I went up the stairs to ring the bell, but before I could press the button, Annabel came jumping up from the bushes.
"Oh my god! I almost got a heart attack!" I cried out loud. Annabel laughed hard, and I couldn't resist the urge to do so myself. She jumped up the stairs and kissed me.
"I have a gift for you now." Her voice was soft, but flirty. "You excited?" I just managed to get a quick "mhm," before she opened the door and dragged me in.
The room smelled of incense, and there were wax candles lit up all over the apartment.
"Wow!" I can't remember smiling so widely in my life. Annabel grabbed my shirt, and pulled me close. "Well. I have lots to show you," she said, and kissed me. Yeah. I like that better. As she lead me up the stairs, I could see rose petals scattered all over the floor.
Chapter 1 finished:
Thanks to:
Tenyo, Audy, CelticaNoir, Reason, MakennaC3, ScarlettFire, iEuphoria, 567ajt, ShadowVyper, Crimsona, and anyone else who reviews and helps me make my stories better!
First of all, never use "like if".
Then... Split this paragraph into two. Two people can not talk on the same paragraph.
"I tried to use a soothing voice to calm her down." - That makes me feel as if the main character is talking to a horse, which is not a good think if you want the reader to like the protagonist ^^
""No.He went for work one hour ago. How come?" " You forgot the space after the first full stop.
"When?" I tried to sound flirty in return. Perhaps? ^^
"She hung up."*** Hanged: Executed by hanging.
"a man who jumped up and down" - This image is highly ridiculous... Are you sure?
"sweating like a dog." - a disturbing image which I do not think suits the context well.
"I tried to sound as polite as possible, though I'm not really good at it."... Watch your tense agreements. I'm = I am, but you were writing in the past tense.
" but I just had to say it:" Just does not sound right... ":" is rarely used within books, and I am not sure it is appropriate here.
"The old man's eyes widened, then he shook his head, and ran out the door." - an unrealistic response. He had been arguing for so long, and just ran out when another fool came in and offended him all over again? o.O What I would have imagined he would say "You recalcitrant scoundrel! - " etc.
"Jesse kicked away his chair and ran to me." - Maybe "towards me"?
"Well. Do a great work today." - makes no sense, but then, he is an idiot, so it is probably intentional... Just try a comma after "Well".
" I sighed, and sat down at the lunch table" - Kill the comma.
The rest was great ^^
Soo... I must admit that this is a rather good story
It's a really good piece of work, I'd say. The perfect teen erotic fantasies. It's the sort of thing which a boy like me reads, and keeps reading on. But still, nothing is completely perfect:
You need to focus on your paragraphing. Remember, two dialogues of two different persons require two paragraphs. Moreover, good paragraphing will give your story a neat and clean look, which might convert it from good, to very good. I hope you get what I mean.
Plus, you need to slow down the pace. Just imagine the impression on the reader if your opening chapter is good, but the next chapter is boring. I'm not saying that's what it is, but it is always safe to wear the seat belts.
The one thing that I can't decipher from this chapter is the age of the two teens. If they're 14 then isn't it too early for a boy to work in a store? Isn't it too early for this whole love story? Even the going-to-cinema-for-a-horror-movie seems to be kind of awkward for even 15 year-olds.
Other than these flaws, and some other small mistakes (it's my opinion, so it's not the bible or something) the chapter is very interesting and very good.
Oh. They're 20-something. I know about these flaws. They are all fixed in the next chapters
Thank you!
Love, Bob Walker!
Well, wow.
This is more of a nitpick, i'd spell it 'Annabelle' to me, it just looks more like the actual name... but on the other hand, I think the spelling kind of works... a bit of quirky-ness shall we say?This is awesome. You had me speed-reading because I wanted to collect all the info as soon as I could. It was like I got lost in the story!
Everyone had really pointed out your faults so I don't have much to say there, but I still noticed some thing(s). Let me point them out:
This just sounds odd to me... maybe change it to 'I tried to pass some time...' I think this sounds better...
Spoiler
'A huge stand of roses was towering high over me...'
This would sound better saying 'I found myself wishing it was longer'
This part about the screen number '13'... If you mean that Bob finds it hilarious because '13' is supposed to be unlucky then this is good. OR if you are leading us on to a part of the story in the near future.
If it's a different reason, you have me confused, sitting with a cup of coffee on the verge of past and present. And quite frankly, I hate coffee...
Well, from the whole story, I get the impression that Annabel is a vampire/vampyre. <You see I have used two spellings, yes? Well, a suggestion to add interest. You could have Annabel make a comment, instead of her heading straight for the screen. Something such as; '"Urg, they spelled it wrong..." She muttered under her breath' But don't give away the other spelling, or what the spelling is. You following?
So, later in the story, Annabel can mention vampires/vampyres, but in the speech she says "vampyres".
There is a slight pronunciation (<spelling right/wrong?) difference. In 'vampyres, you can hear the 'y' more.
Following...?
So there is a suggestion...
Well, every other correction has been made I think... so no need for me to repeat!
I don't have any issues anyway... So I think everything else is really good. I really want to know where this is going.
Where am I going? I am now off to read chapter two and three. I am practically humming with curiosity.
Well done, good luck! Keep writing, I beg of you!
-Clarity.
Hey Bobby!
~ Okay, so this, and the rest of this paragraph, is really 'telly', but you can get away with it here. The main thing I wanted to point out was the 'we went home'. That makes it sound as if they lived together. The 'to her place' and the rest of the paragraph, implies that they're not a couple yet, which they didn't seem to be. Try "After that we went to her place and talked for hours."I saw that your chapters two and three have no reviews, so I came here for something to go off of, and, as always, I couldn't resist leaving a review. So here goes:
I like the way you start the story, but, as Makenna pointed out, you wrote: "like if she had a time limit" which doesn't make much sense. Either cut the 'if' so it's 'like she had a time limit' or cut the 'like' and add 'as', so it's 'as if she had a time limit'. Either is fine.
~ You specifically say 'title' and then you don't capitalize the title properly. 'Vampires' should be capitalized here.
Also, you seem to be setting up the pefect horror scene. I'm already squirming, waiting for her to turn into a vampire and infect Bobby...okay, I'm getting ahead of myself.
~ Firstly, I don't understand why this is funny. Secondly, unless it has significance in your story later on, you might consider nixing it, as the extra information distracts.
~ Que? How can her voice be silent? Perhaps something like 'quiet' or something, but not silent.
HA! I knew it! She did infect him!! I'm so smart...
~ Yesterday's dinner is possessive-ergo, apostrophe 's'.
~ I'm not really sure you can 'do' a good choice. Perhaps 'made' instead? You made a good decision?
~ You put an 'h' in Brithlord here, and not the next place you use it- I'm not sure which is proper, as I'm not familiar with 'Brithlord'. Again, you didn't capitalize your title "Space Balls and Other Things", and, if that's supposed to be a list: "Space, Balls, and Other Things" Be sure to put commas in. You could also italicize the title, and nix the quotation marks.
You can get away with your 'inside humor' HERE, but you should be really careful with it in writing. It can get you into trouble. It's good to show little insights into your characters' personalities, but readers want to feel included, so inside jokes aren't, typically, a good idea.
~ In order to make this more conversational, you might change it to 'an hour' instead of 'one hour'. A miniscule nitpick, but there it is.
~ RULE: One speaker per paragraph. You've broken this rule in most of your dialogue before this, but it was pretty easy to sort out what you meant; you lost me here. Also, 'she hanged on'? What?
~ The first comma is unnessessary, and you might rephrase it to read: "The first thing I saw was a man jumping up and down, crying angrily; I smiled and hurried over to see what was happening." It's more to the point, and easier to read.
~ I think I'd change the 'said' to 'ask', and you need a comma here...Frederico came walking against you? What?!
~ Typo, at.
~ No need for an apostrophe here.
~ Typo, finished.
~~~~~~~~~~
Okay! Really good start to your story! I'm excited to see chapter two! Well...after I finish the dishes...I'll be back later for it!
~Shady
I will fix most of it in a jiffy. Thanks again, man. I have learned alot since I wrote this story. Again, I love the "~Shady".
Love, Bob Walker!
Hey Bobby, I'm going to be your reviewer for today - yay!
I really love this chapter, I think that's it's a great introduction to your novel.
The first paragraph was good, but I wasn't overwhelmed by the vocabulary that you used, I feel that you could have emphasized how majestic the flowers looked, what they smelled like etc. Maybe you could also describe what you looked like next to her in the mirror? I'm not sure, but I felt that there was something missing from that paragraph that would have made it even better!
In the third and forth chapters, my only query would be as to why he finds 13 so hilarious? I understand the first time - it seems a funny coincidence, but I think the repetition of him finding it so hilarious the second time was unnecessary, wouldn't he be more puzzled or creeped out? If not, why is that so? I think you may want to describe his character in more detail so that the reader can relate to him or understand him better.
'25 minutes later, the movie was done,' I think the word 'finished' is better than the word 'done'? That might just be a personal thing of mine but 'done' just seems a little messy to me.
Like Tenyo said earlier, I think that you should describe Fred in a little more detail - he seems a bit vague at this point, was that intentional?
I love the part with the coffee machine, I can't really fault it - it was great. As was the scene after that with Jesse and Mike. Great writing, you ended it well too. However, I think maybe that's where the chapter should end? It sounded like it ended the chapter better than with the rose petals scattered all over the floor.
I think the last paragraph is very rushed, I think you could add so much more detail into that, such as how he got to her apartment, was he excited, nervous? A mixture of the two or something completely other. What was the room like? What did Annabel look like? Was she looking especially stunning, what was she wearing - what were you wearing? So much more detail could be added to this paragraph to make it simply stunning.
Oh and there's one other thing that I've noticed - a lot of the time you do this:
'_________, and _________' <- when you use the word and, 9 times out of 10 you won't need to use a comma before it. http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/commas.htm - I've read through this and it seems like quite a good guide for comma usage.
Overall, I love this. I love how you write, I love the plot line, I love the characters! You are a really talented writer and I will be following this novel because I am totally hooked already.
Please write chapter two soon, I'm dying to read it!
Your faithful reviewer,
Crim *squishle*
Bobby!
I agree with Makenna that it's all still going waay too fast.
So, I see you lengthened this chapter, but didn't buff it out
I think first you need to decide on where your starting point is. How long have they been dating? Is this one of their first dates or are they nearing thoughts on proposal? How long has Annabel been, you know, sucking his blood?
Once you have a starting point you need to work as much of that into the first scene. When I start speeding through scenes this fast I set myself a restriction, like, a minimum of 500 words. Otherwise it's really hard for your reader to get into the story when you skip about so much. My personal rule when I edit is that if the scene is less than five hundred words, it's redundant, and if it's not, buff it out more. Make it matter.
For example, you could get to the chase and say 'Marcus liked Jane and Jane liked Marcus. So they went out on a date. They walked around the park, and then went to get pizza.' Or you could say 'Marcus and Jane had been dating for six months but whenever he saw her his heart still pounded as if it was their first date. They walked around the park, he leant her his jacket and pretended he couldn't feel the cold. Then they got pizza and he ate most of it since he was famished after his athletic training and she'd already had a light dinner before he came.'
In both the same thing is happening, but one is more in depth, and it's the second one you want to be aiming for. Don't worry about boring your readers because at this point in the story they're only looking at the surface and you need to drag them down deeper into this world.
I do like this story. I love the characters and the roles they play but I'm left with too many questions that seem like they'll never be answered. Like, why are seat numbers hilarious? If this is just an odd quirk of Bob's sense of humour then mention it elsewhere, or maybe he's just so happy around her that everything seems funny. Why did he not feel her teeth in his neck? Tell me more about Fred. You're right, their relationship seems odd, but why? More interaction between them would be great. Start with obvious interactions like talking about the date, and add in more subtle things like spacial familiarity, habitual things like knowing which drink to pour or who prefers which seat in front of the tv.
More detail! Otherwise you're going to lose your reader.
I hope this helps. Let me know if you edit it again.
I will edit it again, since this is just a mid draft. It probably wont be anything like this in the enda at all. I'm going really fast, I know, but that is kinda the point. When the next chapter comes, you're gonna know what I mean. My plan is already starting to come up, and with your review now, I'm going to make it even better.
And one wore thing. You say that you're left with so many questions. That is what I'm pointing for.
Thanks for the review.
Love, Bob Walker!
I loved it!
"like if she had a time limit"
Here you can just write "like she had a time limit" I saw you did this several times.
I really didn't find anything else wrong with it and I really enjoyed it!
I think maybe you shouldn't rush into the story so quickly (look whos talking I rush my stories all the time!) and if you do this it will make a much better book instead of everything happening in the first few chapters. Please tell me when you write morefind out what happens!
Yeah. The point is that it has to go this fast. You have no idea of how it's gonna work out. Neither have I xD
Oh yeah sorry about my review! "Please tell me when you write morefind out what happens!" I really need to read before I post!