I don't know why, but Run, Fat Boy, Run is terribly fun to write. It's just... it's me. Except not really. Many of these things have happened to me, and most of them still are. But, meh. It's a thing most people go through. I think that this really shows the character's attitude and yeah... It's just fun.
Enjoy day 2
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Day Two
I woke up this morning and ate a bowl of cereal. Well… two if you want to be all… scientific about it. So, the nutrition facts on the cereal box said that a serving (which I guessed was a full bowl of cereal) was a hundred a twenty calories. And that wasn’t even the milk, which made me feel bad because I had eaten two bowls – two hundred and forty calories – and that hadn’t even included the milk.
I thought, “Oh, screw the milk. It probably didn’t count anyways.”
Calories added up rather quickly, as I noticed during lunch. There weren’t nutrition labels on everything, mind you. Just the milk carton. I had sat at the lunch table, guestimating how much my curly fries and my fried chicken had cost me.
It wasn’t looking too bright.
It was gym right after lunch, and we ran the whole period. It was a hot April day, and from the moment that I stepped outside, I knew that my pits were going to be soiled by the end of the class period. I remember hesitantly making my way to the starting line. My teacher blew the whistle and I started jogging.
Don’t get me wrong – I love the whole point of running. It gets your heart racing, your blood pumping. Calories supposedly fly right off of you and you’re supposed to feel great afterwards.
My legs grew very weary after the first fifteen seconds. I mean, whose wouldn’t? About two fifty pound legs jostling around, and my poor bones had to keep myself upright. I feel sorry for the little guys.
And – true to my word – my pits were like an ocean. A huge, yellow, stinky ocean. I cursed myself for not bring deodorant to school.
I went home after school that day – gasping for breath because I had missed the bus due to my English teacher not letting us out on time – and wrote down my estimated calorie intake: five hundred and fifty.
“Hey,” I thought to myself. “It’s not even dinner and I haven’t even reached the halfway point yet!”
So, after that uplifting thought, I dug out the old popcorn and fixed myself a bag. I looked at the nutrition label and wrote down an extra three hundred calories.
Not bad. Eight hundred and fifty – not even halfway there!
I guess that it was then that I realized that I didn’t actually eat as bad as I thought I did. I had thought that my calories would reach up into the higher thousands – but I was completely wrong.
And then dinner came along.
Let’s just say that I was obsessed with knowing exactly how many calories everything had – it was quite obnoxious really. My parents kept staring at me like I was some half minded loser. Since when did their son care about his health? Anyway, for dinner I consumed three big scoops of mashed potatoes, two smaller slabs of turkey (I had learned that too much meat was bad for your health,) a small spoonful of steamy corn, and lots of butter.
Hey, I can’t be perfect!
After much scrutinizing and an agonizing debate of how many calories everything had, I said, “Oh, screw it.”
I scribbled at the bottom of my worksheet – the one where we had to write how many calories we partook of – the number two thousand.
“There. I was dead on. No more, no less,” I muttered.
See? I’m not that horrible of an eater. I eat vegetables – potatoes - and fruit – my cereal was Fruit Loops.
“Nah,” I said to myself later that night. “I can lose weight if I wanted to.” And I do want to. It’s just the matter of doing the diet. Thinking about it – as much fun as that sounds – doesn’t quite cut it.
I finished off the night with a thriller movie and large bowl of ice cream, ‘cause frankly, I deserved it.
_
Hehe. ^^
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140,534 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
This is really simple writing, which is good. It makes the story really good, taking into account that you're able to create an interesting environment and a fascinating character...all which you have been able to accomplish! Well done!--again
Hey, here I am again!
Hmm... the fact that he wakes up is self-evident, as people usually wake up in the morning
I would put a comma after "two".
My apologies, but that's disgusting
I loved the ending. The MC feels real (which I guess he partly is
Demeter xx
BBB rocks the writing world yet again! Like I said in my last review, this story is beautifully daring. It's impossible to NOT feel for your character. I also like the way you set this up--the obsession with calories. Because, well, that's how people think when they're trying to lose wait. So good job with that; it's very realistic. If anything, I think you could add more concrete detail about his school, teachers, parents, friends...but more of that is probably coming later. Dialogue, too. Don't forget dialogue.
Bear,
Links in signatures do come in handy, do they not? That is how I got here^^
Quote:
I had eaten two bowls – two hundred and forty calories – and that hadn’t even included the milk.
You made good us of dashes here - because dashes they are, no?
Quote:
Don’t get me wrong – I love the whole point of running. It gets your heart racing, your blood pumping. Calories supposedly fly right off of you and you’re supposed to feel great afterwards.
Great expectations but no result. It’s a question but I get no answer… You have the good points listed, and we have this inexistent yet present “but”, but nothing following it. Of course, we have the negatives below, yet I don’t think that is an adequate answer, as far as the “question”, or “prompt”, is concerned.
Quote:
I feel sorry for the little guys.
Yeah, me too.
Quote:
I went home after school that day – gasping for breath because I had missed the bus due to my English teacher not letting us out on time –
Couldn’t he wait for another one? Why the gasping breath?
Quote:
So, after that uplifting thought,
Don’t like the “so“.
Quote:
And then dinner came along.
Nice!
Quote:
(I had learned that too much meat was bad for your health,)
Comma after ending parenthesis
Quote:
“I can lose weight if I wanted to.”
Can - could
Okay, line-by-line added, thought at this point the story is indeed tweaked, and so I had little to be nitpicky about. Kudos to you on that. I do have, however, some comments.
-:> Thoughts as opposed to dialogue. In your story, both are in quotes. That clashes.
-:>Too much dashes is not good. You make good use of them, yes, as was already remarked on, but you have too much! Sentence afar sentence! (Well, at one point, but I do get to exaggerate).
-:> Some parts detached, can be seen here (Quote):
And – true to my word – my pits were like an ocean. A huge, yellow, stinky ocean. I cursed myself for not bring deodorant to school.
And what comes after. It just doesn’t connect, see?
I like your style - it‘s simple, with no purple prose. I understand, and so the elaborations and explanations must be brief and carefully crafted. But they have to be there.
-:> But, very nice. I enjoyed reading this, and so scores and scores of points to you for that! I also see that you’re very dedicated (something that I can never manage) and yes, you should.
Cheers,
Esme
Haha! I think this is the best part of the whole journal!
Hahaha! I love it! It was brilliantly written, and so funny. I wish I was as good as an author as you.
There were a few missed commas and such, but you always go back and edit, so your probably already have caught them.
Otherwise, this was EXCELLENT!
:Sythe:
I LOVED that part i actually laughed out loud. Perfect.
Hello! This second chapter is quite well done as well. Once again, your narrative voice is brilliant, and your main character is likable and easy to relate to. ^_^ Gah, I remember how awful running in PE was... gym in general was the worst part of my day from about third grade on. XD
This isn't really a critique, but this line seriously made me laugh. XD
The whole period? Granted, I've never been to a gym class in high school, but a class period is like... almost an hour at least, isn't it? Running that whole time sounds a little... unrealistic. I mean, even for an out-of-shape person, that's like... three or four miles of running. Then again, maybe I'm just un-athletic. XD
Might want to rephrase this. I originally read "two fifty" as one word, as in "250" and got a little confused about what you were trying to say. it might work better if you put a hyphen in "fifty-pound."
Sorry for the short critique... frankly, I couldn't find much to pick on you for. XD You've done a really nice job with this so far.
On to Day Three!
Heylo! I'll try to get this up quick. I gotta sleep some time tonight, LOL.
I apologize for repeating anything!
This last sentence confused me a little.
Lol?
Underlined: Does this mean 250 pound legs (which would be: About two-fifty-pound legs)? Or two 50 pound legs (which would be: About two fifty-pound legs)? The latter doesn't make much sense to me, lol. You either have two legs or you don't, right? But just clearing things up. ^_^
Ewww! LOL!
This might be a nitpick, but the so's starting sentences gets rather redundant. Plus, are we allowed to start sentences with F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So)? Not grammatically, no. Style, sure-why-not.
Dashes are lovely, but commas are amazing too.
This was great!
Either:
After much scrutinizing and agonizing debating of how many calories everything had, I said, "Oh, screw it."
Or:
After much scrutinizing -- and an agonizing debate of how many calories everything had -- I said, "Oh, screw it."
I eat vegetables, potatoes, and fruit -- my cereal was Fruit Loops. I don't understand why the cereal is set separately like it is. Maybe a bit of reformatting and it would make sense, but it seems a bit random to me. I eat vegetables, potatoes, fruit, and cereal! Fruit Loops, but it's cereal!
Because does not require a comma.
LOL! Great ending!
This is really good, 3B. Your writing is so simple, and I can picture everything. This is really good. Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Reading this is sort of depressing Jared!
Here you go! The numbers next to the highlighted parts correspond with the 'highlighted comments' below.
Highlighted Comments
1. I’d ditch this word. It’s awkward, and kind of sounds like part of his thought.
2. Someone else said that they thought this wasn’t needed, but a lot of readers need the reminder.
3. Heehee…we only have to run for seven minutes. ;P
4. Maybe show that he’s comparing himself to the facts? Like, ‘I never did. My legs grew…’ to show that he never felt great afterwards?
5. I don’t think this is needed…the weight isn’t only his legs. His whole body is heavy.
6. Please tell me that you’re going to make him realize that this is incorrect? Also, is this counting the morning? Maybe say ‘intake for the day: five hundred…’
7. Eight-fifty. ;P Little math problems there? lol
8. I personally hate this part. Any rewording?
9. Another reason why I’d change the first one; you repeat ‘I guess’ too much here.
10. This isn’t needed.
11. I know this is a blog/journal thing, but I’d ditch this and start a new paragraph.
12. I think parenthesis would work better, considering that these are blog/journal entries. The dashes seem to be used too often. I would write it as: ‘….big scoops of mashed potatoes, two smaller slabs of turkey (I had learned that too much meat was bad for your health,) a small spoonful of steamy corn, and lot’s of butter.
13. Expand?
14. Use dashes sparingly! ;P I would write this as: ‘I eat vegetables, potatoes, and fruit (my cereal was Fruit Loops.)’
15. I think it would make more sense if this was right after he wrote down the number (time wise, not paragraph wise.) This seems a bit random. Or you can show that he was obsessing about it all night, then came to this conclusion.
16. I loved this. I think lines like this are why you love writing this and why I love reading it. ;P
Overall Comments
Awesome job. I love this style – it’s so fun and easy to read. (It must be a blast to write!) I can completely relate to what he’s saying, even if I’ve never weighed that much. That’s the great thing about this subject. In today’s society, even ten pounds over is considered horrible, so a lot of people are affected by this. Even if they think they look fine and can just ignore the others, they still hear the taunting. (Also, tons of people have dealt with the running problem. I just started being able to run for a normal amount of time, and I’m fourteen. ;P)
However, you need to pay attention to the tenses. Before you write/edit, decide when he is reading this. If it’s days after, then you can use the lines like ‘later that night.’ Since it’s a blog/journal, wouldn’t he be writing about the day? So he would be using past tense about what had happened, but it would be ‘tonight’ rather than ‘that night.’ Stuff like that. Also, you kind of think things over as you write. I think he should be adding comments on how he thinks his day was, what things meant. Stuff like that.
Oh, and you do a great job of showing us the gender. I know you said ‘Fat Boy’ last time, but he acts like a boy. Making a character act like a certain gender is difficult.
Will we ever learn his name?
*Thumbs up* Amazing job. You have an addicting style, and I can’t wait for more.
Sorry about the short review; there wasn’t much to say, so I kind of just rambled… O.o Just make sure you throw in some more conflict soon - this will get boring easily.
Last minute thought: be careful not to use 'so' as a transition too much. ;P
Another last minute thought: I would change 'partook of.' It's just...odd, and doesn't match the rest of his voice.
PM me with questions/more for me to critique/the next piece!
~JFW1415
oh my gosh!
this made me laugh,
gahh, this is amazing.
i love how you write about something more different than everyone else.
its shows your uniqueness [sp?]
cant wait to read moree !
I noticed one little thing...
I cursed myself for not bring deodorant to school.
That should be "bringing."
Apart from that, I love your voice! And hey, we all get like that when we run, except not the sweatiness, ew... sorry, I'm a squeaky-clean type... but yeah. I'm really enjoying it!
Nice! This was really funny. You have a great voice.
The only suggestion I have is to try to work some dialog into the piece. Good dialog could add to the already present humor.
Have fun!
OMG, I love this!! It's so easy to relate to, with your smooth and simple writing style. Here's some mistakes I noticed:
You'd mentioned this before in Day 1. It's pretty redundant.
Ermm... What is he doing really? Jogging or running?
There. I can't wait for the 3rd day!
*sigh* Reading this is also a bit depressing. haha. I really need to lose weight.