Beep. Beep. It was time, I had hoped they couldn't find me. I guess it was inevitable my ship had recklessly crashed into a house on Earth. I was running from the most powerful and deadly army in the universe the alarm on the monitor told me i only had seconds to hide. I scrambled down the metal stairs, "Clumsy human feet," I muttered under my breath; my body had transformed into the most intelligent form on this planet. I was an alien here, I prayed I could fool my tracker who didn't have my luxury. Soon the hard metal was replaced with soft carpet. I was in the house now, I let my eyes adjust for only a moment.
The room had a computer of a lesser quality than one that was Nybot made. A TV occupied the opposite side of the room, slightly hidden in the corner. Papers and glass were scattered all over the floor. A couch, appeared overturned but it would be difficult to conceal my body behind. My heart pounded knowing only to well that Boyer, a solider and hunter from Roitart, would come down stairs. The alarm on my ship reverberated until it was silenced by a greater sound, the throbbing hum of a Roitartian ship. I scrambled behind the TV held by a small wooden stand. I clenched my teeth to conceal my breathing and grabbed my feet to form a undetectable and awkward ball.
My feet felt wet as if I had stepped in something soft and oozing. I scraped my naked feet but the fluid kept returning. I finally squeezed my hand around the now tender skin and then pressed my fingers to my lips. The taste seemed almost metallic, I gasped. Blood. Had I left a trial? I peered around the edge of the wooden stand. Empty. Boyer must have been searching my ship for me and the information I withdrew from any Roitart. They only rule that still hung its heavy law above our heads was, eternal enemies never formed alliances and forced peace is always war. I withdrew from my hiding place and forced my uncomfortable body on its hands and knees. I searched, from what little light was provided, for the trail. Bits of glass next to me reflected red marks. I hastily overturned them; making high pitch chimes of shattered glass echo to the enemy. The light faded as Boyer walked down the metal staircase. I scurried back, behind the TV and held my breath. Boyer was here and I was unprepared.
He hissed as his heavy boots crunched the glass. I slowly exhaled and peered around the corner. I saw him standing where I had stood only moments ago. His posture was more aggressive; the faded blue color to his skin seemed alien. His hands clenched and released in a rhythmic pattern. I would not look at his eyes, cruel and sinister Roitartian eyes, I knew they would be burning coal, black and fiery as night. I shoved my body back knocking the chips of glass. I froze. It was quiet aside from the repetitious warning my ship repeated.
Boyer laughed and I inhaled. The task I had been chosen for would never be completed. I closed my eyes and waited for the worst, I imagined Boyer's slender face inches from mine, smiling cruelly. The glass snapped and became grains of painful dust as Boyer stepped closer. I listened more intently, his breathing was heavy was the poison oxygen filled his lungs. One other sound caught my attention, the easy hum of a weapon, a gun I knew only too well. The sound of it's propeller as it spun and a single click of the trigger made me inhale and open my eyes.
I felt the heat radiate from the couch as it sizzled and popped, flames expanded to the ceiling and transformed the white into charred black. There was only one more place to look before I was found. His shoes, matted with broken glass scraped the shards as he took very deliberate steps towards the TV, to my hiding place, to me.
"Lieutenant Boyer! Please come in!" He hesitated, his weight ground the litter as he stood, "Lieutenant Boyer!" The voice repeated more loudly this time.
"Yes?" He said, speaking into a device I couldn't see. He walked away whispering quietly into the air. His voice hissed soft words into the receiver. I closed my eyes and listened as his boots rubbed into the glass embedded carpet. His voice trailed off as he slithered to the other side of the room. I hoped that his mumbled words would create a coherent sentence. My chest rose and fell, he was the ultimate hunter, I was cornered. He knew it, I knew it, and I could not escape.
An instant crack above me caught my attention as little pellets of water pounded on the broken residence. His signal would be lost with his superior officer unless he found another form of communication. I carefully planted my palms on the wicked shards, I felt the piercing presser as the broke my thin skin, embedding themselves uncomfortably into my hands. My eyes blurred as a single drop of water spilled from them. I pushed down on the glass harder so I could look around the small feeble wooden stand to view my soon to be murderer. Boyer was seated and attempted to use the computer to pass information. His hands thrummed the desk anxiously as he waited.
I looked up the stairs, which served as an exit in the middle of the room for both him and me. I stared at the ground now as the rain beat fists of water on the remains of the roof and the fire crackled next to me, there was no place for the bare feet to find relief. I glanced at a larger piece of glass, the fires bright light burned back to me, it was the only way. I decided. As soon as the material I saw in the large shard ignited, I would run. I would flee to my ship and lock the door. The blaze seemed to dance around the cotton pattern, avoiding the very spot that would launch me into flight. Ash floated around the light, lading softly, like downy.
I stole a glance at Boyer, who was still gazing into the labyrinth of the monitor. I reassessed how I was going to run without being heard, he was only a few feet at most from me. The rain would not allow me to speak, it was not loud enough. Looking down at the mirror, the reflected image of the cloth began to spark, and the fire drank the color of the couch. One last glance at Boyer's still face I ran, ignoring the fact that if I was heard he would kill me. I was surprised how light on my feet I was, the glass hadn't moved beneath me.
I reached the first step and was abducted by fear, my heart pounded loudly as I pivoted on the carpet to confirm my safety. I sighed, he was still staring at the monitor but inside the frame was a reflection of eyes I knew only to well staring back at me. My stomach dropped. I licked my dry lips. Starting at those vile eyes I ran. I could hear him pursuing me. I tripped on the wet, slick, floor scraping the top of my foot and falling on my hands, almost hitting my head on the elaborate staircase. The wood railing next to me transformed into charcoal black with a a gaping cavity. The bullets rapidly embedding themselves on the banister i covered my head and sprinted. My lungs seemed always empty, legs unrested. I looked back at my hunter as I rounded a corner to my ship, his flaming eyes were to close, his fingers were too happy on the trigger. I saw patience in his wicked smile; I knew he would wait until he was close enough to strike.
I scurried into my ships cabin, diving on the metallic floor and reaching my arms out until I slid next to my chair. I grabbed the gun and shot back. He dodged into the hall. The open door was vacant. It stood menacingly almost beckoning me to it. Desiring me to peer around the edge of the frame and find my greatest fear. A Roitartian hunter. I scrambled onto the chair, and turned my ship on, typing foreign keys on a computer pad. Placing my gun on the counter I listened closely as iron bullet castings fell to the ground, his gun was loaded. I heard the shot but did not feel the impact, my leg gave way and I toppled to the ground. Boyer stood in the middle of the door way, his eyes set on me and gun facing the floor.
"I'm sorry Reva," he mocked. He stepped forward, as if he wanted to see my face at a closer distance when he shot. I reached back where I left my gun and fired. He lunged back and screeched, clutching his left eye. I fired again, this time at the key pad next to the door. It shut and loud banging from the other side echoed, as if he was pounding on the door. Lighting cracked, and Boyer's wails shattered through the door to my ears making my hair stand on end.
"Computer!" I shouted, "Take us as far as we can go!" I sat at my desk, my ship hummed as it detached from the broken house. I examined my leg. "Just a graze..." I mumbled. Beams crashed onto my ship as I attempted to free myself from what would be a very unfamiliar grave.
"Ship power is low, will not be able to leave atmosphere." The computer stated. The sky outside screamed and streams of hard water whipped my broken ship. My glorious ship finally rose above the roof, into the stormy night. Boyer's ship was casually sprawled on the lawn. The feared Roitartian symbol pasted on his ship told me I could not hide, but I would try running.
"Computer!" I ordered, my last plan stirring in my head, "Fire!"
I knew that would completely drain all of my ships energy. I felt it pulling back, sucking any form of power; from the lights, the medical unit, and the excess oxygen. The artificial lights flickered as I ran through a narrow hall until I reached a pod. I was cramped and not meant for a human body. My ship lurched as Boyer fought back, I fell into the wall. My nose bled. The lights flickered again until the remaining bulbs were dim, it started draining energy again. Preparing for what would be the final shot; I buckled myself in and grabbed the pod door.
"Computer! Self destruct!" I commanded, slamming the door. My last escape and chance to destroy Boyer had become my last mission. My secret would die with me. I heard the count down and inhaled as his rapid fire rocked what was left of my protection. Three. The bullets blended in sync with the thunder creating a perfect symphony of chaos. Two. The rain pounded and I could not tell if it was my heart....my mind, raging or the storm outside tossing my body. One. I pressed the escape button in my small unusual pod. Then the world went black.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
Hi! First off, let me just say that I'm very sorry it's taken me so long to review this. You've already received some excellent reviews, so there's not much for me to say now.
The main thing I noticed with this story is your style of writing. You seem to have trouble knowing where to place punctuation marks and when to start a new sentence. It feels like you're rushing through the story at times, just from the way that you wrote it. My suggestion would be to read it aloud, and that should hopefully help you distinguish the spots where you need to take a pause or even a full break (in other words, start a new sentence).
It also felt like you did a lot of telling throughout the story instead of showing; granted, it can be difficult to show everything when you're writing in first person, but it's generally good to try and avoid telling.
I really can't say much else that hasn't already been said. Good luck with your future endeavors! Cheers. (:
daannngg girl you did good. I hope your friend loves it and omg haha Boyer is my last name. *starts rolling on the floor laughing*oh the irony omg haha. Sorry Thats just so funny and uncommon its funny. Good luck and Happy Writing I plan to read more later ^^ Keep up the good work
Soulkana<3
Wow that was a really good story! I just had some few nitpicks though.
You may need to read your story aloud and look for place where you could put commas. I noticed in a lot of sentences there were places for commas that just kept going. And it would be perfect in the story, if not for the fact that, as the reader, I had no background on the character, or even the story. I don't understand where they are, who she is, where are they in time, who is the person she is trying to fight/kill and why. I mean, I get his name, but why is she trying to kill him, and what is he? Is this in the future, the past, on another planet? I'd really like to know.
If you want to keep the story but still write the background without ruining the plot, it is always good to write in italics a little prolouge/introduction.
Other than that, I bet that your friend will die with excitement/joy/amazement/thankfullness when they read this.
Have fun,
Sionarama
Hello there, I'm here as requested!
I'm sorry it took so long for reviewing, I didn't have time... And now that I took so long, there's nothing left to say in the nitpicks department.
Plot wise, it's good and I like it, but there's a few things missing. For one, what is she/he (I'm nor sure which it is) trying to escape. I know it's a 'hunter', but why is he hunting her? You mention a secret at the end... Is this it? In my opinion, you should give us a little more information on why the guy is hunting her. You don't have to tell us all about it, if you'd rather keep it a 'secret', but I still think a little information, as in an events that links it back to it or something like that would help. Also, I'm a little confused on how they both ended up in a house when they both had a boat... You might also want to clear this up in making an allusion on what had been happening before they ended up in the house. Or even just make the MC remember her running away or whatever it was...
I'm more then confused on all the things around the main story, which is great. But without the information to complete it, it's confusing.
Hope I helped!
-Other One
Berlynn (awesome name, BTW),
This was a great story!! Everyone else took care of the nitpicks, but I know how important this is to you and your friend, so I'll see what I can do with the notes I took.
There was a little confusion about what exactly Boyer is, and how he can breathe oxygen if it's poisoning to him. And then, does the main character only talk through water?? Boyer, is an impeccably designed antagonist. Very good! He's very creepy.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Wait...... it's ocer? Whew, I scared myself for a minute there.
What an adrenaline rush. heck, I dont even know what Boyer is, but he sketches me out. Big time. *Shivers* eek. Your friend is gonna love this, and if she (or maybe he) doesnt, well that's too bad for that person because they're missing out on something awesome so there. lol.
All right! So first of all, here...on the second sentence. I would make it: "It was time; I hoped they couldn't find me."
A semi-colon would work better than a comma there.
"I guess it was inevitable my ship had recklessly..." I would suggest putting a "that" after inevitable.
"...monitor told me i had only seconds to hide." Capitalize the i.
'I scrambled down the stairs, "Clumsy human feet," I muttered...' Put a period after stairs.
"I was in the house now, I let my eyes adjust for only a moment." I would suggest putting an "and" after the comma.
"A couch, appeared overturned but it would be difficult to conceal my body behind." Hmm...this is gramatically and punctually incorrect. I would suggest rewriting this sentence, perhaps like this: "The couch was overturned, though it would be difficult to conceal my body behind."
"My heart pounded knowing only to well that Boyer, a soldier..." Put a comma after pounded, and then "to" should be "too."
"...silenced by a greater sound, the throbbing..." I would but a dash instead of a comma there, but that's just me lol.
"I scrambled behind the TV held by a wooden stand. I clenched my teeth to conceal my breathing and grabbed my feet to form a undetectable and awkward ball." I would put these two together, perhaps something like this: "I scrambled behind the TV [you don't need to add the information on the stand], clenching my teeth to stifle my breathing. I grabbed my feet, forming an undetectable and awkward ball." See what I mean?
"My feet felt wet as if I had stepped in something. I scraped my naked feet but the fluid kept returning." Put a comma after wet...and then, you say "feet" twice. Perhaps a different word would suffice...? Because being repetitive is never good!
"The taste seemed almost metallic, I gasp." I would put an "and" after the comma there.
Ooh, this is getting intense!
Hmm...in the second and third sentence here, I wouldn't start with "I" both times. Maybe in the third sentence you could write it something like: "He stood where I had been only moments ago."
I wouldn't say color when describing his skin, but maybe "fue" or "tinge." But that's just me
"I would not look at his eyes, cruel and sinister Roitartian eyes, I knew they would..." Hmm. I would put a "because" or a "for" before the "I knew."
Good description there.
"I shoved my body back knocking the chips of glass." Put a comma after "back."
Should quite be quiet? I'm not too sure...lol.
"I listened more intently, his breath was heavy was the poison oxygen filled his lungs." I would make this: "I listened more intently; his breath became more heavy as the poison oxygen filled his lungs."
"The sound of it squealing as it spun and a single click of the trigger made of inhale and open my eyes." Hmm...this sounds gramatically incorrect, somehow...maybe rewrite this one? Oh, and you say "inhale" twice in this paragraph. Perhaps you should fix that? Your choice.
"...flames expanded to the ceiling and transformed the white into charred black." I would make this a separate sentence.
I like how his shoes were "matted with broken glass"
Uh, oh. Is he gonna find her?! o:
Hmmm...just a thought, but I would change this paragraph around. Maybe to something like this: "Lieutenant Boyer! Please come here!" The voice paused, on the brink of hesitating, and the person's/man's (?) weight ground the litter as he stood. "Lieutenant Boyer!" he shouted, more loudly this time.
See what I mean? Because you can't just say "him" or "come in," lol. We don't know exactly what's going on yet.
All right...now this I don't really understand. Where is the man that was calling for him? That is kind of confusing...might want to fix that
"Yes?" He said... Don't capitalize "he."
"My chest rose and fell, he was the ultimate hunter, I was cornered." Put a semi-colon after "fell," and then put an "and" after the comma that goes after "hunter."
An instant? I would make it just "a crack."
"I carefully planted my palms on the wicked shards, I felt the piercing presser as the broke my thin skin..." I would make this: "I carefully planted my palms on the wicked shards, feeling the glass pierce my thin skin."
"My eyes blurred as a single drop of water spilled from them." I would call it a tear, not just water.
Maybe she should say "so I could look around the TV"?
"Boyer was seated and attempted to use..." Attempting, not attempted.
I would say you don't need to add "in the middle of the room," because I'm sure we the readers would assume where it is
"...there was no place for my bare feet to find relief." I would make this a separate sentence.
"I glanced at the larger piece of glass, the fires bright light burned back to me, it was the only way." I don't exactly understand this one...
Ooh, she's going to explode something! Awesome; I love explosions.
"...without being heard, he was only a few feet at most from me." I would put a semi-colon after "heard," instead of a comma. "At most." Hmm. I would put "away" instead.
"One last glance at Boyer's still face I ran..." I would start it like: "With one last look at Boyer's still face, I ran..."
"...on my feet I was, the glass..." I would put a semi-colon, not a comma.
"I sighed, he was still staring a the monitor but inside the frame was a reflection of his eyes I knew only to well staring back at me." Hmmm...I would make this: "I sighed; he was still staring at the monitor, but inside the frame was a reflection of the eyes I knew only too well. They were locked onto me, I realized, and my stomach took a plunge." See?
"Starting at those vile eyes I ran." Staring, I think...add a comma after "eyes."
"...floor scraping the top of my foot..." Put a comma after "floor."
"The bullets rapidly embedding themselves on the banister i covered my head..." Embedding...I would put "embedded." I would write it as, "...on the banister as I covered my head..." Capitalize the "I," by the way.
"My lungs seemed always empty..." I would take out the "always."
"...his flaming eyes were to close." I would make this a separate sentence, and add another o to "to."
"I shuffled into my ships cabin..." Apostrophy in "ships."
"It stood menacingly almost beckoning me to it." Comma after "menacingly."
"...find my greatest fear. A Roitartian hunter." I would put a : thing instead of a comma, after "fear." Then you won't need to capitalize the "A," and you won't have so many short, choppy sentences there. =D
"Placing my gun on the counter I listened..." Comma after "counter."
"...fell to the ground, his gun was loaded." Semi-colon instead of a comma! lol.
"...feel the impact, my leg..." I would make these separate sentences.
"I'm sorry Reva" He mocked. ...This should be: "I'm sorry, Reva," he mocked.
"...to my ears making my hair stand on end." Comma after "ears."
No comma after "shouted"!!! lol.
Make a new paragraph after the second thing she says, 'kay?
"...at my desk, my ship hummed..." Either put a semi-colon or an "and."
"Ships power is low, will not be able to leave atmosphere." The computer stated.
Apostrophy in "ships," maybe make the dialogue two sentences, put a comma after "atmosphere," and don't capitalize "the."
No comma after "head"!!! lol.
"I was cramped and not meant for a human body." Should the first word here be "It"?
"...fought back, I fell into the wall." Semi-colon! lol.
"...were dim, it started draining energy again." I would make these separate sentences, or put an "and."
"Preparing for what would be the final shot. I buckled myself in..." I would put a comma after "shot," joining the two sentences.
"My last escape and chance to destroy Boyer could as become my last mission." I don't exactly understand this one here...maybe rewrite it?
You use the word "inhaled" so much...perhaps you should use different words? Like "held my breath" or something.
"...sync with the thunder creating..." Comma after "thunder."
"...if it was my heart....my mind, raging or the storm outside tossing my body." This I don't understand too well, either.
"I pressed the escape button in my small unusual pod." Comma after "small." Andddd...we're good!
All right. So I highlighted all of my comments in red, for ya
You did a very good job on this, although it took quite a while--nearly half an hour--to review this xD!!! I scourged the entire thing for mistakes, lol. I'm really looking forward to seeing the edited version of this! Good work, keep it up! I'm sure your friend is going to love it.
Hi! Sorry I've taken so long getting this to you. Things have been rather hectic for me of late. I'm not sure how much help I'll be after all the reviews you've already gotten, but I'll do my best.
That should be "ship's" because it's possessive. You do this on several occasions throughout the piece, and I found it somewhat distracting.Anyhow--as everyone else has already pointed out, you have a lot of grammar issues here. There are lots of little typos and run-on sentences and such that really should be taken care of in a final draft. I'm not going to point them all out right now, because that would take a long time and it would be rather tedious both for you and for me--but if you need any help with that, just let me know. One technical thing I will point out, though, is that you need to pay attention to your apostrophes. Take this for example:
Overall, I think you have a good base here. You've obviously got a lot of ideas for the world and how things work there, which is great. It really feels like there's more to the world than what you've included in the story, and I love that because I get the sense that it's a real place and I'm just seeing a glimpse of it. You mention technology and things that I don't know about as though I did know about them, which helps make it feel like you're talking about a place that is very real--I just haven't been there. Nice.
My main problem with this piece is that I don't feel connected with the main character (MC). At all. He/she (I don't even know that, do I?) goes through these things which could be very interesting but, frankly, I found it hard to make myself care. I just don't know enough about your MC enough because I don't know enough about them. I'd like to see the more personal/emotional side as well as the action-y side, because right now you've only got the latter and I found myself skimming a bit.
So. How do fix this? My suggestion would be to add more emotions in. Let us know more about the intricacies of what MC is feeling--and not only what they are feeling, but why they are feeling it. I really want to know more about your MC so I can relate to them more. Maybe add in some back-story? How did he/she even get onto that ship in the first place? Is this his/her job? Is this his/her first time doing something like this? You mention that he/she was chosen for this task, but I'd like to know more about that--does he/she get chosen for things like this very often? How does he/she feel about being chosen? You don't have to go over-the-top with all this; a little would go a long way.
All in all, good job. You've got a lot going for you here--but I really just think that a little personal stuff along with the action would help the piece a lot, because it would give us a reason to read it other than just for an exciting story--to get to know the character.
PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions or want me to clarify anything!
Beamishly,
a
I think this is really good, but you could do with a few overall grammar and spelling checks. A few lines could do with some work, and you could describe more and leave some exposition out. Otherwise, it was really good, and you left me wanting to know what happens next. Keep the good work, and I mean it.
Robyn.
Hey Berlynn! You're not new, but still I would like to welcome you since you haven't been around much. xD! So, yay, welcome to YWS! '
That should be in italics.Since you haven't had much of detailed reviews, I would try to help you out as much as I can.
I think there's some problem in the grammar with the second part of the sentence. When I read it, I just don't feel it's right. So maybe try re-phrasing it. Or maybe this: It was time, I had hoped they wouldn't find me.
It's trial.
I liked this sentence.
Then how could the MC tell that it was a 'device'. He could be talking to air for all he knew.
First of all, I would like to point out that you have a weak grammar. Most of the times I had to read the same sentence twice to get the gist of it. The commas were either not placed and even if they were, they were at the wrong positions. Commas are a big thing for a writer to focus on and I can see that that's your weakest point. Google it up and once you're through with reading the matter regarding it on the net, edit this up. I won't spoon-feed you and tell you every place where you missed out a comma or placed it wrongly. If you need help, you know where to contact me. I would be more than glad to lend you a helping hand. Don't forget to work on it.
Since you had a major problem with commas, I had trouble following on the story. I must say that the idea and the plot you had was quite good and words you used were also more than 'just ordinary' but the grammar spoiled it all. But still you do have good word choices and I see that they're going to turn this into a good piece with fine grammar.
Okay since there were so many mistakes, my mind couldn't enjoy the story. Also, I didn't get it. Maybe it was my mistake, but I lost my interest so couldn't review, and I am very sorry for this. Seriously I am.
~Shrubs
Hi!
I loved loved loved it!
You did an amazing job! You used the perfect amount of detail and the writing was creative and kept me on my toes!
I wouldn't change a thing! I wish I could write the thousand page review that you deserve, but am not as talented with that.
The short story was so great I will definatly recommend it to my friends and followers because it should definatly be a featured work. You did a great job and thank you for posting it, I hope to see more writing like this from you soon!
Hi! Sorry this is later than I said it would be. I fell sick this last weekend, and I never produced enough energy to read anything. But I'm feeling better today, so here I am! Forgive me for any incoherency.
First of all, you have a fabulous sense of writing. Your style and vocabulary is wonderful. I can certainly tell you enjoy writing. However, there are a lot of glaring grammar and spelling errors that, unfortunately, detract from that. If you would like me to do a grammar edit on your final draft of this piece, I would most certainly do that for you. In a more timely fashion too!
What I struggled most with this was the pace, and the large paragraphs really bogged that down. I feel like this should be much more suspenseful. Someone's stalking the MC! They want to do who-knows-what to the main character. It's an opportunity to scare the wits out of your readers, but we spend so much time with elaborate sentences about the scattered glass and apparently blazing fire that we forget to be scared of this bad guy. xD I even found myself bored sometimes. Perhaps look into shortening some sentences or deleting some description and get on with the action.
I also wasn't a fan of the battle scene. We finally got into some real action, and there were a few points that made me double-take. xD For instance, this entire paragraph threw me off:
Bold -- Bad guy's on the computer (which I'm already at a loss to -- explained later), so who looked at her? I'm so confused.
On the computer, how did bad guy get into it? Why is that computer not turned off or password protected? Or actually, why isn't it just broken? I assume no one's living here. If there is someone living here, I think they'd take greater care in locking the computer, let alone the house. If no one lives here, I don't think electricity is going to work, and thus the computer will not work. (They have to pay for the electric bill, right? ;D)
Underlined -- If bad guy is patient, why is he trigger-happy? That was confusing as well.
I thought this was a stupid move by the bad guy. xD Did he not see her weapon laying right next to her? I think he'd make an extra effort to kick it out of her reach. Or at least pick it up and use it himself.
So that's my spiel on the battle scene.
Moving on, I would love to guess what was actually going on. I feel like this was written for the battle scene, not for the plot. Why was the MC there? Why is the MC being hunted? Is bad guy actually the bad guy or a police officer? Who was bad guy talking to on the monitor? The MC, I think, said they knew. The reader doesn't though. Also, I think a little more characterization would be lovely. What kind of person is the MC? How should the reader relate to them? Strengths? Weaknesses? I feel like bad guy was done much better than the MC since he's meant to be creepy. But the MC is the most important character since the reader is following them through the entire thing. Since you don't have a lot of thought dialogue (which is totally okay, I swear!), show us with their actions. You show us a little bit with the glass and such. The quick pick up of the glass before they re-hid themselves. That was awesome! Keep doing some of that.
Other than those points I had, I think you have an awesome story. I'm very interested in what you've got. I kinda started thinking of the Disney movie Treasure Planet. Not sure if that was intentional. I love that movie to bits. Anyway, I think you can definitely clean this up. Your friend will love it!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
It was good, the things that I noticed were already pointed out. Other than that it is good, I think this is the first science fiction that I have read. Good job!!
Hm. I liked it. At times it's a little hard to understand and such. Clarification would be nice, but I think you can retain a good amount of mystery in the beginning. As someone else said, avoid Info dumping. I'm not a grammar person, but I can tell you've got some mistakes. I'll make the assumption Icy Flame got it all, ;D.
I think you should keep expanding. And, if this is for a special someone, make sure they're a reader, and they don't think your creepy. You guys should also be friends. A person getting this from a random person would probably feel a little creeped out(I know from similar experience, :/).
Good work, room for improvement, and made my night. *Liked*
Sorry I don't have more to say...
--Skis
As per your request, I'm here reviewing your story.
There's a lot of grammatical errors and spelling errors you need to work on. Others have already pointed this out, I'm just saying you need to go back and correct obvious stuff.
Now, as for the story itself, I kinda wanted to get to know the main character more and sympathize with his/her situation. I kinda got a good feel for the fear and suspense, though, so that helped a lot. You had some good action going on here and I thought it was all in all a pretty decent piece.
Ok so everyone else has said what I was thinking or going to say. I honestly think your friend will LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know I do
. But is Boyer a last name?
I came to review your piece and saw that everything I was going to say was already said by the other reviewers. Overall I like your piece. Make sure to read the reviews and add accordingly so your piece can improve from there on!
(:
~Taylor
Luxe here, as requested. Okay, this was a good piece and it has so much potential to be great. I do agree with the grammar mistakes that were pointed out by others. There were a lot of run on sentences that are easy fixes. For your plot, I thought that it was pretty cool. I was a little confused about what she was doing at the house on Earth in the first place, but I kind of guessed that it was hunting Boyer. The world that you created was interesting and with a little bit more work, you could get a very successful piece!
Cheers,
Luxe
First of all, very good piece over all. A few grammer mistakes and a fw spelling mistakes but other than that, you have a plot (:
Very good. I was holding my breath the entire beginning of it. Very good. But explain a little bit more about wbhy your character is running from Death and the people she grew up with. Other than that, you have a very good piece of your hands. Happy writing!!! Keep going with it, Chica!!!
Hiya! I noticed you requested a review on my wall, and as I haven't been particularly review-busy lately, I decided I'd oblige. I generally do in-depth reviews with (being a perfectionist) a lot on grammar as well as story, but I'm not sure if I have the time today, so bear with me if it isn't in-depth enough.
First off, I must say the story has promise. It's looking like a great, typical sort of sci-fi plot. There are a few things I'd like to point out, however, this standing.
The main character. Unless I missed it somewhere, you didn't give any indication as to whether they are male or female. My general impression is that they are female. Maybe it's the way they talk, or something, I don't know. You tell me if I am wrong.
Is this a first chapter or something? Or a short story? Because it isn't entirely clear what happens at the end. Does he/she die? Is Boyer destroyed? What happens? And the first time you mention that his/her mission is to destroy Boyer is at the very end. You might want to consider revising that.
There isn't a lot of background information. Where did they come from? What are they trying to do? Who are they, actually? Maybe you could fit some answers in subtly somewhere, I dunno.
Now, I did notice quite a few grammatical and structural errors. My custom is to go through this sort of thing sentence by sentence, but I know people don't like that, so I'll - er, try - not to do that. Please bear with me.
1.
You definitely need a new line after the "Beep. Beep." And a full stop would be more appropriate after "It was time" than a comma. And this last sentence - there is something that bugs me here, but I'm not sure what it is. Structure, I think - maybe it would be better phrased as something like this: "I guess it was inevitable that my ship would recklessly crash into a house on earth." Although of course now you need to answer the question: why was it inevitable?
2.
3. (Sorry, I might be doing this sentence by sentence anyway.
" ... would come down the stairs." Somehow the usage of 'would' here seems a little weird. I don't know how you could change it though, so maybe you should leave it.
4.
Good quote here, but still a little confusing. What's the relevance?
5.
I am very much NOT getting this sentence here. Oh, wait - do you mean: "It was QUIET" rather than "quite"? I assume you do. Oh, and I think the usage of 'kept repeating' would be more apt than 'repeated' here, as 'repeated' suggests that the signal was repeated only once. But then, you did also use the word 'eternal' ... maybe you should delete it?
6.
"His breathing was heavy was the poison oxygen filled his lungs". WHAT? Do you mean AS the poison oxygen filled his lungs? Why is the oxygen poison?
7. But they've already inhaled.
8.
9.
10.
11. Downy? Do you mean like bird's down?
12. I think 'with' would be a good starter to this sentence.
13. The conjunction for the last phrase here is insufficient, I think.
14. Do you mean 'starting', or do you mean 'staring'?
15.
16.
17.
18.
19. 'Unfamiliar grave' is a strange sort of phrase, a little confusing.
20.
Rather, "Ship's power is low, will not be able to leave atmosphere," the computer stated.
21. 'Could as'? Delete 'as', do you think?
22. You're using the word 'inhaled' too much. The reader notices things like this. Or at least I do.
OVERALL:
I really liked this. I think it has potential. You use really great figurative language, I noticed that. Combined with better grammar and more background, this could turn out to be a really neat story.
I'm sorry if I sounded negative for the large part of this review. I actually like your story a lot.
Thanks for the request, anyway (I need to get back into reviewing) and keep writing, whatever you do!
- Ignis
I would review the technical side, but you said no technical nitpicks. However, one technical input that I had to make was that you never tell us he's an alien in a human body. It's hard to pick up on that without a single clue, but I got it anyways. You should mention early on that he's in a human avatar, that he can hardly feel pain (he sucks blood off his foot and the first thing he thinks about is if he left a trail) and that he's being pursued.
The first paragraph, the introduction, should explain and set up most of the elements in your story. I think that you should explain more, but remember to avoid info-dumping.
That's not my only review, but I haven't got a lot of time now, can I come back later?
Jenth
Ok, I see a lot of grammar mistakes here. But, I read Icyflame's review, and she seemed to have pointed out every thing that I saw. With a little work, this piece could rock!
I'm going to quote a whole chunk but as of yet I'm not sure if I have time or the patience to do the whole thing. Let's wait and see...
Nb: Np- new paragraph
fs- fullstop
I liked the ending but you have a lot of improvements to make. You have many run-on sentences and ideas that do not fit together properly. You as the author obviously know the reasons behind certain things that happen but the reader does not. Although the suspense is a ke part of the plot you do not answer any questions and yet continue to pose more. On the other hand the MC's thinking leaves us no time to wonder what will happen. Their thought processes need to be elongated more. A final note is that we don't know if the MC is male or femle; it is not reflected in their thoughts or personality and this is a key part to the story as it afeects how it is read.
Feel free to ask me if you have any questions and I hope this didnt seem to harsh, I was just giving as much feedback as possible
Right away I can see you have a lot of run-on sentences. Those are when you string together several sentences.
Right here, for instance, you could easily change the sentence into two.
What are you trying to say here? Is it simply that Nybot computers are superior?
I notice you have a setting that's not far from today technology-wise, except for the spaceships. I was very confused about the fire; was it burning the whole time? Why didn't the rain put it out?
P.S. This is my first sci-fi ever. so please be nice about the technical things.
thanks again!
This is a sci-fi I'm writing for a friend. I have to hand it to him by May 5th which means that it has to be edited before then. PLEASE YWS I need this to spic and span for this *cough* special someone's *cough cough* birthday. I will try posting the rest no later than the 22nd of this month. That should give *crosses fingers* hopefully enough editing time. Thank you.