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Was It My Imagination??

by Awru


  I had to stay late for work. When I got free,it was 12:00PM.The moon was shinning brightly and stars were pricking in the cold,lifeless sky. For a September night,it was abnormally chilly. No soul was in sight when I started walking towards my home. It wasn't very far so I didn't have to worry about transportation problems. The silver moon planted in the onyx sky looked like a mystical door leading to another world.

   The eerie silence of my surrounding made my blood as cold as the autumnal air, occasionally blowing through my auburn curls. My shoes made a disturbing noise in that fearful stillness. I jumped out of my skin when a cat knocked down a dustbin lid. "Just great,"I thought trying to calm my pounding heart.

   The tall mossy pines that lined the street placed every few meters casted strange shadows,their boughs seemed to be twisted into distorted faces significantly adding to the creepiness of the night. The unusualness shrouding me was playing with my imagination and I felt afraid of my own shadow.Somewhere near, a band of sassy owls decided to play their latest song"Hoot em to death"nearly giving me a heart attack.

    "I swear I am never going to stay this late even if that surly,sulky,nuisance of a boss tells me to get the sack,"I promised myself. "Sure, if you reach the house alive,"my not quite so helpful brain tortured me. There were no buses or cars on the usually busy road it felt as if everything was trying to hide from the creepy night.

   I heaved a sigh of relief when the traffic lights came in view. Just 20 minutes more and I will be snuggling in my bed, all the childish fears gone.

   When I reached the signal, I had an ominous feeling that someone was following me,someone I would certainly not be pleased to meet. "Don't look back!",I told myself. Mostly everything in a movie goes wrong because the victim looks back but then I did the one thing I shouldn't have done. I looked back and what I saw paralyzed me with fear.

    Golden eyes with a hint of blood crimson seemed to be ablaze radiating power, with skin as pale as fires when mastered by the night, raven hued hair a highly luminous sheen lightening them and razor sharp fangs glistening in the moonlight with blood thirstiness etched on them. A long reddish mantle like cloak was blowing behind that fearsome vampire , sending shivers down my back. If it was any other time I would surely have made a comment or two about its fashion sense but it wasn't any other time.

    The monster slowly descended towards me and thats when the adrenaline pumped through my veins. My senses unfroze bringing back my consciousness. And I did the only thing every victim does. I ran! My heart was beating furiously in my throat as I blindly bolted towards my house. The monster was running after me the only sound was of its cloak slicing through the wind. Prickly fingers ran through my spine as I sensed an ice cold shadow behind me and I ran with all with all I was worth. Fear took hold of me and it felt as if I was being strangled to death. The surrounding was a blur and my head was spinning.

   After running for what seemed like an eternity I finally reached my house. Without wasting another second,I fumbled through the keys and opened the door. With shaking hands I hurriedly locked the door and the windows. For once i was glad my house didn't have more windows or a back door. All my strength suddenly left me and I fell down with my back against the door gasping for air.

    I was trembling with fear and soaking wet with perspiration. My heart thundered in my chest as I waited for the thing to get me. I hugged my knees burying my head in them as tears begin to roll down my cheeks in a continuous stream. I felt so helpless,so powerless,so insignificant. The long merciless claws of fear were tightening their grip around my heart as I tried to remember the holy verses I had learnt. My mind felt numb and I couldn't think straight.

   Several minutes passed and nothing happened. The holy verses gradually found their way to my lips and the fear enveloping me began to dissipate. I stood up weakly on my aching legs and staggered towards my bedroom. With my nerves still on edge I switched on the night lights and sank in the bed. My bed felt uncomfortable like a bush of stinging nettles. The soft blue glow of the night light illuminating the room soothed me.

   My eyes began to droop as the weariness of the night settled in and with millions of thoughts clouding my mind I fell into a deep slumber.

   When I woke up in the morning, rays of sunshine were peeking in from the windows brightening the room. There was no sign of the horrible events from the night. With all my fear gone now, I began to think maybe it was just another fit of my imagination running wild. That had happened a few times in the past.

   I hopped out of the bed happy to be alive. I had overslept but who cared about stupid office just about now. I was appalled to realize I was a terrible mess. After taking a long relaxing bath I tidied the room and decided to make my favourite breakfast Pancakes!.

    I was just glad all the trauma from the last night was over and wanted to take some time to appreciate myself and life. Thats when the shrill sound of a Police siren echoed through the room. Mr.Watson next door had been MURDERED.


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Mon Aug 12, 2019 8:58 am
Awru says...



ANNDDD DONE!!




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Mon Aug 05, 2019 10:23 pm
Cyber_Cs says...



I think you mean 12:00 am cuz the sun normaly shines at noon




Awru says...


Well where i live midnight is at 12:00 pm



Awru says...


Oh!! And welcome to YWS :D



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Sat Aug 03, 2019 11:09 am
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FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPHoenix here with a review for you like I promised on this lovely night. Sorry about taking so long to do this i didn't have much time. But it looks like you have had a lot of helpful reviews over the night, so I'll just tell you what i think of this.

Okay let's begin.

So I must say the way you open up this story was perfect, it began to build up the tension and that really got me excited, because I had no idea of what was going to happen, and yet I new what ever happens was going to get me really afraid of have me laughing.
I will say through out this story you had me very worried, I had know idea of what was going on, if she was really being followed, or if she was just imagining it.
This story kind of reminds me of my childhood days when I would just get afraid of such small things, and it's just my mind making it all up.
I like the way your main characters acts the next morning, not knowing if it was real or if it was just her, that had me laughing a little, and the way she just pushes work aside and relaxes, though sadly know a days you can't do that, and you have to go to work!!!

Over all I though this was a really cool story and I have know idea why you thought it would be bad, it is way better then my first try at a short story. So I really enjoyed this and I hope you will keep writing and post again on YWS, because I am super happy I had the change to read and review this, have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion!!!




Awru says...


Thank u soooo much :D
*sends hugs*





Your welcome!!!
*Hugs back*



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Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:48 pm
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Querencia wrote a review...



Hello, Awru!

I hope you're having a wonderful day. I thought this title paired with your description was super relatable--whenever I'm out too late, I can imagine all sorts of scary things! So I thought I'd come read and review your story. :)

I've got a few specifics here, and then I'll get to some more overall thoughts.

For a typical September night,it was abnormally chilly.

If it's abnormally chilly, can it really be "typical"? ;)

"Just great",I

This happens a few times throughout the story--the comma actually goes inside the quotation marks, and you need a space before the next word (in this case, I). So it would look like: "Just great," I ...

The tall mossy pines showing up after every few meters

It seems weird to say that they're "showing up" every few meters. I understand that they're probably spaced out, and the narrator doesn't see them all at once, but it sounds a little like they're just popping out every few meters. ;) Maybe it would be better to say something like "the tall mossy pines that lined the street, placed every few meters"--you probably don't even need to put that "few meters" bit in there.

Somewhere near, a band of sassy owls decided to play their latest song"Hoot em to death"nearly giving me a heart attack.

I appreciate the humor here, but the reference of a band and the idea of owls being sassy feels like it breaks out of the dark mood you were creating. I think it's a neat line, and I don't want to tell you to throw it away, but I think that you might want to consider changing it so that it fits in better with the dark, moody tone that you've been establishing.

"Sure, if you reach the house in full form"

I'm not so sure what "full form" is? It might make more sense to say, "Sure, if you reach the house alive", and I think that's what you were going for, but the full form just threw me off a little.

I heaved a sigh of relief when the traffic lights came in view. Just 20 minutes more and I will be snuggling in my bed, all the childish fears gone.

What a relatable feeling! :)

Golden eyes with a hint of blood crimson seemed to be ablaze radiating power, with skin as pale as fires when mastered by the night, raven hued hair a highly luminous sheen lightening them and razor sharp fangs glistening in the moonlight with blood thirstiness etched on them. A long reddish mantle like cloak was blowing behind that creature, sending shivers down my back.

I dig this description! However, you might want to consider prefacing it with, "It was a wolf!" or "It was a monster!", just so that the reader has an idea of what this thing is before fitting the description into that image. I'm not sure, it's your call. But I was sort of thrown off by the eyes and skin description, when I couldn't even picture what shape this thing might have, so you might want to start out with something a little more solid.

With my nerves still on edge I switched on the night lights and taking off my overalls sank in the bed.

I think it's weird that the narrator just takes off her overalls? And I think that it takes away from the line a bit. I think it might be best if she sinks into bed immediately, without undressing, because then it shows how stressed she is, but even if she does change into PJs or something, it just doesn't make sense that she would only take off one item of clothing. Does that make sense?

I was appalled to realize I was in a terrible mess.

In a terrible mess? Paired with the bath, it seems like you meant to say she was a terrible mess, and maybe you could mention rumpled clothes and dirt stains or something. :) Or, maybe it's just an emotional mess from the fear.

That's when the shrill sound of a Police siren echoed through the room. Mr.Watson next door had been murdered.

dun dun duuuuuuun!
I actually love the cliff-hanger here, the indication that not everything was the narrator's imagination after all. Very fun!

I think your middle-last paragraphs were some of the best. After the description of the monster, when the narrator begins to run, I could feel my heart pound along with hers. It read very quickly, and was very good!

One thing I might consider doing is breaking this up a little more. While your paragraphs are fine, they're a little big, and breaking them into smaller segments might help with flow and emphasis. For example, if you separated out the bit about not looking back, and then made the next paragraph all of the monster description, I think that would make it a lot more ominous. You might just want to play around with shorter paragraphs and different breaks a bit. :)

Also, while we get a lot of the narrator's fear after she meets the beast, and it's written very well, the first part is a little flat on emotion. You have a great description of the creepy night, but I would love to see the narrator's feelings about having to stay late (which is currently just stated in the first sentence) and maybe if she has any thoughts about living alone and/or having to walk home alone in the night. Is she frustrated because buses have stopped running? Is she fearful the whole time, or is she mad at her boss before she realizes just how dark and creepy it is? I think it would just be good for your buildup.

Lastly, I think the scene with the monster itself could have a touch more drama. She sees it and she runs! And the running is great. But can she hear the monster running behind her? Does she scream and realize that there's no one around to help her? Does the monster make any audible creepy noises? The actual confrontation is rather short, and I think you could pack some more punch in there. :)

Overall, your descriptions are very detailed and wonderful! You definitely set the scene very well. That's perfect for a story of this kind. :) And again, you did a good job of making me feel like I was the one running away. I'm glad that while it's scary, it doesn't really go into the horror/bloody side of things, which I don't think always works as well. You create a great suspense!

Nice job, and let me know if you have any questions.

-Q




Awru says...


Thamk u sooooooooo very much for the extremely helpful review and the valuable suggestions. I comletely agree with you. Honestly my punctuation are really bad and the para shortening. I mostly get confused that where should the next para start.
The tree thing i did because i thought she was on a road so lots of trees is gonna give a forest vibe but yes i guess lined up is better.
I will try and edit it like you suggested.
And also the monster is a vampire so i will just go and add that bit



Awru says...


That is when i get the time. School us stressing me out



Querencia says...


No problem! Good luck with the revisions. :) And vampire makes a lot more sense now that you tell me!



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Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:36 pm
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Horisun wrote a review...



Ello! Horisun here for a review!
I really like what you got here, the story is intense, the characters emotions and reactions felt very real, the details painted a vivid picture in my mind, and the ending, my goodness, the ending! Chills!
However, there are a few things I’d like to point out, firstly, I noticed that there were a whole lot of places where there wasn’t a space between words, punctuation, and both. That threw me off once or twice, and I thought it was something I should point out.
Secondly, the paragraphs feel a little, what’s the word? Chunky? I dunno, you get what I mean, right? I think they should be broken up a bit, to make the thing flow a bit better.

Now, there were a few smaller nitpicks I’d like to point out,
““Just great”, I thought.” The comma shouldn’t be on the outside of it.
In the second paragraph, you made a really awesome comparison to horror movies, and how the main character always looks back. "Don't look back!",I told myself. Mostly everything in a movie goes wrong because the victim looks back and then I did the one thing I shouldn't have done.” However, there should be a comma before the “And” and, while you’re at it, it might make more sense if you switch the “and” out for a but.
Also in the second paragraph, you added to exclamation marks after “I ran” There should only be one.
Last error, you spelt “Favorite” wrong, just a tiny nitpick, also, in that same sentence, one exclamation mark for pancakes. (I know, they’re really exciting!)
Now, as for the ending, OMG that was very crazy! I’m very curious about what she saw! And poor neighbor, he never did anything. (That we know of) ):
However, these are just tiny nitpicks, I loved the final product! It made for a very intense read, and I loved every moment of it! I hope to see more works from you soon!
Keep on writing!




Awru says...


Thank u soooo much. I know i am a big sucker for punctuations and paragraphs. I think i might wanna read my grade 2 english book again



Horisun says...


:D



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Fri Aug 02, 2019 9:16 pm
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riancarthy wrote a review...



Hey !!

I really really enjoyed this. It literally had me on the edge of my seat the whole. damn. thing. What lured me in was the title and also the genres had me very curious.

I firstly, liked how much detail you put into everything. For example. "The silver moon planted in the onyx sky looked like a mystical door leading to another world." I love that! I love how you didn't just say, 'The silver moon looked very bright.' You really put in that extra effort that really did pay off 100%!!


My favourite part was acc when you were frantically trying to lock the door. It literally gave off so much horror movie vibes!

All in all, it is a very veryyyyyyyyy good short story, of very high standard. All the very best @Awru !!

-@riancarthy




Awru says...


Thank u sooooo much for the review :D



riancarthy says...


no probb




It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
— Mark Twain