It's clawing at me. Trying to escape. It wants freedom. But I can't let It out. If I do, well... that's when the voices will start. Angry, piercing voices. Screeches. Howls. If I let It out, I'll be locked up again. I can't be locked up, no, not again! Forced to sit, nothing to do. Rocking back and forth, in fetal on the floor. The ragged carpet burning me, leaving rashes on my side. Maybe if I would have kept the bed my prison would be bearable. But I didn't, and it isn't. So I can't let It get the better of me.
Unfortunately, I've been here for much too long. The calm around me, the ticking of the clock- I can't bear It anymore! It wants to get out! My ears are buzzing now. That's a sign... It want's It's way.
I've never had the greatest self control. When I got up, climbed over my mother's sleeping form, that was evident. Couch micro-fibre brushed against my clothes. The sound produced was too loud for my liking. The toes of my feet touched the carpet, and I gradually stood up. I made my move.
One step,
Two steps,
Thr-
The floor let out a long, drawn out groan beneath my weight. I cringed, stole a glance towards my mother's sleeping form. I can't believe I'm doing this.
Three steps...
Four steps...
Five steps...
Six steps.
The breath I didn't know I was holding was let out shakily. I had reached the kitchen, safely, and soundly. I knew I was going to get in trouble. She wouldn't want this. Mother doesn't like it when I do this. I made my way to the cupboard, opening it silently. I looked up at the top shelf, the shelf I aimed to reach. Maybe if I jumped...?
I did just that. I jumped, grabbing a hold of the top shelf of our brown cupboard. I grinned triumphantly, grunted, reached for one item on the shelf-
But then something cracked, the sound of splintering wood filled the quiet house. Scared. My stomach lurched and I felt scared as I fell, the shelf coming apart. The imbalance caused by my fall made the shelf go down with me, on top of me. My body lay under the rubble in a way I could feel the booming of feet hitting the floor. My mother must be up now. My fear from the fall became fear of her. I was going to be imprisoned for this, I just knew it. I couldn't block It out. I couldn't keep It reigned in. The broken wood shifted as I wormed my way out from beneath it. Humility pricked my skin with all the malevolence of a bully when I looked into my mother's worried eyes. My small body was studied. I assumed she was looking for signs of injury. I wasn't in pain, though. My body was numb. I had given in to It and now I was going to pay the price. Mother must have noticed my lack of pain. Her worried gaze turned into something more sinister, her eyes furious.
The voices were released.
Anger was laced in my mother's words as she screeched and howled at my quivering form. I couldn't understand a word she said. Her anger spoke for her. Strong hands clenched my shoulders, lifting me up. I was tossed towards the stairs. I was being sent to my prison. Inside of me, I could feel It laughing. It thought it was funny I had succumbed to It's will again. My mother was still screaming, telling me to hurry up and go to my room.
A choked sob escaped my throat. I was being quarantined again. All because I let my boredom get the better of me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! Nice job you've done here! This story played out really clearly in my mind, almost as if I myself was that character. I was actually holding my breath a little during the part where the main character sneaks away to do go to the kitchen!
One thing, though, stood out to me that could be improved. The sentence "Rocking back and forth, in fetal on the floor" was awkward to me. Fetal is an adjective, so that doesn't exactly work by itself . . . Instead you could put "in a fetal position on the floor."
But overall, great vocab and imagery. I enjoyed reading this story!
This is great! Keep up the good work!
This is a story full of suspense. You just want to read it. This would make a good suspense novel. It is fast and quick-paced.
Normally, you do not add unfinished sentences in books. But in suspenseful stories, like this, this is an exception.
This story teaches something. It teaches how boredom can really result in crazy things. So, as a tip:
Be busy: Play. Work. Study. Write (for someone like you and me).
Good luck and keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for reviewing! I feel quite confident in my writing now.
So the "it" he or she heard was a voice in his or her head. That's the first and biggest problem with your story, you didn't say if the main character is a boy or girl. As for the voices in their head, they are either schizophrenic, or a young child with an over active imagination. Although with the description for this and the story itself I imagine it's a true story about you. Perhaps you should say whether the character is a boy or girl, and elaborate on the voices in the characters head so the character doesn't sound like a unstable schizophrenic child. It would do a lot for your story. It was good, but could be a lot better still.
Also wanted to say welcome to YWS, since I saw its only your third day.
Ah thank you so much! I will definitely put some thought into that after a little while, so my mind can look at it from a new angle.
Thank you for the welcoming as well.
I'd like to ask you if my story seems to go by too quickly? I feel like it does, but I just want to make sure.
Depends, based on the description about what inspired it I assume it's real. Or at least based on your life. If so then no, if not then maybe. It's better to be short since its a short story. The only time a short story should be longer than your story is, is when it's a chapter based story.
So to answer your question, no I think it's fine how it is. Another reason besides your description that makes it seem like a real experience for you is that you didn't give the characters names. Keeping that out made the impression that this actually happened.
Depends, based on the description about what inspired it I assume it's real. Or at least based on your life. If so then no, if not then maybe. It's better to be short since its a short story. The only time a short story should be longer than your story is, is when it's a chapter based story.
So to answer your question, no I think it's fine how it is. Another reason besides your description that makes it seem like a real experience for you is that you didn't give the characters names. Keeping that out made the impression that this actually happened.
Alright, thanks. It isn't a real story, but it's based on events that have happened.
Alright, sorry for the double messages it's a glitch on the site.