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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey, Bechteltheauthor! I'm BellaRoma, here with a review on your first chapter
Forgive me if I'm rusty... I have not done this in forever, you know.
Well, I must say, your premise both intrigued and delighted me. When you pegged this as science fiction, you meant dystopian, right? Normally I'm not a dystopian fan, but I am interested to see where this is going because it's not all about that. The whole idea of people associated with criminals being punished as well makes for an interesting plot; it makes me wonder if it would work...
This is only the first chapter, so you can't do everything (as obvious as I'm sure that must sound). Next I'd like to see more of the character(s) and the world they call home. Use description. Give people and places names. Let your readers get to know them so we care about what happens around them!
I have questions, which is good. Why was this law brought in? Whose idea was it? Doesn't the narrator have anyone associated with her who will be executed alongside her if she's caught? These are things the story should consider, in my opinion. I know it will, as you continue on this pretty solid foundation.
That's all, I think... I'll look out for the next chapter of this (which reminds me - do you have a title for the novel?)
~Bella~
Working title: going with "The sin of Association" right now. Open for suggestions. This is actually the second draft. I'm posting it here to get feedback and proofreading done for free.
And yeah, you pretty much guessed the rest of the book. there won't be much physical description. I'm really shooting towards minimalism in that regards. Trying out this new writing style.
Thanks for the feedback. Chapter 2 will be up tomorrow when I have the points.
I respect your choice, but characters need depth and human qualities. The response to your work is our empathy with them. Writers make us feel ! I can see this being your downfall, when there's nothing wrong with your plotline.
Enough ranting. I like the title, btw. Go for it!
Correction: I meant physical descriptions of the world and peoples appearances.
There will be depth and human qualities, that's the focus of the story not the world around them which doesn't really need that much detail explained. Some, yes, more than this chapter but The human element is the focus. You bunched all of those suggestions in one sentence, and so my rejection of one sounded like a rejection of all of them.
In answer to your questions.
to be determined.
to be determined
and of course!
Hey! Cello here!
Wow, that was interesting. This is an amazing start to a story. You did a great job at developing characters and really got the plot rolling.
Some suggestions-
Okay, so correct me if I'm wrong, but you could use a semi-colon here. Take out 'anyways' and change it to '...death; he was already..." I feel like the 'anyways' didn't help the flow of things and this set up will do a lot better.
Eh, I'm always picky on exclamation points. If it's not in dialogue, I never use them, though that's just me. You could go with or without it here. I would ditch it but that's just a matter of opinion.
Lastly- I hope you'll be revealing the main characters name in the next chapter. If this is more of a intro then it's totally cool to stick strictly to pronouns, but I might suggest saying a name once or twice anyway.
This is where pronouns become a bit of a problem though. You can't say 'his', the reader doesn't know who the 'his' is referring to. (Well yes, we all know, it's pretty clear, just not proper) Just change it to 'the dead body' oppose to 'his body', it makes everything clear.
Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello
There we go. Some productive feedback. Yeah I'm horrible with semi-colons. It's my greatest weakness as a writer. And I like your suggestions on the word use. I think I'll take it into practice.
The name wasn't necessary in this chapter and so I didn't add it, and since there were two characters of opposite pronouns there really wasn't need for greater specification, nor will there be later. I'm debating with myself as to weather or not I'll use her name at all in the story outside of conversation, and even then only sparsely. It is told from a semi-first person perspective and most human interactions will be brief and small in number. So you'll learn her name when she's spoken to. You don't even need to know her name to know her story. I think I'll rewrite my first draft with no names at all. A nameless protagonist.
Thanks for the feedback though.
Hi, Tulip here to give you a review today.
Okay, so this chapter seemed very confused. Your ideas seem to be scattered. Not that it's a bad thing, but I feel like you flow from one idea to another to fast.
The imagery is okay. It's over used, but in a few spots I feel like you have used it more. Especially when you began out your story. The first few lines didn't even draw me into this story, but I read it anyways. That is not how you want to start out a chapter. It should automatically draw the reader in. A word or phrase or even the imagery you provide should be more than enough to do that. That isn't the case in this chapter.
If it's raining outside, you could mention that fact in some of the areas. Maybe she can hear it tapping against the glass, like a witness to the horrendous crime she has just committed. Make it part of the scene, maybe they live on a one story home, so they should be able to hear it as it hit the rooftop. And even home should have window's so they should have been able to hear it anyways. You are focused on the scene at hand but you could incorporate it in.
Now, I know that there is a lot of things to work on that I gave you but I do not think that this is a bad chapter. Every piece that is submitted to YWS isn't perfect because everyone knows that we are far from perfect. So I am leaving this for your hands. Take what you want from this. I am just hoping that this will be helpful for you.
Good luck in future chapters,
Tulip!
Thank you. Your criticism is actually praise believe it or not. The scenery isn't important, it's her confused state of mind, and I'm happy to have properly conveyed that, but I'm sorry you didn't like the style. You should try to avoid scifi, particularly heinlein and rand.
Your criticism is praise