If you'd known me at the beginning of last year, you wouldn't believe it.
I was so scared of the future. Scared to go to college, and forget about a college far away - I was scared just to attend classes at the community college. What if the classes are too hard? What if I fail? I was scared to move out of my parents' house, however far away that day may be. What if I can't support myself? What if I go broke and end up living in a box on the side of the street? I was even scared just to turn eighteen, because of all the sudden duties that went rattling around my brain at the thought. Insurance! Rent! Legal adult! Car payments! Tuition! Et cetera, et cetera.
I grew gradually and very slightly less afraid as time went by. I turned eighteen, and everything was more or less the same as it was when I was seventeen. Still in high school (for a few more months, at any rate), still living with my parents, still not fiscally responsible for much of anything except gas money. I started at the local community college, and everything was more or less the same as it was when I was in high school, except for more freedom and a looser schedule. Maybe the classes were faster-paced, too, but nothing I couldn't handle.
And yet, there was still fear. I admit that I was reluctant even to fill out scholarship applications for Saginaw Valley State University or apply for a voter ID, just because those actions were symbols of moving forward, of growing up and taking on the roles of adulthood. And I have never been one of those who are so eager to grow up. I am intelligent. I realized what growing up meant - responsibility, bills, financial problems, dependents, struggle. I reached for Neverland and fairies and Peter Pan and held on as long as I could. In a way, I'm still holding on, because my spirit has enough of a four-year-old in it that I'll probably still believe in blowing bubbles and picking daisies when I'm eighty years old.
The original plan was to go away to a college as soon as money permitted and go on living in my parents' house during holidays and summers for as long as I could.
How plans have changed...
I'm a few weeks in to my second semester at St. Clair County Community College and plan to continue there until fall of 2011. And now I'm saving up money for my own car and an apartment, both of which I hope to have in hand by summertime. Not a great car, but a car. Some cheap, for-sale-by-owner car, hopefully at or under $500, maybe dropping some luxuries like a radio and air conditioning so I can make sure my car will run okay for the next few years. Not a great apartment, either. Maybe no air conditioning there, either, not very large, maybe no pool or gym or laundry appliances, but cheap enough to afford. Just a little place I can come home to, and it'll be mine. Or mine and my friend Becky's, since she's planning to be my roommate at least for the summer.
Which was the original idea here: Just an apartment for the summer, if I could possibly swing it. Subletting, of course. That'd pretty much be the only option. And now...get my own car, rent a place and stay there as long as I can afford it - say all of next school year. Bring my cat with me, maybe get a cat-friendly dog. (I'd like a dog. Not sure why, but I just feel like I'd need a dog to go with my apartment.) When I go away, live off-campus (largely so I can keep my dog).
And I'm not scared any more.
Sometimes it seems awfully big, this whole idea - when I remind myself about car insurance on top of the car (though my mother has luckily said that if I can get a cheap car for cash, then my parents may - depending, of course, on their finances - be able to help me with the insurance) and furniture and/or utilities on top of the apartment - and I start to wonder if I can do it. I feel a certain sense - not quite of dread, or at least not of fear, but just sort of the feeling you get when your bedroom's really, really messy and you know you have to clean it today and you really, really don't want to but you know you have to, so you do anyways.
I'm going to do it. Becky's older brother doesn't think we'll go through with it. Not so much due to finances, but because he thinks we'll lose our nerve. I say that just gives us more of a reason to do it - just to prove him wrong. I don't know where this calm, independent streak suddenly came from, but it's helping me out. It's planning out my future for me.
And yes, it is awfully big. Maybe scary, to some people, and to me still sometimes, in a way. But the same part of me that used to be terrified of becoming an adult - maybe that four-year-old part that still believes in Neverland and fairies and Peter Pan - is finally saying, "To grow up will be an awfully big adventure."
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,808 Reviews
There we go. I made some changes. ^_^
-Blue
P.S. I remember something else I wanted to say: @LittlePrincess: I love your signature! That's such a great book.
Hello there again!
But I posted it mainly because I know a lot of people find it relatable and very comforting. Adulthood is scary - bills and responsibility and a ton of sh*** (I don't suppose we can swear in our reviews, can we? I don't often, but now and then...) But it's cool, too, the idea of having your own place, and buying bath towels and a matching shower curtain and rug, and doing your own grocery shopping, and having your own kids...
I actually originally just wrote this for myself, for the sake of writing it - because I was so proud not to be scared anymore. That's why I don't explain who Becky is (a friend from middle school onwards) or write out SVSU in full (Saginaw Valley State University, which is the smallest and cheapest state university in Michigan; it's well-known for its education and nursing programs, and it has splendid dorms with AIR CONDITIONING, CARPETING, and KITCHENETTES, if you can believe it!) I do see your points though, that, at least if I were to ever try getting this published, those would have to be better explained.
To...dash it all, I can't remember all your names at the moment without them in front of me...but whoever said it didn't seem to have a point, that it seemed to be going somewhere and just ended and that the entire point just seemed to be that I wasn't scared anymore - that WAS the entire point, that I wasn't scared anymore. It was more of..."character" change, if you will (since I am a real-life person, not a made-up character - at least not entirely) than an actual "story." It was about transition of thought and feeling. More or less. Like I said, I really just wrote it for me. The way I wrote a blog entry, yes, a blog entry (an impassioned blog entry!) when I changed my minor from history to biology, just because I was so friggin' excited about it!
To whoever was confused by the class that I said I had started college and THEN said the original plan was to go away to college and stay with my parents over breaks and holidays - I started COMMUNITY college, so I was going to college, technically, but just a local one, and I'm still living at home. Would it be adequate just to say "I'd started at a community college"? Or do you think I'd have to explain that still more fully?
What were the other nitpicks? Crap, I can't remember...I'm so bad at this!
"Homemakers' Syndrome," is what Liz (Becky's older sister - OH, that's right, another nitpick: It was her older brother; all her brothers are older) and I decided to call it. "It" being, when you're a girl at least, that age where you just suddenly want your own place and furniture and bookends and towels and children.... (Children! How dearly I want a little girl! But no, my boyfriend keeps saying, "Um, not yet, babe..." Lol. ^_^)
Anyways.
Sorry, that was rather a tangent, wasn't it? But now I have really exhausted the nitpicks I remember, so...think I'll go fix those when I get a minute!
Hi there.
Like Truth said, everybody else did all the nitpicks. I've noticed one, and by the time I looked up to see if the others had said it, I forgot where it was... Sorry for that.
This was well written. Not the best technical, but we could pretty much all relate to this, and that was exactly your point, I presume. By looking at all the comments, I know that we're not the only ones who are stressing about that, or have been anyways. It's a great subject to write on, and not something we read every day. Good job for the originality.
Keep writing!
-Other One
Hey! While reading this, I could totally relate to this! It's pretty much everything I'm thinking... even though I am only 2 years away, schools are already stressing our decisions of what University we will go to, if we will live on campus bla bla bla. It's so stressing! I loved the piece and I think everybody goes through it but really, in the end, it's for nothing. Thanks for making me relaxe a bit
And now I can't find the only niptick I found in the whole thing but everyone up there pretty much covered it so I'll leave it to this
Keep writing!
-Truth-
Wow, I can relate to this and I'm only a junior in high school. These are such real fears, I like how you bring them out.
My first nitpick is at the end of the second paragraph (assuming the first line is a paragraph) where you say Et cetera, I think it kind of takes away from the style of the writing. It's unnecessary, the etc is basically implied.
I'm a little confused at the time line.
At what point was this the original plan? Because earlier you say you start college. Or do you mean you started classes? Perhaps make that a little clearer.
While creative license allows a sentence starting in And, in this particular case I think it would sound better with out it.
Who's Becky? A simple, my sister or my high school best friend, etc, is all that is needed. Unless you want to introduce her full there.
Again, her younger brother? Perhaps say how old he is or his name, to make is a little clearer.
So like I said, this is extremely relate-able, I know I feel scared about that stuff. I just have some points of confusion. Is this the end of the story? I feel like it didn't actually go anywhere, although you set it up very well to go somewhere. You emphasize how plans are changing but don't really indicate how they changed, except for the part where you say I'm not scared anymore. I really like that.
Anyway, I hope this was helpful and please, PM me with any questions or anything!
I can totally relate to this- I'm not quite as far as you... I'm still just a Senior in high school.
But, even just thinking about the future can make me anxious.
I miss finger painting and not knowing how anything worked, and being curious about everything.
Being little is so wonderful, in so many ways. But I'm slowly starting realize, growing up is pretty great too.
So, while I'm anxious, I'm mostly excited. I'm glad to hear that you are too.
Beautifully expressed- raw and natural. Great write.
-Coral-
Hey there!
Nitpicks:
The first part of this confused me the first time I read it. I think you can make it a little more clear and say something like "Scared to go to college, and not even a college very far away. I was scared..."
You really only need one question mark here
And again here
This doesn't read super well. I think you have two options. 1. "I was scared just to turn eighteen" 2. "I was even scared just to turn eighteen"
This doesn't read very well either. I think the first part is fine. I think you could condense the second half to just "...duties I knew I'd have to start thinking about" or something like that.
I would write out the full name of SVSU because I doubt most readers will know what that is.
Haha love this
The part I slashed out just seems unnecessary to me. And I'd combine the the two sentences. "Not a great car, but a car."
Whoa! Where did she come from? Who is she? She just kind of appeared out of the blue. I'd talk about her a little more.
Love how you end this!
I can totally relate to how you were feeling before you went to college and how you felt once you got there. I think you did a good job of capturing that emotion. Overall, I think you did a nice job. I think you can add in some spots and take away at others and I think I pointed some of those spots out.
I don't really know what else to say
Good luck with your plans!
-Carly