Introduction
I take a look at the world around me. I never thought that it would come to this. I never thought that such a wonderful thing could have been so dark..
Those happy-go-lucky people always said imagination is key, I never thought that kind of logic would have gotten us here..
I never thought that I would live to see the end of the Earth..
And..
I never thought I'd be the one who destroyed it.
Before we get into that.. Why don't I go ahead and tell you how all of this started?
The lighting flashed here and there while the thunder roared. The cold wind swept away the warmth desperately trying to enter my body. The clouds cried tiny cold bullets.
I wrap my arms around my torso, trying to conserve what little warmth I had left. I winced as lightning stuck, waiting for the deep rumbling that nearly shook the ground to follow. I shivered as the horrid rumbling sound pierced the air.
Why was I walking in this horrid rain and lightning with only a hoodie, thin shirt, converse, and jeans you ask? Easy, this weather was unexpected. I hiss in my mind, cursing the idiots at the weather station for breathing. Oh yes, it certainly was a 'beautiful sunny day with not a cloud in the sky' like they predicted.
Honestly, you'd think with all their fancy gear they would have predicted a chance of rain, but nope. A noise something between a growl and a sigh escapes my lips as the rain picks up. I pick up my pace, I was almost there. Quickly I open the door to my school and rush in. By this time my jacket was drenched as well as my hair. I had been shielding by backpack with my body so it was mostly dry.
I make a stop at the girls bathroom to take off the jacket as well as ring out my hair. I mentally groan at my hair's appearance. My once emo-styled hair looked like a black mop sticking out everywhere. I grab a ponytail holder out of my backpack and make a messy ponytail out of my black hair. My bangs hang a little over my eyes, yet my hair still looked ok.
I walk out of the bathroom before everyone gets there. Its hectic to be in the girl's bathroom in the morning. All of them fussing over their makeup, eyelashes, hair... It gets annoying. I make a sharp turn down the bleak hallway. Another thing I never liked about this school - It felt so empty and depressing. The floor was a dirty gray tile, while the walls were plain white. Lockers were dull blue and stray signs littered the walls. Could use a splash of color yanno?
I wince as I come upon a bright yellow door. English, first class. I take a deep breath and open the door, automatically I shield my eyes from the overpowering yellow. The halls were depressing as well as some classrooms, but my English teacher went out of her way to make her room bright. I know yellow is a 'happy color', but this was ridiculous! I like color, and the school needs some color. Seriously though... You can only have so much in one classroom. Truthfully I was surprised I hadn't gone blind from all the yellow yet.
I take my seat in the back of the class. There were just a couple people in the class already. A couple of your average nerds, they were either reading or looking over homework.
After a little while, students began filing into class and taking their seats. I sat on the farthest seat in the back on the left-hand side. The seat next to me was empty - I was classified as the creepy emo girl, so no one really bothered me. It was actually rather pleasant having no-one bug me.
A couple minutes later Mrs. Jackson, the English teacher, strutted in class. She was a relatively short person, probably around 5'3" or so, though I couldn't be sure. She was for sure a few inches shorter than me. She had brown hair that she often kept in a ponytail, green eyes, and a quite freckly face. Today she worse a white skirt, yellow flats, and a blouse with yellow and blue flowers on it. Her outfit was always cheery. She stepped up to her desk with a bright smile on her face.
"Alright guys! Take out your ET's and send in your homework!" She says while clicking a few buttons on her laptop. Everyone quiets down while pulling out little tablets. They were about 10 1/2 inches across and 7 inches tall. These were Educational Tablets, widely known as ET's. Instead of being like a normal tablet, they take a drop of your blood and connect to you through your DNA. Basically you can communicate with them through your mind. Once you give one your blood, it responds to only you. I slip mine out of my backpack look at the screen, concentrating on just the device and nothing else, eventually it powers up. The screen stays black while a little blue box pops up and asks for me to place my finger on the side. I place my finger on a little circle on the side of the tablet. After a few seconds it reads my blood and logs in. Whenever you wanted to use your ET, it had to scan your blood, though you can't even feel the prick.
After that, I pulled up my homework and sent it to Mrs. Jackson. Just as she was about to speak the door opened and a boy walked in. He had messy black hair as well as gray eyes, he looked around my age. He wore a gray hoodie, black jeans and a t-shirt underneath his hoodie. Not giving much attention on the matter, I turned and looked out of the window next to me. Even though I was looking out of the window, I could still hear Mrs. Jackson speaking.
"Oh, I forgot to mention, we have a new student joining us today!" I turned back to the teacher with a raised eyebrow. New student? Must have decided to switch schools. She looked at the boy who was awkwardly standing by the door. "This is Levi Erickson. Levi you can go take a seat next to Jinx." She said gesturing to me. Well, there goes sitting by myself. The boy, now known as Levi, made his way over and sat down. Mrs Jackson turned back to him. "For now you can just watch class, we'll get your materials later. Take out your ET and connect to the school please." He tilts his head in confusion.
"What's an ET..?" A few kids snicker in response and Mrs. Jackson looks surprised.
"Did your old school not have ETs?"
"Erm.. I was homeschooled," He mumbled.
"Oh.. Well then. Jinx, would you mind showing Levi around as well as showing him how to use his ET?"
"I-- Uh-."
"Splendid!" She responded before returning to her lesson, not giving me the chance to say no. Making a noise of annoyance, I slumped down in my seat and looked back towards the window. Tuning out the teacher and ignoring the feeling of eyes watching me. Today would prove to be interesting...
((I have published the story on Quotev as well! I have put it on here for some reviews and ideas!))
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hey BlackAshes,
Myjaspercat here to give you a review...
Ok, so happy reveiw day and what an interesting piece we have here. I liked it a lot and I really think that you have a lot of potential. But as always it needs some working upon (which I think I say to a lot of things... oh well).
The first thing I want to bring to light is the formating of the work. It's all over the place! Too many extra spaces, fights between centering the text and left-centering the text (<- I think that's the right word) and just... You should really work on the formatting because right now your piece is really straining to the eye. Don't worry though, I format problems for a long time.
Second up until the last line of your introduction, I really liked it. The last line to me is something that your reader can go without. As well if you do take it away it will leave your reader with a more intense kind of hook.
I like the detail that you give but I feel that it lacks. There just some element that is holding it back from really gripping the reader and pulling them in (or at least me). Show don't tell.
Anyways, I think that's all I want to say right now. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I hope I helped. Good luck and continue writing.
Hi! I thought that this was really good. When writing a novel you should always write things fully out "My bangs hang a little over my eyes, yet my hair still looked ok." You should correct "ok" to "okay". Also terms like "Could use a splash of color yanno?" You should spell it "you know". I think you should only use accent speech in dialogue but I might be wrong because you writing it first person. I don't usually write in first person so I'm not very familiar with first person grammar. Also with the tablet thing why does it need a password after it scans your blood and what note?
Hope I wasn't being too harsh, I really enjoyed this read.
Thanks for the review! I'll correct those mistakes and also edit the thing about the blood and password.
Hello BlackAshes. RainbowOfGayness here for a review.
This chapter is pretty good. I love the introduction. It gives a nice insider on what's going to happy to our friend Jinx (cool name by the way). I would have liked if a little more had happened, but that's ok. I have enjoyed what's been written so far. It is really interesting. Keep going. Happy writing!!!
Thanks! Sadly all of my first chapters tend to be boring x-x I shall have to work on putting a bit more 'Oomf' Into them! ^^;
No problem. And thats cool. You write to your hearts content, my friend.
Hey, Lau here for a review!
I really enjoyed this and I definitely like the main character. I like where this is heading also and I was entertained threw the whole story! Good job!
As for critique:
"By this time my Jacket was drenched as well as my hair." Why is jacket written with a capital J?
"I make a stop at the girls bathroom " I like the subtle hints you give with her description. There this one and others a long the story. Very clever.
"It felt so empty and depressing. The floor was a dirty gray tile, while the walls were plain white. Lockers were dull blue and stray signs littered the walls. Could use a splash of color yanno?" So here she wants more color, even goes so fast as to dedicate a paragraph to it...
"Truthfully I was surprised I hadn't gone blind from all the yellow yet." But here she complains about too much color, now or she makes up her mind or you do? Does she like color or not?
"Once you give one your blood, it responds to only you." So great, no one can hack in your tablet, but then..."entering my password." Why do you enter a password? No one can touch it! I thought I would just mention it...
I hope this helped and wasn't too harsh, if it was, tell me! I really like this and can't wait too read more. Just tell me when you publish!
-Lau.
Thank you for the review! And also for pointing out those mistakes especially with the ET password. - I shall have to edit all this. Thanks again!