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E - Everyone

~You & Me

by BibiFern123a

A Boy Meets A Girl

I, For You & You, For Me

It's Just Beginning

You Smile When I Laugh

I Pout When You Pinch My Cheeks

Yet We Both Feel Glad

And If You Read This

You Know I Will Have To Ask

Why Ask Out My Dad?

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304 Reviews

Points: 22897
Reviews: 304

Sun May 26, 2013 9:27 am
barefootrunner wrote a review...

Hi there!
barefootrunner here to review :) Welcome to YWS! I hope you enjoy your time here!

Okay, firstly, a haiku only has one 575 pattern, not three like you have here. You have written three haikus and latched them together. Not a haiku anymore...

Secondly, haikus are more about nature themes and contain special words (researching this is really interesting) that change the meaning somewhat. For example, if you put a dash — on the end of the last line, it signifies a circle, something that will repeat itself.

But I don't think you really did this to write a serious haiku, more for a bit of fun, right?

Okay, now to the logic and poem itself. I feel like I'm missing out on a joke in here. The readers don't know what you're talking about. So you have to ask yourself whether you wrote this poem for yourself or for the readers. If the first, if you want people to read it, I suggest you make it a little more reader-friendly. It's worth the effort. If it's an inside joke, no-one will be able to enjoy it like it is meant to be enjoyed, which would be rather sad, don't you think?

So a cute poem, but it needs work to make it reader-suitable.

Keep writing!

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121 Reviews

Points: 1832
Reviews: 121

Fri Apr 05, 2013 7:03 pm
WritingWolf wrote a review...

Hello and welcome to YWS!
I'm here to talk about your writings. :)

First off, I'm not sure how this is supposed to rhyme. I don't know if you were trying for a good rhyme or not. But I can tell you that it sound like there should be a nice rhyming scheme going on, but I can only here it sometimes.

I think the beginning would sound/flow better if you did something like "Boy Meets Girl" instead of "A Boy Meets A Girl"

I really like the second line.

This part "I Pout When You Pinch My Cheeks" just doesn't seem to flow right with the rest. I don't really have any ideas on what you could put instead, but I think it needs tweaking.

I'm really not quite sure what this poem is about though. Is there any way you could make things just a little clearer? I feel like it should be obvious, but I have no idea what it's about.

I think you did a good job. :D
There were several lines that I really liked a lot.

Keep up the good work!

BibiFern123a says...

This was just a Haiku that I wrote in creative writing class, I was just writing it randomly as a silly thing for my bf & me. I wasn't really trying to rhyme at all, sorry if the haiku made you think I was trying to rhyme. I had to do the 5-7-5 technique & I had to shorten my sentences. The last line was just a small inside joke that happened with my dad & bf.

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241 Reviews

Points: 286
Reviews: 241

Tue Apr 02, 2013 9:16 pm
Jonathan wrote a review...

Hello welcome YWS it looks like I am the first to review I hope that it helps you. :D

Know what is just beginning here

It's Just Beginning
. :?

Sorry this is not making much sense to me like why ask out my dad and you capitalized to much. :)

But your spelling and stuff was okay. :D

Good luck and keep writing. :)

I hope you had a great Easter let me know if you need and help. :D

~Jon~ :D

BibiFern123a says...

Oh The thing is that I just capitalize on purpose so the lines will stand out, like you have just pointed out. And what I am referring to at the line "It's Just Beginning" was in reference to the first two lines, when you feelings occur between between a boy & girl this is what I call "The Beginning". Also the last line with the line "Why ask out my dad?" was simply an inside joke that happened with my Dad & Boyfriend.

BibiFern123a says...

Oops wrote between twice, I'm sorry :)

And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
— Bartimaeus of Uruk