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Infinity, Galaxy, & Mind

by deleted1967


in a withering space

my mind wanders

wisping as a willow often would

grasping stars of destruction and uncertainty

the thoughts beyond my knowledge

my conscience

in a withering space

i seek answers to questions

that have no answers

but i pry until i find something to my least

satisfaction

from planet to planet

meteor to meteorite

galaxy upon galaxy of endless thoughts

imagination to infinity

an infinite universe of creativity

some stars do burn out

burn and fade away

their existence left untraceable

but new stars fill the spaces

an undying need for a new planet

one with zillions of its own stars

a bright new planet

growing brighter and brighter

until it becomes a sun

~ ~ ~

Hey, author here! So I've realized that the message in this poem is a little vague... and some of the diction is kinda weird, but I'd still love to hear what you think about it! 


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452 Reviews


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Mon Aug 07, 2017 8:20 pm
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there! MJ stopping by for a (pitiful attempt at a) review!

wisping as a willow often would


What do you mean by 'wisping'? It doesn't make sense to me.

meteor to meteorite
Meteor and meteorite aren't exchangeable, because meteor refers to just the rock that flies around in space and a meteorite is a meteor that enters earth's atmosphere. For that reason, I would say 'meteor to meteor'.

a bright new planet

growing brighter and brighter

until it becomes a sun

Personally, I think that you should replace 'planet' with 'star', since stars could technically grow into suns, and they are already balls of gas that shine bright. It seems to fit better, at least in my opinion. That's just my preference, though, so do as you like :)

Overall, I thought this was a pretty deep poem. I agree with Kays that your poem could be improved by fixing the stanzas. It's understandable how the Publishing Center can mess up the line system that you might have used, but if you hold shift+enter, it will give you a normal line, and you can use that within a stanza and then just press enter to separate them. You can also look online to find other ways of dividing stanzas.

My main critique would be to figure out which direction you want your poem to go, because like you put in your author's note, you started out with this intriguing idea of how the MC wants answers to questions, but then that idea got a little bit lost later in the poem. The wording was beautiful, but I got lost in the overall meaning. In my opinion, poems should always give readers a takeaway, something that they'll remember about life from reading the poem, either a reminder about a familiar topic or something new. This poem lacked that since it didn't come all the way around, just kinda wandered down a trail.

Hopefully this review was helpful, and if you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

MJ out!

*poof*




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1080 Reviews


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Fri Aug 04, 2017 2:47 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



Hi there BaileyMatwiiw and welcome to YWS! This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review. Before we begin, I just wanted to let you know if you've got any questions about the site, don't be afraid to ask me or any other names in green or red! Without further ado, let's delve into the review (I've used that rhyme twice now, oops).

Mmm, I realize that the formatting of the Publishing Center might've messed up the stanzas in this poem if there were any, so let's start with that. If there aren't stanzas, I suggest adding them in for a stronger structure instead of a constant flow. This helps dictate the flow while also making the piece easier to read/have a better aesthetic. There are a couple ways that you're able to do this.

The first way and the most common way is to line up all the lines in a stanza and then press shift+enter where you're wanting the line breaks to be. The second and easier way to accomplish this is to put a dash or something like '~' between stanzas to indicate the end of a stanza and the beginning of a new one. Here is a guide on formatting poetry that might also help you here.

That being said, let's dig more into the actual content. There are two usages of repetition in this piece that I wanted to touch on. The first can be found in the first line while the second is repeating six lines after. I don't have a problem with repetition but I do however have a problem with inconsistency. If you're going to be using repetition, I'm going to suggest repeating that line every six lines.

The device is similar to rhyme in that nine times out of ten, there should be a pattern or scheme. The reader is led on to believe that there's going to be another use, but there isn't. There are a lot of different aspects of the device to focus on and a lot of questions to ask yourself--how often do you want to use repetition? How many times do you want to use repetition? Finally and arguably the most important question, what is the repetition being used for?

All of that aside, I enjoy the word choice that's used in this poem. That's easily the strongest element here. On the other hand, I wanted imagery that goes into more depth before switching the topic. Overall, this captures the setting of space well and uses nice vocabulary to do so. What I wondered about after finishing the poem is the theme. There doesn't seem to be one? I'm confused by the phrase 'withering space'--what is it? What do you mean by withering? There needs to be clarity on the theme and some of these lines as this is mentioned in the Author's Note--at least, the message is. Work on that. I can't say I didn't enjoy this, there are just a couple of improvements that can be made to make this even stronger!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




deleted1967 says...


Thanks! Oh! I do have one question! How do you copy quotes from the piece into your review? I never could find out how to do that...



Kaylaa says...


Insert the part you're wanting to quote into the [quote][/quote] code! c:




Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana