“Hey.” The doctor had this ugly mustache on his oily face. It was so horrendous that I couldn’t even look at it. I instantly turned my gaze to the checkered floor. The devil smiled at me calmly.
“Would you mind taking a seat on that bed right there?” The doctor nodded to a leathery bed. Well, leathery was the wrong word. Sure, it could’ve been made of leather, but it didn’t feel like it. It was hard and cold, like ice. How could there be ice in hell?
The devil was still smiling, although her lips were lying. She didn’t want to do this to me, I knew. Mom wouldn’t suddenly throw me into the car and drive me here. There had to be some kind of an explanation. I sat on the bed.
“My name is Dr. Florez. Right here,” he pointed to the woman next to him, “is Meranda Briggs. She’s a nutritionist and she’s here to help us, ah, you.” I looked coldly at the woman. She was pretty. Meranda Briggs had blonde hair pulled back into a bun. Her blue eyes twinkled and churned my stomach. Oh, gosh. I could not be falling for a twenty-something year old lady.
“Hello,” Meranda Briggs said. “I’m here to help you. That’s all. I just want to be your friend. May I be your friend?”
I’m not a first grader, you idiot!
I nodded, but otherwise kept silent.
“Okay,” she said smiling. She looked down at a clipboard that she was holding. I noticed her fingernails. They were painted blue with black swirls. It kinda reminded me of the ocean. Man, I hadn’t been to the ocean for ages!
“Well, before we begin we need to discuss your goals.” I must’ve looked blank or something, because she added, “Goals are things that you want to accomplish. I know that being overweight nowadays can be really challenging. You get called names at school. You get made fun of constantly. Life’s no fun. Nobody likes it. Do you? Do you like being overweight?”
What kind of a question was that? I could feel hot tears begin forming behind my eyes. This was exactly why I didn’t like going to the doctors. They were such freaking hypocrites! I was sure they didn’t eat all of their stupid fruits and vegetables. They probably pigged out when they got home. I swiftly glanced at the doctor. He wasn’t exactly thin either.
Hypocrites. That’s all they were.
“No,” I answered curtly. The devil shifted in her chair.
“Well, then, would you like to lose weight?”
All eyes were focused on me.
“Yeah.”
Meranda Briggs stared at me for the longest time. Her eyes – those wonderful blue gems – seemed to dig into my brain and extract all of the answers she wanted from me. But that wasn’t enough for her. Oh, no. She wanted to humiliate me by making me admit I was fat.
“I see. Would you commit yourself to healthy eating habits and regular exercising?” Meranda never lost eye contact with me.
I shrugged. “I guess…” I was blushing and knew it. I anxiously looked around the room, trying to find something other than Meranda Briggs.
“Well, Dr. Florez and I have come up with a chart that you could keep. If you’d like, I’ll give it to you.” She held out a paper in her hands. I glanced at it with mild interest. The devil stared at me and cleared her throat. I took the paper.
Bringing it closer to me, I saw a chart. There were a bunch of different lines and boxes with empty spaces.
“In the middle there,” Meranda said and stood up from her chair. She walked over to the bed I was on and pointed to a middle box. “In the middle, you put your goal. On all of these arms that extend out of your goal, you put specific things that you can do to reach your goal.”
“Oh,” I said and bit my lip.
“Here, I have a pencil. Go ahead a put your goal in.”
I shakily took the pen the Meranda Briggs lent me and scribbled: lose weight. Meranda seemed satisfied with my answer. She sat back in her seat, leaving me with the pencil. The devil shifted again to read what I had written. I swear I saw a smirk on her face as she read it.
I hid my answer with my hand.
“Okay,” Meranda Briggs continued. “Now list five things you can do to lose weight. It’s not that hard. I can name a couple if you’d like.”
Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I would.
“You could run around the block every morning.” I quickly scribbled that into an arm that extended from my goal. I looked back up to her, expectantly.
“Um, let’s see… you can eat an apple for breakfast, and fruit with your lunch.” Again, I scribbled her answer. “Now you can think of three more.”
I signed inwardly. What else was there? I got the two basic ones, right? Eat healthy and exercise. What more was there?
“How about no soda?” Dr. Florez recommended. I nodded.
“And no ice cream,” the devil added. I glared coldly at her.
Meranda Briggs smiled politely. “I think that it would be better if he answered these himself.”
The devil said, “Oh, yes. Of course. Sorry.”
“There,” I muttered and set the pencil down. My goal was to lose weight and my five other things were running around the block, eating apples, no soda and no ice cream.
I sighed. These were all of the things that I couldn’t do. What about the things that I could do? I mean, I would have to eat something! Was everything off-limits?
I raised the paper up for Meranda to take, but she refused. “No, that’s yours to take home. It’s your goals. I’m going to set a challenge for you now, okay? Do you feel up for a challenge?”
I nodded vacuously.
“I want you to work on this goal for one week. That’s not too bad. One week isn’t that bad at all. All you have to do is follow all of the things that you listed. Before you know it, you’ll be dropping the pounds like they were flies.”
My doctors’ appointment ended about there. Dr. Florez didn’t say anything. He just gave me these weird looks and examined my body the entire time. I sorta liked Meranda Briggs. Just a little though ‘cause she was that likable kind of person.
But on the ride home with the devil, she said she was sorely disappointed in me. She also said that I didn’t need dinner. She told me I had eaten enough for lunch as it was.
I locked myself in the bathroom that night. I was trembling. Everything that had happened was so wrong. I was fat. I wanted it to go away right then and the only was to do it was to flush it down the toilet.
My hands were trembling as I raised them to my mouth. It was all suddenly very vague as I stuck my fingers down my throat. Then I was gagging. Gagging, gagging, gagging. It wouldn’t come up. Why wouldn’t it come up? All of the fat was in my stomach. If it went down the toilet, then I wouldn’t be fat anymore.
I jerked my hands out of my mouth and clutched the toilet seat. C’mon. I have to do this.
Taking deep breaths, I did it again. I stuck my two longest fingers in my mouth and gagged. Come up. Come up, you freaking barf.
Before I could even comprehend what was going on, it flowed out of my mouth like a river. The hot and spicy puke burned my tongue, leaving a horrible aftertaste.
I wiped my mouth and stared into the bowl. My fat was in there now, swimming. With a look of disgust, I flushed and it disappeared.
I lifted up my shirt and realized I was still fat.
End of chapter
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140,534 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Hey, BBB!
Agh. The "sorta" is back. You may keep it if you like, but I'm just saying that's not exactly my favourite word.
Two things:
1) "The devil" thing gets really annoying after you've mentioned it once or twice. So leave a couple of devils in the beginning, if you have to, and then replace them with "Mom". Pretty please?
2) You've improved with the tenses, good!
3) The ending cracked me up. It saved this from being too gloomy.
Good job, overall.
Demeter xx
BigBadBear - after a fashion, but I’m here : ) Sorry for the delay!
Quote:
Mom wouldn’t suddenly throw me into the car and drive me here.
Ah, but we do not know that! The MC does, but not the reader… The parents (or, mother) were introduced to us only recently. Perhaps scatter throughout the previous installments more of their believing it “a phase” that he would grown out of? Emphasize that, so that this thought (the quoted one) would have more meaning, and not just float around.
Quote:
Oh, gosh. I could not be falling for a twenty-something year old lady.
Hmm, that was a statement. A dry one. I mean, “oh, gosh,” is good, but not enough. Did he gulp, etc.? Tingly sensation? You know, that sort of thing, so it would be just black letters on white paper.
Quote:
I’m not a first grader, you idiot!
Heh.
Quote:
They were painted blue with black swirls. It kinda reminded me of the ocean.
Okay, so we have three “unfolded”, comma deprived, and so “simple”, sentences, one of which I did not quote. There is a reason for that. I’d like to see these two (the quoted ones) somehow merged - a dash, perhaps? It’d be a remedy for the feeling of chunkiness that comes with them (the “unfolded”) being one after the other.
Quote:
He wasn’t exactly thin either.
Comma before “either”.
Quote:
Bringing it closer to me, I saw a chart.
We - and he - knows it’s a chart already. Consider rephrasing that, or cutting it out?\
Quote:
“In the middle there,” Meranda said and stood up from her chair. She walked over to the bed I was on and pointed to a middle box.
I feel that to have the comma before the ending quoted, you’d have to link it with her pointing sooner. Otherwise it just floats around.
Quote:
Again, I scribbled her answer.
The repetition of “scribble” really stands out.
Quote:
It’s your goals.
It’s?
Quote:
Just a little though ‘cause she was that likable kind of person.
Comma before “though”. And again, you have to back that up with arguments scattered over the text. You can’t just make us take if for granted.
Quote:
But on the ride home with the devil, she said she was sorely disappointed in me.
Make it clearer that it’s the devil disappointed. See, because of that praise of Miranda, and the “but” - one would think that’d link with the other. And it doesn’t.
Cheers,
Esme
I'm so sorry for the wait!
Nit-Picks
How’s he see her if he’s turned to the floor? Also, watch your sentence variation – it’s all the same here (this whole paragraph.)
Maybe ‘The devil continued smiling/kept on smiling.’ This feels a tiny bit like a tense switch.
Odd wording...
So are you saying the devil and Mom were two separate people? (Like, not for real, but different personalities?) Expand on your meaning a bit.
Random? This shouldn’t be contained in this paragraph - it's a completely different subject. Also, it's not really a bed...
Why do you have her full name in the middle of a paragraph, when you’ve already established her as ‘she?’
Haha, I like that he continues to call her this.
‘Otherwise?’ Nodding doesn’t make noise.
Again, watch your sentence variation.
Who doesn’t know what ‘goals’ means? Maybe show that he just didn’t understand in this context.
The sentences are getting boring again…
I’d combine this with the previous paragraph.
The mother still is bugging me. It’s too sudden! We have to be told that she’s awful earlier.
That’s only four.
A bit confusing… Seems to contradict the previous sentence.
The ‘but’ made me think we were still talking about Meranda Briggs.
Overall Comments
You know I'm in love with this story, Jared.
Nice job with the tenses! They improved a lot here.
The mom still bugs me, but if you fix her in earlier parts it will work better.
The end was amazing, and terribly sad.
*Hugs Jared super-duper tightly*
Sorry for the wait!
~JFW1415
I told you I'd do this! I'm sooo sorry I put it off for sooo long! I feel so bad!
<== The only bawling smilie I could find. Still doesn't cut it!
If you want a cool dramatic pause, I'd suggest a dash. Otherwise, no comma's really necessary there.
I'd probably put a dash before ah.
The three-word sentence was weird among the longer sentences. I'd probably join these. Maybe use with? She was pretty with her blonde hair pulled back into a bun.
That would be one whole adjectives, so it gets some more hyphens. ^^
Lol...
I never really noticed.
You're calling her the Devil way too much. xD
I don't think off limits gets a hyphen.
Oh no.. He wouldn't...
As gross as this is, this made me laugh really hard. XD
Ewww... However, the ending was written wonderfully, despite the nastiness. It stung? Eww, stomach acid! Anyway.. So glad I hadn't eaten yet. Whew! I liked the last bit, though.
My only issue is in the doctor's office, the nurse is doing all the talking. The doctor's standing right there, though. I guess, when I'm at the doctor's office, the doctor does the talking when she's in there, and the nurse is not always in there when the doctor's in there. That kind of bothered me.
And the mom. I kinda wanna kill her. Not gonna lie. That's a horrible mom. She smirked? *sniffles* Poor Fat Boy.
This was awesome still. I told ya I'd crit it! It just took way longer than I wanted it too. I'm sooorry! Forgive me!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Sorry for being so late...
I think this was a pretty well-done chapter as well, and I like how you're showing us a bit more vulnerability and struggle on the character's part, showing us that both the pressure others put on him and the pressures he puts on himself are having definite effect. It makes him feel far more human, much easier to relate to.
One small thing...
Really? This seemed a little... exaggerated to me, almost. I mean, I see that you're trying to introduce more conflict and all that, but this sorta makes her seem less like a 3-dimensional, human character and more like an evil-stepmother type caricature... like I'd half-expect her to throw her hands up in the air and start laughing maniacally or something. I dunno... I think if you softened the way you portray her a bit, she'd seem more real, more sympathetic, and I think that would impact the reader a lot more.
Anyways, nice job, I'm looking forward to the next one. ^_^
Hey man!
--
You must tell me how you get so many reviews
Well, grammatically this was more-or-less sound - just a few thoughts:
This would be better phrased as 'Meranda said, standing up from her chair.'
Pen, or pencil?
I thought this was a diary entry? If so, it should be 'I have locked myself in the bathroom tonight.' Or something of the sort.
Well, what is there for to focus on? I enjoyed this piece, and now I really hate the mother - well done. I do hope this didn't really happen!
There isn't much I can add, I feel, since from what I have seen there isn't a lot to improve on. I am interested how you will carry this on, and I love your kind of down-to-earth style.
Here though, I felt descriptions were lacking. You have the bones - the structure - now we need the flesh for to describe to me what's going on. What does it smell like? What can you hear - your heart pounding in your chest?
Good luck,
Mark
GAH! Stupid mother!!! -feels like slapping Fat Boy's mom- She's such a jerkface!
Okay, now I feel absolutely horrible for Fat Boy. The poor kid has too much pain for a teen. I do like that you are adding a little humor, because it's much needed. I also like the whole Meranda thing. It gives the story a lighter touch, and a break from all the fat-related stuff. It also gives me a little hope for Fat Boy. Maybe Meranda is the key to all of this--maybe she's the reason Fat Boy might start looking forward to visits to the doctor.
Anyway, please keep writing. You have no idea how much this has impacted me. Thanks so much for writing it.
Holly.
Still, your story makes me depressed! It's sorta, um, I can't explain, you know? Not that it's horrible! It's WONDERFUL for people who like to read this kind of stuff. I just don't like it, but because you're my friend, I'll read it
Hey, thanks a lot! Haha, yeah I try to throw some humor in with all of the serious issues that Fatty goes through. It makes it (I think) easier to read and to relate to.
So thanks for reading. All you guys rock.
-Jared
I'm sorry, this may be cruel, but the end ,made me laugh. I really enjoy this series, and I think that you are helping a lot of people out there who are overweight. Excellent use of description, and extrodinary use of well, i like the story, all right?