Hi!
Welcome to YWS! So, I'm going to be writing a review for your chapter here. I'm going to do nitpicks first, and then we can get to the good stuff!
So here goes,
Fortunately, we have gotten you a prescription for anti- anxiety, anti-depressants and sleeping pills" Anna leaned back in the chair
Okay, so here there's just a little bit of missing punctuation. At the end of the speech you should probably have a full stop. So it's something like:
...and sleeping pills." Anna leaned back in the chair
"Miss Moore do you understand me, Mi-" "YES, I-I mean yes, yeah" This was all she could play in her mind every day for two weeks.
So here again is just missing punctuation. At the end of the speech there should either be a comma or a full stop, some form of punctuation to end the speech. So after she says 'yes, yeah' I would suggest putting a full stop.
But also, when writing speech, each time that a new character speaks you should begin a new paragraph. So, if I were using these sentences as an example I would perhaps structure it as:
"Miss Moore do you understand me, Mi-"
"YES, I-I mean yes, yeah." This was all she could play in her mind every day for two weeks.
It should be like this every time the speech switches from one character to another.
"YES, I-I mean yes, yeah" This was all she could play in her mind every day for two weeks.
Okay, so here my only suggestion would be if perhaps you put in a new paragraph at the end of the speech, I feel like this would perhaps make it a little clearer that the narrator is looking back at the diagnosis and that time has passed since then.
and began to stretch. "six o'clock,
Small point here, you just need a capital letter as there's a new sentence there. This happens a couple of times, I'd maybe suggest looking over it a little and catching those?
I'll tell you all about what happen."
Another small one, I think that maybe it should be 'happened' rather than happen?
I got to say hi to my momma but I'll be back soon, okay" explained Drake "promise?" inquired Anna "yeah I promise."
Okay so there's a bit of a lack of punctuation at all in this sentence. So, an example of where to put some in would maybe be:
I got to say hi to my momma, but I'll be back soon, okay?" Explained Drake.
"Promise?" inquired Anna.
"Yeah, I promise."
See what I mean? It just makes it a little easier to read.
Anna knew something was wrong, however, he really didn't want to tell her about it. "Hey, I love you too." Anna knew something was wrong
Okay, last point. So here you have repeated the phrase 'Anna knew something was wrong' in quite a short space of time, I'd perhaps suggest that you got rid of one of them, or rephrased it so that it's a little bit less repetitive.
Okay, so I could go through the rest of it in the same way but I'd just be repeating myself, but hopefully that was enough to help you out with the grammar things that I found. If not feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to help you out.
But other than a few grammatical things your story looks great! There's lots of mystery which is great, because there's lots of questions that make me want to keep on reading. Like what was the attack? What happened? What's wrong with Drake? Which is awesome, and it's also great that they're already raised so early on!
Your characters are also great, they all appear likable, I think so far my favourite character is perhaps Payton, I hope we get to see more of her in later chapters. But I also like the relationship between Anna and Drake, they appear to be good for each other, which is great, but I'm also curious as to where their relationship is going.
Overall, aside from a couple of grammatical things this was a great chapter! I can't wait to see where it is going!
Burn
Points: 6950
Reviews: 91
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