I absolutely love scary stories. I've attempted a few in my writings, but I've never had a full out horror story. I hope this can pull out to be one. I think that I'm not going to be finished with this one piece. There will probably be five others like this (there are seven characters in all).
Anyway, I hope you guys like it!
_
Séance [Sé-ance] –noun
1. A meeting in which a spiritualist attempts to communicate with the spirits of the dead.
It was my fifteenth birthday, and my friend had given me a Ouija board. The board itself was unique: It opened up like a board game and had letters from A through Z strewn across it. The letters were green and large. There were the numbers one through nine below the letters, and each one of the numbers was colored a different color. On the top right corner of the cardboard game was the word “Yes”. Directly opposite from it was the word “No”.
I thought it was a dumb board game—the kind that Sam had always given me for my birthday. Hadn’t last year’s been Scrabble or something of the sort? I remembered trashing it the next day. I didn’t play board games and wondered why Sam gave me one every year.
There were seven of us at my birthday party. Lillian sat closest to myself, and Sam was on my other side. Steve was across from me and he was curling Jen’s long, brown hair. Roger was sitting on the right of Steve and the left of Sam. Brianne was sitting in-between Lillian and Jen.
In short: we were circled around the ominous looking board.
“How do we play?” Steve asked and combed his fingers through Jen’s hair. He looked at Sam, expecting an answer.
Sam replied: “Well, I dunno. Read the instructions. They’re in the box, aren’t they?” He looked at me, and I rolled my eyes. I reached into the box the Ouija board came with and pulled out a pamphlet of directions.
“I don’t want to read them,” I muttered and threw them to Roger. He smiled, glad to be included. Roger slid his glasses up his nose and read with a loud voice:
“The Ouija board is a medium used (if correctly) to converse with the departed spirits and souls.”
He stopped reading and his beady eyes flitted to Sam.
“Sam, what did you buy?”
Sam shrugged. “It seemed like a fun game. I dunno what it is. Just keep reading.”
“Did you understand what I just read?” he asked the group. I bit my lip and shook my head.
“The Ouija board is used to talk to dead people,” Roger stated plainly with raised eyebrows. “None of you find that a little bit creepy?”
I snorted. “So, Sam, I hear you brought me a telephone to talk to people in Hell.” Everyone in the group laughed, including Sam. I rolled my eyes. “Keep reading, Roger.”
Roger sighed and read, “The Ouija board is a medium used (if correctly) to converse with the departed souls and spirits. Please follow the instructions carefully.
“First, lay out the Ouija board as shown in Diagram One. Then place the white marker on the letter Q, making sure that the clear window allows the letter to show.”
“What marker…?” I dug inside of the box again and withdrew a white triangle. In the very middle was a clear plastic square. Without hesitation, I placed it on the letter Q. Roger’s eyes went back to the instructions.
“Second, have all members place all of their fingers on the marker. Be sure that it is completely quiet before the séance begins.”
“What does séance mean?” Brianne asked, tugging at her shirt. Her expression was hard and cold, like she wasn’t going to participate without a solid explanation of what she was doing.
“Uh,” Sam said, “it’s like a thing where you talk to ghosts and stuff.”
“Like this Ouija board?” she asked, her face scrunching up. Her blonde hair was thrown over her shoulders, revealing a surprising amount of chest.
“Um, no. The board is just a medium—or a way—to talk to the dead people. A séance is where we actually do the talking,” Sam explained. I nodded; it was beginning to make sense.
In a terrifying, morbid way.
“So,” Steve asked, “does this thing really work? Are we actually gonna talk to dead people?”
“I doubt it,” Roger muttered. “There’s no scientific evidence that could support that theory—”
“Oh, screw the science, Roger,” Lillian said and placed her arm on my shoulder. I smiled. “Who cares if it’s gonna work or not? Let’s just play the game!”
“It’s not a game, Lillian,” Roger said and looked back at the instructions. “No more interruptions this time, please.
“Be sure that it is completely quiet before the séance begins. Have a departed soul in mind before you begin asking questions.
“Third, use a candle for light. Lightness in a room will less likely attract spirits. One candle is all the light needed.
“Fourth, start the séance by asking, ‘Are there any spirits with us today who would like to converse?’. If there are available spirits, they will move the marker to the ‘Yes’ on the board.
“Fifth, begin gradually asking questions. The marker will move to each letter as the spirit directs it.
“Warning: this is not a toy, nor a game. Use with caution.”
Roger flipped over the page and then glanced up at me. “It goes on to explain the history of the board, but I don’t want to read it. Can we start? Or does anyone want to leave now?”
No one raised his or her hands.
“If you do, I’ll go with you,” he whispered. He looked around the group desperately. “Please?”
“Roger, tough it up,” Steve said. Then he looked at me. “Let’s start.”
“Well,” Jen said, “don’t we need the candle?”
“Oh yeah.” I nodded and stood up. “I think I have one in my room. Let me go check. Ah, and we also need someone dead. Like, you know, to think about. Think of one before I get back.”
I walked out of the living room that we were in. My house was dark and quiet. My parents were downstairs doing something, and my friends and I decided to stay upstairs. I headed towards my room and entered it.
It was nearly midnight. My alarm clock’s red digits were bright and bold. I flipped on the lights and grabbed my candle sitting on my desk. The wick was almost burned out, but it would do for another ten minutes.
“Matches,” I whispered. I ran past the living room, where my friends were, and slid on the kitchen floor with my socks. I opened a drawer and grabbed a box of matches.
When I came back to the living room, I asked, “Picked someone yet?” Lillian smiled and nodded.
“Yeah. My grandma,” Lillian stated. I bit my lip. I knew it was going to get a little awkward.
“Okay,” I said, holding out the latter part of the word. I quickly sat down next to Lillian. She smiled warmly and placed her hands on mine.
“Do you have the candle?” Jen asked. I nodded and sat it on the board in-between the ‘Yes’ and ‘No’. Then I whipped out the matches and struck one, igniting it. I lit the candle and blew out the flame on the match.
“Are we ready?” Brianne asked. She looked around the group. Roger was the one that shook his head.
“Nope. We have to turn out the lights. I’ll get it,” he whispered and jumped up. When he sat back down, the candle was the only light. Everyone’s face was covered in dancing shadows.
“Okay, so now we have to think about Lillian’s grandma,” Sam whispered.
“How are we supposed to think about her? We didn’t know her!” Steve said.
I glanced at Lillian and she said, “Well, I guess I can tell you a little bit about her. You know, just so you can get a better image of what she was like. Okay. Grandma was really old.” I snickered, and Lillian nudged me. “She was really old. She was getting close to her hundreds by the time she finally passed away.
“I had some memories with her. Every time I think about her, I get these chills. It’s difficult to explain. I just feel like she’s always with me. Everywhere I go and everything I do. I can feel her.”
“That’s kinda creepy,” Sam muttered and everyone laughed quietly.
“Shh,” I whispered and looked back at Lillian.
“There was this one time when I was making chocolate chip cookies. I was screwing up a lot. I didn’t measure anything correctly, but she never yelled at me once. I remember feeling so bad afterwards. I had ruined Grandma’s cookies. I don’t think I ever forgave myself.
“There was this other time before she died. She lived in this hospital place for old people. Grandma lived next to this really old man who had so many liver spots that it was all you could see. Anyway, Grandma used to visit the old man every day. They used to talk about lots of stuff. I remember her telling me all about her conversations. They were so sweet and tender that I just wanted to give her a hug. She was such a nice lady.
“The old man died shortly before she did.”
The candle flickered. Everyone’s eyes froze on the dancing light.
“Did you see that?” Sam whispered.
No one replied.
I gulped and bit my lip again. This wasn’t right. None of this was right. Talking to dead people? What was I thinking? I needed to toss this board game away just like I had done with all of the others.
I remained still.
“Um, anyway,” Lillian continued, but Roger interrupted.
“No, I think we know enough. Let’s just get this game over with. I’m getting the chill—”
The candle flickered again. My mouth hung open. I felt Lillian squeeze my hand. I squeezed back.
Jen was shivering and Brianne was motionless. Roger, Steve and Sam were all staring at the candle.
Nothing happened.
Roger shifted on the floor and picked up the instructions. I eyed him and shivered. I was getting cold in the dark.
“Um,” he whispered, “are there any spirits with us today who would like to converse?”
“Our hands,” Sam muttered. “Our hands have to be on the marker!” He quickly placed his hands on the white triangle and looked into Steve’s eyes. “Come on. Are we going to do this?”
Steve knew better than to chicken out. He slid his hands across the board and rested them on the marker. Jen followed suit.
Lillian nudged me as she laid her fingertips on the marker. I looked into Brianne’s eyes, and she nodded. Her hands were placed on the marker.
I was the only one left.
“Come on, Richard,” Sam urged. I bit my lip and twisted my finger, cracking it. Then I slowly put my hands on the white marker.
Roger tried again: “Are there any spirits with us today who would like to converse?”
We waited.
I bit my lip harder.
The candle flickered.
Lillian was shaking.
I was too.
I didn’t even feel the marker slowly glide across the board. I heard my friends gasp as it rested on one word:
Yes.
_
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140,911 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
Jare-bear!!!
Okay, so I've kinda been following this series since you started it, and it's kinda amazing. I don't have much experience in horror and was either too clogged down with requested critiques or too… 'emotionally distressed' (haha) to read this, so I only ever skimmed them – I never read them.
But I just read the fifth part, and you have a cutter in it. And that drove me crazy. 'Cause you've never done it, so you don't really get it. So there were a lot of things were I was just like 'eh… no.' But I had never read the first four thoroughly enough to give a real critique for part five, so I am going through them all to critique.
Right now I'm just pushing through these to get to part five. And remember that I'm really out of practice critique wise, and I'm sick, so it may not be the best. But I was a loser and looked ahead at the critiques you already have, and it looks like I'm gonna have fun doing this. XD
So! I have my review setting on, the font in my favorite style, my milky way hot chocolate by my side, and the radio on. It's show time. XD
Nit-Picks
Haha, awesome. xD
Well, I have the advantage of already knowing what is going to happen, so that's going to really help me write this critique. xD
So, this is going to be a horror, correct? Well, I don't watch many horror movies – too scary! – but all the ones I have watched started before this one.
They start when things are normal, so you can see the difference.
Okay, so back up a bit. Start with the kids hanging out, joking around – show how normal they can be, how at ease with each other they are. Show us who's dating, who is angry at another, who is the oldest. Whatever their relationship is, take this little bit of time to show it to us.
Then have them sit down. Have Sam give the MC the board, let them all lean forward to see it. Let the reader see it at the same time. This will turn the boring telling into showing, see? xD
Good paragraph, odd wording. Don’t try to sound smart or grammatical, Jare.
'I thought it was a dumb board game – the kind that Sam always gave me for my birthday. Wasn't last year Scrabble? I don't know, but I threw it out the next day. I don't play board games and have no idea why Sam continues to give me them every year.'
This is first person. Icaruss is the expert on natural voices, not me, but you need to make it a bit more natural. Read the two out loud – which are you more likely to actually say?
And you already told us that last year's was a board game, so the 'or something of the sort' was kind of repetitive. xD
Steal my name why doncha?
Anyways, this is… ergh. You're kinda weird about description, Jare. I don't know if you hate it or think you're bad at it or what, but you always rush through it like this. You think 'oh, if I just spit all the description out in the first few paragraphs I won't have to worry about it again!' But no – that's what makes your writing awful. You're an amazing writer, Jare, and when you do the description right it's wonderful. But you still don't do the description right by habit – you just tell us what we're supposed to see.
So, how do you fix this? Well, I'd love it if you listened to my original suggestion – starting sooner and letting us see them sitting down, rather than just telling us they are seated. But if you want to ignore that suggestion, you can always just ditch this paragraph.
We don't know these names yet. Do you honestly think any reader's gonna remember all that? No. We're not the brightest, and this is a fiction story – we're reading fast. In textbooks we'll slow down enough to learn the names, but if we read yours like a textbook we wouldn't get past the first paragraph. Why do you think kids hate school so much? XD
And! Hair. Please ditch it? Pleeeeease? I do not care what she looks like. The only time I would ever care that it was long and brown would be if it got caught on something and ripped out, so it was short and bloody. (Hey, it could happen – it's a horror story! XD) Just don't give us many descriptions – only ones that progress the plot.
Eh, I suppose it works, but I'm not the biggest fan of the 'in short,' and especially not the colon after.
Make the bold either 'asked, combing his fingers…' or 'asked, and combed his fingers…' And I get that you're trying to show that they're in a relationship, but… I don't like it yet. Again, I have to go back to you showing us them earlier – this just feels weird. I have no idea who they are, so it feels like you're forcing them to be together, not just letting it happen naturally.
He is included – he's at the party. If they didn't like him he wouldn't be invited to something where he obviously couldn't invite too many people. Don't go with stereotypes, Jare.
Eh, it's not that hard to figure out. The biting of the lip sounded fake, and him not knowing sounded like he was a little kid. He'd know.
I'd say 'stated plainly. He raised his eyebrows. "None…' The way you have it sounds like they were raised with the first sentence, but why would he raise them then?
Nice, just a slightly odd transititon. Read it out loud – just the dialogue, and act out the actions. Does it sound normal? Not to me. Maybe add a pause in between, and have the MC – we still don't know his name, by the way – say this to break the ice?
A little contradictory there. She tugged at her shirt – nervous – but then her expression was hard and cold – determined?
I don't like the break in there – it feels unnatural.
How stupid is she? The question's fine, but her face scrunching up? Come on – make them somewhat bright. Don’t be so stereotypical.
Dude! They're not that stupid. Come on - give them some credit. This is just... grr.
Great line, but why are they so freaked out? People either believe that it'll work and like, admire it, or they are skeptical. Once they start getting weird answers they may freak out, but that's it. Here it's like 'and why are they being such scaredy-cats?' xD
Why'd she randomly do that? We have no reasoning to believe that she likes him, and it's… random.
That sounds odd. Like, they're already afraid, and it's just a stupid game. It feels weird. I'd make it so they're just relaxed, having fun, and when it goes to 'yes' at the end of the story they can begin to freak out. For now, slowly build the tension as they turn off the lights and such.
Also, him saying 'can we start?' sounds too eager.
Dude, it's not even dark yet. Stop making them seem so wimpy. It feels fake.
Don't repeat 'my'. Also, I see that someone else said you messed up on the layout of the house? Try drawing a rough sketch, that way you won't screw it up.
And make this more interesting. Let us be walking with him – let us hear his quiet steps when he's near the stairs, the sense of foreboding when he goes to his parent's room. (I know it's in his room, but who keeps a candle? And it was the only other example I could come up with, haha.)
What kid has a candle in their room, beside zen-sy people?
Sounds like the first floor, but you told us they were on the second. (I don't think there's a single house with a real kitchen on the second floor? Obviously apartment buildings do, but not one-family houses.)
Also, stop saying 'whispered'. You're killing the word, and now it won't be as effective when you get to the 'ooers this is creepy!' section.
You're not showing! *Stabs*
Why will it be awkward? (You never tell us, so you can't just say 'wait and see.' You need to explain it sometime, and don't leave us in this much confusion until the next chapter - it sounds like you just screwed up.) And don't say 'Lillian stated.' We know she's talking because of the last paragraph.
Holding out the what?
Whipped it out? Eh... okay... odd much? Haha. Whipping something out is like, acting like 'look at me, aren't I cool?' You're telling us they're scared, not arrogant.
Hospital place for old people should be reworded. Maybe 'some nursery home'?
Why are they so freaked out? They were thinking of good memories, and that could have been caused by movement or breath. Not scary.
The short sentences here are really annoying. Stop rushing!
Seven hands on one tiny marker? Eh... okay? And show us what it feels like to do this. The heat of the other hands, the foreboding feeling, whatever.
That was really weak, Jare. Don't use so many in a row – it kills the effect. It could be awesome, just use the ones that are important, that'll really strike us.
The 'gasp' killed it. I'd rather it stay silent or something. It just… eh, it doesn't seem to fit the mood.
Nice ending. XD
Overall Comments
Do you get how much fun it is to critique your stuff? XD
Atmosphere
I say this stuff every time, don't I? XD
Anyways, atmosphere! The whole lighting/temperature/indoors-outdoors/occupancy thing. You know, the major things you notice when you first walk into a room. Yeah – you need some.
You're writing a horror. You need to use sensory details to get us scared, 'cause right now I'm just skeptical.
When he enters the halls, let us hear the lone TV going downstairs. That feeling is creepy – a little glow in an otherwise dark house. Let him creep through the halls, listening to some fast-paced advertising guy talking. Let us get the creeps. XD
And you know how it feels when you're in a circle and it's dark, and you feel like there are things all around you? And you just huddle closer, afraid to look over your shoulder? Add some of that.
Make it cold! Let us get goose bumps from the cold – show us the characters huddling together more. When people rely on each other so much, it also shows that something's up. Do you normally hold your friends arm? No. If there's a scary scene in a movie, will you grab it? Probably.
Just… make us feel like we're there more. When it's not dialogue, you tend to slip into a telling mode. You need to show us what's happening, make us feel like we're there.
Characters
They're very 2-D. Like, I don’t know them – none stick out at all. I couldn't even tell you their names.
That ties in with what I was saying about the starting sooner thing. Let us get to know the characters before anything creepy happens – maybe even when there are only a few at the party, then slowly add more. (It'll let us learn names easier.) Get to know their voice, how they act, all that stuff – make them distinct.
Also, they're too stereotypical. Stupid people aren't completely stupid, smart people are nerds. Don't overdo it.
(By the way, I see Alianna was saying that Ouija boards are illegal there and all? Well, you'd know this, but here they're no big deal. Like, kids get them all the time. And everyone knows how to work them. You kinda mixed two worlds – buying it in the US, playing it elsewhere. Keep it consistent! Common or not. XD)
Eh… sorry for the lame critique. I are sick. xD
PM me for anything! I know I make no sense when sick. xD
~JFW1415
Well, it took a while, but I'm here now and ready to critique. I only skimmed the other critiques, so forgive me if I repeat anything.
--
This is the first thing that really stood out to me. If this character is fifteen, I have trouble believing they would say 'birthday party'. It just doesn't sound right. Maybe change it to just 'party'.
I think it would make more sense if she said, "What's a seance?"
Having these two lines separated feel really weird to me. I'd put them together, maybe separated with a semi-colon.
I don't understand.Why would it get awkward?
Why does this shock them so much? I'm assuming by flickered, you mean it moved a bit. Flames do that all the time, would would it surprise them? Or is it just a feeling in the room, and anything startles them?
I think you should mention his name earlier, because I was confused when I first read that.
Hmm... well first of all I thought this piece wa quite good, but I don't believe in any of this stuff, so I can't say I'm a huge fan f the plot. I more liked your characters and how they interacted with each other and reacted to the board.
I think you've got something good happening here, and I'll keep critiquing because you asked me too, but normally I probably wouldn't, not because of your writing, just because I don't like this type of stuff.
You've created interesting characters and I wish yo good luck with this series!
choco.
PS- I'll get onto the second part later today.
Okay, everyone's covered the nitpicks so I'll give my opinions.
then you should give her more fleshing out rather than the simple gesture she did. Jen seemed pretty good, but I was confused about the hair showing the chest. Do you mean the blouse was low-cut or what?
CHARACTERS
You did a good job fleshing out the characters and everything. But if Lillian is the one to start all the "fun"
PLOT
Very simple, and it's been done before. With the EXACT same title, written by Heather Graham. I found myself thinking of that book as I was reading this. Still a good idea--don't be discouraged.
I enjoyed reading the story, BBB. Quite a bit. It's good how you took the time to build the suspense, transforming a birthday party into a séance slowly and deliberately. The dialogue all seems mostly realistic, except one line that jumped out at me:
.
"“I doubt it,” Roger muttered. “There’s no scientific evidence that could support that theory—”
Although, maybe that's part of his characterization as an outsider who wants to be included. If that's the case, maybe you could consider giving him a little more pedantic, geeky dialogue. Maybe have him give a textbook definition of séance
All in all, very good job.
All right. Review time.
This was really good. I am honestly going to read the second and third one right after this. You got me hooked. You did awesome with adding just the right amount of details. I liked when you said that Richard slid into the kitchen with his socks, and how he bit his lip, cracked his finger, and put his hands on the marker.
Details were the best part of this, but your character development is going well, too. Keep going! Awesome job!
Expect reviews from me for your other pieces, too.
Those two adjectives can be shoved into the previous sentence without much trouble.
Hm, seems pretty complicated...
What!? Why didn't you just tell me that in the first place? I'm not sure I needed to know the exact placement of everyone in the circle. Remember, a fast-paced story based on suspense needs as little fat as possible -- keep it lean by cutting out details that are told in a boring way or are irrelevant.
If he walked out of the room, it's assumed that's where he was.
Put the period within the quotation marks. Same thing with the "'No'." and any other instances.
Why does he have a candle in his room?
I'm not sure a group of teenagers would take an Ouija board quite as seriously as yours have. I'd think there'd be a lot more skepticism and laughing.
Tight, quick, fast-paced without skimping on atmospheric details. Good start.
Prokaryote
Hello there... I've seen this around many times but was always doing something else at that moment and so couldn't be spared, then I would forget. But now, I have made time just for you.
Ooh, creepy. I'm Catholic, and, yeah, we think that this stuff is actually real (you are communing with some kind of spirit in the Ouija - maybe not the one you intended and pretty likely evil ones - but still), so it's pretty scary stuff.
I liked how the teens are blowing it off pretty much at the beginning, but they are sort of giving into the peer pressure and then, as the story progresses, they are really beginning to freak themselves out. It's real behavior and you captured it perfectly.
My only critique on that aspect would be that the characters all seem to run into one another. There are seven and none of them really get much of a moment in the spotlight. The only kid who I really remember is Roger and only because he had the sorta cliche "scientific" nerdy kid objection to the whole thing. I don't even remember much about the MC, even though he was the viewpoint character. I know that he didn't like boardgames and that was about it.
Very nice stuff. I'm off to read the sequel.
*thumbs up*
~GryphonFledgling
Hey, Jared! I noticed your story "The Ouija Board" as the Random Literature Piece and got interested by the title. Then I was doing something else, and forgot the title, but remembered it was catchy, so I went to your portfolio to check it out, and in there it said I should read this one first, so that's what I did.
*stops to take breath*
I believe you should start a new line for the dialogue.
The MC seems to bit his lip pretty often, huh? I hope it doesn't hurt him!
This was very interesting. I hardly have anything to critique. In a way, I'm a little jealous to you! I mean, you're a year younger than me and still you have written so much and so well! You totally deserved to become an Instructor! Keep doing that!
I'll definitely go read the sequel.
Demeter xxx
I don't think the characters make sense unless you are going for unimaginative and cliche. Apparently, they are all pretty stupid, except Roger, a nerd with glasses, so why would Roger hang out with them, even if they are nice people? All the characters do sort of blend together, other than Roger, it is distracting from any scare that might be there.
Right, I'm here and ready to get cracking.
First off, I did like this. I was a bit sceptical when I saw that it was meant to be a horror of sorts, but you pulled it off. Well done.
Idea = great. Thing is, I know a little about Ouija boards and I'm pretty sure you can't just walk into a shop and get one. Over here I think it's either illegal or severely frowned upon to sell them (this was after the '70's, when a lot of murders etc were blamed on the use of Ouija boards which supposedly told the murderers to go out and kill certain people.). However, at no point do we know when your story is set or where even. I presume that it is America. What I would suggest is that you do some research. By finding out all the background info on not just Ouija boards but also seances and paranormal happenings, you may get a better insight on how to make your story more real. The more real to life a horror story is, the more terrifying it becomes.
I'm not too sure about this paragraph. It's a tad too much telling rather than showing and although it does work it drags the beginning down slightly. Perhaps try incorporating this in another way, cutting it down to only two or three lines?
This is a good chance to expand on the reasoning behind the board or how he came to get it. Perhaps put in where he got it from (a yard sale, an actual shop, the internet) and maybe even have him comment on the fact that Richard threw his last gift away - perhaps say it looks more interesting than the Scrabble.
Roger almost completely contradicts himself here. He says 'Can we start' which sounds eager. Then, he goes on to say he wouldn't mind leaving. Perhaps have someone else ask to start and then have him say 'does anyone want to leave?'.
AND
The layout of the house confuses me. They're upstairs, but the kitchen and living room are up there along with his bedroom? This needs sorting out. You could always say that they're in the 'play room' or something (which could set the scene even better as there might be a rocking chair in there with teddies and dolls etc) and have Richard run downstairs to the kitchen, with the excuse that the parents are watching TV in the living room, all the doors closed.
This makes Lillian seem much younger than 15. Perhaps say 'Old people's home' or 'hospice'.
Very good.
Overall
I think this is going somewhere and I liked the plot a lot. Your characters could do with a bit more detail - we know a little about Brianna's hair but the rest are just blank faces mostly. Your suspense was good at the end and you could have benefited by putting in a little more of it at the beginning. I only started to read this as a horror about halfway through so you may want to set the scene a bit more.
Other than a few nit-picks this is shaping up very nicely.
All the best and don't stop writing,
Alainna
xxx
Hey there, Teddy
omg I sound like a creep haha !
I enjoyed the story, it was really cool! I really liked the topic, with the Ouija board and the mystery. It was awesome.
I hope my review helps, and don't hesitate to PM me if you want to know anything more about Ouija boards or Wicca, and all that, because I used to be quite involved in all that stuff when I was younger. It faded, for the most part, but a part of me still believes that we're not alone in this world
I'm off to read part 2 now, as I promised in chat XD
XxxDo
Hey BBB!!! How's life? My, we haven't talked in ages.
Well anyways...Wow. I can't believe I haven't read this before, this was amazing. I was really hooked from beginning to end. Your MC is believable, which is important in a story like this. Usually, writers tend to make the characters extremely err overly brave and here that is not the point...which is good. I'm looking forward to reading this series and hopefully I'll get to read your next installment soon.
Good Job and Keep writing,
Angel
Ooh. Very nice. You have me hooked, my friend!
I really enjoyed this. It was very Jared-esque. Simple in its delivery, but powerful nonetheless. Tight, taut, multi-layered, true to life. You really have to continue with this, Jared. I don't want it to become like three-quarters of everything else that's in your portfolio. This has some real potential.
There was only one thing in particular I found wrong with the plot. Ouiji boards are generally recognized - at least in religious circles - as a tool of the devil. Something that is more or less possessed by an evil spirit. I think that having one of the characters, possibly one of the girls, showing intense fear of the Ouiji board would add another dimension to your story, making it scarier and more realistic. Maybe have her start spouting a bunch of bible quotes and fire and brimstone. Really, just have her start freaking out. And seeing as everyone at the party all teenagers, her friends will no doubt press her into calming down and playing along through the delightful medium of peer pressure. Just a suggestion, though I do think the story would benefit immensly from such an addition.
A grammar note: 'Myself' should be 'me'.
You could easily cut this paragraph and just say that they were sitting in a circle like you did immediately afterwards. To begin with, this description is long-winded, empty, and somewhat confusing. Even though this story is already nice and lean, consider cutting this out and introducing the character's names another way.
A good line. But it could be made better. Consider, "So, Sam, [s]I hear[/s] apparently you brought me a telephone to talk to people in Hell." Sounds a little better, no?
Anyway, I'm looking forward to part 2!
-Kylan
Thank you all so much for your help! This is all edited and pretty good so far. Again, thanks.
I believe the sequel will be named The Ouija Board.
-Jared
I must agree with you that I love scary stories too. But horror movies...I'm still if-y on
But I thought yours was good. I think you could have made it even scarier, if you wanted. Like have her grandma appear or speak through Lillian or something.
I think you could have had a little more description. All this friends all seemed the same except Roger. Otherwise, they all sorted of blended together. You need to make each of them unique in some way.
Otherwise, I think you have a solid story here.
I would love to read more!
This was great, with lots of suspense at the end! It left me wanting more, much more!
A few things:
Should be 'given me a Ouija Board'.
This was a bit too know-it-all informative for my liking. Also, the paragraph before it was a bit tedious to read. Maybe cut it down a bit, or spread the description of where every one was sitting throughout the story.
No one raised their hands would fit better.
This confused me. The living room and kitchen were upstairs? If so, this should be made clearer. Because I presumed they would be downstairs, at least the kitchen, and this just confused me.
This is an awkward sentence. It may be better as "Everyone's face was dancing with shadows." or something similar.
In my opinion, this may be better as "I glanced at Lillian, who said,"
Almost dead? It just sounds weird. Perhaps make it "when she was dying." or "just before she died." Almost died just sounds odd.
Consider changing. You've had the light dancing before.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this.
3B! It makes me happy you posted in my review thread 'cause I was going to read this anyway.
I just enjoy your writing that much. *stretches arms out* Thaaat much.
Ay-ney-way!
Grammar and First Impressions
I don't know if you do this as a part of your writing or just for YWS' sake, but I really like it.
Though Ouija starts with an O, it makes a W sound. Seeing as W is a consonant, the article should reflect off the W -- not the O -- and make the word a.
I never correct colons like this! I'm so happy right now!
Okay, so the colon can be used in front of summary sentences (just as you have done here), but the summary sentence [the underlined sentence] is a sentence and, therefore, the first letter is capitalized.
Oh, that made me happy! ^_^
This just makes life easy for me!
The first sentence uses one of the FANBOYS [and in this case], and there is an independent clause on each side of the and. This means that it gets a comma in front of it. ^^
The second sentence also uses one of the FANBOYS [and in this case], and there is a dependent clause on the second side of the and; there fore, there is no comma with the and.
You probably already knew this, but I like to explain myself a lot.
This quote is just here to bookmark my suggestion, but I was wondering about what he was reading. Since he's not reading it himself (He's reading something someone else wrote, yes?), should there be single quotes around the directions he's reading? As well as the quotation marks of course. "'First, lay out...the letter to show.'" It looks crazy, but I think it should do that. It's kind of like citing your sources.
Nor is a FANBOYS! A game is not an independent clause, and therefore, there is no comma needed.
I think you know this rule already. If the sentence is continued after the tag, then the word is lowercased [like I just did]. If it's a new sentence, then it should be capitalized, but there should be a period after the tag as well.
I think that's just unnecessary filler. The alarm clock's digits should always be lit up, even in the daytime.
This is an unnecessary comma. ^^ If you take out the comma, it still means the same thing, so why is it there?
Another tag issue. I've pointed out the rule already, so it's up to you. Are the phrases connected? Or separate sentences?
There are independent clauses on either side of the FANBOYS, so a comma is needed. ^_^
Characters
You did well with the characters! I hardly have any complaints! Your dialogue made them so realistic as well as their actions. I couldn't help but connect with them. I felt like one of them 'cause I'm a teenager too. I'd be like, Yeah, we'd do that! Lol!
There were a couple characters you did well characterizing in just a sentence or two I wanted to point out:
Oh em gee, this was amazing characterization for Roger! It's just perfect! I loved it, and it made me laugh. I'm such a bad person [hence the laugh], but I really loved it.
This was good for Brianne too.
Brianne and Jen just seemed kind of there. Jen seemed like Steve's girlfriend, so maybe that's why she was there? Or maybe she was friends with the MC, she just didn't play much of a role here? I think a little more of her would be good. Brianne had just enough for us to know what she's like. Jen's just kind of sitting there.
Sam and the MC were funny, lol. They both are kind of jokesters, so the little puns and funnies they through out there made even me, the reader, laugh.
Lillian seemed to be there to recommend a dead person and for the MC. She didn't play much of a role till they needed a dead person, and then she opened up by telling a story about her and her grandma.
This was her only part till she thought of Grandma. I know you have a lot of people around the table, and they have to take turns, but I think just a little characterization like the placed her arm on my shoulder can do some for her. ^^
I think Roger was my favorite, though. He was a geeky science dude. He made me giggle.
Overall, your characters were awesome. Hardly any complaints from me!
Plot
It just kept going, and it kept me hooked. It was amazing. I didn't know how it would end, and really, none of us do. That lovely cliffhanger at the end was all that was needed for Jabber to get those goosebumps. Very, very nice! I don't think anymore is needed. You ended it just perfectly, leaving the reader's mind to wander as to what may have happened next.
Overall
So there's a series of these? And this is freaking amazing? The rest must be, like, ultra-amazing then! You just got me excited. Is this how you feel about my Shocks? Nah... That's nothing near as fantastic as this! You keep writing, and I'll keep reading.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Yay! I actually finished reading a long story. Usually my ADD prevents that. Anyway, is there more to this? Because I would like to read. I like how you picked something interesting to talk about. I think you should tell us what happended next though.