Chapter 1
Alexis’s alarm went off at 6 in the morning but he was already awake staring at the ceiling, he turned his alarm off and looked next to him where his little sister was still sleeping. He got up from his bed and went to the living room, he saw his mother in the kitchen making breakfast.
“Alexis! Good morning! Would you like a chicken sandwich for lunch?” his mom asked, full of energy.
“Yea that’d be nice” he answered with a low voice.
He went to the bathroom and washed his face and looked at himself in the mirror. He really didn’t want to go to school but he had no choice. If he skipped school then his parents would be contacted by the school and he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to worry his parents, they already had a lot on their plate. His parents worked in a factory, his dad worked the morning shifts and his mom worked the afternoon shifts. Their economy was just enough to get by but never enough to just have fun, eat at a fancy restaurant once in a while or travel.
Alexis had promised himself to study hard and become someone so he could take his family on expensive trips and fancy restaurants, to buy them a big house and cars, to buy his sister whatever expensive dress she wanted, to repay his parents for all the sacrifices they made. But it was hard to focus on studying when a bunch of assholes are always on your ass and bully you for no reason. Alexis had just started his second year in highschool and it was crucial timing to focus on studying if he wanted to get into a good university.
He wasn't bullied in his first year, no one really saw him or cared about him so he never made any friends, but he was fine with it. Friends would distract him from studying. He was always on top of his class and even school. The teachers liked him and saw a bright future for him and when it came to his classmates they neither liked or disliked him. In the beginning of the first year some guys tried to hang out with him but backed away when they realized he was there just to study and not to hang out and make friends.
The bullying started when a new student transferred in the beginning of the second year. His name was Robert. He was one of those popular assholes that every girl had a crush on and all the boys wanted to be like. He sucked at studying and had really bad grades but was athletic so for some reason they balanced each other out. Alexis didn’t understand why the girls liked him, Rpbert never respected girls, always called them bitches and treated them like objects, like their only purpose was to pleasure him.
The friends that Robert made in school started picking on Alexis for some reason, even though Alexis never did anything to them.
At first they would throw trash, food, rober, anything they could find at alexis. Alexis wasn’t bothered though and that pissed them off even more. Then they started walking into him and pushing him with their shoulders in the hallways. Still Alexis wasn’t bothered.
Once one of the guys walked into him on purpose and tried to start a fight with him.
“Hey are you fucking blind?!”
“Sorry I didn't see you there” Alexis replied. He knew they were trying to make him angry and start a fight but he didn't bite their bait.
After the first exams of the year were over Robert went to him during lunch.
“Hey Alexis, I saw you got pretty good grades so I thought maybe you could tutor me a little” he said with a smile on his face.
“Sure, I'll see you at 6 pm today in the library” Alexis said and got up from his chair and left.
That afternoon Alexis went to the library only to find it completely empty.
“I knew it, fucking asshole” he mumbled to himself thinking robert wanted to just make a fool out of him. He turned around and was met by Robert and his friends that bullied him. Robert put his hand over Alexis's mouth and dragged him to the bathroom, it was late so there was barely anyone left in school. Robert’s friends then started beating Alexis, they punched him in the stomach and threw him on the ground and started kicking him. One of them was about to punch Alexis in the face.
“Woah careful there, we don’t wanna leave any visible marks” Robert said as he was holding his friend’s wrist.
That’s when Alexis realized that Robert was behind it all. He was the one that made the others bully alexis. Everything was his idea and he called all the shots, the others just followed him like fucking sheeps.
Robert then dragged Alexis by his hair and put his head in one of the toilets. He did that multiple times, until Alexis swallowed a bunch of toilet water.
“Why are you even doing this?” Alexis asked through coughing.
“Why? Cause your face just pisses me off “ Robert said with a smile on his face. He then left and friends followed after him like the sheeps they were.
“That’s it!” Alexis thought to himself, “cause he doesn’t like my face! They’re giving me shit just because of that! Not even because I'm smart or top of class, but because of my face!!! ” A sense of helplessness came over Alexis, he couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t tell anyone, he felt like he was all alone in the world and for the first time in his life he regretted not making any friends. He eventually came to the conclusion that he has to survive until he graduates, he couldn't wait for that day.
“Alexis, how long are you going to take? Your sister wants to use the bathroom” his mother’s voice snapped Alexis out of his thoughts.
“Sorry, got lost in my thoughts” he said as he came out of the bathroom.
“Can you take your sister to school today?” his mother asked
“Sure, but i won’t be able to get her after school, i finish late today”
“Oh that’s okay, your dad will get her from school”
An hour later alexis was waiting at the door
“Alexa hurry up, we're gonna be late!” Alexis shouted.
Alexa came running to the door and they started walking towards her school. Alexa was his little sister, she was 9 years old. She was the opposite of alexis. She was loud, extrovert, social, loved being with her friends and was already very popular in school.
“So how’s school going?” Alexis asked.
“Good! I have a lot of friends and I'm on top of my class” Alexa answered loudly and laughed.
“That's good. Keep studying hard” Alexis replied and patted Alexa's head.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,797 Reviews
Hey Bita, I hope you're having a good day!
Alright, this story is quite the rollercoaster. I don't mind the swearing or slightly more triggering scenes, but you should probably put a warning at the top, or add an appropriate rating; this topic is a little delicate, and definitely disturbing to some.
That said, on to specific feedback!
So here we have a slightly classic start to the story: a character wakes up! That's fine by me.
Both sentences in this paragraph are an example of what is known as a hanging sentence, also known as a dangling modifier; it's essentially a phrase where the subject is kinda ambiguous, and it can be misunderstood. It's also grammatically wrong. You have two separate sentences in each case, so instead of throwing in a comma, use a fullstop in both instances.
I get that this is dialogue, which is exempt from most rules, but spelling and punctuation still matter, so I'd make it "Yeah" with the H and add a comma right at the end.
I also think "with" can be replaced by "in," but that's a personal preference.
As for the rest of the story, it's pretty well written! There are some parts where you missed capitalising the first letter of nouns, or Is, but those are typos you can easily fix. I might be missing some specific bits of feedback, though, because it's hard to focus on the finer details of the writing when the topic is so disturbing.
I do think in this case you should try doing more showing than telling; the entire first half kind of became a rant from Alexis, which is fine by itself but not a strong way to start the story. We barely know enough about Alexis to fully sympathise with him, although of course we acknowledge that the bullying is disgusting.
Horisun also brought up a good point about Alexis' personality, but I personally think this could have been eased up a bit; maybe this chapter could have been devoted to building on Alexis, and then in the second chapter, when he's at school, we could see Robert and his horrible behaviour.
On the whole, a pretty good effort, and I look forward to seeing where this goes! I certainly hope Robert gets what's in store for him. >:(
Happy writing!
~Lee
Hello! Welcome to the Young Writers Society! I hope you're having a wonderful day
This is an excellent start to a story, with lots of pieces already set in motion. There's a lot of really cool things you could do with Alexis's character, and I look forward to seeing which avenue you take!
I'm also curious to see what you may do with Robert. I'm assuming he shall be the stories antagonist, but I'm certain there may be more to him than meets the eye.
I did feel as though this chapter could be ordered a tad better. This is my opinion, for the most part; but consider starting the story with Alexis being the quiet, studious kid, who flies under the radar. You would establish his primary objective, his character, and his family. He can also reflect on all the same things he does in paragraphs five and six.
Then, you would introduce Robert. (Remember to show us some of their interactions, rather than telling us about them, similar to how you do in paragraphs 11. It will make the reader feel for Alexis even more than they already do)
Side note, I got the impression from Alexis that he was a rather honor-bound guy. I figured that's why he would even consider tutoring Robert, despite the abuse he had endured. I think if you really committed to this in paragraph 14, it would make us hate Robert even more so, because he betrayed Alexis's relatively trusting nature.
Honestly, a lot of what you have here is excellent! I would just reorder some things here and there, and, (though it's extremely cliche advice) show more than you are telling.
I think you're really on to something, and I can't wait to read chapter two! Feel free to let me know when that's published!
Keep on writing, and have a great day!
Hi, Jinghang here!
I see you are a new member on this platform. I hope your experience will be pleasant.
The protagonist of the story, Alexis, is very interesting. At first, the part about Alexis not willing to go to school seemed confusing, but it made sense later. I thought it was interesting how Alexis seems extremely misogynistic, but cared about his mother and sister. I'm looking forward for that to be elaborated in future chapters. One thing I would suggest is to end the chapter with a "hook", which will make readers look forward to the next chapter.
Overall, this seems like a solid start to a great series, and I liked it.
thank you so much for the feedback, it means a lot!