Rivers of wine,
Walls of diamond,
Clothes so fine,
It is heaven.
I walk through corridors,
Past elaborate carvings,
Patterns, messages, etched into doors,
But I remain the same.
Unhappy. Unaffected. Yearning.
*****
Flames lick, dance, cackle,
Sneer and smirk at my sins.
First they tickle,
Then they burn,
And all I yearn is to be with you.
Boiling water, scalding my tongue,
No comfort from the heat.
Thorny plants, mashed like gruel,
My stomach echoes with hunger; the lack of food to eat.
Aching. Wanting. Wishing.
*****
With these patterns, shapes,
that I chisel into the pillars,
I send a message of my ache,
my want, my desire to be with you.
I am a Capulet,
You are a Montague.
I want to smash it,
The barriers between us.
But it is too great.
We are stuck with our fates.
With these words I laboriously carve into the wall,
With these words I write with the ashes,
With the yearning in my heart,
With the yearning in my body, more than the yearning of cold,
I give my resignation; speak of the words that I wish to leave this hall.
I wish … I cannot. My heart smashes,
But I know that my fate is sealed.
at the acceptance of my fate.
I wish it was possible to change the deeds of the past.
I must face the consequences of what I have done.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Ok, if this is trully your first poem, you have talent. Seriously.You have created mesmerizing pictures in my head, plus you have succeeded into making me experience the emotions you described throughout the poem.Very good work.I could also imagine a voice narrating the whole story and imagine the cadance of their breath.Good job!!
Mac, this is great. I just finished Romeo and Juliet in English 1, and i loved it. This is like it in the obvious ways but much better too because of how mature the lovers seem to be. R&J were rash, impatient, and tried to defy fate. I like that these two seem to accept it, but that dosen't make them forget each other. I love the idea behind it. Love it.
P.S. Sorry I haven't been on in a while. It's good to see you doing poetry
-Panda
Great poem AhmadBlues! Very deep. About first being in Hell and then Heaven, I take it? The stanzas and rhymes were a bit forced and you might want to review some of them because they feel very blunt and forced. Lots of feelings in this and double meanings it seems like. It allows the reader to relate it to themselves and go deeper (at least this is what I did). It also has a good meaning at the end. Great description too.
Sorry if this was a bit vague. It was more than I imagined it would be. Keep writing poems! You're off to an amazing start (I think you have already surpassed my in many ways).
Hope this was helpful,
Sion
Thanks for the review, Sion!
Yes, I think I will ditch the rhyme scheme. Not a good idea xD
Your poem made me read it a second time and I found that it was about two lovers, one in Heaven and one in Hell. I got it now. I love it even more! Haha
Ok, well. Nice first poem, I'd say.
I'm not gong to go through and point out every little thing I find wrong with it, unless you want me to. In that case, PM me
Flow: Your flow is... Really not that great. You're right, your rhyming does sound a bit forced. I think that the flow would be SO much better if you dropped the rhyming. Try re-writing this without the rhyming and compare it to the way it is now. I think you'll like it better (I probably would).
Rhyme: Like I said above, not really that great. I read through the poem and sometimes, I couldn't tell when something was supposed to rhyme. A lot of the time there were words that were supposed to rhyme together that could each be said a very different way (for example (though this word wasn't used in your poem): fire/fy-er).
Word Choice: Your word choice was ok. I think if you broadened it a bit (you used 'gruel' once, and that really broke up the flow of the poem, as it's such a crude-sounding word) and used more musical, flowy words (say them out loud to see if they flow) it would look and flow better.
Imagery: Great imagery! My favorite part of the poem was your imagery. You could have done with a few more described colors, but for your first poem, I think you had nice imagery.
Emotion: Good. You had good emotion. I read it the first time, and didn't really see/feel it, but when I skimmed it a second time there was more emotion than the first. It's probably one of those poems that you understand (emotionally-wise) a bit more every time you read it.
Understandability (haha, look at that, YWS doesn't think this is a word.... Eh, it probably isn't, either XP) : Ok. I'd probably understand it more if I'd read Romeo and Juliet. Just the R&J references were the things that were confusing to me.
Overall: Alright. Like I said, for a first time poem, it was great! As you keep writing poems and reading criticisms you'll get better. I can promise that
So, good job, MadDisco!
Keep writing,
Alz
I feel stupid that I'm replying to my own review, but as I read everybody else's comments, I feel like I'm being harsh. *Bits lip* Sorry... :/
Bites*
xDDD Thanks for the review, Alz.
I'll definitely get rid of the rhyme scheme. I don't think it works at all xD
Oh, don't worry! It wasn't harsh at all; I'm glad you pointed out what you pointed out
Yowzers!
Blues, that was pretty heartfelt.
I like your use of the two voices... Kinda like one of Icy's... She never posted it, methinks.
Am I correct in thinking that the poem is about two people who love each other, but one ended up in Heaven and the other in hell?
Or is it more figurative, i.e. they are both alive, but neither knows the others feelings?
I liked the poem and your use of imagery, though.
(Forgive me if this is short, it's my first review, and I figured I should do it for a friend. ^^)
My only nitpick is this:
Thorny plant, mashed like gruel
I'm sorry but it's the only part that doesn't make sense. You might want to change it. (No suggestions, I'm sorry. )
And nothing sounds forced, really. Good effort bro.
Thanks for the review, Musica!
The poem is, yes, about two lovers who ended up in either hell or heaven.
Thanks again!
It's amazing! I love the fact that the words were painful; it was just so real. And I always love poetry that has something deeper within, also the connection with gruel and hunger.
The only thing is that you used smash earlier, and it would be cool to put crashes, like "My heart crashes" instead of using smashes again, but if that was what you were going for, then that's wonderful!
Love your poetry!
Dreamy! Thanks so much :3
Thanks for that. I'm not sure about 'crashes' though, but I'll get my thesaurus and find a similar word
Well well Blues i wouldn't have known this was your first poem hadn't you told me!
You have done a very good job, keep going poetry is something you are clearly good at
Aww, thanks Saga. I didn't expect this sort of response
Oh, Mac... that poem up there is so amazing. You managed to take an idea and not just write words; you made it sound so beautiful.
*wonttellyoushewasholdingherbreathwithhermouthopenedwhilereading*<333
Anyway, there's just one thing I want to tell you about the last stanza; you made the lines a little too long.
I'd suggest you to make more spaces where it's possible... like for example, after the comma on this one:
Remember that the appearance of a poem does count, and keeping an uniform pattern will surely make people appreciate your writing better.
Overall, you've done a lovely job. I'd love to see you write more poetry.
~Solly<3333
Thanks for the review, Sol! I'll totally let you know if you write more