Chapter 1
I'm Rin Okumura
"That's the last one," I said, sheathing Kurikara.
"Thank you, Sir Exorcist!" the old man said, shaking my hand gratefully. "You do not know the kindness you have done for my family.
"I'm just doing my job," I said with a forced smile. Why do I have to exorcise ghouls? I wondered angrily. I've been an Exorcist, and a decently ranked one, for a year longer than everyone but Yukio! I turned and stalked away, shivering in the cool winter air.
It was a peaceful night. The snow fell gently around me. Only the rhythmic beat of the sword that held my demon powers--Kurikara, the Koma Sword--on my back kept me awake.
I heard something move behind me and then something landed on my shoulder. I looked at it, a little startled but then sighed.
"Kuro, what gives? You couldn't wait another twenty minutes before I got home?" I said, stroking the demon cat. I took him off my shoulder and held him in the crook of my arm.
I waited and waited for you Rin, but it was so dark and boring! So I decided to go out and look for you. Kuro said, purring softly as I gently petted him.
I shook my head and chuckled to myself. "Oh, Kuro. . . What am I going to do with you?" I said, not paying attention to what was in front of me. In doing so, I walked right into a lovely lady, making her drop her hot drink--and me, Kuro.
"Oh! I-I'm so sorry, Miss! here, let me buy you another one," I said, trying to make up for my mistake. I inhaled sharply. "Shoot! I just got this coat cleaned!" I groaned. "Yukio's gonna kill me. . ."
"No, really, it's my fault." She leaned down to grab her spilled coffee cup at the same time I did, and we bumped foreheads.
I felt my cheeks grow warm as I grabbed the cup. I stood up at a comical speed, and almost fell over backwards. I laughed nervously as I brushed the snow off of my coat.
"So," I said as I threw the empty cup away, "let's restart. I'm Rin Okumura. And you are?" I held out my hand.
"I'm Ava. Ava Ryuzaki." She shook my hand.
"Why don't you say we go into the nearest Apollo's Coffee and I replace that--"I licked the spilled drink off my hand "--hot chocolate I made you spill?" I asked.
"No, it's okay. I can't make you-"
"No, please. My treat."
She sighed, realizing that I wouldn't take no for an answer. "Oh, alright," she said.
We went to the local Apollo's Coffee that was just a few minutes walk away from where we crashed into each other.
I set my demon cat down. "Stay out here Kuro, and wait for me, 'kay?"
I ordered Ava a new hot coca and myself a doughnt. I sat on a stool by the counter as we waited.
We got a table so we could sit down while we were waiting for my doughnut and her coffee.
Now that I can get a proper look at her, she's kinda cute. . . I thought.
I noticed Ava eyeing my coat, and more importantly, the odd pendant that was pinned to it. Her eyes drifted to the sword on my shoulder.
"What's with the sword and outfit? Are you like a cosplayer or a circus swordsman?" Ava asked me.
I was somewhat offended by the cosplay remark. I opened my mouth to yell at her, give her a piece of my mind and tell her I'm a respectable Exorcist, but then I saw my hand flicker with blue flame. I balled my hand into a fist, closed my eyes, and counted to ten. I opened my eyes. My flames extinguished themselves.
I had almost lost control.
"No, I'm not a cosplayer," I told her as calmly as I could. "I'm an Exorcist, from the Knights of the True Cross." I unpinned the pendant from my coat and handed it to her to examine.
Ava took it gingerly and turned it over in her fingers. A moment later she handed it back to me. "An Exorcist, you say. . . ."
I pinned the pendant back on my coat. "Yep. Intermediate Exorcist First Class," I said. "You know anything about Exorcists besides we exorcise demons?" I asked.
"Well, no. Not really," she said. "I don't really believe in demons and gods."
Okay, that explains a lot, I thought. The man handed me the drink and food.
Seems I've repayed the debt, then," I said, handing it to her. I grabbed a handful of napkins, remembering the spill on my coat. I pressed them to the wet area.
"My brother's probaby waiting, I'd best be off," I said. "I'm sure you've got something to do tonight as well," I stood, rubbing my neck.
She stood as well. "Yeah, I'm off to a meeting in thirty minutes," she said.
****
I got home and plunked Kurikara down on the couch and put my coat on the hook on the back of the door. Kuro--who apparently was with me the whole time--left to lay down on his cat bed by my bedroom. I went and sat down on the couch.
I'm not rich, and there are by far better homes than mine. But it was nicer than other homes.
I could live at the dorm at True Cross College, but there were things I could get with living in a home somewhere else that I couldn't get at True Cross, like say, a kitchen. I know that Yukio and I had the whole dorm to us when we were in True Cross Academy--but the thing with that one is, well, we're no longer in high school. I mean, I was twenty at that time--if I was still in high school at that point, I'd've been worried.
Anyway, I had a decent little place. It had three rooms--a bedroom, a bathroom, and then the main room. The main room was my kitchen and my living room.
There isn't much to behold in the wonderful home of Rin Okumura, the Blue Exorcist. I had an old Nintendo 64 with two games that I got several years back from my old man. (Those two games being Zelda Ocarina of Time and Zelda Majora's Mask.) The two nicest things in my home were my TV and my computer. I had a nice gaming PC that I got for my birthday last year--a gift from all of my friends and Yukio combined. My TV I had bought on my own two months ago--I'd been saving up for three years.
In front of my '64 and TV there was a dark blue loveseat. In front of that loveseat there was a small teakwood coffee table--which bore my '64, games, and controller.
Kuro came out of his lurking bed in the hallway. Rin? he asked. He saw me sitting on the couch. Rin! Are you gonna play some Zelda? he asked excitedly. He loved to watch me play Zelda, whether it be Majora's Mask or Ocarina of Time.
He doesn't want to even be in the house, though, when I'm in a certain part of Majora's Mask--Ikana Valley. Doesn't matter if I've already been there in the game and taken care of the man in the gibdo mask, learned the Elegy of Emptiness, and dealt with the dead composer.
I wish my DS was still alive. . . I thought, sadly remembering the loss of my DS, resulting the loss of playing Spirit Tracks and Phantom Hourglass.
Wow. . . I'm addicted to Zelda.
I looked at the clock. It read 9:30 PM. I turned to Kuro, and sighed. "I'll go get ready for bed first--then I'll play some Zelda, 'kay?" I said.
Aye, sir! he replied.
I've been letting him watch too much Fairy Tail. . . I thought tiredly, lumbering into my bedroom. I just changed into some sweat pants and my Sword Art Online T-shirt.
"All right, Kuro. ." I sighed, sitting down heavily on the couch and turning on the console and TV. I looked at the clock while everything was booting up.
Hot damn, I thought. Why am I so tired at only nine thirty five? I'm usually up until at least ten thirty! I thought. Then again, though, I wasn't usually up exorcising ghouls and the like at nine. I was usually just hangin' out in the house. . .
Sometimes there are just the really resilient demons that rack up your schedule.
The title screen for Ocarina of Time came up, along with it pretty little fairy theme. I selected the save labeled 'BEN', which was just below the one labeled 'DROWNED.'
It was Bon's ide. He'd gotten into this creepypasta thing for Majora's Mask called Ben Drowned, and decided--for fun--to put Ben Drowned as profiles on Ocarina of Time. For some reason.
The screen blackened, then loaded up, playing the Temple of Time theme. I sighed in frustration--I had been in the middle of the Shadow Temple. Now I'd have to redo the whole thing. I wiped my forehead and drew my hand through my hair, but picked up the controller again nonetheless.
I played the Nocturne of Shadow and the purple warp animation played--and my character appeared at the entrance of the Shadow Temple.
"Oh well," I sighed, entering the Shadow Temple.
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139,220 Literary Works • 672,514 Reviews
I'm going to put it out there right away that I don't know what this is a fan-fic of so I'm coming to this from the view point of someone who's not keyed in about the characters or universe.
As this is first person, it would flow more smoothly to have something like 'I saw her looking at my coat, probably because the pendant pinned to it really stands out. Then her eyes trailed to my sword.' -- I'm not sure that the lack of a bag is so unusual or how Rin would know that's what she's noticing.Specifics
1. I'm not sure if I'd describe a night which causes me to shiver as peaceful but then I'm not a fan of the cold unless there's snow.
2. I feel like a lot of the first paragraph is info dump/ catch up and it's not a very interesting start. Maybe we could instead begin with the exorcism scene and have Rin complaining to the ghoul about how it's not fair that the others got better tasks?
3. Why does the lady have coffee at night and if she does, where does Rin think a new one can be bought from?Also who drinks coffee at night?
4. The romance feels very forced! I think you could make it more interesting and less 'love at first sight' cliche. It would be better if the lady did get mad at Rin about the coffee and if they actually got off to a bad start.
5.
6. If they've ordered coffee and a doughnut I'm guessing they're chatting at the counter rather than sat at a table? I think some more setting description would help us to understand where the characters are standing and to picture the scene. Also, you should describe where Kuro is during the scene. People don't just forget about their cats so Rin should acknowledge him.
7. I think the details at the end of Rin playing the Zelda games are too much for anyone who hasn't really played them and isn't interested in them. It would be more fun instead to introduce a potential conflict to the chapter and to hook your readers in.
Overall
This flows pretty smoothly and I think Rin's characterisation is good but it's a slow first chapter and I think a bigger plot line could have been introduced. I'd also like to see the romance be less obvious and for the meeting scene in general to feel a little more realistic.
Best of luck with this!
~Heather
Hello there, Heather! First off, thank you for reviewing my work!
It seems that neither you nor I can call a night peaceful without snow, haha. (I grew up in Massachusetts, lived there for eight years I did.) However, Rin shivered because the night was cold. Also, I somewhat (lazily) implied that there was snow by mentioning it was winter. And, later I spell it out for you when I say that Rin brushed snow off his coat.
That about clear things up? Anyhow, onward.
That whole rant seemed off to me too, actually. XD I wrote this two years ago after I first watched Blue Exorcist when I was twelve. I basically published this with a quick scan for grammar, no real changes.
Thank you for pointing out the coffee thing. I find often that I use things to press the story forward, but sometimes use flawed logic and need others to point that out for me. xD Perhaps I should change it to hot chocolate. That'd make more sense at night, and, it's winter.
I also believe I mentioned a subtle [i[Battlestar Galactica[/i] reference by saying that Rin wanted to buy her a new drink at the "Apollo's Coffee Shop" nearby. Starbuck's partner in the show is Apollo. Either way, I mentioned where the drink was being bought from.
Love at first sight? What? No. Nonono. It was meant to be an awkward encounter that was to be elaborated on later in the story. No way in **** am I doing a lame-o love at first sight! 'Scuse me, "opposites attract" fan here!
Getting mad at him? What is this? Some tsundere-loli anime? (Sorry if I sounded rude here, that's not what I meant it to come across as.) No. Unlike they are portrayed in some anime, *looks at every tsundere in anime* the Japanese are a very polite people. If something like that were to happen, most likely, they'd attempt to be good to each other. Especially with how Ava's temperament is in my mind. If anything, Rin'd get upset.
Perhaps I should do that. Spill on his coat or something. Ooh!
THAT SENTENCE FELT SO CHOPPY
YOUR REVISION IS SO MUCH BETTER
I've never been to a coffee shop, I'll be honest. (My family is LDS, we don't do strong drinks i.e. coffee, tea, alcohol, et cetera.) And the fast food joints I go to take like twelve minutes for everything--it's frustrating. Lazy teenagers. We usually go sit at a table. But I guess that ain't the norm? I'll change that.
I spent too much time talking about Zelda, didn't I? Darn it! I thought that was a moderate amount of time.
Guess not, eh?
Well, it's good to know my story flows smoothly. At least that's something I'm good at.
I have trouble with building larger plotlines in the first chapter, haha! I'm terrible at it. Usually my first chapters turn out to be some sort of lame prologue and the second chapter is rated much more highly.
It really feels like a romance, doesn't it? Well frick. That's not what I was intending at all.
But I guess any first encounter with a character of the opposite gender in the first chapter is going to be obvious love-interest, huh? At least, if you've read any book that has any sort of romance in it whatsoever. Annabeth was obvious, Jace was obvious, Susebron not so much, but if you know Brandon it's clear. (Incoming Mistborn rant, skip to the end of the parenthesees if you want to make it to my point.) Except in Wax & Marasi's case. I thought it was Marasi, but no, he chose Steris in Bands of Mourning. But I ain't complainin'. After Bands of Mourning, who wouldn't want to marry Steris? I sure as heck wanted to marry her!)
ANYHOW
I'll have to work a bit more on that.
Thanks again for reading my awful twelve-year-old writing and taking the time to review it. Have a wonderful day!
-Jay
Hello there, Heather! First off, thank you for reviewing my work!
It seems that neither you nor I can call a night peaceful without snow, haha. (I grew up in Massachusetts, lived there for eight years I did.) However, Rin shivered because the night was cold. Also, I somewhat (lazily) implied that there was snow by mentioning it was winter. And, later I spell it out for you when I say that Rin brushed snow off his coat.
That about clear things up? Anyhow, onward.
That whole rant seemed off to me too, actually. XD I wrote this two years ago after I first watched Blue Exorcist when I was twelve. I basically published this with a quick scan for grammar, no real changes.
Thank you for pointing out the coffee thing. I find often that I use things to press the story forward, but sometimes use flawed logic and need others to point that out for me. xD Perhaps I should change it to hot chocolate. That'd make more sense at night, and, it's winter.
I also believe I mentioned a subtle [i[Battlestar Galactica[/i] reference by saying that Rin wanted to buy her a new drink at the "Apollo's Coffee Shop" nearby. Starbuck's partner in the show is Apollo. Either way, I mentioned where the drink was being bought from.
Love at first sight? What? No. Nonono. It was meant to be an awkward encounter that was to be elaborated on later in the story. No way in **** am I doing a lame-o love at first sight! 'Scuse me, "opposites attract" fan here!
Getting mad at him? What is this? Some tsundere-loli anime? (Sorry if I sounded rude here, that's not what I meant it to come across as.) No. Unlike they are portrayed in some anime, *looks at every tsundere in anime* the Japanese are a very polite people. If something like that were to happen, most likely, they'd attempt to be good to each other. Especially with how Ava's temperament is in my mind. If anything, Rin'd get upset.
Perhaps I should do that. Spill on his coat or something. Ooh!
THAT SENTENCE FELT SO CHOPPY
YOUR REVISION IS SO MUCH BETTER
I've never been to a coffee shop, I'll be honest. (My family is LDS, we don't do strong drinks i.e. coffee, tea, alcohol, et cetera.) And the fast food joints I go to take like twelve minutes for everything--it's frustrating. Lazy teenagers. We usually go sit at a table. But I guess that ain't the norm? I'll change that.
I spent too much time talking about Zelda, didn't I? Darn it! I thought that was a moderate amount of time.
Guess not, eh?
Well, it's good to know my story flows smoothly. At least that's something I'm good at.
I have trouble with building larger plotlines in the first chapter, haha! I'm terrible at it. Usually my first chapters turn out to be some sort of lame prologue and the second chapter is rated much more highly.
It really feels like a romance, doesn't it? Well frick. That's not what I was intending at all.
But I guess any first encounter with a character of the opposite gender in the first chapter is going to be obvious love-interest, huh? At least, if you've read any book that has any sort of romance in it whatsoever. Annabeth was obvious, Jace was obvious, Susebron not so much, but if you know Brandon it's clear. (Incoming Mistborn rant, skip to the end of the parenthesees if you want to make it to my point.) Except in Wax & Marasi's case. I thought it was Marasi, but no, he chose Steris in Bands of Mourning. But I ain't complainin'. After Bands of Mourning, who wouldn't want to marry Steris? I sure as heck wanted to marry her!)
ANYHOW
I'll have to work a bit more on that.
Thanks again for reading my awful twelve-year-old writing and taking the time to review it. Have a wonderful day!
-Jay
Oh whaddaya know, I even said "the snow fell gently around me."
Huh.
Yes - I saw the snow comments later and meant to go back up and revise that part so it's fine that Rin finds the night peaceful. Snow can make any situation seem peaceful - it's just so white and pretty!
With the two characters meeting and it seeming like romance, it was partly the way you described the characters blush, their eyes meeting and then at one point, I think when he was buying her coffee, Rin observed that she seemed kind of cute.
It's fine for them to not get mad at each other, they can still be overly polite but maybe if you want it to seem less of a romance, describe Rin as feeling awkward and thinking about the fact that he's in a rush and doesn't want to buy the girl coffee but feels like he has to since he messed up. If you make it more of a grudging/ polite offer and have Rin more interested in where he's heading to next/ things going on then it will feel more like a distraction. Jim Butcher tends to do that really well and I never know which girls the main character might actually end up with because he's usually so focused on chasing down the bad guys or not getting killed xD
I'm glad the review was useful and keep working on this, I think Rin's character seems cool!
I am going to review your work today and since it's review day I am going to make my review longer than I normally do make my reviews. So I can see that you are also a legend of Zelda fan as well or you at least have a few games. I like this story and am going to read and review the next chapter in this story. I get the feeling that you are making a fan fiction of the anime "blue exorcist" and that you are an anime fan as well. This story was really easy to read and I like your writing style cause it feels familiar to me. While reading your story I felt kinda confused cause I have seen the anime and read the manga to "blue exorcist" and I think you are kinda fan functioning the anime. This story was a good story and I liked it though I could see a few errors but it's not noticeable to an untrained eye like myself but somehow I saw them. I kinda wanna play majora's mask now cause of reading this story and I have been playing Legend of Zelda games since I was young and that is one of the few Zelda games I don't have so thank you for that wanting to get that game feeling.
I hope you have a wonderful day, evening, morning, or night depending on where you live. I wish to see more of your work in the future and keep up the good work.
Why thank you! Yes, I am a Zelda fan. I've been playing The Legend of Zelda since I was five--and I'm fourteen now.
You said that you saw a few errors. May I ask, what were they? I'm a perfectionist--so I'd love to get those fixed with most haste.
Also, what do you mean by "fan functioning" it? I've only watched the anime; so I don't really know the feeling of the manga. But I tried to replicate the anime as much as I could--like a continuation of it or something.
Thanks for this review!
-Jay