Hello!
RandomTalks here with a short review!
I skimmed through the first chapter of your novel to get a proper idea about the story. So far, I really like the way you have been developing the characters and their stories. The main character's stream of thoughts is very clear and it helps us get a real sense of his personality. There was a lot of angst in his narration but I really like the moments where we get to see the soft and vulnerable side of him as well.
For example, there was a scene in the first chapter where he went to pick up his sister from school and she was enthusiastically recounting her day to him. In that moment, Alexis draws certain comparisons between the two of them and we can see his love and affection for his sister when he pats her head gently. Moments like these really humanizes your character and highlights the dynamics he shares with other people as well. I feel like you could focus on these side characters as well instead of just running with Alexis's thoughts and the events that involve the repeating characters of the story.
Your narration is mostly direct and easy to follow. However, it can feel a little monotonous at times especially because of the lack of space between Alexis's thoughts and observations. For example, here:
The hallways had white walls and white marble floors, the hallways were sparkling clean and smelled a bit like chemicals. The doors were wooden, big and dark brown. Every door had a doorbell with a camera.
I see that Mailice has already pointed this out, but it is a recurrent theme in your narration. This section mostly deals with some much necessary description, but the way you have written it, it feels a little bland and objective. The descriptions are a little repetitive, with some words like 'hallways' and 'doors' being used twice , sometimes in the same sentence. Here, you can go into the finer details of the descriptions and really play around with some adjectives to actually engage the reader's imagination. Otherwise, it makes for a rather still and plain picture that does not leave any significant impression on the readers.
I like the way you have been developing Nayomi's character and her relationship with Alexis as well. She is a strong and intriguing character that makes the readers want to know more about her. I liked the way you have established the different side of herself that she reveals to different people; however, I think you could have done it in a less obvious way. It was interesting to see Alexis connect the dots in his own words, but I think subtlety would have made this new development even more impactful. For example,
As if just talking about Nixon made her somehow uncomfortable.
I liked this sentence because it wasn't a direct physical observation that seemed to have been put there simply for our benefit. Rather it was an assumption that Alexis made almost hesitantly while observing her behaviorisms. It feels far more significant than the stream of conclusions Alexis draws in the next moment. You have probably heard of the expression, 'show, don't tell'. And here, I think it would have worked better if you had shown us the subtle signs of Nayomi living in an abusive environment, rather than having the main character tell us that her brother might be abusive.
I liked the way you had built it until this moment, especially the little details like her not wanting to call Alexis over when her brother was at home. These details might not be as obvious as the major character change she has around her brother, but they are far more profound in the way they give us an idea of the paranoia that she might be living with.
Mailice has already commented about the writing, so I am not going into that. I do think that you would benefit from spacing out the narration a little instead of just running with the MC's thoughts. You can include some descriptions or perhaps cover some scenes that are not directly related to the plot of the story but for helping us better understand the characters. Otherwise, it feels like every sentence of the story is there to move the plot along and it might not make the ride all that enjoyable or meaningful for the readers.
That's all!
I hope this review was somewhat helpful. And I hope that I get to read more chapters from you as well!
Keep writing and have a great day!
That's all!
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