ANNDDD DONE!!
I had to stay late for work. When I got free,it was 12:00PM. The moon was shining brightly and stars were pricking in the cold, lifeless sky. For a September night, it was abnormally chilly. No soul was in sight when I started walking towards my home. It wasn't very far so I didn't have to worry about transportation problems. The silver moon planted in the onyx sky looked like a mystical door leading to another world.
The eerie silence of my surrounding made my blood as cold as the autumnal air, occasionally blowing through my auburn curls. My shoes made a disturbing noise in that fearful stillness. I jumped out of my skin when a cat knocked down a dustbin lid. "Just great,"I thought, trying to calm my pounding heart.
The tall mossy pines that lined the street placed every few meters casted strange shadows,their boughs seemed to be twisted into distorted faces significantly adding to the creepiness of the night. The unusualness shrouding me was playing with my imagination and I felt afraid of my own shadow. Somewhere near, a band of sassy owls decided to play their latest song"Hoot em to death"nearly giving me a heart attack.
"I swear I am never going to stay this late even if that surly, sulky, nuisance of a boss tells me to get the sack,"I promised myself. "Sure, if you reach the house alive," my not quite so helpful brain tortured me.
I heaved a sigh of relief when the traffic lights came in view. Just 20 minutes more and I will be snuggling in my bed, all the childish fears gone.When I reached the signal, I had an ominous feeling that someone was following me, someone I would certainly not be pleased to meet. "Don't look back!",I told myself. Mostly everything in a movie goes wrong because the victim looks back but then I did the one thing I shouldn't have done. I looked back and what I saw paralyzed me with fear.
Golden eyes with a hint of blood crimson seemed to be ablaze radiating power, with skin as pale as fires when mastered by the night, raven hued hair a highly luminous sheen lightening them and razor sharp fangs glistening in the moonlight with blood thirstiness etched on them. A long reddish mantle like cloak was blowing behind that fearsome vampire , sending shivers down my back. If it was any other time I would surely have made a comment or two about its fashion sense but it wasn't any other time.
The monster slowly descended towards me and that's when the adrenaline pumped through my veins. My senses unfroze bringing back my consciousness. And I did the only thing every victim does. I ran! My heart was beating furiously in my throat as I blindly bolted towards my house. The monster was running after me. The only sound was of its cloak slicing through the wind. Prickly fingers ran through my spine as I sensed an ice cold shadow behind me and I ran with all I was worth. Panic clawed at my throat and I couldn't breathe. The surrounding was a blur and my head was spinning.
After running for what seemed like an eternity I finally reached my house. Without wasting another second,I fumbled through the keys and opened the door. With shaking hands I hurriedly locked the door and the windows. All my strength suddenly left me and I fell down with my back against the door gasping for air. I was trembling with fear and soaking wet with perspiration. My heart thundered in my chest as I waited for the monster to get me. I hugged my knees burying my head in them as tears began to roll down my cheeks in an endless stream. I felt so helpless, so powerless, so insignificant. The long merciless claws of fear were tightening their grip around my heart as I tried to remember the holy verses I had learnt. My mind felt numb and I couldn't think straight.
Several minutes passed and nothing happened. The holy verses gradually found their way to my lips and the fear enveloping me began to dissipate. I stood up weakly on my aching legs and staggered towards my bedroom. With my nerves still on edge I switched on the night lights and sank in the bed. My bed felt uncomfortable like a bush of stinging nettles. The soft blue glow of the night light illuminating the room soothed me.
My eyes began to droop as the weariness of the night settled in and with millions of thoughts clouding my mind I fell into a deep slumber.
When I woke up in the morning, rays of sunshine were peeking in from the windows brightening the room. There was no sign of the horrible events from the night. With all my fear gone now, I began to think maybe it was just another fit of my imagination running wild. That had happened a few times in the past.
I hopped out of the bed happy to be alive. I had overslept but who cared about stupid office just about now. I was appalled to realize I was a terrible mess. After taking a long relaxing bath I tidied the room and decided to make my favourite breakfast Pancakes!.
I was just glad all the trauma from last night was over and wanted to take some time to appreciate myself and life. That's when the shrill sound of a Police siren echoed cutting through the silence of the room.
Mr.Watson next door had been murdered.
Hello, FlamingPHoenix here with a review for you like I promised on this lovely night. Sorry about taking so long to do this i didn't have much time. But it looks like you have had a lot of helpful reviews over the night, so I'll just tell you what i think of this.
Okay let's begin.
So I must say the way you open up this story was perfect, it began to build up the tension and that really got me excited, because I had no idea of what was going to happen, and yet I new what ever happens was going to get me really afraid of have me laughing.
I will say through out this story you had me very worried, I had know idea of what was going on, if she was really being followed, or if she was just imagining it.
This story kind of reminds me of my childhood days when I would just get afraid of such small things, and it's just my mind making it all up.
I like the way your main characters acts the next morning, not knowing if it was real or if it was just her, that had me laughing a little, and the way she just pushes work aside and relaxes, though sadly know a days you can't do that, and you have to go to work!!!
Over all I though this was a really cool story and I have know idea why you thought it would be bad, it is way better then my first try at a short story. So I really enjoyed this and I hope you will keep writing and post again on YWS, because I am super happy I had the change to read and review this, have a great day or night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion!!!
Hello, Awru!
I hope you're having a wonderful day. I thought this title paired with your description was super relatable--whenever I'm out too late, I can imagine all sorts of scary things! So I thought I'd come read and review your story. 
I've got a few specifics here, and then I'll get to some more overall thoughts.
For a typical September night,it was abnormally chilly.
"Just great",I
The tall mossy pines showing up after every few meters
Maybe it would be better to say something like "the tall mossy pines that lined the street, placed every few meters"--you probably don't even need to put that "few meters" bit in there. Somewhere near, a band of sassy owls decided to play their latest song"Hoot em to death"nearly giving me a heart attack.
"Sure, if you reach the house in full form"
I heaved a sigh of relief when the traffic lights came in view. Just 20 minutes more and I will be snuggling in my bed, all the childish fears gone.
Golden eyes with a hint of blood crimson seemed to be ablaze radiating power, with skin as pale as fires when mastered by the night, raven hued hair a highly luminous sheen lightening them and razor sharp fangs glistening in the moonlight with blood thirstiness etched on them. A long reddish mantle like cloak was blowing behind that creature, sending shivers down my back.
With my nerves still on edge I switched on the night lights and taking off my overalls sank in the bed.
I was appalled to realize I was in a terrible mess.
Or, maybe it's just an emotional mess from the fear. That's when the shrill sound of a Police siren echoed through the room. Mr.Watson next door had been murdered.
And again, you did a good job of making me feel like I was the one running away. I'm glad that while it's scary, it doesn't really go into the horror/bloody side of things, which I don't think always works as well. You create a great suspense!
And vampire makes a lot more sense now that you tell me!Ello! Horisun here for a review!
I really like what you got here, the story is intense, the characters emotions and reactions felt very real, the details painted a vivid picture in my mind, and the ending, my goodness, the ending! Chills!
However, there are a few things I’d like to point out, firstly, I noticed that there were a whole lot of places where there wasn’t a space between words, punctuation, and both. That threw me off once or twice, and I thought it was something I should point out.
Secondly, the paragraphs feel a little, what’s the word? Chunky? I dunno, you get what I mean, right? I think they should be broken up a bit, to make the thing flow a bit better.
Now, there were a few smaller nitpicks I’d like to point out,
““Just great”, I thought.” The comma shouldn’t be on the outside of it.
In the second paragraph, you made a really awesome comparison to horror movies, and how the main character always looks back. "Don't look back!",I told myself. Mostly everything in a movie goes wrong because the victim looks back and then I did the one thing I shouldn't have done.” However, there should be a comma before the “And” and, while you’re at it, it might make more sense if you switch the “and” out for a but.
Also in the second paragraph, you added to exclamation marks after “I ran” There should only be one.
Last error, you spelt “Favorite” wrong, just a tiny nitpick, also, in that same sentence, one exclamation mark for pancakes. (I know, they’re really exciting!)
Now, as for the ending, OMG that was very crazy! I’m very curious about what she saw! And poor neighbor, he never did anything. (That we know of) ):
However, these are just tiny nitpicks, I loved the final product! It made for a very intense read, and I loved every moment of it! I hope to see more works from you soon!
Keep on writing!
Hey !!
I really really enjoyed this. It literally had me on the edge of my seat the whole. damn. thing. What lured me in was the title and also the genres had me very curious.
I firstly, liked how much detail you put into everything. For example. "The silver moon planted in the onyx sky looked like a mystical door leading to another world." I love that! I love how you didn't just say, 'The silver moon looked very bright.' You really put in that extra effort that really did pay off 100%!!
My favourite part was acc when you were frantically trying to lock the door. It literally gave off so much horror movie vibes!
All in all, it is a very veryyyyyyyyy good short story, of very high standard. All the very best @Awru !!
-@riancarthy
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