Once upon a time, there lived a little girl in a dark, dark forest.
Only she wasn’t that little, and it wasn’t a forest.
No, this girl lived in a big and bustling city -though that’s not to say it wasn’t dark- and growing up in this city, it was difficult to call anyone little.
But she loved this city, and felt at home. She would go out every night, to her grandmother’s flat, wearing a short red dress and blood red lips.
And though she knew better, she always found herself straying from the path, walking towards a pretty shop or a flashing club.
And every time, a dog of a man would creep over, alcohol on his breath and hands on her hips, murmuring against her protests. It was terrifying, and would send her pulse racing, but it didn’t stop her from exploring. She would always escape when she told them where she was going, something other girls were advised against.
After all, how else would she get her revenge?
So, on she would continue to her granny dear’s flat, checking over her shoulder every now and then to see if she was being followed. She allowed herself a small smile when she was. She was going to a downtrodden place, with filth pouring out of every corner.
And so she knocked on the flat, one, two, three times, and let herself in. It was empty.
Shortly after closing the door, she heard another rap-tap-tap, and opened the door with a smile on her face.
Facing her was a man with a hat worn against the cold. Sensible, but it didn’t let her see his features. Shame.
And so she asked, “Who are you?”
“I’m a friend of your grandmother’s. Let me in.”
“A friend of my grandmother’s?” she would cry. “What, with such scraggly clothes?”
“Yes, these clothes let me… spend my money on more valuable things. Let me in.”
She nodded her head in understanding. “Ah, yes. That does make sense. But how could you be a friend of my grandmother with such a gruff, angry voice?”
“Yes, my voice is something beyond my control, but… it lets me stop villains.”
“Oh, of course. I imagine it would stop them in their tracks.” She sniffed the air. “But how could you be a friend of my grandmother, when you stink so of beer?”
“Yes, that’s so I can enjoy myself. Let me in.”
And with this the man pushed passed her and slammed the door shut, revealing the man she had ran into, though she couldn’t tell which one. There were so many, they seemed to blur together.
And now she laughed, for the stupid man had locked the door, leaving him no escape. She reached into her hand bag of goodies, and brought out a knife, a mad smile on her face.
Silly, silly dog. Could he not smell a predator when it looked him in the eye? Did he not know the difference between wolf and girl? Though she wasn’t the beastly one in the room.
She couldn't save all the girls, so she would settle for cutting him in half and avenging them.
And at the end of the night, she would set off from the empty flat, where no grandmother had ever lived, her short red dress and blood red lips more perfect than ever.
And the next night, she went to visit her grandmother.
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Hello! Just dropping by for (only my second revmo) review!!
I really enjoyed reading this short story and I have minimal criticisms for you!!
I didn't catch any spelling or grammar mistakes. However, you started a lot of sentences with 'and', which some people might tell you is a problem. Personally, I love starting sentences with 'and'!!
There were a couple places where your flow seemed a little odd...
For example I would change "No, this girl lived in a big and bustling city -though that’s not to say it wasn’t dark- and growing up in this city, it was difficult to call anyone little." To "No, this girl lived in a big and bustling city -not to say it wasn’t dark- and growing up in this city, it was difficult to call anyone little."
There were a few places that were a bit confusing...
Such as "Silly, silly dog. Could he not smell a predator when it looked him in the eye? Did he not know the difference between wolf and girl?" Which seems much more likely to be the girl's thoughts than the narrator's - so maybe put it in italics?
Also, the last sentence is very unclear "And the next night, she went to visit her grandmother" is she actually going to visit her grandmother/or is she just going to kill some more people. Either of these seem like a weird point to end on because the former doesn't seem relevant to the story and the latter seems like something you've already established and that the readers can assume on their own. Honestly, I would just get rid of the last sentence. I think "her short red dress and blood red lips more perfect than ever." Is a pretty great ending!
My final critique is that I would like "the girl" to have a little bit longer back story. I am all for murderous woman, but I feel like if their only characterization is red lipstick and revenge they become a bit cliche. Don't over do it, but a few more details about her past or personality would be nice!
Now, I'm going to end this review with things I enjoyed about your story...
I love fractured fairy tales! Especially ones where the main character isn't a perfect little princess!
You established you narrator's voice to sound very similar to other fairy tale narrators. This was really cool!
I love the phrase "dog of a man".
Finally, I love that when the girl is asking the man questions she appears really naive, but in fact he's the naive one!!
Overall, great work! I really loved this piece! Keep it up!
~ spectator