Tick. Tick. Tick.
I watch the clock in agony as my history teacher, Mrs. Vanderhoop, droned on about World War 1. The clock seemed to have slowed down as it rested on 2:15.
Just five more minutes.
2:16. Everything feels unendurable.
I know everyone else is as restless as me, all thinking about what they were to do when they go home. I'm not thinking the same thing. I don't want to go home. I never want to go home.
2:19. I refuse to think about what kind of strange punishment my mother was going to come up with because I will be late. I don't want to think about anything anymore. The only desire in my mind was to escape from myself.
7:45 PM.
I roam the streets, my hands shoved into the pockets of my dark grey hoodie. Cold bites my cheeks, and I am sure they were pink by now. I have no idea where I am going. I ignore all calls from my mother. I do not dare check her voice messages. I was pretty sure they involved a lot of cursing.
When I stop walking, I find myself amidst of a dark alleyway. I look back and forth, but all I can see is pitch black. I bite my lip.
Stay calm and retrace your steps. I warn myself. I let out a deep breath before turning around to walk where I had come from, only to slam into a wall of flesh.
"What are you doing here?" A low voice grumbled. I stumble back, straining my eyes to look at the shadow in front of me.
A flashlight shines in my eyes. I wince.
Holding the flashlight is a bulky man. He has short black hair and a deep set of dark brown eyes. Dark skinned. On his right was a girl I recognize from my history class. She clung onto the bulky boy and stared down at me, seething. On the boy???s right was another kid from my school, having sinister blue eyes and a smug smile plastered on his face.
Something told me that I shouldn???t be here.
"I was just leaving." I stuttered, trying to get to my feet. "Sorry. I won't bother you anymore."
I am about to walk away until Sinister Eyes stopped me. He had me by my throat, forcing me to face the bulky boy. I open my mouth to say something, but I can't seem to get anything out.
"Don't waste your time, Devon." The girl from my history class whined. I vaguely try to remember her name. Cassandra? Cat?
The bulky boy, Devon, stares at me with glossy eyes. He waves his hand in the air, and I feel Sinister Eyes hands release from my throat. I drop onto the ground, gulping in as much air as my lungs could take.
"Who is he, Cheyenne" Devon asked.
"Scott something. He sits several rows behind me in history. He's always sulking and scares off basically everyone. There's no point in asking him to help us." Cheyenne answered. Devon squats in front of me, peering into my eyes.
"Would you like a getaway" He asked.
A million things run through my head. Stuff like what he means by "getaway", and if it was safe to trust him.
But desire got the best of me.
"Yes," I answer. "More than anything."
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey!! Forever here with a review.
First of all, there were some tense inconsistencies in the story. You frequently switched between past and present tense. You should write the whole thing in a single tense, either past or present.
If you want to write the whole thing in present tense, it should be like this:
"Tick. Tick. Tick. I watch the clock in agony as my history teacher, Mrs. Vanderhoop, drones on about World War 1. The clock seem slow down as it rests on 2:15. Just five more minutes. 2:16. Everything feels unendurable."
Now I wonder about this history class and what it actually is. At the first instance, it seemed like this history class was just a normal boring class of a school. However, I really don't know if that was the case because all of them were referring to the history class in particular. If it were school, they would have referred to school in general. Seems like they are referring to a history tution or something like that and also the tution is new because if it were old, they would have known each other in a decent manner. I don't know, I might be wrong but the time 2:45 pm again makes me think that it was school. Please clarify me on what it was.
Now late. Why does the narrator think that they will be late? I can't find any reason because the time seems to be quite right to me. I would just suggest to insert a reason for being late. Well, then we see the narrator walking on the road aimlessly. Then they accidentally enter a dark alleyway. Noe the question is what werr these people doing in here. We don't know the answer to this question too. Maybe doing something surreptitious. You have got to provide the reasons for all these things. If you don't want to mention or state directly, indirect methods like hints are always there. This getaway is quite interesting but still, we don't know what it is all about and the untimate fate of the narrator.
Something more which I wonder about is tgese magic mushrooms. I couldn't see any sort of magic in the story but it's titled magic mushrooms. I am vonfused about this. Overall, the story was good but the plot was a bit unclear. Also, you can provide some descriptions to show more.
Keep Writing!!
~Forever
I've noticed that there are some problems here, though I've never submitted new work since YWS changed. Post this in forums or inbox one of the Admins to help you with this.
Great story, by the way
READ THIS FIRST!!!!
So when I pasted it from word, all the spacing, (") marks, and (') marks got switched to show as (???). There are actually two paragraphs to this, and the second paragraph starts from where it says "7:45 PM."
I'm sorry that it showed up this way, I'm new (hopefully that explains it all). I still look forward to any reviews or comments.
Bear with it