Valley of the Shadow
Do not think that you can fool me.
I know how you have lured others
with promises,
of cool water and soothing shade,
into the darkness.
I know that sickly sweet call.
Peace they call it, comfort!
Beguiled by the treacherous
nectar of the lotus.
Lazy, complacent, apathetic.
starved on mediocrity
I know the danger of that shadow dappled path.
But...
It does seem a pleasant route.
The day yet holds back the night.
Would it really hurt to take a look?
Just a quick look
is all.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Okay, this one was creepy. It really symbolized the temptation to go to the darkness. Many people have gone into that darkness and never returned. But, some that have gone into said darkness have come back again.
Overall, it was kind of awkward to read in some places, but it was good nonetheless.
Hi! First off, I'd like to say I'm liking this layout a lot. It reflects the content of the poem really well and looks almost like a path through the desert or a valley river running down. Very cool! Shall we have a closer look?
) others is too general. I want to know who these others are who have been lured. This is your chance to put a personal stamp on the poem and show us some of those deeper under-currents and contemorary themes.]
Do not think that you can fool me. [I think this first line could have been stronger, more firm. It seems just a tiny bit hesitant, perhaps because of those extra words there. As if the persona is dragging it out to convince themself. It might actually be more effective to drop this line altogether and to go straight into the next. I like the next one.]
I know how you have lured others [Okay I like this next one. But! (Oh come on, you knew that was coming
I know that sickly sweet call. [I'm not sure about this description. Is it sickly sweet? Even when it looks like relief, it's still a push and not a pull. This isn't an ice cream sitting on the other side of a table, this is hands pushing and prodding you and over there it looks quiet and it looks safe. It's still terrifying and dark and you don't know what to expect, but it has to be better than here, right? I think sickly sweet trivialises your subject too much and doesn't give the right impression.]
Peace they call it, comfort! [Comfort is a great word choice, somehow it fits perfectly and the rhythm just falls into place right here, in this line. Good work.]
Lazy, complacent, apathetic. [This line is a bit meh. It's just a string of adjectives with no real emotion or image tied to any of them. You should try to avoid lines like that!]
But...[It might be interesting to have a more subtle shift in direction? These things don't tend to be quick, they tend to creep up on a person but they're always there, preying on them right from the beginning. I'd love to see the poem reflect that and change direction more slowly, blend the moment of actal decision out.]
Just a quick look
is all. [Not a very strong ending to the poem which is a shame! What you have so far has a lot of potential so give us a strong image to end on, even if it's something as basic as
Just a quick look
behind the light.
Always try to end on something solid as that's the last image your reader will take away and an image is stronger than words. I don't like to admit that but honestly, words which create an image will stay in a person's head much longer than those that concentrate on emotion/ thoughts etc.]
Alright so I liked this. I didn't actually expect to when I first started reading as I thought 'cool layout but it's not going to have much content' but I was wrong. You still need to work on bringing that content out more and think longer each time you choose a word as there are a few slightly sloppy lines but in general, nicely done.
Heather xxx
I found this very nice to read. It had a nice flow, very much like water flowing through a valley. I really like how it looks like on paper, with extra spaces. It adds something unique to your stanzas, and further compliments your main ideas. I think this has great potential to be something magnificent. In the third stanza, after the first line, you start your line without the use of a capital letter, yet the previous line ended with a full stop, Was this intentional at all, or is it a simple mistake? I also found the ending a bit confusing- what does the narrator want the character to look at? I would love it if you either explained it to me, or just simply put it in. Overall, I am impressed. Keep it up. When you have more work to upload, let me know. Because I'll probably love it.
4/5
Thanks, that was what i was aiming for. Yep that was a mistake the last stanza is essentially about temptation of the valley of the shadow (from the biblical valley of the shadow of death). The poem is about suicide and despair. The character spends the entire poem saying how he knows it is a dangerous path in life, that it is the easy way out, etc. The ending characterizes how easy it is for a person in life to go down that path in a moment of weakness, a lapse in judgment, or just plain depression.
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~
I like this. Alot actually.
I'm going to do this...Plain and simple. I'll start out with the negitives, and then I'll put all the juicy stuff at the end. To keep you in a happy mood.
Negitive-
-In the title, I saw you spelled "Sha[/b]dd[b]ow". I don't think you meant that. I think you wanted to spell it- "S-H-A-D-O-W" But, we all make mistakes, right?
- In the first verse, in the third line.... You stopped, and the sentence without a capital and you probrably pressed the "Tab" Key, because there's a huge indent. Is that a mistake or am I just being illusional?
- Same thing for the last line in the fourth stanza...It's confusing.
- In the First stanza in the fourth line you also started out without a capital like you did with the rest of the sentences...
Positive-
- This has a loot of emotion. It really gives out the depression side, weakness, ecetera, ecetera.
- I like how you formated the poem, it was really easy to read, It was short and simple.
-You used big words. Quality of a good writer. Some of those words I had to look up. That's great.
-This poem was very quick and simple. I like how at the end you put- " Just a quick look...Is all." I really liked that.
*Sighs* Okies, I'm done.
~Katie~