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Young Writers Society


12+ Mature Content

Annabelle, Intro+Chapter 1

by Bluegirl135


Annabelle Intro

Two weeks ago; "Miss Moore, after careful examination of your daily behavior, sleep patterns and reactions to certain emotional stress, we have come to the conclusion that you have developed PTSD, depression. We have also found that you have extremely high levels of anxiety since the attack. Fortunately, we have gotten you a prescription for anti- anxiety, anti-depressants and sleeping pills" Anna leaned back in the chair, completely silent. "Miss Moore do you understand me, Mi-" "YES, I-I mean yes, yeah" This was all she could play in her mind every day for two weeks. The thought of anyone knowing made her skin crawl, well aside from her mom she knew straight after she was diagnosed. During those two weeks, she would sleep in till ten o'clock, stay up late and binge out at night. The pills were supposed to help, however, they didn't really do much at all. Sadly she had two more weeks of this to deal with. Those weeks went by pretty quickly...

Annabelle Chapter 1

Ding, ding, ding, ding. "I'm up, I'm up" Anna groaned as she clicked off her alarm and began to stretch. "six o'clock, earliest I've been up in a while," she thought to herself. "Maybe a hot shower" the thought was blissful. Tiredly, she clambered out of bed and took a quick shower. She dried herself off and put on some jeans and a shirt. Today, for once, she was excited, very excited. "Finally, after a year I get to see my boyfriend, Drake," she thought to herself. As she ambled into the living room, concentrating on the thought of seeing him... BANG.

"Ahhh crap, sorry Payton" Anna gasped. "No its ok, it's my fault, I was just going to check on you, your mom called," replied Payton. "WHAT, WHY??" questioned Anna. "just to see if you were up, you know because Drake gets back today, so no need to freak out ok..." Payton answered, confused as to why she was shouting. "Oh-I um sorry, I'm just a little too excited, about Drake, you know." Anna blurted quickly. "Hey anyway, I made breakfast, eggs, and bacon just like old times." Payton smiled. "Yeah, ok let's eat" Anna replied enthusiastically. They, both, were enjoying the meal and chatting so much they lost track of time. "Hey, um are you going to meet Drake at the airport?" Payton inquired. "Yeah, why" answered Anna. "Because, LOOK AT THE TIME!!! It's already eight thirty, you said he gets back at quarter to nine." Exclaimed Payton. "Oh crap, see you" "Bye."

Anna jumped into her car, turned on the ignition and set off down the road. Thirty minutes later she finally reached the airport and ran inside. She searched ferociously for Drake. Then all of a sudden, their eyes locked as she ran into a sweet embrace. "Hey, baby I've missed you" Drake smiled. "I have missed you so much, you've been gone so long." Anna wept as she began to cry. "hey baby what's up" questioned Drake. Anna wanted to tell him about the attack and depression and the pills, however, she didn't want to overwhelm him with worry. "Oh it's nothing, I just missed you so much" she replied reluctantly. "Okay, come on we best get back and I'll tell you all about what happen." The two got into Anna's car and headed back to her apartment. On the way there Anna felt like crying, she really wanted to tell Drake, however she kept it from him for his own good.

After another thirty minutes of driving, they headed into the apartment. Drake sat on the sofa and motioned Anna to sit with him. "So while I was away not too much happened, I mean I had to befriended a drug lord, kept an eye on him then we caught him and his gang. Then, after I did a couple of extra training courses. you know not much" Drake quickly explained. "Hey, so all that training may have made you a little buffer ay, well if that's even possible?" Anna laughed. "huh maybe" smirked Drake. "Anyway, you want to do anything special?" questioned Anna. "N-yeah actually I want to take you out to dinner, so get ready soon, I got to say hi to my momma but I'll be back soon, okay" explained Drake "promise?" inquired Anna "yeah I promise."

A few hours later Anna got a text from Drake saying he'll be there in about thirty minutes, she got up, got into a beautiful black dress and did her makeup. Knock, knock. "I'll get it" shouted Payton "N- crap." She could hear Drakes voice, and for a moment it felt like the whole world stopped. She slid down the door and sat for a minute. Her heart was in her throat, her stomach in a tight knot, she couldn't breathe. Tears streamed down her face. "Hey Drakes here."called Payton. "yeah uh just a minute" Anna replied. "you okay" Payton asked "um yeah just got to finish my um makeup." Anna breathed in and out, in and out. After a minute or so she got up, touched up her makeup and left to go out with Drake. As she left her heart was still pounding and she was still a little out of breath, however, she just powered through it.

When she got back, she was a little tired, however, Drake just wanted to get straight down to business. He started kissing her right on the sofa, however "oh crap sorry guys didn't know you were back, so sorry" Payton gasped awkwardly. Drake and Anna jumped off the sofa to apologize. "Hey its ok, its just I need this room to watch TV and eat my pizza," explained Payton. "Oh yeah sure" Anna laughed as Drake pulled her off to bed. She felt as if Drake was forcing himself to do this. "whoa, Drake I don't feel like doing this right now" revealed Anna. "Whoa, why? What did I do wrong?" questioned Drake. "It's not you, this just doesn't feel right. Well at least not right now" answered Anna "Oh I um, ok, I'm going to go now" Drake muttered. "No please stay, its just I need to get used to us again, you know with you being gone for so long" Anna pled tearfully. "yeah ok I'm just going to get changed.". As Drake changed into his pj's Anna did the same then laid under the covers, as Drake laid next to her.

As Anna woke up, she realized, Drake had his arm wrapped tightly around her. Carefully she moved his arms and snuck out of bed to make pancakes. A while after she had begun making breakfast she was snuck up on by Drake who put his hands on her shoulder: "Huh oh gosh you scared me" laughed Anna as she held his hands. "So are you feeling better after last night?" questioned Drake. "Um yeah, really sorry" replied Anna. "Hey it's ok, anyway, I was hoping to talk to you over breakfast," explained Drake, sounding nervous. "Um yeah, sure" replied Anna. "So what did you want to talk about?" inquired Anna. "I um, I wanted to, um tell you that um-" Drake began. " Come on, what's up you can tell me anything," Anna assured him. "I just wanted to say, that I um, that I love you so much" Answered Drake. Anna knew something was wrong, however, he really didn't want to tell her about it. "Hey, I love you too." Anna knew something was wrong, she just had no idea how to get him to spit it out...


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Thu Sep 01, 2016 11:42 am
burninhell wrote a review...



Hi!
Welcome to YWS! So, I'm going to be writing a review for your chapter here. I'm going to do nitpicks first, and then we can get to the good stuff! :)
So here goes,

Fortunately, we have gotten you a prescription for anti- anxiety, anti-depressants and sleeping pills" Anna leaned back in the chair

Okay, so here there's just a little bit of missing punctuation. At the end of the speech you should probably have a full stop. So it's something like:
...and sleeping pills." Anna leaned back in the chair

"Miss Moore do you understand me, Mi-" "YES, I-I mean yes, yeah" This was all she could play in her mind every day for two weeks.

So here again is just missing punctuation. At the end of the speech there should either be a comma or a full stop, some form of punctuation to end the speech. So after she says 'yes, yeah' I would suggest putting a full stop.
But also, when writing speech, each time that a new character speaks you should begin a new paragraph. So, if I were using these sentences as an example I would perhaps structure it as:

"Miss Moore do you understand me, Mi-"
"YES, I-I mean yes, yeah." This was all she could play in her mind every day for two weeks.

It should be like this every time the speech switches from one character to another.

"YES, I-I mean yes, yeah" This was all she could play in her mind every day for two weeks.

Okay, so here my only suggestion would be if perhaps you put in a new paragraph at the end of the speech, I feel like this would perhaps make it a little clearer that the narrator is looking back at the diagnosis and that time has passed since then.

and began to stretch. "six o'clock,

Small point here, you just need a capital letter as there's a new sentence there. This happens a couple of times, I'd maybe suggest looking over it a little and catching those? :)

I'll tell you all about what happen."

Another small one, I think that maybe it should be 'happened' rather than happen?

I got to say hi to my momma but I'll be back soon, okay" explained Drake "promise?" inquired Anna "yeah I promise."

Okay so there's a bit of a lack of punctuation at all in this sentence. So, an example of where to put some in would maybe be:
I got to say hi to my momma, but I'll be back soon, okay?" Explained Drake.
"Promise?" inquired Anna.
"Yeah, I promise."
See what I mean? It just makes it a little easier to read.

Anna knew something was wrong, however, he really didn't want to tell her about it. "Hey, I love you too." Anna knew something was wrong

Okay, last point. So here you have repeated the phrase 'Anna knew something was wrong' in quite a short space of time, I'd perhaps suggest that you got rid of one of them, or rephrased it so that it's a little bit less repetitive. :)

Okay, so I could go through the rest of it in the same way but I'd just be repeating myself, but hopefully that was enough to help you out with the grammar things that I found. If not feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to help you out. :)

But other than a few grammatical things your story looks great! There's lots of mystery which is great, because there's lots of questions that make me want to keep on reading. Like what was the attack? What happened? What's wrong with Drake? Which is awesome, and it's also great that they're already raised so early on!
Your characters are also great, they all appear likable, I think so far my favourite character is perhaps Payton, I hope we get to see more of her in later chapters. But I also like the relationship between Anna and Drake, they appear to be good for each other, which is great, but I'm also curious as to where their relationship is going.
Overall, aside from a couple of grammatical things this was a great chapter! I can't wait to see where it is going!
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Mon Aug 29, 2016 4:37 pm
Panikos wrote a review...



Hi, Bluegirl135. Welcome to YWS! I'm Pan, and I'll be cooking up a review for you today.

Well, I applaud you for tackling such a mature subject at such a young age. I certainly wasn't writing about the effects of depression and anxiety when I was twelve, so credit to you for taking on something so difficult. If I was to give you any advice in terms of the plot, I'd only encourage you to do a some reading about what it's like to suffer from depression and anxiety. If you seek out blogs or first-hand accounts written by people who live with the mental illnesses that Anna has (or if you have anybody in your life that you can ask), you'll find it a lot easier to portray them realistically. Background reading is always key!

You've definitely set up a story with a lot of intrigue. It's great that you're holding back on explaining what has happened to Anna, as that maintains the mystery and keeps the reader interested. It's important to have a secret at the start of a story, so be careful not to reveal all of the answers too early on.

Once of the big things that I would ask you to work on is formatting your dialogue. In novels, you must start a new line every time a new character speaks - this makes all of your speech much, much easier to read. I'll demo it by using a few lines from Anna and Payton's conversation at the beginning of the chapter:

"Ahhh crap, sorry Payton" Anna gasped.
"No, it's okay. It's my fault, I was just going to check on you. Your mom called," replied Payton.
"WHAT, WHY??" questioned Anna.
"Just to see if you were up. You know, because Drake gets back today. So no need to freak out, okay..." Payton answered, confused as to why she was shouting.
"Oh-I um sorry, I'm just a little too excited, about Drake, you know." Anna blurted quickly.


This makes it a lot easier to follow what is being said.

I'll also offer a piece of advice that I give a lot of writers: don't be afraid to just use the word 'said'. Most of us get taught in school that using 'said' is bland and repetitive, but that's just not true. 'Said' is such a subtle word that readers tend not to notice it, which is great if you don't want to disrupt the flow of your dialogue. Words like 'questioned' and 'answered' and 'blurted' are fine when used occasionally, but they can distract from the actual speech if used to often.

Most renowned and published authors will use 'said' about 90% of the time, and there is no reason that you shouldn't either. Only use other words - like 'shouted' and 'stammered' and 'wailed' - when you want to communicate the emotion in a piece of dialogue.

I hope this review has given you enough to think about. Congratulations on writing a thoughtful and engaging start to your story. I'm interested to see where it will lead.

Hope I helped! PM me if you have any questions.

Keep writing :D
~Pan




Bluegirl135 says...


Thanks very much, sorry I didn't get a chance to read this before I uploaded chapter 2 but I did edit the dialogue by spacing it out. I also want to say, I decided to write about depression and anxiety specifically because I do struggle with it myself. Anyway thanks for all the advice, I will definitely take it on board. Oh and as well i have decided to reveal a little more of what happened in chapter 2 but not all of it.

Thanks again :D




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