Hello again!
Okay, the things I mentioned in the previous review about slowing down and making sure you're not doing too much in each chapter applies here as well. Instead of repeating myself (because that's not helpful), I want to give you some examples of how you could expand in places and what showing might look like here. And I also want to talk about your dialogue.
So showing and expanding. Let's look at your first paragraph:
"Why the hell am I so stupid"
I think this is a good opening line, but to differentiate thoughts from regular dialogue, I would recommend putting thoughts in italics. Also, I'll talk about this more later when we talk about dialogue, but you need punctuation after "stupid" and before the end quotation.
Anna was contemplating what had happened with Drake,
After you give us that thought, zoom out a bit and orient the reader to where we are. It doesn't have to be a big boring description of where Anna is, you can make it active like: "Anna paced her bedroom, contemplating what had happened with Drake." and then what does her room look like, is it messy because she's been so preoccupied with what's been going on with these boys? Is it super clean because she's been using that as a means to distract herself? Does she have a photo of herself with Drake sitting on her nightstand that reminds her of what their relationship was like before she found this news out?
how stupid she was when she left Drake because Lewis called,
You could show her feeling here. She feels stupid and horrible for leaving Drake after he confessed this huge thing to her just because Lewis called. How does she think this will effect her relationship with Drake (if it will)? How does she think he'll respond to what she did? Fester in her worry and her sorrow for a little while.
god the things he does to her... She was laid there, on her bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Then you can get deeper into her feelings about Lewis. How does she feel about the things he does to her? Why does she continue to go over there if she knows what's going to happen? And the part about her laying there on her bed, is that in reference to what she was doing when she was with Lewis or what she's doing now?
She felt like crying, screaming and punching a wall all at the same time.
Great identifying of her feelings! Now why does she feel this way? Is this in response to what happened with Drake, what happened with Lewis, or a little bit of both?
Anna got up off the bed and ambled over to her desk, opened up the top drawer, took out the picture of her and Drake and laid back down.
Great! Showing what she's doing. (I would start a new paragraph here though).
As she began to stare at the photo, she realized how happy she was.
Take me through this thought process a bit more. As she starts to stare at the photo, what immediately comes to mind for her. How does that thought change and develop to get her to the point of feeling happy?
That's when the tears came.
Describe these tears. Are they big fat crocodile tears or a few quiet tears rolling down her cheeks? And what sparked the tears? What is behind those tears?
Then there was a knock at her door Anna jumped, "crap my bruises."
This should be broken up into a few different sentences because you have a couple of different thoughts happening here. "There was a knock at her door. Anna jumped and thought, crap my bruises." Does she have any guesses about who could be at the door?
Anna looked into her phone and realized the bruises had faded.
What does she think now? Does she feel comfortable enough and safe enough to go open the door?
See how much just that one paragraph can be expanded by digging deep into her emotions and thought and showing the reader exactly what is going on? It takes practice, but it can be really effective
For the dialogue, you just need some more punctuation. Those rules can be a bit confusing but I think [url]http://theeditorsblog.net/2010/12/08/punctuation-in-dialogue/]this article[/url] does a really good job explaining how to do it.
I'll leave things there for now, but like I said in the previous chapter, I think this story has promise and I hope you continue to work on it (or another story)! Please let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!
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