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140,623 Literary Works • 673,565 Reviews
Hi AwesomeSauce, a few issues here:
Excessive repetition
Repetition can be used to good effect to reinforce a point. It's a great technique. But there is such a thing as too much. What you've done here isn't reinforcing a point, but shoved it down our throat. It's gone way too far and it really detracts from the whole piece. It's really off-putting, and since it makes up about half of your poem, if you cut them all out, you don't have much left.
You have some good imagery going here, but I would say that most of it isn't exactly new and exciting. I wouldn't say this poem is trying to say anything too profound; it's almost nursery rhyme in its tone and structure.
Be careful about your rhyme scheme and meter. When you start to jumble the words in your mouth, or have to try to repeat the sentences over to make them work, you have a problem. There can be half-rhymes and the such, but you want to be careful not to force them.
I really think with that last line, you can keep it, but I would highly suggest cutting all the other instances of "I'm not a monster." The last line makes it more poignant, along with the title.
Really? Huh, thanks!
Hi there!
This is a nice poem. It could have been better, but I just wanted to first say that it is a nice poem.
Though the "I'm not a monster" repetition was clearly intended, I think it became a little too much. So you might want to cut it down to have it said just one in each stanza.
The rhyme did seem forced as well, like over here:
I'm not a monster that will be your third wheel? To me, that doesn't make any sense.
Now, I just have this one little doubt:
You say that you're not a monster, but who are you exactly telling this to? Someone you love? Your friend? I think you need to make this a little clear with me. It could be complete obvious to everyone else, but I like facts directly told to me xD
I really liked your opening though. I wish you could keep that same feeling throughout the poem.
If you have any questions about my review or if you'd like me to give another go at it, do let me know. I'd like to help however possible
-TwistedMuffins
Thank you!