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16+ Language Violence

A Bleeding Dear Thing

by Baezel


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

These ancient, wide old trees only let in the softest breaths of sun,

everything slowly unfurling and sprouting in this cool light.

Eda sprints towards me,

and I duck,

as her short sword slices down,

but she parries my strike at her

ribs.

We step apart,

panting,

sweat rolling off my brow but

not into my eyes.

not into my eyes.

I lunge forward aiming for her

thigh to slice open the artery

there and bleed her dry-

leave her twitching on this soft moss.

But I don’t.

I jerk-

we’re both surprised-

I jerk to her left before my brain told my legs to do so.

My arms catch up first,

but she spins before my blade meets her kidney

and her block is hasty and fuck

that hurt, ringing through into

my spine like a hammer on a knife on an anvil,

but badly,

ruining the knife

against the anvil.

I trip over a rock behind me.

Just a step, and I adjust, quickly,

but I was off balance and when she pushes

off

against the ground and

kicks

I have to fall

like Troy

(who’s Helen?)

and her sword stands like she had buried it in clay.

We’re both panting.

She looks at me,

in the eye.

Her eyes are hot.

Not the warm honey eyes of a lover.

Not the bright devil eyes of a rival.

But hot, like a fire within myself.

We’d both been here for so long.

I can’t remember why I was fighting.

And the heat of her eyes is not remorseful.

I can see neither guilt, nor hatred.

I think, privately, we are past emotions,

and have just been left with this heat.

She will not draw this out, for there is no pleasure in that,

not in this gentle embrace in this sage old forest.

She drags down, quickly,

pulling her blade out,

then leaning on it,

between my ribs.

My intestines spasm- I can see them.

A shocking green blends with the outpouring of blood,

as my liver bursts open.

It’s all brown, like the dirt.

And god, I feel so warm,

leaking like this.

It spills all around me,

my lungs like a brown paper bag wheezing.

My skin almost seems to fall to the side.

I cannot tell when my body releases everything it held.

I am so warm, I cannot distinguish between them.

It is pleasant, to die here.

I would rather have lived but,

a bug crawls over me after she’s left,

more, more, many bugs,

and decay what is now empty

everything now brown apart from my deepest centre,

which is closer to purple.

My eyes no longer see,

but they stare through and deep into this moss,

and slowly sink in to it.


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Points: 69
Reviews: 2

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Sun Jul 01, 2018 1:34 am
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boxhead wrote a review...



I love the way this poem is written! it doesn't provide any background. but to be fair, it doesn't need one! you are thrown into the middle of what seems to be a very heated one on one battle. there is one thing that confuses me,


"but I was off balance and when she pushes

off

against the ground and

kicks"


To me, the use of spacing out the last part of the action seems a little odd, but that's probably just me being nitpicky, this is a great work!




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Sat Jun 02, 2018 11:38 pm
fraey wrote a review...



Hey Baezel!

First Thoughts:

Let's see. This is something pretty unique! I like that you used prose to show the fight scene since it gives you quite a few chances for dramatic pauses and such. I'm already viewing this as something more figurative with the poetry tag, and you do an interesting job about it!

I'm perplexed on the opening lines of

These ancient, wide old trees only let in the softest breaths of sun,

everything slowly unfurling and sprouting in this cool light.
because I can't really find a connection between that setting and the fight scene. It feels detached at the beginning of the poem. There's a few hints of the forest around the two yes, such as
sage old forest.
but I almost would like those two lines more at the end, since the characters have now established on their own where they are. In addition, these two lines are a lot longer than the majority of the poem. If nothing else, I would recommend you cut those lines or change their format to match the rest!

Characters:

I like the way you dropped the reader into the action besides the first two lines, but I do wish I could see a little more context as to why these people are fighting. They must know each other, and I really do want to know something of their backstory. Did the narrator or Eda hurt one of the other's loved ones? Are their families sworn enemies? Are they just sworn rivals of each other?

The only true hint I see is in the line of
we are past emotions
but why does the narrator believe they are past emotions? I'd love to delve more into how the main character feels, besides just the fighting and trying not to be killed.

Content:

The fight itself is written very nicely, and I like how you used formatting to your advantage. In the part of
but I was off balance and when she pushes

off

against the ground and

kicks
the single word-lines help paint the scene, and definitely makes this a little more dramatic.

However, I have mixed feelings about the actual death scene. I'm first confused about this portion:
She drags down, quickly,

pulling her blade out,

then leaning on it,

between my ribs.
because I'm trying to envision someone not drawing out the stabbing, but she leans on the blade in between the narrator's ribs? To me that seems cruel, but maybe I'm not picturing it correctly.

The colors being described also caused me to draw a blank as to what's happening, since is the narrator saying his intestines are a
A shocking green
or does he mean the ground? And the liver's brown? I'm really thrown by that portion.

In addition, I've never seen a dying person feel "warm" while they are dying - I think of death as the opposite, since the loss of blood means the person would be losing heat, but I guess the narrator's dying and could just be stimulating that feeling. I've never read it being described that way, that's all.

Finally, is the first line in
I would rather have lived but,

a bug crawls over me after she’s left,

more, more, many bugs
meant to have other content, because I'm confused by the connection from wanting to live to bugs crawling over the narrator's body.

Final Thoughts:

Overall, that death scene was really creepy, yikes. I think you did a really good job at describing the fighting itself, but I would like to see a more emotional attachment from the narrator in some way to make the fight a little more meaningful for the reader as well.




Baezel says...


Hello, thank you for the review! I agree with you that this poem makes little sense; because I'm not planning on devoting myself to poetry, I haven't thought much about what standard I want to hold my poetry too. In many of my NaPoWriMo pieces I made very little sense. That's something I was okay with, because I figured the reason I'm writing this as a poem and not as prose is because it doesn't really make sense. I've stripped it down to what I would see as the most important parts of it. If I do more poetry, I'll decide if I want to continue with that.
However, I will try to explain it to you [because let's be honest, it's lovely getting to talk about what you've done ;) ]

Throughout NaPo I was walking my dog a lot in the forest. Because it was so lovely, it became a recurring theme in my poems. Here, it's deliberately detached from it all. Why? Because I don't really intend for there to be an emotional connection to this fight. The more I distance the reader from the fight, or make it seem frivolous or small, the happier I am.
Secondly, this fight has no meaning. Because of this, the literal reason of why they are fighting doesn't matter. I meant for my line about Troy to refer to this: In the myth of the fall of Troy, an entire city fell and A Lot Of People Died because of a pretty lady, Helen. [Hey, I haven't fact checked that, don't hold me to it]. So not knowing who Helen is tells us this fight is meaningless and is just being fought because that is what you do when someone is coming at you with a sword.

For your questions about the leaning on the sword, yeah I can only shrug my shoulders. I felt it was messy too; I was going with the logic of "stop her from fighting back so you open up her gut" and "kill her: damage important stuff behind ribs: gotta apply pressure to get to important stuff" If You Know What I Mean. I, however, didn't know how to communicate that logic in writing well.
The green? Yeah bile is green. And I mean, I'd be shocked if I saw my bile.
As for the warmth a) blood is warm and b) when you die, your body releases everything within by which I mean your digestive tract, it empties. And not that I'm asking you to recall the last time you had a toilet accident, but I'm sure you understand what I mean by saying it would be warm. Whether or not, as you're dying, you'd feel warm, I can't confirm with any accuracy. Yet.
And finally, the thing about the bugs links back to my original idea of this fight being pointless, because now our main character is dead, she doesn't feel any powerful emotion or anything. And now she's dead, she will just rot, and the forest will absorb her, and it'll all be like the fight never happened.
Joy.



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Fri Jun 01, 2018 11:41 pm
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AkeliaTaske wrote a review...



Hello there, Akelia here for a review!

I do reviews a little differently than others do, the critiques, negative things and stuff you can do better are called 'Sours' and the things you did well on are called 'Sweets.' This poem overall did a great job in presenting the series of events to and during his death. It was well written in that sense. Well done. Now, onto the review!

Sours:

1. The section where it said-

"like Troy
(who’s Helen?)
and her sword..." -is a little choppy while reading the poem. I recommend to either remove the "(who's Helen?)" completely or to adjust it so it flows into the stanza.

2. In this section-

"panting,
sweat rolling off my brow but
not into my eyes.
not into my eyes" -and in several other areas there is no capitalization. In this case you should cap the "not" to "Not" on the second "not into my eyes" line. Also throughout the poem there was several instances of where capitalization was a tiny problem. A quick fix will do much good!


Sweets:

1. Description was well executed! You used excellent words to describe the scene, what was going, how he was dying and even what they were feeling during the fight scene. Going from the physical to the mental side of a fight can be difficult but you did a good job!

2. You introduced the characters easily, and I did not find myself wondering who they were. Good job!

Well done over all! Remember, never stop writing!

-Akelia





I drink tea and forget the world's noises.
— Chinese saying