The Exiled (or something like that...)

Again I must protest, how does this sound like the beginning of something? To me it sounds like a quick, clean, one shot poem. It tells you everything you need to know in four lines. But it is tucked away, and I'm writing more poems about The Silmarillion, heres one I've started working on today, it derives from a little scribble of a note I, well scribbled on a larger work (scrapped) I found the paper a few days ago, and another work in progress. If any here have read the Silmarillion or are familiar with it, a little help could do me good.

In his Iron Crown,
On his malignant frown,
The Blackheart wore the Silmarils three,
Now one is held in Sky, Earth and Sea.

By the treachery of men,
The ranks of the Elves floundered,
So that two days since it began,
Lost was the battle of Tears Unnumbered.

My personal thoughts are that they both need changing, they don't flow well....ANd I may have a use for some of those sentences elsewhere...We shall see....

I've never read the Simarillion (or however you spell it ) but I thought it was pretty cool. And I do have to agree, it does sound like the beginning of something. If you're thinking of doing a further piece for something like this, I'd keep this bit tucked away somewhere safe.

You know.....I might make it into a ballad....or I will make some kind of ballad even if this isnt in it.

It does sound like the start of something ... or a little poem at the beginning of a story. It's good, it doesn't sound forced or anything. Quite often rhymes don't work out so well, but this is good. It really sounds like the beginning of a long ballad type thing. I liked it!

[quote]Nah, I like it. I'm not one to write down long poems, or ballads.[/i]
Might be worth a try, if you decided to.

Exactly my thoughts! ^_^

i think it could work being short or long. but it would be interesting if you tried to
expand this and make the 'story' a bit more detailed, just to see if you can do that
so that it works. if it doesn't no worries, you're no worse off than when you started.
if it does then please post so we can give you lots of smilies!!! lol

Does it really? Well for one I did put it under Narrative because it does tell a story. It's talking about how the Noldorin elves (rather those who followed Feanor and Fingolfin) went from Aman, the blessed realm of the 'Gods', to Middle-Earth. Feanor bound his own bloodline by an oath, which he used to incite his people as well to march with him in the northern parts of Middle-Earth against Morgoth, the Dark Lord who stole the Silmarils, which were the Holy Jewels which captured the light of the Two Trees of Valinor, which were made by Feanor. And in the Silmarillion it says how in them(the Noldor) was a burning wrath towards Morgoth, and to all whom would lay their hands on the Silmarils but Feanor or his Sons. So they marched forward, and Mandos himself told their doom if they were to continue, and how all who came in conact with them would be bound to the fate of the jewels, and only Finarfin came back, but the others pressed on and so they were exiled from Aman, and denied return to that blessed realm until Earendil the Blessed should walk forth into Valmar of Many Bells, whence no mortal before or after has laid foot in, and ask for pardon. Its quick and clean as was said above, and tells quickly and smoothly in four lines who, why, and where. I could expand if that is thoust wishes?

I Ageree, it sounds like the start of somthing.. Possibly a story? Or another verse?

Nah, I like it. I'm not one to write down long poems, or ballads. But, then again, you give me inspiration to do so.

Very quick and clean but it seems a little incomplete. Perhaps you should build off of this.