z

Young Writers Society



The Apparition

by BigBadBear


Because of all of the persistent bugging in writing this, I finally decided to do it, and here it is! Thanks for everyone who has critiqued the last three parts. You've been a tremendous help. This is part 4/7 of the Séance Series. I hope you enjoy it.

EDIT: I have changed the title to The Apparition, because I felt like it.

-

Apparition [Ap - par - ition] noun

1. a supernatural appearance of a person or thing, esp. a ghost; a specter or phantom; wraith

The scratches on my back ebbed into scars, and the pain fell away. The pain from the memories of the séances, though, never fell away. It was etched into minds. The feelings that I felt as we sat, hand in hand, around the Ouija board were unlike anything I had ever experienced. It was like a butcher knife cutting through your flesh, grinding through your bones. The feeling was indisputable.

It was evil.

After the séance was over, Richard chucked the board into a garbage can, and we never saw it again. Lillian’s parents never found out that she had participated in another séance. Steve and Jen slowly began drifting from our group. Brianne broke up with her boyfriend. We all began to break down into uncontrollable fright.

Every night, I sensed something in the dark. I quivered and shifted in my bed, squeezing my eyes shut. Everything was freezing. I was trembling, but it wasn’t from the cold.

I wasn’t the only one that was experiencing difficulties. Lillian called me in the middle of the night, and I could sense that something was wrong. There was an edge in her voice that wasn’t there before.

“Roger?”

“Yeah?”

“I—I don’t know what to do. I can’t call Richard. I can’t let him know that—that—” She broke down into an uncontrollable amount of sobbing. My heart began to ice over, and I clutched my pillow tightly.

“What’s wrong?”

There was a long, almost deafening, silence. I could hear her breath faintly over the static of the phone line.

“Lillian?” I repeated.

“Roger, can you swear that you’ll never tell this to anyone? Please? I need to know that I can trust you. Please. Just let me trust you. I can’t keep it a secret anymore. I’m too scared. Too… too scared,” Lillian muttered quietly. I pressed the phone to my ear, my eyes widening.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Swear to me!” she moaned, and I nodded.

“I swear, I swear! Now tell me what’s wrong!”

Another deafening silence. I heard her gulp on the other end of the line.

“I stole the Ouija board that we used a few nights ago. I didn’t plan on using it a lot—”

I cut her off: “What? Lillian! Your parents made you swear—”

“I know! I know, and that’s why I’m so stupid. It was so unlike me to do that, and now… Roger, I just wanted to talk to Grandma… that’s all. I swear.” Her words began slurring together in a fit of sobbing.

“Lillian,” I whispered. I didn’t know what to say.

“Grandma has been telling me a lot of things that I wish weren’t true. But they are.”

“Lillian,” I whispered, “What?” I was speechless.

“She—crap! Mom’s coming. I got to go. Can I meet you somewhere tomorrow?” Lillian whispered, urgently.

“Uh… where?”

“The park. By the cemetery. Please meet me there. I need to show you something. Noon. By—” Her farewell was cut off by her hanging up. The phone buzzed in my ear for another couple of seconds, and I pressed ‘End’.

I couldn’t sleep that night.

-

I glanced at my watch the next day. 11:47. I quickly hastened my step past the cemetery. The tombstones and graves seemed to watch me as I nervously walked past them. A cold sweat broke on my brow, though it was over a hundred degrees outside. Unsettling feelings erupted inside me, and I broke into a run. I could sense things watching me from the cemetery. The hair stood erect on my neck and arms. Once I reached the city park’s boundaries, I slowed to a walk. Looking for Lillian, I entered the grassy park.

The tombstones glared at me, but I ignored them as my eyes feverishly swept the park. Where was she? I checked the time again. 11:50.

I chose a large rock and settled on it, my back facing the cemetery. I began thinking about Lillian, and the first time that I had met her.

-

It was at the school lunch time. I was a sophomore and new to the school, having recently moved from Wisconsin. I sat alone at the lunch table, avoiding others' eyes. Instead, I concentrated on the novel I was reading, occasionally taking a bite.

A group of friends sat a table away from me. They were busily chatting amongst themselves. There were three guys and three girls. There was only one cute girl, though.

She caught me looking at her, and my eyes dodged to my plate. My face began to redden. After a minute or so, she stood up from her table and slowly made her way to mine. I bit my lip.

“Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” I whispered, not looking her in the eye.

“Aren’t you that new kid in English?”

“I don’t know. I have third hour English…” my voice trailed off, and I shut my novel.

“Yeah. Me too.”

There was a terribly awkward silence. Everyone at the table next to me was staring at us silently.

“Do you want to sit with us? Unless you’re saving a seat for someone, of course,” the girl spoke, and I shook my head.

“Okay. You can sit there if you want,” she said, pointing to the spot next to her. Again, without looking into her eyes, I grabbed my plate and walked over to the other lunch table. Everyone stared at me.

I sat down. That was the first time I had ever had friends. Real friends that I could trust. Friends that could count on me, and I could count on them.

-

It was 12:13, and Lillian hadn’t shown up. I began to lose my hopes that she would arrive. Reaching into my pocket, I grabbed my cell phone.

I dialed her cell number. It rang once.

“Roger?” she asked.

“Yeah, it’s me. Where are you?”

“I’m at the cemetery, waiting for you.”

My gut churned as I slowly turned around. I could see her crouching over a grave.

“You said meet at the park,” I said.

“Yeah, I know. But can you come here? I need to tell you something.”

“Um… sure. But why do we have to go in there? I had a horrible feeling when I passed that place as I came here,” I hesitantly spoke.

“Please? Just come here. I have to show you something.” Her voice had a hint of urgency, and I agreed. I ended the conversation and began walking towards the cemetery.

The tombstones were still glaring at me.

As I neared her, she smiled and waved her arm. I waved back and hastened to her. As I approached her, I could tell that something was wrong with her appearance. Her face was deathly pale, and her eyes had sunk. Dark bags loomed under them. Her hair was frayed and wispy.

“Hi,” she said. “Thanks for coming. I really needed to talk to you.”

“It’s not a problem. What’s wrong?”

“Well, I told you what’s been going on last night, with the Ouija board and stuff.” I nodded and bit my lip, holding back any accusations.

“This,” Lillian said, pointing to a grave near her, “is my Grandma’s grave. This is where I’ve been doing the séances. I feel that if I’m near her, then she’ll be able to answer me better. If that makes sense.”

I nodded, raising my eyebrow.

“Lillian, why are you doing this? Your parents would kill you if they found out that you’ve been doing more séances,” I asked, folding my arms across my chest.

“I’m doing it because I want answers. I want answer to life. I want to know if there’s really a God. I want to know what’s it like in Heaven. I want to get that dizzy thrill when I’m talking to a spirit. That’s why I’m doing this,” Lillian replied, her voice darkening.

We stared at each other for a moment. I couldn’t find any words.

“What do you need to tell me?” I asked warily.

Lillian was silent. She was thinking.

“Something has been hurting me. It’s not going to stop, either. I asked Grandma what it was, and she said it was one of the devil’s angels. I’m scared, Roger. I really am.

“Grandma said that once angels like that start, they won’t stop. They’ll haunt me until—until—”

“Until you’re dead?” I asked, fear washing throughout my body. Lillian slowly nodded, and I could see tears begin to swell in her eyes.

“And even then it won’t stop. I need to warn you, Roger. Grandma told me specifically to tell you this.”

Chills ran up my spine, and I fought back the tears.

“It’ll go for you next. It has a pattern that the angel tortures in. I don’t know what it was, but my Grandma knows who it’s going to hurt next. I have to warn you, Roger.”

“No,” I whispered. “No. You’re crazy. I don’t believe you. I never believed in Ouija boards. You’re just telling me crap to scare me. Please stop, Lillian. Please. Just stop…”

“I can’t stop, Roger. It’s true. I know it, you know it. We all know it. Grandma wanted me to tell you that this angel can’t be stopped. We’re all going to die.”

My knees began to shake, and I crouched down, resting my hand on a tombstone. I was shivering.

“I have to go now, Roger. Please don’t tell the others about this. Keep it between you and me. I don’t want to let them know that it’s my fault we’re all going to die. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I—I have to go now.” Lillian left me there, shaking.

I stared at the ground, tears dripping off my nose. My glasses were splattered with salty teardrops.

My phone rang four times before I could get a hold of my self to answer it.

“H-hello?”

“Roger? Have you heard yet?” It was Jen. She was crying.

“Heard what?” I whispered.

“It’s Lillian!” Jen sniffled and continued, “Richard found out this morning. Her parents called him and told him. He’s been calling everyone…”

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Lillian’s dead. She was found in her closet this morning. She'd hung herself with a rope. She—” Jen couldn’t continue any further.

I opened my mouth in surprise.

“What? What are you talking about? I just talked to her! She was just here!”

“Roger, she’s been dead for over six hours! Lillian is dead! She’s dead she’s dead she’s dead she’s—”

Uncontrollable weeping.

As everything began to make sense, I couldn’t hold my stomach any longer. Bile was forced out of my mouth with a disgusting taste that reminded me of blood.


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Thu Oct 02, 2008 1:38 pm
chocoholic wrote a review...



You are sick, man! It's like you don't want me to sleep!

“I stole the Ouija board that we used a few nights ago. I didn’t plan on using it a lot—”


You said before that two of them had been drifting away from the group. This doesn't really make sense when you say the seance was a few nights ago. Surely more time would have passed since then?


Well, that's all really. Sorry this is such a short critique compared to the others, but your writing is brilliant, plus I'm really reading this at the wrong time, so I'm sort of losing my nerve a bit.

I am fascinated, though, as to the end. I'll keep reading, although I'll probably regret it as there's still two more parts for you to put up.

choco.




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Mon Sep 08, 2008 4:52 pm
Alainna wrote a review...



I'm sorry it's taken me so long to crit this, Jared. I'm glad I finally got my act together and read it.

The others have already pointed out most of the pressing grammatical and plot errors so I'm just going to stick to my opinion and general over-view.

Roger

Roger is a fairly flat character. He seems to act very similarly to Richard and I often get the two confused. You also added in this:

There was only one cute girl, though.

Now, this seemed to confuse matters even more. Does Roger secretly fancy Lilian? If so, why is this the first time we know anything about it? Why haven't there been little hints in previous parts?

I also think that Roger could be improved a lot more by more thoughts. Although this is written in first person, Roger lacks a personal quality. I believe what I'm trying to say is that you just need to sit down and go '"Who is Roger and why is he there?" Once you figure all that out Roger should hopefully come alive a bit more.

Flashback

I love flashbacks. I use them a lot and I think that they can really add to a piece. Although there was nothing actually wrong about your flashback (perhaps you could have put it in italics to show that it was a flashback?) I just didn't see what it added to the part. It didn't give us any information we were dying to know about and it didn't really help much with your characterisation. Instead of a flashback you could maybe have Roger just think back to first seeing his group of friends. Have it as a single line - a memory rather than a flashback.

Storyline

What I really liked about this part is that it was generally scarier and more descriptive than the last few. You got some good one-liners in, for instance 'the tombstones glared at me' worked very well.

I reckon you need to slow down with your action. Draw out the time. Have a part where perhaps we see the characters in a general interaction - school? - to take us away from the actual plot for a few paragraphs. I can see that you tried this with the flashback but I think you need to try again. Sub-plots are your friends. Don't rush your work because it's worth taking your time over. Trust me!
The phone call from Jen would have worked a lot better at the beginning of a separate part. I also think that it would be better if Jen actually went round to Roger's house rather than just call him. A scene rather than dialogue is often a lot more exciting. Plus, if I had to deliver the news that my friend just died I would go round to the persons house - both for support for the person and for myself. Do you see?


Overall, your writing is literally growing in front of my eyes. I can see the change in your way of writing and your description has most definitely improved. What I would like to see now is some more characterisation and some more action - don't let your plot be a series of phone calls.

All the best, Jared and please pm me when you post more.


Alainna
xxxxx




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Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:39 pm
Angel of Death wrote a review...



Hows it been, BBB?

I am so glad I read this today! This was another fine installment to the Seance series. I just loved the twist at the end. I mean, I wouldn't have thought Lillian was dead because she was at the grave talking to Roger-unless he can see and talk to dead people! Oh my goodness, I really can't wait to read more. You're a great writer and I love reading your stories. Please PM me when you post the next part
Thanks for the read,
-Angel :D :D :D




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Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:32 pm
StellaThomas wrote a review...



Dammit Jared, a girl gets home from her holidays to go off to boarding school tomorrow and you shove something like this down her throat?

I'm not going to be able to sleep tomorrow.

But I still really enjoyed it. Very Gothic. I promise I'll edit this into a proper review when I get the time, but I really don't have it now, and I'm about to relish a last night in my own bed and read Steve Augarde's books about fairies in Somerset. Happy thoughts :D

But overall, I liked, and will critique!

-Stella x




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Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:08 pm
Kylan wrote a review...



Jared -

I'm very pleased you decided to post this. Once again, you've managed to structure a realistic and eerie situation and, what's more, you added a very mature twist to the end, which I enjoyed. In all seriousness, you have me thirsting for part five.

[And then the screen begins to swim]

You know how in sitcoms and b-list movies when the script calls for a flashback, the characters get these far-off looks on their faces, and then the image gets all blurry and fuzzy and chimes and harps go off in the background representing a trip back in time or a flashback? You know those? You know how much I hate them? When you took us back to Roger and Lillian's first encounter, I immediately imagined one of those cheesy flashback transistions. I'm not quite sure how you could improve it, though, except by removing that portion entirely.

Think about it. What did the flashback accomplish? Did it help develop the characters? Did it do anything but toss a load of backstory at us that the plotline really doesn't need? The only things I gathered from it was that Lillian was a kind, caring person and that Roger was an introverted new kid at one point in time. That's all.

In short: the flashback is completely unnecessary, especially since each 'chapter' focuses on only one person and Roger won't ever taste POV again.

[It Builds Character]

I've noticed that most of your characters sound the same. Boy or girl, they act similarly, freak out similarly, and have similar conversations with each other. If you haven't already, I would sit down and do a few character outlines and make your characters more...individual. Make them stand apart from each other. Do they have any quirks? Are they shy? Are they rebellious? Are they clowns? Are they clumsy? Give them specific and unique attributes and we'll have a much easier time distinguishing them from one another. Savvy?

[Miscellaneous]

First of all I want to congratulate you on narrowly avoiding a terrible cliche. The Cemetary. Nearly every two-bit horror story has one. But you managed to pull it off, mainly because you had them meet at noon and you didn't describe any violent gusts of wind or thunderstorms. I'm just telling you that your wobbling awfully close to that cliche line, but don't change anything yet.

It was etched into minds


Don't you need a pronoun here? Etched into whose minds? Our minds? People's minds in general? Your minds? Their minds?

“Roger, can you swear that you’ll never tell this to anyone? Please? I need to know that I can trust you. Please. Just let me trust you. I can’t keep it a secret anymore. I’m too scared. [s]Too… too scared,” [/s]


The last part's just too melodramtic. Cut it.

I sat alone at the lunch table, avoiding others' eyes. Instead, I concentrated on the novel I was reading, occasionally taking a bite.


These sentences don't sound right together because I think you made a grammar error. In the first sentence the character was busy avoiding eyes. That's what he was doing. And then in the second sentence, you cancel that action out by saying 'instead'. A better version of these two sentences would be:

I sat alone at the lunch table, avoiding others' eyes, and concentrating on the novel I was reading.

Yes?

“Hi,” I whispered, not looking her in the eye.


Come on. Would he really whisper hello? Maybe his voice is hoarse, or it cracks but who would return a friendly greeting with a whisper? It's not realistic.

The tombstones were still glaring at me.


The first time you said this, it rocked. The second time, it was stale. Try relating the same imagery in a different way. Stretch yourself.

My glasses were splattered with salty teardrops


When I read this I was reminded of blood spatter. Do tears really squirt out of the eyes like that? Like ketchup bottles? Cut the spatter and use a more conventional verb.

I couldn’t sleep that night.


Demeter said this doesn't work. No offense to him, but he's wrong. This sentence alone was perfect. Don't you dare change it.

Quote:
The tombstones glared at me,


I think you should add something like 'eyes pressing into my back', because I have no idea what direction the park is or where the cemetery, so a bit more info might be nice.


I disagree with this comment as well. Don't change anything. If you do, you just end up adding extra word baggage: something that you're very good at keeping out of your work.

Anyway, very nice job. Post part five soon.

-Kylan




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Mon Sep 01, 2008 8:03 pm
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



Nice. I like the characterization that the last few ones have demonstrated in contrast to the first. However, this sort of felt out of character for Roger in comparison to how we saw him in the first few chapters. I mean, I remember mentioning in my review for the first one about how he was the stereotypical "nerd" kid. But here, we really see nothing of that except for how he was reading a novel the first time he met the others. (And I agree with Bittersweet about the rather quick mention of "true/best" friends after he just goes to sit with them.)

I feel in awe of this, regardless. You really rock some major socks with this story. Consider this "persistent bugging", which apparently works in making you write more. I'm really liking this.

My one question/critique: If Richard found out that morning about Lillian, why did it take so long for Jen/Richard/anyone to call Roger? Jen makes it sound as if Richard has known for quite a bit, but apparently no one has thought to call Roger until just now? It seems kind of contrived, as you don't want Roger to find out too early that Lillian isn't real here in the cemetery. Can you somehow reword Jen's part of the conversation so that it seems as though Richard just found out extremely recently?

Anyhoo, keep on writing! This is amazing stuff!

*thumbs up*

~GryphonFledgling




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Sun Aug 31, 2008 11:02 pm
coryab222 wrote a review...



Whoo! This is, by far, the best of the series yet. You did an awesome job with adding that twist at the end.

The only thing I don't absolutely love about this series is that when you change perspectives every chapter, it's hard to keep track of everything going on. I also feel like the story line is less affective because we aren't able to really get into the characters. I think I might have already said something along those lines in an earlier review... You have done a better job with all of that in this addition, though.

So! Please keep writing this, and just focus on the characters a bit more. Good job.

P.S. I appreciate you letting me know that this had been posted!




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Sun Aug 31, 2008 5:37 pm
Bittersweet wrote a review...



Eep! As I said already, this is very morbid. Insanely. But I shall get more into that later as always, yes?

“Swear to me!” she moaned, and I nodded.


Because they're on the phone, I feel that nodding is unnecessary. Sure, sometimes I do nod while talking on the phone, but it just sounds weird here.

The tombstones glared at me,


I think you should add something like 'eyes pressing into my back', because I have no idea what direction the park is or where the cemetery, so a bit more info might be nice.

A group of friends sat a table away from me. They were busily chatting amongst themselves. There were three guys and three girls. There was only one cute girl, though.

She caught me looking at her, and my eyes dodged to my plate. My face began to redden. After a minute or so, she stood up from her table and slowly made her way to mine. I bit my lip.


I love Rodger. :P

I sat down. That was the first time I had ever had friends. Real friends that I could trust. Friends that could count on me, and I could count on them.


It sounds like it's Happy-Lollipops-Niceland because it's almost as if they're immediately and magically friends! And seeing as this is as far as one might possibly get from a brainwashing children's show, you may want to give us a sense of how long it was before they became friends. ;)

I waved back and hastened to her.


You've used 'hastened' too much. Perhaps different word choice, yes?

I want answer to life.


Plural, dear. xD

“It’ll go for you next. It has a pattern that the angel tortures in. I don’t know what it was, but my Grandma knows who it’s going to hurt next. I have to warn you, Roger.”


At this point I'm like "Oh holy crap!". That's freaky!

My glasses were splattered with salty teardrops.


I thought his eyes were spewing tears. xDD Maybe just say the bottom brim of his glasses wear wet with tears.

All right, that's done! Now, I must say I loved loved loved the flashback. It was so nice to get some of Rodger's past in there. And he's the best because he's nerdy. :P Anywhoo, definitely one of your most scariest yet. Even though I already knew that Lillian was going to kill herself, I still really felt all the right emotions. The horror, the chills, everything. It's really quite nice how this is all coming together and I'm very eager to see what happens next!

I have a feeling Grandma isn't really Grandma?

:P

Holly




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Sun Aug 31, 2008 3:13 pm
dommy65 wrote a review...



This is fabulously creepy! I love it! I was glued to my seat, it's so addicting.

Demeter already corrected some of the little things that I found, the only other one was during the first phone conversation:

“The park. By the cemetery. Please meet me there. I need to show you something. Noon. By—”


By should be bye....unless you're trying to make the word cut off.... wait just disregard that :lol:

I can't wait for more!

~Dommy

p.s thanks for messaging me when you posted this :)




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Sun Aug 31, 2008 11:21 am
Demeter wrote a review...



Hey! Thanks for letting me know about the new chapter :)

Oh nooo! This is getting really freaky. Luckily, it's 2 pm and the sun is shining, otherwise I couldn't sleep ever again. Haha. You're very good at making this kind of cliffhangers. I can't wait for the next chapter to come.


The scratches on my back ebbed into scars, and the pain fell away. The memories of the séances though, that pain never fell away. It’s etched into minds. The feelings that I felt as we sat


All this sounds a little awkward to me. I had to read the second sentence twice before I understood it, so I recommend you to rephrase it. It's all somehow vague, could you clear it out just a bit? :)


you’ll never tell anyone this


I think "you'll never tell this to anyone" would flow better.


You’re parents


Your parents.


“The park. By the cemetery. Please meet me there. I need to show you something. Noon. By—” Her farewell was cut off by her hanging up. The phone buzzed in my ear for another couple of seconds, and I pressed ‘End’.


I couldn’t sleep that night.


This left me wondering whether that last sentence is good enough to be in its place. When I started to really think about it, it sounded somehow awkward and off. What if it was "I rolled in my bed for hours until I finally fell into restless sleep."? I don't know if that's at all what you meant for it to be, but you could at least try it or something else similar to it.


avoiding other’s eyes


I believe you mean "others' eyes"?


Aaah! This is so scary! Please, please, post more soon! And let me know again, will you? Thank you.


-Demeter xxx





I wish literally anything else I ever said made it into the quote generator.
— CowLogic