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16+ Language Violence

Flames Of Vendetta Part 1

by BitterEntertainment


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Sometimes I like running. It makes me feel alive. Other times, when it’s combined with the feelings of grief and sadness, it can feel like you’re being stabbed seventeen times over.

Hold on.

Let’s rewind.

Okay, I’m sorry for all that suspense right there, but I’m just telling you what happened.

Moving on now.

My name is Kayden. I’m a pyrokinetic, and this story I’m about to tell you is the story of my revenge. And don’t go rambling about how I must be “immature” or “exaggerating.” Fourteen isn’t that young. I can promise you that every bit of this story is true. No matter how dark it may seem.

In the beginning, I lived in Zidia, the biggest anti-Enigma city in the Cartarinian Empire. People from cities like Macha and Asteizkoiza call the people who live there “Zidas'' because they act like they are their own country rather than a town with an astonishing population. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, I’ll continue the story.

The flames leapt hungrily out of my hand, devouring the pile of dry leaves we had just raked up in seconds.

Fuck.

I desperately tried to get it under control. When I finally had the fire back in my hand, the entire pile was gone.

But that wasn’t the only thing my parents saw.

“Kayden!” I whipped my head around to see my mother holding a kitchen knife and half a cucumber.

“Um- I was just-” I stuttered.

“When did this happen?” she gestured to the flame in my hand. I was about to answer, but she didn’t give me time. She dropped the cucumber on the ground- I know, right? Such a terrible waste of food- and grabbed me by the wrist, all while holding the knife to my throat. Not to be rude, Mother, but doesn’t the knife to the neck seem a little extreme for your daughter?

My mother and I continued walking through the house until she burst into the room where my father was reading.

“Did you know about this?” she demanded.

“Know about what?” Father replied, confused.

Mother turned toward me. “Do it again,” she ordered, knife poised. I obeyed and promptly sparked a flame in my hands.

Father narrowed his eyes and remarked, “Witchcraft!”

“This here girl ain’t a witch,” Mother snarled. “She’s an outcast. And you know what we do with outcasts, Ellis.” I didn’t dare to say that I preferred to be called an “Enigma” because who knows what would have happened?

“Yes. I do. Kayden,” he turned to face me, “If you want to live, get out of Zidia and never come back.” I nodded, trying hard not to cry. I went upstairs, got my favorite dark red and black messenger bag, and packed up everything I wanted to keep. I was sure to leave out anything my parents gave me. I instead put on the white cold-shoulder shirt I made not long ago, which wasn’t too bad, along with some red pants I bought from a traveling merchant.

When my bag was almost full, I looked around to see if I had left anything, and my eyes fell upon a small dagger. I had made the dagger back when I was first learning to use my powers. Back when Ash was still alive.

The blade wasn’t the sharpest, but I was sure I could sharpen it after I left. I took the dagger and its sheath, put it in my bag, and left the house- forever.

}(/\){

I ran as far as I could from Zidia. The farther I got from it, the denser the trees got. When I was certain that the trees would be trunk-to-trunk if I went any deeper into the woods, I decided to make camp in a small clearing.

What I did have: A dagger for hunting, a couple of days’ worth of food and water, and a bitchy firestarter (Ahem. Me.)

What I didn’t have: Control over said bitchy firestarter, a tent, or any survival skills at all

As you can see, I was not in the best position to survive. But I decided to deal with it. After all, I was only going to be here for a few days. Right?

I explored beyond my decided campsite and managed to find some branches to use for a shelter. As I was walking back, I saw a squirrel. Due to some unknown instinct, I dropped the branches and threw my dagger at it, pinning it against the tree before it could escape. My first catch! I thought proudly. Better to save my other food anyway.

When I got back to my campsite, I worked on building my shelter out of the branches I had collected. After many failed attempts to build a teepee, I came up with the idea to use strips of bark to bind the branches together and build a tent instead. I tried it, and it worked perfectly, but this was one of the only lucky things that happened in my fucked-up life.

Now I had the base for my tent, but it was still missing a cover. After gathering some dry leaves and sticking them on a long strip of bark, I tied the leafy bark strip to the bases that I had set into the ground. I groaned, even though it worked. This was going to take a while.


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11 Reviews

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Reviews: 11

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Sun Sep 29, 2024 6:06 am
JazzicusMaximus wrote a review...



Howdy! I'm Jazz and I'm here to review your chapter!

I Like Banana's Because They Have No Bones - First impressions


Oh wow! I am intrigued by what it means to be an outcast. Obviously not good, but why is the main character being an Enigma bad in this city?

Dead Puppies Aren't Much Fun - Suggestions I have


I feel like there could be more description in the scene with the parents. It feels like it's paced a little too fast. You have a few unnecessary commas here and there, but otherwise nothing else that I see to improve!

In the beginning, I lived in Zidia, the biggest anti-Enigma city in the Cartarinian Empire

For example here, the comma between "beginning" and "I" is unnecessary because the phrase "I lived in Zidia" is not an interrupter. It wouldn't make sense if you string the two clauses together without that sentence.

The Ravings of John McCullough - Things I loved


As I said in the beginning, I'm looking forward to knowing more about Enigmas! I also love your style of writing! This character seems like a legit 14 year old!

They're Coming To Take Me Away Ha-Haaa! - Finale


This was interesting and I will be looking forward to seeing where this goes if you choose to publish more!




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Sun Sep 08, 2024 12:31 am
Kaia wrote a review...



Hello! I have come to review this piece. I will be reviewing as I go. Let's get into it!

First impressions:
I have to say that opening line was really good, mostly because it instantly opened me to a question: why does this character like running? Is it because he is trying to run from something in particular...perhaps the past?

It makes me feel alive
This makes me think that the character may be trying to in a way run away from something in her present life that is bothering her and making her feel insignificant.

Hold on.

Let’s rewind.

Okay, I’m sorry for all that suspense right there, but I’m just telling you what happened.

Moving on now.


I actually really liked this commentary. It opened up to me the author who before was just a stranger, but now I feel as though the character is actually telling her story to me. Very nice touch of casual conversation to a narrative. It's very informal but personable.

(also, thank you for mentioning the character's name early in the beginning. I often get a bit frustrated when I don't know if the main character is a boy or a girl xD)

And don’t go rambling about how I must be “immature” or “exaggerating.”
Ooh some personality! I see the character is "young" but I guess I shouldn't use that word because the character doesn't like that. Huh. Well, she sounds a bit defiant, very typical to the teenage years. Well portrayed!

Before I continue, I'd like to compliment your amazing place names. The whole empire sounds very cool and realistic. I'm intrigued to learn more about these places and their ancient sounding names.

The flames leapt hungrily out of my hand, devouring the pile of dry leaves we had just raked up in seconds.

Now for a suggestion. I felt like the part I just quoted was *slightly* disconnected. Now I understand that you are breaking the story up with the background, but I feel like it would be a lot better if you connected it to the beginning part dealing with running. I'm a little lost as to how we switched from running to the main character creating flame (which, the flame was well explained in the background). Maybe try to transition those parts better?

Next suggestion: I felt like the whole narrative up to the point that the main character loses her home is a little bit rushed. I felt that I had just begun to understand the character when she's thrown out of the house. I didn't even get a chance to meet the parents before there was trouble. It leads me to more questions that I don't think are even relevant such as what type or relationship had the character had with her parents before this happened? And also...why was the character trying to create fire in a place that she could be seen? Perhaps change the setting slightly so the character is trying to burn leaves in her room or other setting that she could hide more easily?

Back when Ash was still alive.

The blade wasn’t the sharpest, but I was sure I could sharpen it after I left.
The nostalgia is built up well here. Right when things started to get a bit duller as the character is packing her things, we see this dagger and with it a new intriguing story.

I liked your descriptions of her clothing. Your detail that the character didn't want to take anything with her spoke about the character's defiance and desire for freedom which brings me to the next question. Did this character set the fire in the yard (or attempt to) to get her parent's attention so that she had an excuse to be banished from the house? Is this character perhaps one of those love to live on the edge type of people? Only continuing to read will tell me!

and a bitchy firestarter (Ahem. Me.)
I love this bit of humor. It's quite transparent that the character is not at all concerned about being in the woods on her own. She seems to be enjoying the adventure just for the sake of doing something quite daring.

Control over said bitchy firestarter, a tent, or any survival skills at all
Maybe end that with a period?

Due to some unknown instinct, I dropped the branches and threw my dagger at it, pinning it against the tree before it could escape.
Pretty good for having no survival skills. (which makes me wonder if that previous statement was false humility/sarcasm?) Oh, and she even makes a tent...hmmm...Great instincts perhaps? >.> And some more foreshadowing for future bad events I see...

This was going to take a while.
Another sentence that shows some character. She is impatient and daring. Great qualities for a main character.

Despite the slowish pace of the end, I really wasn't bored. The casual language and side comments from the character kept it interesting, so really good job with that. A lot of the time scenes with just one character in them can get sooo boring, but you maneuvered through that wonderfully!

One last suggestion: perhaps add a little more detail in the beginning of the narrative. I felt like I didn't even really understand the setting of the house where the character was living or what the parents were like or what the lawn looked like or the character herself. Sprinkling in a little description could help strengthen the emotions as well of the character leaving her home. Perhaps even describe a facial expression from Kayden? Adding more description to the conversation about what is going to happen to Kayden now could also break up the dialogue and even the pace out a bit.

Hope this helps!
-Kaia




BitterEntertainment says...


Hi Kaia!
Thank you so much for reviewing my work! I'm happy you enjoyed it!
If you scroll down to my reply to the review @khushi17bansal wrote, you'll see that I am already in the process of editing that beginning bit!
I really appreciate your review, and I hope you enjoy the future installments!
<3
BitterEntertainment



Kaia says...


You're so welcome. And wishing you all the best on the latest version <3



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Fri Sep 06, 2024 6:46 am
khushi17bansal wrote a review...



Image

Hello @BitterEntertainment Detective Ira here, I have apparently stumbled upon your manuscript while searching for clues in the Devil’s Library, which is where I believe the ancient magical book of Toramu is hidden. Since I’m already here, I shall give my opinion on this piece of yours.

Though I have to say it is very strange that I should find your writing here……. hmmm…..

What I can see


This first installment of yours is very interesting, I'm liking the vibes so far and the worldbuilding. This concept of 'Enigma' is very intriguing and I'm getting some arcane vibes here.

I feel like this might be be one of those revolution to save the oppressed, chosen one taken in and trained by cynical enigmatic wise old person goes on the save the world type of plots so I'm very interested to see where this goes. Kayden comes across as a sarcastic but very talented and gifted protagonist, who has the potential to change the world. I also really like the writing style here, it's very free and it really feels like we are hearing Kayden's thoughts itself.

Under the magnifying glass


One thing that I thought jarred here was the way the entire confrontation went with Kayden's parents. It just feels very cold and unemotional.

Firstly, I have a little trouble understanding why her parents didn't notice her powers before, especially considering that she seems to suffer from a lack of control and that this wasn't some really large incident that tipped them off. It was just a pile of leaves. Moreover there must have been plenty other opportunities for her to have lost control, maybe she got really emotional, or angry and upset lost control.

Second, Kayden seems to be an only child and the revelation that your child is an Enigma or different or has powers would really be a very emotionally fraught situation, particularly as they lived in an area where all this was severally looked down upon. There would be emotions of anger, denial, fear, frustration etc. But Kayden's parents exhibit none of these emotions and accept it and send their only daughter away with almost no emotion.

Kayden also doesn't seem particularly upset, or scarred or hurt. Moreover, Kayden's mother seems rather hostile and violent as she very promptly without any hesitation put a knife against her daughters neck and Kayden wasn't particularly surprised.

That's why I think that the entire interaction really jars and doesn't quite sit right. I would suggest adding some more detail in the story, maybe starting it from an earlier point in time and really laying out the family dynamic. Really just giving us a feel of what kind of family this is, as it is coming across as a cold, not very affectionate family. So, I think a few lines by Kayden saying something about how she wasn't upset to leave home as her parents never cared for her and were always busy with their own lives. Maybe they were poor and she was considered a burden or they prefered her siblings over her and considered her a problem or something like that.

Just a line or two that really clarifies what kind of family she had. Most people at a default think of a family as loving and caring so not laying out the family dynamics, especially when the family isn't caring, can lead to a little disparity in the reader's perception and the actual story. So, I would suggest adding some detail about the family dynamics.

Closing the case


Overall, I enjoyed reading first chapter of yours and am very interested to see where this goes. I'm looking forward to further installments! :D

It was lovely going through this manuscript of yours. Everything expressed was my opinion, feel free to accept or reject whatever you want.

If you have any clues relating to the book of Toramu or anything you want to clarify feel free to contact my alias, ahem, my dear friend @khushi17bansal.

Until next time!!

Image

“Detective work is a partnership between the detective and the deceased. One of you gets murdered in a very painful and undignified manner while the other one looks at stuff and starts guessing. Two very difficult and equally strenuous jobs indeed.”
—Chief Inspector Adam Dalgliesh, “Getting Murdered Sucks So Bad,” by P. D. James




BitterEntertainment says...


*** ATTENTION: THIS REPLY CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR LATER INSTALLMENTS! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK ***
Hi Detective Ira,
BitterEntertainment here! Thanks for reviewing! I'd be happy to explain some of the parts you thought were "cold:"
1: ***SPOILER ALERT***
Kayden is not, in fact, an only child. You'll learn this in later installments!
2: The scene where Kayden is forced out. The thing about this scene is that Kayden and her sibling grew up in a world where "Enigmas" were shunned.
***SPOILER ALERT***
Kayden's older sibling was an Enigma, and, well, they didn't want to leave their sister behind, or for their parents to hurt her. So he took the fall for her the last time they got caught, and things did NOT end well for them. The memory of her sibling **SPOILER ALERT*** dead causes her trauma, and this comes back to haunt her many times later in the story. After the "incident," she vowed to never use her powers again, but after two years of hiding them, it only becomes more tempting. I'll be sure to edit that bit and make that a little more clear! I appreciate the feedback!
3: When I first started writing this book a year ago, I did feel like the beginning moved too fast, but I couldn't figure out anything to put in to make it seem less rushed. Suggestions would be appreciated!
Thank you for my first review!
P.s. One of the characters that appears later on is also named Ira :)



khushi17bansal says...


Thanks for the clarifications!

I'll be sure to let Ira know she might encounter a character with the same name as her XD



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Thu Sep 05, 2024 8:50 pm
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BitterEntertainment says...



I commend you for reading this thank youuuu <3





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