Days of Gold Gone By: Episode One.

A moment was all it took. One moment of pain. One moment of intensive heat. One moment in which I was lifted, lighter than air, into the world. One moment and I am born.

This is haunting and poetic, it immediately told me (as a reader) that this was either a. Surrealism or b. Fantasy. I am so glad that it is the former. Heh.

Anyway, although this here is beautiful, I don’t really think it works too well as a first sentence. It drew me in, yes, but “A moment was all it took” is rather vague and general. Personal preferences here. I would have started with something more like “I was born from ashes,” because the imagery evoked there is stronger, even though both sentences are familiar to us… i.e, we’ve heard it before. I’m trying to think of some famous openers to famous books here, but my mind is blank. All I can say is that one thing they all had in common was that they were unique, somewhat shocking, and altogether inextricable from the body of the work itself. When you think of those truly great books you automatically think of its first line, at least I do. Something so classic and memorable. “To begin with, Marley was dead” or “Call me Ishmael.” What I’m trying to say here is that your first line must also have that sense of memorability. This is good as-is, but I think that you could do better.

Now, all that first-sentence nit-picking aside, the rest of this works well, I think. I liked the repetition of “one moments” in there, but I think you should try to make them more driving and staccato. “Intensive heat” is a bit worn. Make this dynamic, vivid.
The only other thing is that it is rather odd to switch from the past “I was” into the sudden “I am born.” You proceed to write in present tense until the scene change, I believe. Now, this is purely stylistic, and I like that element of urgency that you suddenly introduce there. However, be aware that it is a bit awkward.

After reading through to chapter ten, I returned and read this scene again. At first, I did not realize what was happening here. After I found out what happened to him, however, this took on three-layers of meaning. And perhaps I’m being a bit over-analytical here, but a wealth of information is added to that first scene once we discover what has actually happened. And I sort of wonder too, if perhaps you should add some sort of hint in there, some tantalizing detail, to suggest that this is not as it all seems. Vagueness works well here, but I think you could do more to perhaps intrigue the reader’s sense of “story curiosity.” For me, I kept reading because of the mastery of poetic imagery. But you might be able to do something to draw them in a bit more, I don’t know. Just a thought.

Before I know it the chaos is over and I am seated silently. The room is neatly packed and it is home to a long set of tables, each akin to a collection of practical but pleasantly aesthetic chairs; one in which I sit.

So again, after reading this through all the way I revisited this and finally realized that it was his classroom. I didn’t catch that on the first time, it was all a bit muddled to me. I actually thought at first that he was at some sort of a training camp or something, not too far off, but perhaps you should do more to indicate that this is, in fact, a school room. He can already speak and describe what he sees cohesively even right after being “born,” so it wouldn’t be too far off for him to know what a class is. I don’t know though.

There are people by the window, peering outside at the sky, pointing. The majority of them are female, though there are a couple of boys whom seem to have a smaller number of years than myself.

The vividness and urgency of the description ends here, I think. For me, I was confused over the confusing point that I mentioned above, and was to busy trying to figure out what was going on to really pay much attention.

But that section of paragraph there^^^ seems out of place to me. Considering what has just occurred, both to Akira going back and the others going forward, such details as demographics seem rather dead in the prose. I like how you focused on the changing expressions later on, but remember, remember, remember. Only add those details which are directly relevant and important to the story now. Immerse us completely in Akira’s mind. What he notices reveals something about his character. Thus he should only note the details that are important to him in the present.

The clock reads five past eleven.

I realize that you are using this as a device to reveal his true situation. Let me say two things here:

1. Refer to the earlier note on relevancy of details. Do we really, (and I mean really) need to know this? I think the problem is revealed well enough without the use of actual time… if you took the clocks out would we still get it? I think so. Why would he be looking at his clock now anyway? These are among his very first thoughts, why would checking the time be important to him now?

2. When I first read that, I immediately thought of a particular story that structured everything with the countdown of a clock. It worked there because it was a thriller, and occurred in a span of 24 hours, and added a huge bite of urgency and direness to the plot. But you really don’t use that here, and I think that is a waste. Either a waste of great suspense that could be added through the use of a clock, or a waste of paper because (as I have said earlier) this particular detail isn’t all that necessary after all.

I have no idea what I am, where I am, who I am. I have just entered this world. My mind fully intelligible and aware of my surroundings, however…

This is what I was talking about in my first “review” on chapter ten. You tend to forget tiny, easily missed yet vitally important words. I have a tendency to do this as well, (my worst being putting “the” instead of “they,” or ironically vice-versa.) This just takes some careful editing, so be watching for those. There should be “is” between “mind” and “intelligible” here.

I have no memory of them. No recollection of anything. I am new to the world. The world is new to me. These people are new.
But I mean something to them, I just know it; they mean something to my future. I am someone they know, but am I the me they remember? I am a new person, one freshly born.

Here you start to repeat the same phrases over and over again. Yes, we know that he has just been “born” and that this is a new world to him. Yes, absolutely stress that fact. It is vital that that is clear in our minds and that we understand that. But I do think you could add so much more in the way of perspective. The world is fresh to him, and through his eyes it should be fresh to us as well. I’m not saying to over-kill the details, but do look for interesting and different ways to put things. I’m also thinking about character voice here. The way he describes things reveals something about who he is to us as well. So as an author it is your responsibility to crawl inside his skin and write as Akira would write, not as Blackwood would write. I think you do that extremely, extremely well for the most part, just be careful of little sections like this here where what could be great imagery falls into dry redundancy.

The event of the room seems to be a lesson but the place seems more like a home rather than a class; decorated with an arrangement of richer furnishings, most of them pushed to the side to create space for the table and people.

I think others have already mentioned this. Beware of run-on sentences. It sticks out and disrupts the flow of the rest of the prose.

I decide to take my leave; being here does me no benefit, nor does it help me to understand the world I have just become a part of.

Actions speak louder than words, they say. And I wonder what this says about Akira? I know if I was in that situation, I would have stayed put and tried to act how the others were acting, tried to stay as “normal” as possible. But he doesn’t do that. He gets up and leaves. That shows that he is independent, I think. He thinks for himself. But you need to show us that. Maybe take us inside his mind a bit more. “It does me no benefit” does not make him seem more “logical,” at least it didn’t to me. I was wondering how exactly he came to that conclusion. I didn’t understand him and I sort of glazed over this part as a result. Which is a bad thing, considering that this scene is the first bit of revelation we get as far as what is actually happening.

Someone, one of the females, says “Akira you are late.” It is peculiar because just after she says so, she seems to get a mild fright as I depart.

This makes perfect sense to me now. But reading through it the first time I was still completely befuddled. I think that might have to do with the setting, as I said earlier. I didn’t know where he was at first, and so I didn’t realize who the people were, and didn’t get that this was a classroom until about this part here. We have just been introduced to this world, and so has Akira. I think you can be a bit more liberal with the details. Maybe just try and be more specific.

~

I don’t know how I feel about the sudden scene breaks. Others didn’t seem to like them, but when I first read this I sort of liked the fragmented feeling it gave to the piece as a whole. It mirrored what I was thinking at that point, so it probably also reflects how Akira is feeling. A sort of psychological uncertainty, I think. So maybe make the scene transitions smoother, maybe not.

It does not take a genius to figure it out.

Since I know what the setting is I can say this here. Try to avoid the overtly English clichés in Akira’s speech. It sounds a bit hashed. They might use a similar expression, they might not. But he should speak uniquely. Think about who he is: he is a Japanese man in the 40’s and well-educated. That would affect the way he talks, the way he phrases things. Every person on this earth has their own voice, and I think you should work more towards defining Akira’s. This is a minor point here, bur for example, you could have said: “I still could not grasp what the extent of my intelligence was, but I had no doubt that the things that were happening to me would have been obvious to anyone.” That might sound even more “stuffy” and “English-sounding,” of course, but that’s just an example. My point here is really, try to avoid clichés, especially especially the distinctively English ones.

I have no clue where I am going or what I am doing,

Here again. "No clue."

I had left the building only to wander down the road outside the house of which I had come, which proved to be tall and grand. The streets are silent, deathly so; in the distance soon
starts a siren, but it does not ring for long.

Yet here you fall back into his voice. I know that I would have never said “which proved to be tall and grand,” I would have said “which was tall and impressive,” because that is my voice. But Akira says “which proved to be tall and grand,” and as I said before, that voice should reveal something about his character.

I think I’m getting overly excited and nit-picky over this, moving on…

I notice that I am wearing a wristwatch, a very fine one at that, gold rimmed with a thin but sturdy leather strap, held together with a golden clasp.
It reads ten to eleven.

I just noticed that this is an inconsistency. If he checked the time two scenes back, he would have noticed that he was wearing a watch. Of course, he could have been reading the wall clock, but you didn’t specify that. I think this detail is out of place. Have it in the first time reading instance, not here. Or not at all, as I’ve talked about earlier.

“As you said before, one house is no less dangerous than another.” She smiles. “You were right.”

Is this Kaho or Hikari speaking here? You should probably make some indication of that later on. Add a distinctive detail here so you an draw on that later, that way we will solve the mystery of who this girl was on her own.

(Ah, yes, it was Kaho, and you do mention that later on. Try perhaps, rounding out your female characters a bit more though. "Kaho has a round face," "mother has a bun," "Hikari is in love with Masaki," but other than that they seem rather flat. So I suppose the real issue I was having here is that your characters should be distinct on their own. In the things that they do and the way they speak. You start well with Kaho and his mother, but sort of drop that characterization later on.

Also, I get the sense that this is a “as you know Bob” situation. I mean, you have a very good reason for that type of exposition here, but please still try and avoid it. Don’t wreck what so far has been the pure joy of originality with a trope.

I stumble, unable to comprehend fast enough where her steps are taking us, she is agile and manoeuvres the streets and rubble efficiently.

*Nods* That is definitely not the way you spell “maneuvers."

I sort of got frustrated with the action in this section. It seemed a bit off and amueturish to me, for some reason. Put I can’t say what it was that bothered me exactly. Maybe just go back over this section here and revise.

The streets we move through are lined with buildings that dress in tattered clothing compared to the building I had come from; which had seemed very rich and western.

Try not to kill metaphors by explaining they are metaphors.

Suggested edit:

“The buildings are dressed in tattered rags compared to where I had just come from. That house now seems rich and ‘Western’ to my mind.”

We cover a more commercial area before arriving at the outskirts of housing. This residential area is also rich, but more traditional. The houses are clean and kept, with slanting roofs with curved eaves and balanced structure. Only a couple seem to have taken some minor external damage compared to the previous area.

It seems you slip into “telling” here, not “showing.” I didn’t really have an issue with anything like this on the first read, but I now see that there is so much you could do with the description.

Maybe revise this.

The girl sighs which fades down into a half-hearted laugh.

A laugh then a sigh, I think that is what you were trying to do here. However, this sentence is awkward and awkwardly phrased. Therefore, rephrase it.

She is a stranger, so I cannot let her so openly inflict so much affection.

Hmm. I like this here. A bit odd, but it makes sense when you understand the Japanese view on personal “closeness,” let us say.

She backs into the house,

This to me, seems like it is going to lead to major problems later on. First of all, it raises the question, “if everyone acts backwards, why don’t they all speak backwards?” Logically that would be consistent. “Arika” not “Akira,” etc. That mass of jumbled words would be unintelligible to anyone, and they would really have to learn to speak it as a language before they could ever even communicate. Same thing with walking, does Akira walk backwards everywhere he goes so it seems forward to others? Or does he walk forwards and to everyone else seem as though he is walking backwards? This is going to lead into a huge conundrum, and I am not sure how you want to solve that.

Here is my suggestion, perhaps not everything moves entirely backwards for him. Maybe he lives in a sort of “loop,” where he still speaks and acts as a person in normal time would, but because of this “loop” it creates the illusion to people living in real-time that he is still relatively normal, in other words he wouldn’t speak babble and regurgitate food at the table to them. Although if the loop were reversed that is what it would seem like to him. I hope that’s not as much as a brain-bender as it sounds. If he came to realize that a “loop” existed for certain things, such as speech and walking, then that would allow a little more leeway on what he can do. In fact, maybe it’s not a “loop” at all, but a “reversal illusion.”
I fear that unless you do something like that, you are going to get into impossible situations. It’s a paradox as-is, just try not to paint yourself into a corner.

I am seemingly dragged inside, though I put up no opposition. I have nowhere else to go.

Is he “seemingly?” or is he “really?” This doesn’t make much sense.

she then says, “You must not forget your bones are weak; I know you can only hope to better your education so you can survive in this harsh world, but you seem to not even want that for yourself. What you did was dangerous, especially in times like these.”

That is one huge block of dialogue. Does she really need to say all this? And in my foresight I know that you really don’t do anything with the “frail bone” aspect, so I fail to see why it should be left in at all. Either do something with it, at least mention it again somewhere, or cut it entirely.

What had I done? What will I do? These questions nag at my mind, but I know asking them would be futile,

How about “How will I know what to do?” instead of “What will I do?” Or maybe even “What was I going to do?” Perhaps he doesn’t realize that his conscience and willfull descicions are going to affect his past--which is really his future—yet.

June? It is a foreign word. A word in English for a month. But here she speaks of time like it is a person. Or is it?

Some people have commented on this before. If he knows June is a month and his mother refers to it as a person, then just have him mention that once. Don’t have him ponder over it again and again. Once is sufficient, he gets the letter soon enough and understands.

your body but now your head!?” She maddens. The anger is sudden, which means it had subdued quickly.

Impressive that he has grasped that concept so quickly. It might be seen as a bit unrealistic. I would like to see him grapple with his situation a bit more before he comes to terms with what it really means. Either have that happen earlier or have him as sort of an observer of a play here. He can (should) note what happens but can’t really subject any reasoning behind the actions yet.

“What were you thinking! Don’t think I haven’t heard, walking around in the small hours of the morning. Your mind is not fit! It is suffering now. Do you know how dangerous it is? Especially at night? You could be caught or trapped in stone, or even killed!” She grabs my shoulders firmly, giving me a surprisingly hard shake. Her hands hold tight but they are worn; nails cropped short and filed into neat half-moons hide away from the redness of her fingertips. She looks disappointed now, but it is inevitable.

Another problem with the dialogue here. Reading it in “real-time” it seems a bit plastic and fake, like she’s a machine just spouting words. I see that you were trying to make the dialogue work either backwards or forwards, but I don’t really think it works to well when you sacrifice the “naturalism” of speech to do that. The dialogue should be kept as real as possible, not stunted or forced into a place it doesn’t belong.

My second question here is, okay, he’s been out all night right? And the moment he gets home they take him out again to go to school? This doesn’t make much sense at all. There should be some pause between those two events.

It seems she only has about fourteen years left.

I love this.

I felt it as I had been born-or died. My number is about twenty-one remaining. Twenty and two hundred and eighty-nine days to be exact.

But not this. First of all, that is some incredibly fast math on his part. Second, why can’t he just say how old he is? “I have almost twenty-one remaining, about a hundred days less since my birthday was three months ago.” Which is going to cause another mind-twister for the reader. “How does he know the day he was born if that day is actually the day he dies?” Mwuh ha ha ha ha.

The other thing I didn’t like here was the “born- or died.” The “or died” part doesn’t make any sense at all. I would suggest that he comes to the realization that the day he was “born” is actually the day of his death later on. It will come as more of a head-slapping shock moment to the reader that way too. Either that or more suspense, if they know what’s happening but he doesn’t realize until later.

I know that by the end of them I will grow young, and my time would have come to leave the world again.

Which begs the question: “How young?” Benjamin Button style here. He has just been born, so although he retained some knowledge of the things of the world and speech and stuff, he will be going backwards and acquiring more and more knowledge. But as he becomes younger wouldn’t he start to “unlearn” that knowledge? Whatever happens he’s going to have a 23 (plus) year old mine in a nine year old body eventually, which I find depressing. My question is, however, at what point does he lose that knowledge? At what point does he become an infant again?
Also, I like how you have him become more and more “amnesiac” the closer to his “birth.” My one thing is, how does his family know he suffers from “amnesia” in his past, if his past is his future and he hasn’t done anything yet. Does he change the future as he changes the past? So some of what they are doing now would essentially be different as he moves backwards in time? I may be confusing myself here, but if that is the case you should probably mention that somewhere. Him changing the future through the past, I mean.

I wonder what it is like for them, everyone else. They live in the other direction, the number ahead of them is unknown. I have barely been alive a day yet I am so curious;

The “I am so curious” seems out of place there. It should belong to a separate sentence.

Speaking of Kaho,

Take this out. It’s an intrusion into the story world.

“There is a war out there, nii-,

Now, I am scratching my head on this one. You choose to omit all the honorifics from the rest of this, so I wonder why you choose to cut off “niisan” here. In fact, I am sort of wondering why all you chapters to this point are devoid of Japanese. Read any book set in a foreign location and I assure you that they will introduce us to some of the vocabulary. This doesn’t have to be done in a hashed, Scholastic style, it shouldn’t be obvious. But it does imbue a sense of place to your setting,, it feels more real. I think passing that up might hurt you later on. I would like to see some Japanese in Japan.

But not “niisan.” If you chose to omit honorifics, omit them entirely. People who aren’t familiar with this word will wonder why there is a random “nii” in there. It doesn’t fit.

Unless I know what I was going to say before they speak, I cannot communicate with them, ask them questions. Because what I say is their past, and their answer is my past. They cannot answer in a time before they had heard the question. I am curious to know if my memory changes or their memory changes, depending on what I do next.

Whoah, okay, slow down there. This is an incredibly confusing paragraph, and that’s coming from me after reading ten chapters into the story! Try to reveal the true implications of what his “condition” means in regards to communication gradually. It needs to be clear to us, and I think it becomes clear later on without actually needing this paragraph here. Try to avoid info-dumps. Especially the confusing ones.

I will soon figure out how to do this, how to live, how to breathe, and how to be; but now I just want to discover when and where I had been set.

Another colloquialism. “Figure out” sort of glared at me here.

Was there something significant in time in that part of the season?

Hmm? Too many parts to this sentence. You could revise to: “Was there something significant to that month?” or part of the year, OR season, but not all three.

Well, besides all the things I have already pointed out in the very lengthy section above, all I can do is reiterate two points.

1. Refine the dialogue. It needs to flow naturally and sound realistic. It’s going to be odd enough as is, everyone saying their lines in reverse order and all, so you have to make sure that it is as strong and believable as possible. Don’t sell yourself short here, you need to work with it so that it fits, not only in the story itself, but in the mouths of the characters.

2. Ground your setting. This is just as new of a world to us as it is Akira. While there are some things you can leave up to our imaginations you need to visualize. Give your world a depth and richness we haven’t seen before. It needs to feel real and breathing. Like we are living there too.