Published November 20, 2004
Uh, kind of a depressing poem, was trying something new...
Alone again in so much pain
Wondering why I have to cry
And take all of this strain
Lying hurt in the dirt
A situation of damnation
Is always a dead cert
In this life full of strife
The only way I can stay
Is with the help of a knife
When I need it now and then
Though people say it's not okay
They're just ordinary men
Who don't know how it goes
The simple fact is life's an act
And my smile's just a pose
So what do you think?
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140,099 Literary Works • 672,999 Reviews
Hii!! Hop here with a review. Now, we don't judge that I'm reviewing something so old... I’m still working on making my reviews longer so thank you for being patient with me. I hope this helps even just a little bit.
This poem was really heavy and honest. I could feel the pain in every line and it made me stop for a second before even knowing what to say. The way it opens with “Alone again in so much pain” sets the tone right away. It’s like the speaker is already tired before the poem even begins and that exhaustion carries through the whole piece.
The rhyme made everything feel tight and trapped which kind of matched the emotion. Like the structure itself felt like a cage. “A situation of damnation is always a dead cert” was such a strong line. It felt final and hopeless and I think that’s exactly what you were going for.
The knife line was intense. I don’t want to overstep but I just want to say I hear you. That part didn’t feel thrown in for shock—it felt real and raw and like something the speaker has been sitting with for a long time. And then the line about people not understanding because they’re just ordinary men made it clear that the speaker feels judged and alone in their experience. That really stuck with me.
The ending was quiet but powerful. “Life’s an act and my smile’s just a pose” hit hard. It felt like the speaker is performing just to survive and that’s something a lot of people feel but don’t say out loud. You said it.
I think this poem was brave. It didn’t try to soften anything or make it easier to read. It just told the truth and let it sit there. And I really respect that.
I hope you continued to write and stayed amazing!!
Love,
Hop
Well, I'm not going to say that it's depressing because I want this to be an honest and neutral review. I want to begin with the, of course, the beginning.
It reels the reader in with the anticipation of learning what is causing the pain that you're left alone with. It really had me wondering what is going to come next, why the pain, why alone.
Line two was even better multiplying my suspense tenfold.
It left me also wondering, why you have to cry. Did someone hit you? Were you suffering from mental trauma?
Line three was the final hook that fully caught, all my attention.
This line had me fully wondering what was causing the strain, it added another question to the plethora that I already had. It had me on the edge of my seat wanting to read more.
I'm going to skip ahead to line nine.
This line struck me as odd. I wasn't a hundred percent certain what you meant by it but from what I can infer it seems to be suggesting that the narrator has experimented with self-harm. I don't know if that's what you meant but that really made the mood of the poem a lot more sinister and dark. After reading the rest of the poem, I've concluded that what started as an innocent collection of poetic verses became a gruesome work of a helpless and hopeless mind.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!! A little bit of a disclaimer, I'm not someone that usually reviews poetry, this is for the checklist challenge...so I'll do my best to give a bit of how this made me feel and what I think the meaning of this might be.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Alrighty, so on the surface it sounds like this is someone that's having a bit of a hard time in life or is at least suggesting that something about the world is out to get them and the only way that they can combat these attacks is through a knife despite it not being something that's considered good. It seems like this person is almost fighting the world there if you look at things literally with a fake smile but being a bit broken underneath. Its a very interesting message right there.
If I go into a bit more depth, it looks like this person is talking about perhaps the fact that there's some people out to kill this person or something along those lines and this person chooses to fight back and kill them in turn, which is well definitely something frowned upon but could be the only way for this man to remain alive here...all in all, lots of things to potentially think about here. It is a pretty interesting poem.
Also..uhh one thing I noticed is that you've just only capitalized the first letter of every line there, now I'm no expert at this but, I thought I'd drop this set of tips here on the ways you can capitalize things in poems.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
The more I read it, the more I start to get it. The way it's written is kind of odd, but that's not a bad thing! You have a different way of wording and I love it! I especially liked the lines:
In this life full of strife
The only way I can stay
Is with the help of a knife
It uses very good wording. Keep writing and try to pour more emotion into it, and I think you'll be great! -ThatGirl
Hmm.. I can't say I loved this, but I have taken a liking to it. The poem flows along as it tells the story, which is sad to say, a depressing one- I'm not a fan of depressing stuff.
I like your last line, I think it;s really clever. How a pose never has any feel to it, it's just for the camera or people around you - just like a strained or forced smile.
But yes, it's good.
Your style here was interesting. It reminded me of tenis. I liked the ending, but I'd suggest using more vivid imagery throughout, to really make this yours.The last three lines flowed perfectly, and had an almost musical feel to them, but I felt that the rest of the poem was a little weak in comaparison.(Except for the lovely tenis lines.Sorry, internal rhyme lines.They just made me think of tenis.)
I liked the flow and rhythm of the poem.
However it was jut in many ways a bit of a teen angst poem. It is possible to write depressing poetry with it sounding angsty.
My favourite part was my smile is just a pose. It is a fantastic use of imagery and I love imagery.
I think you could be a great poet and write depressing poems just try to make it sound a little more mature.
~Ferris~
I LOVED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRAVO!!! BROVO!!!!!
The ryhiming was great and it flowed perfectly!!!
Great job! I really liked this except it got me tongue tied. The rhyming was to forced. Manay good poems do not rhyme! Anyway, great job....
Thanks for the advice everyone. Hope it helps me improve my writing.
I really like the second half. The whole poem has a very unique rhythm. But the first half of it didn't really catch my attention. Depressing can be a good thing, but the problem with depressing is that it's hard to make unique. -penny
I think this is a really good poem and i dont know exactly but i think it has a sort of emotive factor thing goin on. I liked the way it wasn't hugely depressing but that you made it depressing my not stating anything but just letting the reader 'guess' what you were talking about. I loved it and i feel i can really relate to it too.
Oh, this was just a beautiful, beautiful flow. I loved ever piece of it! Don't change 1 thing!
Definitely depressing, lol.
I agree with faith, the rhyme scheme is awkward and surprising (although thats not necessarily a bad thing, it does read kind of stilted). You could try rewriting it with a more conventional rhythm; a b a b or a b c b or something. It would make more sense and flow a lot better that way. I did like the last two lines, though - "The simple fact is life's an act
And my smile's just a pose ". Very powerful.
Another thing I would like to point out too is that with your structure, maybe you could try evening it out as well - like, if you're trying to say something specific, group the ideas in categories and deal with them in a logical order, coz as it is the poem seems to jump around a lot, although that could just be because of the unusual rhyming.
Overall, its quite a good poem, definitely has some potential to be dramatic and moving - the emotion is there. It just needs to be smoothed out a bit and perhaps a touch of subtlety. In its present form, it lacks depth - by which I mean that the meaning of the words is always plain. Again, not necessarily a bad thing, but you might want to try to stretch the ideas in a different direction. I dunno - could be just me.
I'm not the worlds greatest poet, in fact I'm really bad at it, and don't now anything about them. But this poem deffinately reminds me of me. Just thiught I'd say that.
the rhyme scheme seemed a little awkward to me...like, there kept being rhymes when you didnt expect them, and then you'd expect something to rhyme and it didn't. but youre very good at finding clever words to rhyme within the same line i.e. 'situation of damnation,' just try to even the rythm out a bit.
I really like that last line!!!! Sort of reminds me of... me.