Paper Cups

Hey there, Benway.

I skimmed down the usernames on your reviews so I know you’ve probably got a lot of constructive stuff going on. I haven’t read what they’ve said, as I don’t want to influence how I approach your poem at all. That said, in the interests of blank honesty, I dislike this poem. I think I mostly dislike it because all it is saying is “Love’s gone” which is all nice and sad and such, but it’s not terribly interesting in the package you’ve given us. For a topic which has (as most topics have) been used rather a lot, you need a kind of punchy hook for your reader. You don’t have this in your poem, more particularly you don’t have any line in this poem which could be considered a hook at all. That isn’t a problem, as such, I certainly write many poems which have no oomph or hold on their own. But I consider these poems bridging poems; they belong between two other poems, as their connector. We don’t have two other poems to balance yours at the moment, so we have to take what you have as a separate, informative piece.

There isn’t much to say about the lines in this poem, they’re short and simple and have no hold beyond the information you’re sending through them. They definitely try to be artistic (“retreating moon” etc) but the addition of a mutated reference “not a drop to drink” tells me not to take you seriously. I understand the symbolism you’re using here (I’m not sure who could miss it) the paper cup is so flimsy and still holds this hot, passionate love, until it’s used up. The paper cups aren’t crumpled and thrown away, they’re vessels waiting in a vain hope to be used again. And the love is gone, because all things go and all we can do is hold on to what is left behind, the cup. It is neither complex nor particularly interesting. We don’t feel anything for the narrator or his love; we’re fully detached from this poem and the sentiment present in it. What this means is that we (rather, I) don’t care at all what is going on in this poem, or the flimsy metaphor for love being toasted and then thrown.

My suggestions run toward reworking this piece. You need something with more guts, if you want this to be more than a bridging poem. We need more situation and more care.

I’m happy to elaborate on this, just give me a heads up and I’ll come back.
~ Penguin.

Re: Benway

Suit yourself. I never said I didn't like the piece though I sugar coated absolutely nothing you, but if you wish to toss aside the constructive criticism I put time into that's very much your loss.

Re: Kamas

While I appreciate a negative review for its critical perspective, I can't admit that I took anything really constructive from your comment. I'm taken by a general sense that you simply did not like the poem, and employed that distaste as a mood from which to launch into a highly subjective attempt at formal critique, which amounted to more arbitrary remark than useful suggestion. A review for your review, to encourage a more constructive artistic dialogue.

Hi Benway,

rather then having to clarify all this lovely information after, we should have come away with a clear understanding of the more important parts of your poem in the first place. If you have to explain yourself after: it was not clear and the poem did not do what it was intended to, plain and simple.

The tired intention of this poem is lost in the pretentious nature of the poem itself and the fact you've tried too hard to make it "pretty" and not hard enough on having it clear. You've let one hose running and whipping madly about, that being who you're addressing (of course it wouldn't be a hazard if you'd introduced it slowly but I digress). And as it is the closing note of the poem, though it holds not significance through the rest, it's mildly essential you do leave us hanging. Otherwise you provoke unhappy and dissatisfied readers.

Next:

Little paper cups
sitting all about the room
and not a drop to drink in them
but the retreating moon,
and so, in dregs of coffee
black and gone,

I drink to you, my far-way love,
and bid you ramble on.

The narrator of the poem is drinking to the "love."

re: Benway

so let me get this straight

you're drinking something that you are drinking to.

like buying around a whiskey for all your friends and raising your glass and saying "to whiskey!"

also I didn't ask why the cups were empty. I got that

Loved it. Coffee is always a good cure for a broken heart

Re: perdido

The cups are empty because the far-way love has been drunk to.

I think you can definitely get rid of the first two ands, I don't know the flow is a bit choppy I think it may have something to do with the commas. Of course, my solution would be to banish the commas forever to oblivion but of course you are not me so you wouldn't have to do that. I'd just try maybe editing the line structure a little bit, just tinkering around with it until it sounds right to you. Also this is a little nitpicky but I can't help but notice it:

"I drink to you, my far-way love"

no you don't. Because the whole rest of the poem is about how the cups are empty and the coffee is gone. So what are you drinking exactly? The moon maybe? I guess I could get there but I didn't the first few read throughs I didn't, I got too distracted by the coffee. So if you are drinking moon I'd go for a bit of an overhaul in rearranging and syntax to get something a little more powerful, but maintain the same amount of subtlety. Hope i helped?
Best

Re: joshuapaul

Not that I intended or am aware of. I'll sometimes employ verse, but rarely do I attempt to or succeed in holding to a strict meter.

Ha, well done. Clever indeed!

I drink to you, my far-way love,
and bid you ramble on.

This poem is amazing!
In one paragraph how you just took a simple everyday object and made a poem out of it is just so cool! And that's a pretty good rhyming scheme you've got there! I really enjoyed this poem even tough it was so short.
Keep up the awesome work!!
HarryPotterRocks

I love the imagery! It truly emotes the "longing" and "waiting" feeling. I love the length of the poem as well, it really plays well with emotion portrayed! My only wish is describe the paper cups more, for example; when your done the drink are they crumpled? Are they shattered? Are there any bite marks?. Also, put emotion in the cup to reflect the man in the poem. For example; Are the cups staring and him? Are they sad with him? Are they mocking him? Beautifully written and an incredible idea! You are crazy talented!

Hey Benway!

Okay, so I loved your poem. It kind of reminds me of "This Is Just To Say" by William Carlos Williams in its apparent simplicity in a common household item, but yet it means more. So it's awesome! It also kind of reminded me of this with its coffee-stained dirty glasses but... uh... that's for another discussion.

The one thing that I didn't quite like is mostly due to an obscenely nitpicky issue: I hate paper cups and hot drinks together. I much prefer Styrofoam in this case. But, as paper cups are also used, then it's okay. But the insulation worth is not so good. =/

Anyway, good to see you on!

OK, I usually dislike rhyming poems but I LOVED this.
I don't really have a lot to tear up besides that I think instead of 'not a drop to drink in them' should be '...FROM them'.
I think the best part of the poem isn't the imagery you created, but how that imagery let the reader think of a whole scene and story even though the poem was so short. haha I don't know, I just kind of thought of this whole scene to go alone with it and like a specific time and place and everything which is why i loved this so much.
It was really unexpected because I read it and i was like 'oh, another person trying to do the whole taking an everyday object and turning it into something interesting' but it wasnt! I was really different and creative.
GREAT job!

Re: Lumi

The abrupt stop of "black and gone" is intentional. The coffee (is black) and gone. The poem's narrator has nothing left to toast his "far-way love" with except the sentiment itself, bidding her keep on keepin' on, with the thought itself. It is, I think, a sweet poem--but also somewhat a tired poem. What there is to drink has been drunk, and at the end of the night, all that remains is the thought.

I loved reading your poem!! It was short, but it had awesome imagery!!

Hey there, Ben!

I’m entirely jealous of you, you know, because I completely fail at writing short poetry—getting that beautiful, nearly haunting essence packed into so few lines. But that’s what you’ve done here, and I think you’ve done it very well.

So, given the shortness of the piece, there’s not all that much to critique upon, though I have an issue with the second half. Let’s take a look at the momentum you make in the first four/five lines, and how that suddenly gasps to a halt at line six. Now, while I don’t think you’ve intentionally placed too much emphasis on rhythm and meter and all that jazz here, I do think that it may show a bit of importance to your reader since it rather subconsciously dictates how this little piece flows. I say it seems to be unintentional since there’s a not a set pattern of beats per line—and that’s perfectly fine (and preferable, in my book) since the content is good. However, the structure of the lines before line six, as I said, gives it a forward push that breaks when we reach

black and gone,

Wow I really like this poem. For me it seems to have so much important meaning behind it for such a small poem. The metaphors you used really help to make it so intently interesting. There isn't neccasarily a need to extend it, but it could easily be done if you wanted to. Great work!

This is really good. The lines rhyme and flow well, with balanced syllabic content, and I don't see anything grammatically wrong; I think that the overall format is good. Also, I like the way that you use paper cups as a symbol. It's creative. If you want to expand on this, maybe just lengthen the poem. Try to maybe add a bit more feeling, like the emptiness you feel when you look at the cups. Also, there are never too many metaphors and similes. Good job, keep it up, and I hope my review helps.