My last poem wasn't greatly received, so here goes.
Take away my freedom
Lock me in a box
Keep me against my will
With a thousand locks
Do you even care
What I say anymore
Why must you sigh and tell me
You've heard it all before?
Feeling so alone now
Just thinking all the time
Trying to find a reason
Talking only in rhyme
Was I like this in the past
Now I can't even tell
Did you do this to me
Or was I destined for hell?
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Here comes Lee to drop off a quick review!
This piece is still in the Green Room, technically, so let's take it out.
To begin with, I enjoyed the rhyme scheme. Sometimes a poem can be held back by its rhyme, but that isn't so in this case. You've done a pretty good job here. I also like the vagueness in this poem; clearly the narrator is suffering somehow, but you haven't specified how, exactly. Leaving that to the readers can be tricky, seeing as how every reader will derive something unique, but since what I took away from this poem sat well with me, I'm going to say well done!
Now, allow me a few nitpicks.
Why?
Clearly the person being addressed did hurt the narrator, so... unnecessary.
PUNCTUATION. This poem needs it. It really does. Every stanza would have so much more gravity and power with punctuation, in my opinion. And some parts are also confusing because it's tricky to figure out where one sentence begins and another ends.
I'm going to copy the whole poem, then add punctuation as I see fit, and remove capitalization; here goes.
I also tweaked a few other bits. Anyway, overall this poem is pretty good, and I hope you're still writing, wherever you are!
- Lee
I just want to point out that this poem is slightly more than three years old and that the member is no longer active on YWS.
i loved the ending "Or was I destined for hell?" good job! *gives a thumbs up*
You had good rythem. The intent was clear. The subject made me stop and think. (That's a good thing.) You should keep it up. nice job.
I really liked it. The third verse I thought was perhaps your weakest. Maybe you should revise the last line of that part.
I usually hate rhyning in poetry too, but this rhyming did have a point. Read the last line of the third stanza! Anyway, I thought the poem was good. Keep it up!
I like the idea behind this, but I am greatly opposed to rhyming in poetry (personal taste issue). I feel that often times it can deplete the energy of the piece. Poetry doesn't need to rhyme to be good, and it feels like in your case it's rhyming just for the sake of the rhymes...they serve no purpose in the piece except to maintain the sing-song rhythm (something I also have strong issues with).
Rhymes should serve a purpose...to create a strong emphasis on a certain word or idea that the poet wants to highlight.
Like I said, I really like the images this evokes, but I think it could be stronger if you kept the theme and eliminated the rhyme scheme....
I love it! It rhymes beautifully and conveys a message. Great!
~Skye Demon
Keep up this great work!
Thanks guys.
Very encouraging.
Agreed, this is good!
well, serious poems dont always go so well when rhyming,but this one was really good--it didn't sound forced or like you were trying to rhyme. dont change a thing!