Fat Boy returns!!!! After JWF1415's persistent bugging. xD. Nah. I love my 'lil Fatty!
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Day Four
Oh God, please tell me I’m not crazy. This is ridiculous! I thought that my life was going to be changed because I listened to a radio talk show. That sounds so stupid, but it’s true. Last night, right after I had written that last entry, I turned on my radio like I always do. It’s sort of like my lullaby, but that in itself seems completely childish.
The talk show was on teen health. (How ironic!) The guest speaker was some pediatrician who specialized in healthy lifestyles. Talk shows bore me to death, however I don’t even remember why I didn’t turn it off. I guess it was something that they said about obese teens.
The guest speaker said that if teens didn’t create a healthy lifestyle now, they could become obese when they grow older, if they aren’t already. I wasn't quite sure if I was obese and wondered if there is a certain weight that you had to reach in order to be classified as such. Anyway, they went on to list three tips for teens to lose weight and become healthier.
The first was take away soda. I was thinking, “Why not take away all of the crappy foods? Why just soda?" She explained that soda was nothing but sugar, carbonated water, salt and caffeine. (Then why do they make soda so dang good?) Soda was among the number one leading foods that make teens become overweight.
I could relate... sorta. I drink a lot of soda. I don’t know why - it’s just the way my boat floats. I mean, seriously, who would rather drink a glass of tasteless water when you could enjoy a nice Dr. Pepper? Come on! Soda tastes so much better.
The pediatrician went on to say that teens drink about thirty-two ounces of pop a day. That’s about two and a half cans a day. She clearly stated that in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, we must limit ourselves down to one soda a week.
One soda a freaking week.
I think I laughed when she said that. No way on earth was I gonna drink only one soda a week. That was crazy. I basically live off of that stuff. To take away that much pop would be hell.
The second step was to know that there were no ‘good’ foods and ‘bad’ foods. There were only unhealthy foods and healthy foods. The talk show host asked, “Why aren't there any bad foods?”
The doctor replied, “Because nothing is bad. There are only unhealthy choices. We could go out to dinner every so often and make some unhealthy choices, but that doesn’t mean the food we eat is bad.”
It made sense – sorta.
The last tip made me roll my eyes: Get active!
That was the last thing I wanted to hear over and over again. I knew for certain that I wasn't magically gonna change. It’s impossible. Even though I beg God every night for me to wake up the next morning and discover that I am thin, it’s not gonna happen.
Then why was it so freaking difficult for me to get up and run or something?
She said, “Teens must get at least sixty minutes of vigorous exercise a day. An example of that is running. It gets your heart rate up above the norm and it keeps it pumping.”
Too easy said, too hard done.
The radio show ended there. I rolled my eyes again and dug my head into my pillow. I bit my lip as hard as I could, wondering why I couldn’t be like everyone else. Weight was such an issue that I couldn’t even go out of my own room without getting the feeling that I was gonna get mocked.
It was becoming too much. I needed to do something. I knew that I had said this a billion times before, but I actually need to do something about it.
Tomorrow, I remember compromising, I will not drink a single can of soda. I will eat fruits and veggies. I’ll try to drink water and I’ll run around the block.
*
Earlier this morning, I ate an apple for breakfast. My chest was so puffed out that day that I was sure that people thought I was growing breasts or something.
“Nah, I told them. “I ate an apple!”
Sure, I got those strange and idiotic glances like I always did, but I thought, “Screw them. What do they know? I’m on my way to lose weight.”
For lunch I chose to eat a salad. I’m not too big on anything green or healthy, but I picked it out from the lunch cart and grinned at the lunch lady as I paid. They gave me those stupid stares again, but I shrugged them off.
The moment I sat down to eat the salad, I smothered it with ranch dressing and furiously dug in. The apple just hadn’t cut it that morning. The salad tasted different than anything I had ever tasted, yet I couldn’t decide if I liked it or not.
After about the second mouthful, I was getting really itchy. It started on my arm and then slowly migrated up to my chest and I was scratching like no other. There was a girl sitting across from me, watching me pile the salad in. When she noticed something on my face she scrunched her face up and pointed at me.
“Ew! What’s that?”
I put my hand up to my cheek and it started to itch like crazy. So I itched it and the girl’s eyes grew wider.
“Dude, you have some kinda rash or something. It’s so gross looking!” the girl said.
*
I found out today, after vomiting up my salad, that I was allergic to mushrooms. Apparently the little buggers had crept into my lunch and I ate them. My mom took me home early that day and I never wanted to eat another salad again.
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My, my, you wonderful reader! Thank you for reading this part of Fat Boy's life. He appreciates it if you would leave a comment also. *wink wink*
End of chapter
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140,534 Literary Works • 673,403 Reviews
Hey BBB! Here I am, once again, after good night's sleep
This is so lightly written it stays interesting, points for that. However, I do have a few nit-picks, and they'll come right here:
I suggest you add a comma after "however".
I think it should be "weren't", I'm not sure though.
Is soda food?
The last sentence flats the wittiness of the previous ones. I'd cut that off completely.
The "sorta" again, aah! I can't stand it!
Huh?
"Dude" doesn't sound like something a girl would say. I suggest to change the last sentence to "It looks so gross!" It flows better.
To infinity – and beyond! That is, to the next chapter!
Demeter xx
I think you need to write a chapter without mentioning weight. You can still show his struggle without bringing it up every line.
Other than that, good job. Keep writing.
Awww, poor Fat Boy! I'm allergic to Penicillin; I couldn't imagine being allergic to mushrooms--- not that I like them myself, but I'm sure they are in a lot of things that I don't know and that I don't want to know about.
Anyway, awesome!
Well, how could I not leave a comment when Fat Boy is begging me to?
I really really like your style. It's so... well, I relate to it. I'm not fat, but I'm not really thin either. Nothing as serious as Fat Boy, of course, but enough to know how he feels. He's got so much personality. It's as if he's real. He just jumps out of the computer, and I see him in all those kind of chubby kids everywhere and I know how they feel. That's why I like what you have to say... it's made me realize how crappy life is when you're like Fat Boy, and I feel so bad for all those kids that get teased about it all the time. So... all I can say is thanks.
Holly
Okay, day four!
I'm sorry, but I really found the talk show guest truly and exasperatingly telling-ish, especially right here. It doesn't sound like a part of the story, it sounds like lecturing the reader, hitting them over the head with a giant health magazine, if you will.
I'm really sorry, I hate having to be so harsh two chapters in a row... ^^; I really do like this story, I just think it would sound a little better with some small changes. Sorry...
This is really just me, probably, but I don't think "gross" sounds like a very realistic reaction, at least for someone out of the second grade. I mean, I get that the MC isn't very popular and his classmates are horrible, insensitive jerks and all that, but I don't think many people would just come out and say it like that. They might think it's gross, and they'd probably say it in a grossed out tone, but I think it would come out more like "Dude, you have some kinda rash or something! Are you okay?" They'd just say it in a really disgusted tone perhaps, while inching away from him in their seat leaning away, and all that. I dunno, probably me and my delusions and all that, but I think people tend to be a bit more... subtle with mockery and dislike, (at least in my experience.)
Anyway, I really liked this chapter other than that, your character remains very likable and your writing very clear... I feel like a broken record, saying this every chapter, but it's quite true. You've done an excellent job, I can't wait to read the next chapter.
Sorry for the awful, unhelpful critique. Guess I'm not as good at this as I thought. XD
Bear - we meet once more, aye? Kudos to you for getting me interested!
quote:
The talk show was on teen health. (How ironic!)
The text in parenthesis should be before the period of the first second, because I am assuming they refer to that.
Quote:
She explained that soda was nothing but sugar, carbonated water, salt and caffeine. (Then why do they make soda so dang good?)
Part in parenthesis barely, barely relates and should still be in the confines of that first sentence. But do add that there, and perhaps rephrase slightly to: (“then why, I though at that point, do they (…)”.
Quote:
I don’t know why - it’s just the way my boat floats.
Nice.
Quote:
I basically live off of that stuff.
Hmm… “live off of” sounds a tad bit awkward, no?
Quote:
Too easy said, too hard done.
Again, I get the feeling that that is awkward.
Quote:
“Nah, I told them.
Your missing ending quotes up there.
Quote:
I put my hand up to my cheek and it started to itch like crazy. So I itched
Itch, itch. You can do something to avoid that.
Okay, time for overall impressions. The balance comes out positively, though that soda part - really? I hate those things. They’re so… ugh.
Anyway.
-> Thoughts as opposed to speech. The first floats, the second’s in bubbles, but visually, they should be different, I think, even in diary entries. “Tomorrow (…(“ <- there the thoughts are in italics, emphasized. That is an example of what I want to see.
-> The way the MC decided to change, without it being abrupt, or rash, or something that was bound to happen and a I-better-do-it-now-and-have-it-done-with attitude.
-> Parenthesis. Watched out for those.
-> Last part was terrific.
Cheers,
Esme
Anyway, I thought this was waaaaayyyy too tell-y. Get what I'm saying? It's all really well done, except that the whole radio talk show was purely telling us. The last part about school was good, and funny. Keep it that way, okay? I'm gonna miss Fat Boy when he's over.
I didn't catch any grammar mistakes. It was awesome to read, anyway.
Cya!
:Sythe:
Don't people that are that fat already have breasts, sort of? Man boobs?
Other than that, I love this!
I haven't read this yet? Woah...
This seems awkwardly worded. How about 'please don't tell me I'm crazy'. I think it flows better.This annoys me too. How about 'I thought my life would change... all because I listened to a radio talk show.' See what I mean? I felt before it was a little forced upon the reader, there were far too many verbs for my liking.
I think this is unnecessary. This isn't the place where you connect two sentences with a conjunction. I would take it out, if it were 'however' you would be offering something to the contrary of the first part.
I found this a little repetitive, it seems to say the same basic point over and over again. The last sentence definitely forces the reader too much.
I would recommend reordering this paragraph, for example:
"I laughed at that point. No way was I gonna drink only one soda a week. Simply crazy."
It shortens it down a lot and doesn't inflate something that doesn't need to be, eh?
Speech mark
I could see nothing else in the way of issues here from a first read, so good job on that. My concerns would be that this felt quite forced. You started off using a lot of verbs per sentence, and various infinitives misused. This wasn't my favourite so far, but not a bad job. I must see some action soon though, it is getting very calm. I'll have a look at day five now - keep it up!
Good luck,
Mark
Hey, 3B! I noticed it was up and thought I would be prompt, haha. I apologize for anything I repeat, btw.
And I'm at school, so who knows if I'll get through this crit. 
We have three verbs in here, I think, so they should be in the same tense, yes? Was may make more sense than is, but I did just wake up two hours ago, haha.
My English teacher would even hug you 'cause you got the punctuation here correct! Awesome job!
This seems to deserve a but or however or even though because the sentence behind the semi contradicts the first sentence.
We switched tenses here.
Insert an as such[i] or something like that. It was kind of left hanging.
You forgot to close quotes.
The first dash doesn't seem to belong. It looks like you want dramatic effect, which I would suggest ellipses. Then you can have that dash JFW didn't like.
Dr. Pepper ftw!
This happened just last night. Does he have bad memory?
You had two tag-verb-things which was weird?
You say [i]that a lot.
Overall
This was a neat part. It made me feel fat 'cause I drink Dr. Pepper all the time.
Great job, and I can't wait to read more!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
Hey! You spelled my name wrong! Haha, glad I forced you to write this.
But you're supposed to PM me when you do, remember?
Nit-Picks
This is correct, but slows us down too much.
Shouldn’t it be ‘thought?’
Suggestion: ‘wrote.’
You really switched subjects here, and then again right after. It threw me off.
What’s with the quotes?
The dashes do get annoying – I’d just turn this into a comma.
Me! ;P I hate soda, love water.
It’s supposed to be ‘aren’t.’ You may be doing this on purpose, but shouldn’t such an important person know this?
The tense is messed up a bit here, but I don’t really know which you wanted…
Why’d that happen?
Italics, not quotes. Or at least ' and '.
Who’s speaking? The ‘dude’ makes me think it’s not the girl…
Overall Comments
I'm not sure how I feel about this one. Nothing too profound happened, and it seemed a bit rushed. Maybe split it into two entries? Also, I would like a bit more description. It is a journal, so he won't describe everything, but right now it seems flat.
I love the dialogue, though!
Nice job, as always. I'm in love with this little fatty character.
PM me for anything! Sorry about the short critique - I'm low on time.
~JFW1415