Young Writers Society

Ok Rae. Can I call you that?
I'm here as requested and I'll review to the best I can for you and I'm so FREAKING SORRY I'M SO FREAKING LATE. No really, I'm never this bad. I just.. I went on holidays and well, I needed to boost my tan and and... yes you get it. But I'm still sorry.

Normally I'll got over grammar first, then give my general constent over whether I liked it didn't like it or other things based around the story/novel. So I'll start with grammar and then move onto the general overview, I might post it in two reviews as my laptop tends to freeze if I post reviews too long. So enough blabber... the review?

Alright; corrections in red.

BerlynnRae wrote:Light shone on my face, and a#FF0000 ">an inconstant hum of voices carried to where #FF0000 ">capital I.i was. My eyes closed as I tried to remember. My head aced#FF0000 ">Whuut? Nope. This should be ached., what happened? I pushed my mind#FF0000 ">I tried to recall even a face. Pushed my mind? No sense. just to recall even a face. A moment. Then a memory came. It was a tall, lightly powered#FF0000 ">Lightly powered? Unless they use this on plantet Venus, this is not an expression. Try he was a weak or He wasn't a strong man. Anything is better then that. blue skinned man, his thick hair fit with his long face. It was the eyes that held me, staring into mine. He mumbled something, I shook my head, but his molded lips would not reform the bubbled words. Just a vile sneer. then#FF0000 ">Captial on t. a gun. #FF0000 ">You need an A here. Stolen gun from my people, it was long, and light and powerful. It was pointed at me, Boyer whispered something to me and his finger lightly touched the trigger.

My eyes flashed open as something heavy crashed on the floor. I looked around for the first time. Half of my pod had broken on impact, the room I was in had identical chairs thrown into a heap. A dozen round tables, had been thrown by a powerful force some were overturned and others upright. Flames licked the wooden legs,#FF0000 ">no comma. and crawled up the fragile frames to perch on top. Sucking the oxygen from the air. The ugly fire leaped onto pictures and curtains, barbarically jumping to anything untouched. There was a small door, propped open with the silhouettes of three men and shining blue flashlights.

"Mark!,#FF0000 ">no comma" One turned back and yelled, "I think there's someone in here." The man who yelled stepped forward but was greeted by the flames grabbing his ankle. I needed to get out of here. I needed to run. To blend in, I appeared human because of the gift of the Nybots, it was counted as a blessing. Once they found me so would Boyer, I could trick every person on this rock except the other alien on it.

I swifty sat up and sifted my hands around the dented pod. I finally touched the small pocket sized weapon. I pulled it up to my face and it seemed to wink back at me. The small gun was a brilliant blue. I held it at my side.

"Hey, who are you? You can't be here." I heard one man shout. I gingerly stepped down onto the warm tile. One square snapped under my weight and the pressure of the heat. I looked back at the door, the Humans couldn't find me. I would be a spectacle, and as unseen as I wanted to be it was becoming continually harder to be.#FF0000 ">Cut out to be .

My bare feet could only handle a piece#FF0000 ">could only handle standing on the tile for a few minutes. Sounds better no? of the tile for a few seconds before I danced to another, avoiding the gold and crimson waves that would burn if they touched me. I looked around the back side of what appeared to be a restaurant. There was a counter that the fire had somehow missed. I glanced back at the door as streaming water cascaded into the room. Spraying effortlessly onto the overturned chairs, breaking the feeble wood and creating a thick black smoke. I ran to the counter and jumped over it, scraping my leg on something sharp. I couldn't be found, not yet. Not here. I stood behind the hard plastic counter, the corners of it curling.

I coughed, heaving to find air as a figure appeared from the smoke, he touched the pod I was in and looked around. Shouts trailing behind him. Warning him from the intense heat. I ducked down, thankfully no flames had reached this side of the room yet.

"Reva, stop running." The voice beckoned, "If you come with me, I will let your people go. We will never be at war again." Tempting, such a lie, but tempting. If only a deal as easy as that could stop a war of a lifetime. I bit my lip and took my gun in both hands. Pivoted on my heel and fired in his direction. He dodged behind the pod and I crouched down, the room exploded with light, sending me flying into a door. I caught myself and feel into the floor. Smoke was starting to fill the room with thick mist. I smiled and kissed my weapon. It was my favoriet#FF0000 ">favourite.Simple mistakes that editing well help easily., the mighty explosion it caused was so powerful from such a tiny device.

"Your not the only one with a gun Reva." I pushed myself off the floor and crawled to the door. Reaching up to grab the handle a bullet flew past and embedded itself in the handle. I turned around and fired again. The blast blew my hair into my face and I pushed open the door.

It was a kitchen. It had an island that had a sink in it. I shut the door and everything went dark. I scrambled over to think sink. Feeling around until I found the faucet then turned on the water. It was cold, and created a steam in the hot room. The slopping sound of water spilling over and dripping on the floor hid the vibration of me opening cupboards. There has to be another door...

Warm light flooded into the room, then it was gone. Heavy breathing from the door. I crouched and felt around the counters. The water sprayed as he stomped across the kitchen. I lifted myself up on the counter knocking a glass bowl, it crashed and shattered on ground. I inhaled. Then Boyer shot, bright warm orange light ricocheted around the room, bouncing off of metallic pots and spoons. It blasted through a glass window.

"Mark! Do you see anyone?" I heard someone shout.

"Yes, hey I need some help in here!" Mark shouted back then opened the door. Boyer turned around and with the limited light I jumped to the window, my elbow scraping the cut glass, I shoved my hands on the frame and toppled onto the ground. The soft grass greeted#FF0000 ">This doesn't seem the right word here. I landed on the soft grass sounds better. me. I stood up, the world spun#FF0000 ">was spinning will fit better here.. I looked back at the building mostly consumed in black and the bright sunrise peering over the other side. I inhaled. I glanced down the sidewalk, people piled into it. I could follow them. Boyer wouldn't look where so many humans went. I would be camouflaged. Exhausted I rolled over and lifted myself off of the grass.



********************************************************************************************************************************
chapter 3 (Mother ship)


"She' off the radar." He said turning to me. "What do you propose we do now?"

I sat on a chair, and shook my head. We would never win this war. The Nybots, my people , would die if she was dead.
"I have no answers Alabaster, we wait." I looked down, " When was the last signal transmitted?"

"Not two hours ago." He leaned in closer to me, "She's there, on the Creation."

"We will not yet address it. We don't know if Boyer is with her and I would rather not draw attention to the Creation."
He nodded.

"Your Majesty!" A man yelled, running into the room. His face thick with perspiration. "It's over! They've stopped fighting!" My heart stopped, over? No.

"It couldn't be." I murmured, looking at the screen. No ships. "No, its not over."
I whispered as enemy fighters#FF0000 ">this seems childish. Maybe... the fighters of the oppisition? appeared in a dangerously close proximity to our, "No, it's only begun."

BerlynnRae wrote:Light shone on my face, and a inconstant hum of voices carried to where i was. My eyes closed as I tried to remember. My head aced, what happened? I pushed my mind just to recall even a face. A moment. Then a memory came. It was a tall, lightly powered blue skinned man, his thick hair fit with his long face. It was the eyes that held me, staring into mine. He mumbled something, I shook my head, but his molded lips would not reform the bubbled words. Just a vile sneer. then a gun. Stolen gun from my people, it was long, and light and powerful. It was pointed at me, Boyer whispered something to me and his finger lightly touched the trigger.

My eyes flashed open as something heavy crashed on the floor. I looked around for the first time. Half of my pod had broken on impact, the room I was in had identical chairs thrown into a heap. A dozen round tables, had been thrown by a powerful force some were overturned and others upright. Flames licked the wooden legs, and crawled up the fragile frames to perch on top. Sucking the oxygen from the air. The ugly fire leaped onto pictures and curtains, barbarically jumping to anything untouched. There was a small door, propped open with the silhouettes of three men and shining blue flashlights.

"Mark!," One turned back and yelled, "I think there's someone in here." The man who yelled stepped forward but was greeted by the flames grabbing his ankle. I needed to get out of here. I needed to run. To blend in, I appeared human because of the gift of the Nybots, it was counted as a blessing. Once they found me so would Boyer, I could trick every person on this rock except the other alien on it.

I swifty sat up and sifted my hands around the dented pod. I finally touched the small pocket sized weapon. I pulled it up to my face and it seemed to wink back at me. The small gun was a brilliant blue. I held it at my side.

"Hey, who are you? You can't be here." I heard one man shout. I gingerly stepped down onto the warm tile. One square snapped under my weight and the pressure of the heat. I looked back at the door, the Humans couldn't find me. I would be a spectacle, and as unseen as I wanted to be it was becoming continually harder to be.

My bare feet could only handle a piece of the tile for a few seconds before I danced to another, avoiding the gold and crimson waves that would burn if they touched me. I looked around the back side of what appeared to be a restaurant. There was a counter that the fire had somehow missed. I glanced back at the door as streaming water cascaded into the room. Spraying effortlessly onto the overturned chairs, breaking the feeble wood and creating a thick black smoke. I ran to the counter and jumped over it, scraping my leg on something sharp. I couldn't be found, not yet. Not here. I stood behind the hard plastic counter, the corners of it curling.

I coughed, heaving to find air as a figure appeared from the smoke, he touched the pod I was in and looked around. Shouts trailing behind him. Warning him from the intense heat. I ducked down, thankfully no flames had reached this side of the room yet.

"Reva, stop running." The voice beckoned, "If you come with me, I will let your people go. We will never be at war again." Tempting, such a lie, but tempting. If only a deal as easy as that could stop a war of a lifetime. I bit my lip and took my gun in both hands. Pivoted on my heel and fired in his direction. He dodged behind the pod and I crouched down, the room exploded with light, sending me flying into a door. I caught myself and feel into the floor. Smoke was starting to fill the room with thick mist. I smiled and kissed my weapon. It was my favoriet, the mighty explosion it caused was so powerful from such a tiny device.

"Your not the only one with a gun Reva." I pushed myself off the floor and crawled to the door. Reaching up to grab the handle a bullet flew past and embedded itself in the handle. I turned around and fired again. The blast blew my hair into my face and I pushed open the door.

It was a kitchen. It had an island that had a sink in it. I shut the door and everything went dark. I scrambled over to think sink. Feeling around until I found the faucet then turned on the water. It was cold, and created a steam in the hot room. The slopping sound of water spilling over and dripping on the floor hid the vibration of me opening cupboards. There has to be another door...

Warm light flooded into the room, then it was gone. Heavy breathing from the door. I crouched and felt around the counters. The water sprayed as he stomped across the kitchen. I lifted myself up on the counter knocking a glass bowl, it crashed and shattered on ground. I inhaled. Then Boyer shot, bright warm orange light ricocheted around the room, bouncing off of metallic pots and spoons. It blasted through a glass window.

"Mark! Do you see anyone?" I heard someone shout.

"Yes, hey I need some help in here!" Mark shouted back then opened the door. Boyer turned around and with the limited light I jumped to the window, my elbow scraping the cut glass, I shoved my hands on the frame and toppled onto the ground. The soft grass greeted me. I stood up, the world spun. I looked back at the building mostly consumed in black and the bright sunrise peering over the other side. I inhaled. I glanced down the sidewalk, people piled into it. I could follow them. Boyer wouldn't look where so many humans went. I would be camouflaged. Exhausted I rolled over and lifted myself off of the grass.



********************************************************************************************************************************
chapter 3 (Mother ship)


"She' off the radar." He said turning to me. "What do you propose we do now?"

I sat on a chair, and shook my head. We would never win this war. The Nybots, my people , would die if she was dead.
"I have no answers Alabaster, we wait." I looked down, " When was the last signal transmitted?"

"Not two hours ago." He leaned in closer to me, "She's there, on the Creation."

"We will not yet address it. We don't know if Boyer is with her and I would rather not draw attention to the Creation."
He nodded.

"Your Majesty!" A man yelled, running into the room. His face thick with perspiration. "It's over! They've stopped fighting!" My heart stopped, over? No.

"It couldn't be." I murmured, looking at the screen. No ships. "No, its not over."
I whispered as enemy fighters appeared in a dangerously close proximity to our, "No, it's only begun."