The Magic Glove
We had been riding for four days. I was riding on my unicorn whose name was Scags. He was a very strong and he shoots lasers out of his horn. We were riding and we came upon the ruins of Hogwarts. I was walking through the rubble and there it lay. The magic glove. Sparkling and shimmering the glove was so powerful. The glove, more powerful than Dumbledore, levitated above the pedestal. I took the glove and me and Scags rode into the sunset. Jumping with joy Scags frolicked in the flowers. As me and my unicorn Scags we're riding through the woods we heard a sound like a baby screaming and so we rode out of the forest as fast as we could.
When me and Scags finally set up camp for the night we both took a look at the magic glove. It was just like any ordinary glove except when you put it on you could do spells like a wizard. So of course I was trying out some spells with it like to light our campfire and make us dinner. Then out of nowhere we hear a noise. BAM! Then we hear some rustling in the bushes. What is that ? I thought. Scags and I pack up our bags and we head back on the road. We travel for days and nights. By the time we get to the next town, are clothes are ragged, both of us shivering from coldness and yawning from being tired. We were so cold are bones were frozen. The town we arrived at was called Millwood and was very old and not very many people lived there. We went to a hotel and were getting ready to go to bed when we heard a noise. Then we hear voices yelling and people screaming so we pack our bags and leave.
“We are going to ride till we find somewhere safe.” Scags informed me with a neigh.
As Scags and I were riding through the forest, out of nowhere Lord Voldemort appeared and stole the glove and rides away. We tried to chase him but he was too fast. We followed him like a cheetah, our hearts racing. We were riding extremely fast.
“You will never get the glove”! Voldemort says with a snarling smile.
“Whats wrong with his face?” Scags asked.
I replied worriedly “That’s what happens when you are evil.”
Running to the castle, Scags and I try to break in, but Lord Voldemort’s thug like guards wouldn’t let us through.
Scags then whispers “Jump on my back and we can fly and steal the glove from Lord Voldemort.”
“Okay” I say and jump on his back and we fly to the top of the castle. Scags fires lasers out of his horn to distracts Lord Voldemort and then I grab the glove from him and I cast a spell which shoots fire out of the glove and destroy Lord Voldemort forever. Then as me and Scags are flying into the sunset I think about how this all started when we found the glove in the castle ruins of Hogwarts and how it changed our life.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
128,291 Literary Works • 671,489 Reviews
Hi BallisLife! Welcome to YWS! I hope you’re enjoying yourself so far.
Let’s review!
I’m already beyond interested with the mention of Hogwarts and unicorns! Hello my type of story!
I think you should choose a few different openers compared to just ‘I’ and ‘We’. You could use ‘as’ within this sentence: As we were riding, we came upon the ruins of Hogwarts.
This also gets rid of an ‘and’. I hate those. I ban those from my writing.
Wait? What was the baby screaming? I want to know! Your character doesn’t seem to want to know.
I think you need to treat this has just one chapter of a novel. Not using it as the whole story in one go.
Why is your character travelling in the first place? How does he know what the glove is? How did Voldemort know here he was? What are these noises and why does he keep running from them?
I’m confused.
Good luck. Feel free to ask me any questions, anytime!
Olive <3
Hello there.
Let's begin with your lack of buildup. So much goes unexplained between chapters; it results in the story feeling rushed. I'll give you a few ideas to put meat on the bones:
Why's the main character looking for the glove? From the way you described it, it sounded like he knew what it was.
Describe Scag's personality. He seems to be the main character's sole companion, so he deserves more depth than being "very strong" and "shooting lasers." You also should mention that he can talk before he speaks in the story. Talking horses caught me off-guard.
What happened to Hogwarts? Apparently, schist got real. Why's Voldemort around when Dumbledore's gone? (Speaking of which, wouldn't this qualify as "fanfiction?")
You didn't describe the glove, other than "sparkled and shimmered" and "very powerful." Did it look like it was cut of a brilliant diamond? Was it inlaid with beautiful sapphires? Or was it just a regular glove? Whatever it looks like, a central object always deserves description.
The wizard laser battle? You gave it one sentence. Harry Potter spent 7 novels and 8 movies killing Voldemort. I would've imagined that he'd put up more of a fight.
You might want to consider using periods or commas to break up long sentences.
Overall, this story was good, but way too short. Slow down the pace in the beginning, and put more detail into killing the You-Know-Who. Cheers.
-Chaser
I don't get it. It needs way more content. It was probably the shortest story I have ever read that contained that many different things.
Why were the people screaming?
Are you a muggle? How did you find and domesticate a unicorn?
Help!
Your story could use a little more emotion. I don't mean like it's boring or anything just that the story don't really give a clear enough picture for the reader.
You should try using something else for 'me and Scags' after saying it once. I suggest using proper grammar or if you're going for less traditional maybe something like "me and the most amazing unicorn of all time" (I know bad suggestion you get the point). That would help to make the story sound more interesting by using different words.
I'm not sure if you intended it to, but also the story moves very quickly. Try describing more of the setting to slow down the pace a little. What does the wind feel like near the ruins of Hogwarts? Or what does Voldemort look like now, appearing out of nowhere?
There were many opportunities for better adjectives (just examples): fast=>rapid jump=>pounce fly=>jet steal=>peculate
so don't be afraid of more complex words
Keep writing, it'll come naturally. :]