Home

Ahmad,

I remember seeing this at workshop One thing I love about this particular piece is that it's filled with images; there's this narrative style to it and a voice uniquely your own. Not many people can write a poem entitled "Home" like this - so your voice and experiences does wonders.

I enjoyed how you delve back and forth between imagery that might've been familiar to me, such as the pancakes there at the beginning, and then the unfamiliar - the battles, the deaths, the armed people. Now, I do feel like this could use some more focus probably. I'm picking up some political undertones, but I'm not sure whether or not those were your intentions. If they were, then great! If not, then I'm letting you know my interpretation of this veered in a political direction, but I did feel a sense of personal emotion, so that is good. I'd pronounce on that though! More emotion can't hurt!

Now for the nitpicks:

Poetry is a medium of precision. Say it once, say it right. There's a keen awareness of time in this piece (which I find fascinating) and you show us this. So there's no need to tell us.

It is light.

The sun peers over the horizon. Tells us it is light ;D
Light streams through slits in the curtains,
Inching forwradsforwards as the sun begins to rise. Once again, tells us it is light ;D
Woken by the smell of buttered toast, Once again, tells us it is morning
grabbed by the hem of their clothes, Who is grabbed? who is dragged? Grammatically, the smell of toast is being modified here o_0
dragged to the kitchen as the smell of golden syrup wafts towards them.
Taken away,
by fate, by circumstance,
by death.

That lurks at theretheir door,

Sounds good to me

Well, for starters, I like it because it is calming in a way, not too much action, not too much dullness, which is why it's calming to me. I have a few things to complement you on, and a few to pick on.

Here's the part I enjoyed the best:

"A knock, a thud, the door swings open.
A shower of bullets, before
Pools of blood stain the floor."

Not because I like the death, but the smoothness and how easy it is to follow. It's also a turning point in the poem, or the climax, as most would say, and a strong one at that.

"The sun falls in the sky,
Submitting after a battle between the sun and the moon,
Falling, dying, before becoming cold and burying itself under the horizon. 8D
People, young and old, huddle together,
Watching moving images with the same shade of green eyes,
Smiling, sniggering, crying with laughter,"

I thought that was wasn't as smooth as the other stanzas, therefor I didn't enjoy it as much. But I did laugh a bit when I saw the little smily face half way through the stanza

Overall, I liked it. Easy to understand and stick with.