Determined: The Story of a Beautiful Jew. Chapter Two.

Hi beautiful,
A nice story and a brilliantly written chapter .I just have one problem,
"This sickened me, that they thought we were so cowardly" You shouldn't use 'cowardly' here.
The sentence should have been:'This sickened me that they thought we were so coward."
Nothing more to nit-pick.Keep writing!!!

The story is coming on beautifully.I love how much emotion you put into your character. It seems to be very fast paced though in my opinion. Slow down and describe more things to us. What does the journey feel like. What happens during it? What does Auschwitz look like from the outside. I think you could develop the character of the brother a little more and even the parents. I really enjoy this story and I hope that my suggestions helped!

It's such a great story so far! The description is wonderful, and the characters are interesting, I can't wait to read more of this story!:)

Okay, so I've had a lot of comments today, so I'll address them one by one.

Kaywiia (love your username btw!): Thanks for saying you love this :] Haha that kinda made my day. Chapter Three will be up soon!

JasmineBells: Thank you for the tip :] I definitely see your point. I kinda skimped a bit on that part because I was eager to get to the suspense filled ending. I deff see what you're saying, though. Keep reading! :]

Ben Franks (review): Wow! Your review truly made me feel good about my writing! Seriously, your review made me feel great. I kind of feel like I'm really good at emotive narration, like you said. I don't know where it comes from, it just kind of spills onto the page when I'm writing. Thank you so much for saying I'm really talented, I really do put a lot of effort into my work and it feels good when someone makes comments like that. I'm currently writing Chapter Three Thank you so so much again!

Love for all!

What Jasmine? I disagree... hugely.

jasminebells wrote:

Despite the mind-numbing conditions, the trip was a relatively short one. One a day and a half of the sweating, thirsting, crying, and shoving. Halfway through the second day, the car came to a stop. There was a small window above us.

I would rewrite thoroughly revise and edit this whole thing completely, because two days without food or water, crammed into a room the size of a closet with 60 other people would not be considered short in my mind. How does she know it's a short ride? She's never been on one of these. How do you know? It's implied.this is how I would do it.

The two days of mind-numbing conditions [[[killed off at least 2 people]]] - Really? Wow. I'm sorry but this seems blunt and makes me feel like I've missed some of the story. It's also TOO info-dumped, I wouldn't have suggested this. I tried to block out the screams of thirst and hunger, the wails of crying children, the pain of being roughly shoved around the little space we had and the smell of sweat and death by staying inside my head and squeezing my family's hands. -- That line was okay, but it's a little too dramatic for what I thinks trying to be portrayed. Suddenly in the midle of the second day, the carriage halted to a stop. My father, being the tallest, peered through the minisqule window directly above us -- Sometimes simplicity owns all.

Hello again! I reviewed your first chapter as well because I thought it would help! Anyway here I am as requested! Right'o, here are my thoughts and suggestions! (In a lively and lovely purple. Quite an admirable colour wouldn't you agree?)

BeautifulDoom wrote:Chapter Two


All thoughts were wiped from my head as my family and I wordlessly joined hands and walked out the door -- This is a fabulous way to start. You've got the emotion, plot development and grab that make up a truly exceptional beginning. Guns were not pointed at us, for they knew we would not run. Good, its a well-created atmosphere here. This sickened me, that they thought we were so cowardly We're inside your characters mind and it's brilliant, the emotion you portray in your writing is beautiful. What I would suggest is to elaborate on it. I shuddered and tried to just think about one thing: Just put one foot in front of the other. I love this and because I'm a history 'buff' I can truly associate to this line and imagine what it's like. Very thought-provoking. I love your start, you've included the pull you've needed and kept the tension going from Chapter one.
I felt my mother squeeze my hand and I looked over at her.(scratch full stop and use a semi-colon, then uncaptitalize "She". This makes these lines flow better and maintains atmosphere through your fluency. She was never a particularly strong woman, and it worried me to see her like this. Good, we're finding out more and more without being info-dumped - excellent and well-written. I wished I could hug her. Oh, how we've all felt like this at some point! Almost every reader could relate to this, which is why the emotional feel is so beautifully conveyed. I'd love to see more short and simple snappy sentence gems like this in your work. Brilliant!
All of a sudden, we were pushed into a huge line of other people; each and every one of them individual, but not to the Germans. We were just products. (Hehe, this is just a little creative suggestion. Sometimes I feel you need to elaborate the atmosphere a little more to maintain that 'feel'). German soldiers patrolled the line, making sure no one spoke or objected How horrible it must be! Lovely.. It was about ninety-five -- numbers as large as this should be written as '95'. Only numbers between 0 and 20 should be spelt out, but this is just my own opinion; it's upto you degrees out, and I could feel the back of my dress sticking to my skin. Good setting and gradual, though implied, plot development. My hands felt clammy -- well-described and a good choice of language and uncomfortabley caught in the warm grip of my mother and brother. We waited for ten minutes. Twenty Minutes Then twenty (just a suggestion). This heat is unbearable.[i](comma -- not full stop)[/i] I thought miserably. I wanted to cry, to scream, anything to end this agonizing heat. I like how in this paragraph you've wondered off the dangers of the Nazis and talked about the irratations she's experiencing. This is brilliant because in similar situations this is the kind of way the human mind naturally works, it wonders off of the problem and begins attacking the irratants with the anger from the major problem. This is why your emotive writing is so powerful, because the way you portray it is so easy for the reader to associate with. Truly wonderful.
Farther down the line,(no comma needed) a small boy fainted to the ground. I did not know this boy, but somehow a strange sense of panic came over me as a tall German soldier walked over to where he fell. As naturally as anyone would. I think you need to spice this sentence up a little. It seems to lack the tension it deserves and I think you need to 'bam' that power in there to keep the atmosphere at the tense level. This is the road to some flawless work and you're definately heading there. He nudged the boy's shoulder with his boot, but to no avail. He did not stir. I looked away, because I knew what was coming. Taking away the 'because' makes this read choppy, which may sound bad but for tense situations such as this it has a good effect on the reader. I think little things like this would greatly improve your writing. Again, though, wonderful way to end a paragraph, it's keeping the tension and forcing the reader to continue as well as not being overboard.
There was a loud gunshot, and then silence. I slowly turned my head and saw the bloody mess that was the boy's head. Good atmosphere, control of writing and setting here. Pink and red slime oozed onto the road, and the people around him were splattered with blood -- this sentence should be removed. You've taken away the implied atmosphere and described a horrid scene that a shot in the head to a human-being, who is laying down, probably wouldn't have delivered. Keep it as "the bloody mess" or you may risk putting off some readers for going overboard - especially in scenes such as this. Suggestion (replace with): "I tried hard to pull my gaze away as quickly as I could, but I was too shocked to withdraw my gaze." (Or something). It seemed as if no one cared, the boy was probably alone. My heart sank and I tried not to sob. Brilliant, your writing has come back here and you've regained my gripped interest.
After what seemed like years, a single, rickety cattle car pulled up about twenty feet away from us. Good setting created and the plot development's come at the right time it should. The Germans held out their guns and we were all were [filed] -- I realise the image you're trying to create, but I'd suggest "crammed" as a more suitable word into the cattle car. There must have been sixty of us, but we were crammed somehow all managed to get (just a suggestion) into a tiny car that was no bigger than our tenement room. This is a good comparison because it can blend something the reader's familiar with with your image. I think the "must have been sixty of us" was an exageration, however, I think this has a positive effect because it reflects character development, so I'd keep it.
Immediately, I felt claustrophobic. Good image as well as personality response. Sweaty bodies pressed against mine. me from all sides. The only awareness of my family's prescence was their hands that I still had locked in mine. I would not lose them, I thought. Well-written line. They're all I have left. Fantastic way to end this paragraph and the grip is maintained.
The car began moving, and it was a horrible, torturous ride. Very good choice of language, but elaborate. Was it uncomfortable? The heat had worsened? The ground made it vibrate uncontrollably? Etc. The sun blared on the roof of the car, and it must have been ninety five degrees there -- you've repeated temperature which isn't very good to read. I'd scratch the whole line, but it's upto you. There was no space to move, no space to even think Brilliant portrayal. Everywhere my eyes darted, there were bodies and I could not struggled to move an inch -- just a suggestion to "spice up" your language. We were packed in like sardines,(remove comma) and all I could hear were the cries and moans of the [Jews] -- others, be careful not to refer to them from a 'third party' view. As you're writing in first person, put yourself in a Jewish girls place and think: Am I really going to refer to them as Jews? Or as other people? - Especially on a subject like Nazi Germany it's important to get these perspectives right suffering from dehydration. Again, emotional and thought provoking paragraph that sticks the reader into the story. Well done.
I tried to avoid breathing through my mouth, for it was as dry as a desert. I enjoyed that description. I felt weak and starving, like somebody had scraped out my stomach with a spoon until there was nothing left. -- That's fab! Another little gem of writing! I heard my little brother whimpering. My thoughts became in a daze. Reads better.
Despite the mind-numbing conditions, the trip was a relatively short one. Again, good area to restart your plot development so you've structured this very well and the fluency is excellent. One a day and a half of the sweating, thirsting, crying, and shoving A whole day and a half? I feel that this has changed atmosphere from your first sentence to the paragraph a little to much. You should say "Less than one day and..." if you want to keep the time but make it feel better with your first line. Halfway through the second day, the car came to a stop. There was a small window above us.(replace this full-stop with a semi-colon. My father, being the tallest, peered through it.
"There is a tall iron gate with words on the top," he said slowly, no doubt trying to fight the daze in his head Good relation and language, the viewpoint is right and the image is vivid -- your reader's attention is maintained. "Auschwitz". For those who know what this is and read your book will feel the bang with that line! The fact you've put it in italics I'm very happy about! This delivers a punch of impact and is one of the best bits of writing I've seen. The idea that it's been structured on it's own and is short is fabulous. Love, love, love it!
No one recognized the name. And again, what a way to end

This is great! I think that the only little nitpick I saw was this paragraph:

Despite the mind-numbing conditions, the trip was a relatively short one. One a day and a half of the sweating, thirsting, crying, and shoving. Halfway through the second day, the car came to a stop. There was a small window above us.

No problem!

I love this a lot. Keep on writing!

Hmm. No, you definitely didn't come across as rude :] I see what you're saying...especially the part about how I was focusing more on the heat than on the actual feelings she was having. You're totally right about that, by the way. Well, next Chapter is gonna be a major turning point, an I'll definitely take your advice. Also, I think I'll wait a few days before posting Chapter Three. Your advice is really helping me! Thank you

Hello Beautiful! Haha anyways, I liked it. But some advice, I learned yesterday, is to wait about a week before posting another chapter. That way everyone has a chance to soak in your first chapter and everything. So I think you posted this one a little to soon.

Anyways, I liked how you included Auschwitz, I thought it was really neat. I only had a couple problems this time. One is the character development once again. In my opinion, which really isn't super important since your the author and I'm not, is you need to slow down the story just a tiny bit. Like instead of them instantly showing up in front of the Auschwitz gate, maybe write about the journey there? If you did that you give us readers a little more character development. Talk about how frightened she is because she has no clue where she is going and what is in store. Talk about her feeling towards her mother and brother and how torn apart she would be if she lost them.

Also in the paragraph where you talk about the heat. It seemed to me she was more bothered by the heat then the fact her and her family are now hostages.

Once again, sorry if I came across rude. I really hope I didn't. But I love the subject your writing on and look forward to more!