My breath blew away the small cloud of steam coming from my cup. The hot liquid sent ribbons of white air up until they mingled with cool draft blowing in from the crack in the window I was staring through. It was a pleasant place, with busy students stuffing their faces with pastries and attempting to study with the soft music in the background proving to them that it was indeed another distraction.
"Another distraction..." I mumbled low enough that the auburn haired waitress wiping crumbs from the table nearby couldn't hear me. The student stitting at that table looked irrated and shot the girl a glare before she moved on. Miles had said I had a habit of talking to myself in hushed whispers and he was right. My mind could not focus on a thought before it was suddenly whisked away by another. Distractions, especially in a place like The Cupboard, seemed endless. It was my job though, according to Miles, to wait and watch for the target in sight.
I wasn't watching for a person necessarily, I was waiting for an action. A word or phrase that seemed out of place; a movement that seemed stiff or a character that appeared strangely different than the folks from around here should. It was how our operations worked. We all spoke directly to Rellik Eth's about our involvements in each plan so if the time came for us to be questioned or caught we would never be able to pin each other. At least that was the idea, James was usually easy to spot for me. His job was normally the same as mine as a scout; the person in disguise collecting information. It was the way he walked that gave him away to me every time, the slight limp he'd acquired from a 'sports injury'. He had told me that was where it had come from but we all knew better when one of us lied like that. We had all come from strenuous circumstances; mysteries surrounding our pasts that lead us to the reason we came to the call Rellik gave us. Why we risked everything for a man that I had never seen but only heard about.
Miles had always been the one to supply me with the stories of the man named 'Mr. Eht'. Miles always preferred using his formal name, but Rellik was just a name and a whisper and a god that I submitted too. The others called him differently Elijah cursed and loved Rellik. He had the money that Elijah needed for his guns and weapons. Elijah swore that he would kill to get that kind of money and he had. At least that I'd heard; Elijah had been with Rellik longer than I, but none longer than Miles.
"Miles or Calvin..." I murmured then caught my breath and drank some of the warm hot chocolate to muffle the sound into a strange swallow rather than a name. We each had our own code names as well. Miles had once disclosed with me that his true name was Calvin but I had always known him as Miles so it was odd for me to say it. He knew my true name as well but called me Renee. As everyone else did; including those from the 'real world' the world I should have been a part of. Joining the students studying for mid-terms but I was here in The Cupboard waiting for the signal.
My eyes darted to faces, I looked at the boy sitting closest to me, the one who had seemed mad at the waitress. He was the only one sitting alone. I looked at the other groups on distant tables chatting and then re-focuasing on the task at hand. I looked back at boy sitting by himself and half wondered if I should approch him. He must have felt my stare because he looked at me and then moved his chair further from my gaze and closer to the door. I sighed and looked out the window again.
My first mission had been sloppy but I had learned a lot since then. We'd learned that the now descsed John Fastfier had only temportaily stopped selling to Rellik because the other man promised that Mr. Fastfiers debt would cease to exist. He said that he became aware a garnet ring shaped like a carnation flower. That key needed to be saftly shipped to the man. That was our only lead because after that the mans life was threatened and he took his own and nearly took mine when he threw our car over a bridge.
As far as Mr. Fastifer was concerened that ring was a key. The design wasn't meant for fashion but for a complacated lock. That made Rellik very intrested as to what was inside. Which gave the team a whole new job to do; find the key.
Kota, being the genius that he is, tracked the ring to a city called Lehi. Miles, James, and I had enrolled in school at Lehi High School. Though I had limited communication with Miles there. James and I would work together trying to see if we could slip the name Garnet Carnation into any conversation. Miles had more luck than myself and he told us that if he was right we would know the owner of the ring and how to get it.
I took another sip of the hot liquid. It warmed me from the inside out, I sighed happily. Miles said that someone would be coming here today and if we played our cards right then we would know the wear abouts of the key. I didn't know what was so special about any of this but it was nice to act semi-normal for once. I closed my eyes. I knew I shouldn't have but it was just the perfect day to relax.
“Renee? What are you doing here?” I looked up to see my best friend, well what would be considered a best friend if I was a real high school student.
“Hey Holly, I just thought I would enjoy the sunday air. You know? Hang I guess.” She ploped down next to me. Holly was beautiful in a big-eye-small-face kinda way. She had thick aburn hair that people at school named her 'Ginger' for but she had too much brown in it for me to consider it red. Large sea blue eyes and a heart shaped face.
“Well, I'm glad to see you. Dad's been busy with work and I usally come every Sunday here with him. I was worried about going alone but he insisted, anyway.” She proceeded to ramble about her day and her dad and how much he's changed since her mom died. Holly was a good friend and a nice escape from the pressure I'd been feeling around Miles lately. Since our first mission Miles had been granted his wish to make drugs and injections for people. He set off to work immdetaly creating things that would dissove in liquid or that could be placed in a stick of gum; making my new partner James. Now it was nearly impossiable for me to spot Miles on a mission.
I sighed, “Hey aren't you listening?” Holly snapped her fingers in my face.
I shook my head, “What?” She rolled her eyes.
“I said Michael broke up with Brooke.” She beamed. Behind Holly's face I could see that student again, his nose stuck in the book giving me a glare and then rolling his eyes. Whatever. He could think what he wanted to.
“Oh, Michael, right.” I nodded still looking around. Maybe Holly being here was a bad idea. I couldn't focus on her and the misson at the same time.
“You are so distracted Renee. What wrong with you?” Her lips puckered in disproval.
“I'm not distracted.” I argued.
“Yes, you are very distracted.” She looked me with her large almond eyes.
“It's just I've been busy...” I mumbled, sipping another drink from my glass. I looked at her face, her eye brow raised slightly.
“You know, mid-terms and everything. Its consumed my mind.” I lied. She nodded in agreement.
“Alright. We need to get your mind off of this. Lets find your type.” She stated proudly.
“Oh, Holly, not this again please.”
“Yes, this is perfect for you and this place is swimming with bachlors.” She winked at me. She pointed to a corner, I looked at my cup. I would not partisapte in this.
“How about him? Well maybe he's not your type, or him, Renee the castier is looking at you!” She whispered.
I looked up to see a boy walking this way, he had wavy brown hair and brown eyes. He carried a cup on a tray.
“Hey,” He called, “You're Renee, right?” He asked. How did he know my name? I just stared in confusion. He laughed slighly then his face changed into a smirk.
“Don't worry.” Holly patted my hand, “This is Alex, he always works Sundays.” She winked at me.
“Nice to meet you, Holly talks about you often.” This time I turned to Holly, but she ingored me and looked at Alex. “I bought this for you. You always order it and I noticed you hadn't bothered to come to my register yet.” The kid smirked again. She mearly beamed, he looked at me while he said this occansially glancing to Holly. He placed the cup on the table. Holly gingerly picked it up and blew on some of the steam.
“So where's your dad?” He questioned, “Isn't he usally here?” There was an edge to his voice, it made me feel as though I was missing something. She sipped the liquid and it dribbled down her chin. She wiped it away with the back of her hand.
“Dads busy with work.” She stated, waving her hands as if it were nothing.
“Thats too bad.” He looked at me again. “Well at least your friend was kind enough to meet you here.”
“Hows work been?” She said as she slipped through her cup, the words were muffled. Why had Holly never told me about him before? She was alwways with her dad though. No chance of having a decent conversation with him around.
“Slow. You'd be surprised, with all of these people you would think that we would be in a rush.” Alex and Holly chatted and I looked away. I wouldn't bother with questions for now. I looked out the window again as a bulky man in a large coat walked into The Cuppboard, wind blew in from outside which granted him a few glares from the studoius customers. He walked up the the frount.
“I better get back to work,” Alex shrugged, ending whatever conversation I had missed. “after all I left In.. Indiana Jones or something at the till.”
“Who?” Holly asked, her cup now empty.
“I can't remember his name, he's new.” Alex picked up her cup and nodded to me, “Nice meeting you.”
I watched as Alex walked up to the new kid, he was skinny and blonde and looked frustrated with the customer.
“He's cute, don't you think Renee?” Holly gushed.
“I guess.” I replied a little distracted by the scene at the resitser. The blonde guy at the register looked pale and scared. His body was stiff. Alex opened the drawer and proceeded to pull out money and hand it to the large man. His smile was gone and his face was serious.
“He is so your type. He's super nice to.” Holly began to babble. About Alex as I watched the skinny blonde boy talk urgetly to Alex. Alex just shook his head and the large man started walking away. He walked past the student reading as I stood up.
“Stop him!” I yelled and pointed to the large man. The student shook his head and saw who I was pointing to. He ran and grabbed the mans arm in an attmept to stop him. The man pushed the student off him and the student fell to the ground on his knees. The large man pulled out a gun and pointed it at him.
“He's got a gun!” I heard a girl from the corner scream.
“Nobody move!” The man bellowed. He turned to my table.
“Which one of you yelled? Hmm?” He pointed the gun at me before moving it to Holly.
“Was it you?” He sneered, grabbing the collar of her shirt and picking her up like a rag doll.
“N...no..” She stammered.
“Shut up!” He growled. Tossing her to the ground, she fell on her hands and knees next to the student.
“If anyone moves I'll shoot them. Now, give me your cell phones.” He ordered. No one moved, no one dared to. I inhaled and looked around. My eyes went to Alex at the till but he was gone and the skinny blonde kid was there.
“You!” He pointed to the kid, “Gather up all the phones. Now.” He barked. The skinny kid moved around the room skiddishly, asking for phones. The peoples faces were white and no one knew what to do, it was silant. The large man's eyes rested on every face, stareing them down, some looked at him, others looked at there feet. In the distance I heard sirens. I looked around but everyones faces had turned to stone. Hadn't they heard it too? The wailing became louder and closer. The skinny kid passed another group and with his arms full of devices stumbled and dropped a few. A handfull of people reached there arms out as if to catch them, but they clattered on the floor.
“Sorry.. I'm sorry.” He mumbled, dumping the pile on a nearby table and bending down to pick them up.
“Be more careful.” The large man growled, his gun aimed at the floor now. The scream of the sirens became closer to the street. The large man stragied and looked out the window.
“Who called the police?” He growled.
“I did.” A man chirped, all eyes zeroed in on the student that was pushed to the ground. He held up his phone.
“You've been on speaker this whole time.” He stated. The large man pointed his gun at the student and shot him. The noise echoed off the walls and the puncher of skin that dug into the students leg. He cried out and grabbed at his thigh. The large man looked out the window again as the blue and black police cars drove up the street. He leaned down and grabbed Holly.
“If anyone lets them in shes dead.” He warned, and dragged her limp crying body behind the counter. I jumped up and ran after her. I felt an arm grab me.
“No, its too dangerious.” A voice whispered, it was the student.
“I have to go. She's my friend.” I begged and tried to pull out of his grip.
“Lets get these people out first.”He nodded to them, I shook my head and yanked my arm out of his grip and ran past the counter to Holly. I looked around, on my right was the bathrooms and on my left was the walk-in frigde. I walked over to the bathrooms first and pushed the door open. The door hit the wall with a bang and Miles turned around.
“Miles?” He smiled.
“Well done Richie,” He winked at me. I looked at his clothes, it was a uniform for The Cupboard.
“What are you...” I couldn't finsih my sentence, I couldn't think. I just shook my head. He walked over to me.
“I'm not surprised you didn't recogize me. I've been working at The Cupboard for a while and Kota helped me monitor all the incoming and outgoing phone calls.”
“Wait, you mean,” I couldn't believe what was happening, “You found the key?”
“Well, no. But we discovered the owner. Putting his daughters life in danger might just be our chance to get it.” Holly. Oh no.
“Will she be okay?” He leaned his body on the wall of the bathroom and motioned for me to follow. I just stood there, I couldn't move.
“She'll be fine, I put a drug in her drink that will make her forget most of whats going on.” Of course he would use his injetions on her. My confusion turned to anger.
“What were you thinking? You could have got someone killed.” I almost screamed, my hands balled up into fists. He shook his head and laughed.
“Someone was shot.” I stated, “What if someone died? Who would take the blame for that?”
“Elijah shot James.” He argued, “really Renee, everything is okay.”
“What about all those people?” His eyes narrowed, and he pushed off the wall and stalked twords me.
“Renee,” He reasoned, “Indigo's gathering there phones to distract the cops while we interragte the target.” I shook my head and he grabbed my sholders.
“Renee.” He said stubbornly, “everything is fine.” He kissed the top of my head. “You'll see.”
Then he left the bathroom. I stood motionless, I was fine with sneaking around and pretending to go to a real high school but things had gotten serious today and who knew what would happen to Holly if I didn't do something to stop them. I'd seen what had happened to John Fastfier and I couldn't allow the same to happen to her. I pivoted on my heels and opened the bathroom door. I looked out in the lobby and it was empty. James, the student, was leaning agaist the wall. His arms were crossed and his face looked serious. The blood from his leg seemed to have been completely fake because he was standing just fine.
“James..” I mumbled, he turned and looked at me. My eyes swelled up with tears.
“I know.” He nodded and looked away, “I was as much in the dark as you were.”
“Will Holly be... okay?” He shrugged, we were both friends with her. She was as innocent as any of the people here not too long ago.
“I hope so.” He replied, his eyes narrowed.
“What are you doing exactly?” He nodded to the doors.
“The cops are trying to sort everthing out. It's a mess out there.” He didn't answer my question and I realized that he couldn't say. Kota had planted bugs all over James. But I knew what he meant. He wanted to make sure Holly was safe.
“Where is everyone?” I tried again.
“Gone. They tied Holly up and left her in the walk-in. But Miles is certain that she won't remember anything. No one got a good look at Elijahs face; not that it matters much anyway because he was taller and covered in a butt load of makeup.” A small smile played on his face then quickly disappered.
“I'm leaving, you best do the same.” He nodded to me before walking out the backdoor.
I looked over to where my table was and the now cold drink that had been abandoned. The gun had been abandoned too. It was lying on the counter; I walked over to where Elijah had left it and picked it up. It was heavy but plastic. I aimed it at the ground and nothing came out, only the sound of gunfire.
The doors burst open and I looked up. The police had heard the gunfire and were coming after me.
“Stop!” One yelled and fired at me. I ran into the bathrooms and locked the door. There was pounding and someone shouting. I looked at the window above one of the stalls and climed to it. My body burst with aridine and I yanked the window open and threw my body into it, scraping my sides and causing me to tumble out onto a pile of trash. I rubbed my head and the back door burst open.
“There she is!” One yelled. I jumped to my feet and sprinted as a car pulled up.
“Get in!” Miles shouted, I leaped around the side of the car and pulled the passenger side open and hopped in as he drove away. He shook his head.
“Girl, sometimes I wished you would work with me.” He laughed, “That way you wouldn't come back battered.” He laughed again. I sighed, he had given me a lot to think about. I knew he could get away from the cops easy. His hand grabbed mine and somehow it wasn't as special as it seemed before.
“I told you Renee, everything will be fine.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello again!
Not a bad chapter although the beginning gets a little info-dumpy and some of the information that was relayed felt redundant from the previous chapter. I also don't quite understand why there was a preface and why this is opening the story. Frankly, I think the preface works better as a better first chapter because it grabs attention much better. You really don't need a preface and most agents don't read them anyway. Also, there was kind of an odd gap in time for me and I thought that felt awkward. I have the feeling that you're trying to just keep to intense action, and that's awesome, but it doesn't need to be all intense action all the time. I'm afraid you're going to get into a pattern of information, intense action, information, intense action. Personally, I would have preferred to have seen her going to school at the whole gap of time you referenced at the beginning of the chapter instead of the large info dump. I think that would help develop the characters and give people something to relate to.
Here are my nitpicks:
Love this. You write great descriptive scenes. I can picture myself there and I love this as an opener.
[quote[
Miles had said I had a habit of talking to myself in hushed whispers and he was right.[/quote]
So much had! You don't really need the first one.
You don't need a semicolon there, it should be a comma and there should be another comma before "or" because you are creating a list here. You use a semicolon to separate two phrases that, on their own, could be their own sentence. "A word or phrase that seemed out of place" can't be its own sentence, neither can "a movement...around here should". Technically the sentence as a whole is a fragment because there is no subject or noun but if you combine it with the previous sentence it will be super long so I'll let it slide
This punctuation is very odd. "At least that was the idea" could be added to the previous sentence with a comma before it. Then I think you could combine the next two sentences as "James was usually easy to spot for me as his job was normally the same as mine as a scout, the person in disguise collecting information."
It helps if you read out loud to catch where sentences have natural breaks and pauses because that will typically be where you'll want a comma.
Redundant from the last chapter. And didn't she choose this life for herself? Couldn't she have made the choice to stop in the last chapter?
Why would she feel the need to approach some random guy?
The other man?
[quote[
That was our only lead because after that the mans life was threatened and he took his own and nearly took mine when he threw our car over a bridge.[/quote]
Redundant information because we just read about this happening.
Fragment. Combine it with the sentence before or after it.
What is the liquid?
Two sentences.
New paragraph here because there is a new focus.
Put the "She rolled her eyes" in the next paragraph before her dialogue.
New focus, new paragraph.
New paragraph at the start of this line.
The last part, what?
The first two sentences can be combined. Also, there is a lot of repetition of "Alex" in a very small amount of space.
"The people's faces" sounds odd to me here. I think "Everyone's face was white and..."
[quote[
“I did.” A man chirped, all eyes zeroed in on the student that was pushed to the ground. He held up his phone.
“You've been on speaker this whole time.” He stated.[/quote]
Idiot boy. Why would you ever admit to that?
But these two paragraphs should be combined because the same person is talking. The new paragraph should come after "he stated".
Saying "He smiled" at the end of this makes it sound like a man said this line because it is the dialogue cue but it was the girl speaking right and Miles smiles? If that's the case, He smiled should go before the next paragraph.
You really are not a bad writer. I think you have an intriguing idea here and I want to know more about what is going on and what is going to happen. You also write quite well. You have great descriptions and dialogue. The biggest problem I'm seeing throughout though is the spelling and grammar errors. I stopped correcting all of them because it would take too much time. You need to make sure you spell check and go over this with a fine-tooth comb to catch all of the spelling and grammar errors. The biggest grammar error I am seeing is miss-placed commas, semicolons in weird places, and weird sentences and paragraph breaks. Again, read out loud to catch where things sound odd.
Another bigger thing I want to mention is the character development. I know it's early but don't feel like I know or should care about any of the characters yet. In addition to the intense action scenes, I want some scenes like Holly and the MC talking where we can get a real sense of who people are are what they're like. I want to see what the MC is like at school and how she is friends with Holly so I feel something for her when she's taken.
I see how people fit in with one another much better now but I want to know more about all of the characters. Not in an info-dumpy way, in an active way.
Please let me know if you have any questions or if something doesn't make sense!
-Carly
Hi there!
I'm here to review as requested.
I was really excited to read this. I thought I would get some explanation about what happened at the end of the prologue, but there was none. Instead I got an information, up to date, action packed chapter. I absolutely LOVED it.
What I like the most about this so far are the characters. Each one I meet is realistic and believable. I can totally see them in my mind and I seem to know how they're going to react in a certain situation. I didn't expect Renee to fire off that fake gun and lead the police to her, though. That was a great ending to the chapter.
Comments/Suggestions/Critiques:
*what kind of place is it? You haven't actually told us. I sit a coffee shop or a diner or a restaurant? Just slip it in there somewhere. Like say 'It was a pleasant place, the diner, with busy students...' Make sense?
*I wanted to highlight the entire second paragraph here to praise you on it. But I figured I could get the same point across by just telling you. It really is an amazing paragraph. I like the small bit of background information we get. It's great for the movement of the story.
*aw! I was hoping Renee and Miles would be partners and become close and all that stuff
*just pointing out that you said her (Holly) eyes were sea blue earlier.
*so does she go to high school? I got the impression that she simply ran around free and completed missions for this Eth guy
*why would the student be the one to follow her orders? Wasn't he glaring at her just a second ago? It just seems kind of weird that he would do that without question.
*usually when someone's body is limp, they're dead. You could describe it as 'her frozen, crying body' or 'her rigid, crying body'
*I love how Miles is still incredibly concerned about Renee. He may not see her everyday, but he' all soft and caring when she's around
*grr. Why wouldn't they have told them what was going on! That makes me so upset! Ah! I just wanted to let that out. Okay, I'm done.
*It makes more sense now that I know the student was James. What I don't get is how Renee didn't even recognize Miles as Alex. I mean, I figured she would at least see something familiar about him or feel something towards him. Maybe she just hasn't seen him for a really, really long time.
Overall this is great. There are a few spelling mistakes here and there and you need to learn when to use commas and when not to. I suggest reading over it carefully and I'm sure you'll pick out the mistakes.
Alright, I'm on to the second chapter. I can't wait!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi there!

Alright, this chapter is a little disappointing after the mysterious prologue. Who knows, maybe you'll go back to that in the next chapter or something, but I was expecting something more. I did like all the dialogue, however, it really helped to shape the characters.
One critique I have of this is that we don't really know anything about the characters introduced here. Who are they? What do they look like? What grade are they in? How did they become friends? Are they all best friends or is one sort of shoved to the side every so often? Dig deep into their relationships and tell us what goes on between them. Also, tell us what they look like. Sure, I know that Kristy has red hair and James has a deep voice, but that's all I know. Tell me more.
I do like the sense of adventure and mystery you have going here. Someone mentioned earlier that they were confused because you didn't give much reason for what Rebecca is about to do, but I think it's great that you haven't told us. The unknown here really makes me want to come back and read the rest.
Good job with this overall. Can't wait to read more! Keep writing!
Hey Berlynn! Here again as requested!
Let's get right to it, shall we?
Alrighty, this is one of the few grammar things I ever comment on: dialogue construction. You see, dialogue has certain rules to adhere to grammatically speaking. From what I've quoted here, this is how it should look:
"No, not really," he sat down and she continued looking through pictures.
"Rebecca are you going to eat?" He pointed to my rejected tray.
"No, because this is made of plastic. It's disgusting," I pretended to gag.
Essentially, when a pronoun (he, she, etc) follows a string of dialogue along with a voice tag (said, asked, exclaimed, etc) the pronoun is not capitalized. The end of the dialogue, in the same way, is not ended with a period but with a comma inside the quotation marks (unless it's a question mark or an exclamation point). If the pronoun follows a string of dialogue and is being used with action, it is capitalized and a period is used inside the quotation mark and not a comma. Proper nouns (James, Rebecca, Kristy) are always capitalized no matter what. Here is an article that explains all the dialogue punctuation rules that you can refer to if you still have questions.
This makes me think that the prologue is something before the action of this first chapter. Which is rather disappointing because what was going on in the prologue was exciting and interesting and I wanted to know more about what happened with that. Frankly, I could care less about high school cafeteria food. Even if it's not very tasty, it's not very interesting to read about either (though, I adore Kristy and her photo project - Kristy is a character I could get along with; however, this Rebecca is not nearly as interesting as the Rebecca from the prologue).
Anyways, all this talk of Miles and secrets. We're going for mystery here, not total confusion. Right now, I'm sitting here thinking "secrets? what secrets? I don't understand what's happening and Rebecca has secrets and Miles is vaguely mentioned but have they robbed the bank already and why is Rebecca not talking to Miles anymore what happened there?". These are a few too many questions to be having this early on in the story. We want to keep our readers in the dark long enough to keep them interested, but if we completely shut out the lights they aren't going to know which way to go.
*long whistle* What an ending do we have here. This goes along with the question-raising the previous quote brought with it. Not enough happens in this chapter, and not enough is explained to get away with this sort of ending. As readers, we have absolutely no idea what sort of business Rebecca could have had in the theatre and why she would need to go back. We're lost, and awfully clueless when it comes to directions and we need a detailed map to get us where we need to go (a hint: that map is the story
xD All in all, this chapter is short enough that it could benefit from some serious fleshing out. Show us more of Rebecca's character and make her feel less cardboard-y and more real (same with James, I wanna know more about James). Give them small actions to do - even just how they're moving around in conversation/at lunch gives insight into their personalities. Explore more of their surroundings. Show us why we ought to care about this particular high school cafeteria and this particular trio of teenagers enough to keep reading.
Also, we need a lot of backstory. Or, at least enough so that we can follow what is happening in the story right now. We need to know why Rebecca has secrets, and why she has unfinished business in the theatre. The benefit of a first person narrative is you can impart this information through thoughts and it feels less info-dumpy and more conversational than it would in a third person narrative.
That's about all I have to say! If you'd like me to keep reviewing this for you, feel free to shoot me a PM or drop a note in my WRFF thread and I'd love to! I'm intrigued as to where this story is going, because it has promise.
If you have any questions or want to discuss something further, feel free to shoot a PM my way!
Keep writing!
-Lauren-
Hi again! Here I am to review the next part
Don't get sloppy! If you're missing words out, you clearly haven't thought carefully enough about your dialogue and/ haven't proofread.Line-By-Line
1. Line 8: Got cha should be one word.
2. Line 9: Whats should be What's.
3. I'm not sure the use of 'I guessed' as a dialogue tag works. Admittedly a high school girl might say, 'That's exciting I guess' but the way you've used it, it's too easy to read it as the standard meaning. What I'm trying to say is that it works in the present tense because its been developed for that use by high school girls across the world, but as soon as you try to transfer it to past tense, it just feels awkward.
4. Uh... what class is this project for or is it a personal project? I think you need to make that clearer because I can't think of any high school subject that it could relate to and it says a lot abour Kristy's chracter if it's a personal project.
5.
Plot
There's not enough happening in this chapter. The first section is very mundane dialogue and we learn little about the characters. There's a typical school canteen setting and it basically needs spicing up. Give them something exciting to talk about that's going to impact on your plot later. You've done this a little by introducing the crush that Kristy has on the other guy, but it needs more than that. Maybe they can tak about a party someone is going to host that they plan to attend or some homework they need to do. I don't know what your plot is so it's hard for me to advise.
Also, this is a single scene, that's not enough for a full chapter. A chapter should have at least some movement in it. You can't just leave your characters sat at a table, eating food and talking or our readers will fall asleep.
Info Dump
The end part of this chapter gives the reader too much. Suddenly every line has something crucial to the plot and you're not even trying to hide the fact that there is a spooky theatre room that has a scary past for the main character and they're going to end up filming there and you will slowly tell us what hapened in the past blah blah blah. You need to be more sneaky about things like that. You've got to hook the readers but leave them some mystery and make this feel 'real' instead of over dramatised and very obviously a 'story world'.
Overall
I like Kristy and her camera and her project. There was a lot of this I wasn't fond of but she saves it from being completely dull or unoriginal. She's spunky and fun and she has some good basic personality traits. The others are currently cardboard cut outs. Worse, your MC is a bit of a Mary Sue in the whole 'this cafeteria food is like plastic' way of thinking and your male character was the typical 'cool' and unconcerned high school boy.
Also you need more description! What makes this cafeteria different to any other? What are the chairs like, the lights, the trays? Give us some sense of setting to help draw us in to your story.
I hope this helps a little,
Heather xxx
Hi there, BerlynnRae! I'm here as you requested back in my WRFF.
I'm going to jump right into this.
For starters, your opening sentence. The opening sentence for both the prologue (if there is one) and first chapter is crucial to the rest of the story. It's what develops a first general impression for readers and pretty much lays out the kind of the story and kind of writing you'll be executing for the rest. In your case here, I wasn't too crazy about the opening line. It's pretty general, vague and, for lack of a better word, mainstream. There's no excitement or attractive hook in the first line like there should be. The first line is simply describing a stereotypical high school setting. What is so important about swooning girls and hot football players? Nothing that we don't already know. Or is it something very important to your story? Somehow, I doubt it.
Secondly, I'd like to discuss some about grammar. I don't usually in a review since either the writer has decent or exemplary grammar or the errors are so minute and far between that it would be utterly redundant to include in a review. However, you have many repeated grammatical mistakes that are rather hard to simply ignore. The thing is, they are simple errors that are just a misplacement of a comma or the lack of one. I'm not going to point out all of the errors since that wouldn't be good nor encourage you to improve on your own by spotting them yourself. Nevertheless, I'll include an example directly from your chapter:
There should be a comma inserted between the words 'exclaimed' and 'flipping'. It doesn't make sense otherwise. If you're having trouble spotting the rest of these repeated mistakes, it's totally easy to read or whisper aloud or having someone else read. You'll realize that in sentences like this, we would naturally pause between 'exclaimed' and 'flipping'. That is what a comma is there to represent - not quite full-stop punctuation, but a pause for either emphasis or to catch one's breath. Obviously, it equally applies to the written word.
Thirdly (and possibly lastly), I thought you could have definitely incorporated more narration here rather than an abundance of dialogue. Dialogue is nice, yes, but it can also be tedious in a first chapter that should be moving along rather nicely. Instead, I felt the dialogue was like your easy way out from detailed descriptions and descriptions of how Rebecca is feeling about all this (and what is this? I'm curious to learn what she has going on with this theater). Don't be afraid. What are these characters doing while they're discussing? What is the relationship between the three? Best friends? Are a certain two lovers? One cannot be sure and so you must take it under your wing as the designated writer to be precise and sufficient with information.
Overall, I think this is pretty interesting. I'm definitely very curious to see what's going to happen.
Yours,
Lavvie
Hi, BerlynnRae,
This seems like a nice start of a teen adventure, possibly in a Stine vein – I can imagine ghosts and stuff.
Sentences and word choices are midway between fine and clunky, but I won’t enumerate – you will develop as a writer, and by this time next year you’ll be able to detect all the clunkiness in your older pieces by yourself.
What I will call attention to is three purely technical things concerning dialogue.
1. "Oh it is!" She exclaimed – even if your word program insists that there must be a capital letter after the exclamation sign – ignore it. Capital letters, except for names of course, come only and only after a full stop. Everything else counts as a comma in this case. It should be "Oh it is!" she exclaimed
2. "Look," James finally said looking at me, "We know you don't like scary things." Here, the second part of his speech shouldn’t start with a capital letter. You only need one – the “L” in the “Look”, everything else is just a conctinuation. Now, if there had been a full stop after “looking at me” – then a new sentence would be starting and the capital letter would be correct, but since there is a comma, so it’s technically the same sentence. It should be "Look," James finally said looking at me, "we know you don't like scary things."
3. "Then count me out." I said standing up – here the “I said standing up” is obviously connected to the prior spoken words which should therefore end with a connecting comma, not a cutting off full stop.