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floating

by BailorAsh


sometimes i feel 

i'm floating

up up and

away and i'm 

just floating

a day, and a day and 

i'm flying

past the sun

through the stars

and i'm gliding

way past venus

and mars

and just as i 

approach the far dark

i will wake up in math class

remember the stars


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37 Reviews


Points: 300
Reviews: 37

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Sun Jun 02, 2019 6:13 am
demoncat wrote a review...



Hello demoncat revewing.

And I really like this poem but it's kind of hard to read the way it's spaced. Perhaps a sentence per line? And if you wanna break it up into ... Stanzas? (Sorry if my spelling and terminology is off.) I think Maybe that would help as well. Also I was kind of confused by the part that says a day, and a day. Im not sure if that's a typo or it means many days? But like other then those two things it's really awesome. I like the image your portraying. It's very whimsical.




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114 Reviews


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Sat May 18, 2019 9:14 pm
FabihaNeera wrote a review...



Hello,

This is nicely written! I like the idea you are conveying in this poem and then the small twist you have at the end. I think what you could improve on is maybe using punctuation by breaking this up into sentences because you used the word "and" a lot.

and i'm

just floating

a day, and a day


These lines are more like a repetition of the last ones... so I don't think these words are necessary. Especially since I don't really understand what "a day and a day" means with the idea of floating.

remember the stars


This is a nice line that carries a deeper meaning, and I like how you italicized it too. But I feel like this line kind of came out of nowhere. The previous line conveys the idea of waking up in math class (so it's a dream or a daydream), and suddenly you have this last line with no context. I think you can add more to this to tie the whole poem up better at the end.

Anyway, that's all from me! I hope to read more of your work.

Keep Writing. :)




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301 Reviews


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Thu May 16, 2019 10:58 pm
fraey wrote a review...



Hey there BailorAsh, and welcome to the site! ^^ I'm just stopping by to give you a review on this poem of yours.

Since you're a new member, I figure I could show you one of the resources we have to make good reviews and to have a good starting base for all reviews: The YWS Critique Sandwich. For more information, it can be found here if you're interested!

There are three layers to this style: what I liked, what I think could be improved on, then a summary about the work and what I thought about it. Of course, there are all sorts of ways to organize reviews, but this is a good basis.

To start off, what I liked. I like the lack of capitalization and that it's carried through the whole poem, as this adds to the dream-like tone the speaker seems to be getting at. This person can easily fall into a different state of mind even in a classroom setting, which is certainly relatable to quite a few readers who grow bored or tired while trying to learn. I like the bits of imagery we have here - a figure letting go literally of their world and leaving the earth when they want to. Good for them. I'm sure plenty of people wish they could do, especially in a math class. I think the more simplistic lines work well in getting a straight-forward message to the reader, that this speaker doesn't want to be here and is losing themselves.

Now, what I think could be improved on. There's a lot of repetition in here, from "floating" being used twice in the poem and as the title itself, then "up up," "a day," "past," and "and." My recommendation to modify this would be to read through this and see maybe if you could find synonyms for these words or apply them in different ways. Maybe use "lost" instead of "up up" to see "i'm floating, lost" to bring some different images to this poem as well. Continuing on, there aren't any separate sections, this just flows as one whole stanza, and there's one comma used in the entire poem. I think using a few more commas between "up, up" or a period at the second-to-last line "math class" to then send the final line at the reader with a bang. My last point is to go over where the lines break. I would say to read over this aloud and then see where the natural breathing points could go.

A simple way of trying to break this into stanzas is to hit enter to separate couplets/groups, then hit shift with enter to make a single space between those small groups, if that makes sense.

Now, a small conclusion. I think that this is a decent start at a poem, with a clear message. I think there are a few areas you could improve, such as bringing in some different imagery and figurative language to make this more a vivid idea in the reader's mind. Nice job so far and good luck.




BailorAsh says...


Thanks for your compliments and constructive criticism!




May you never steal, lie, or cheat. But if you must steal, then steal away my sorrows. And if you must lie, then lie with me all the nights of your life. And if you must cheat, then please, cheat death.
— An Unknown Bride, Leap Year