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140,622 Literary Works • 673,563 Reviews
hahaha...... wow, this poem got some at- tit- uuude!! ( mmmmmhmmmm )
Amazing!
I loved how it was so to the point, so direct, so concise..... It was really well written.
If I could give you any advice, it would be to keep writing and try to experience the deeper aspects of poetry. Let the words flow through your veins and not just shoot out of your mouth.
But well done never-the-less. Genius
Thank you! *hugs*
*Breaks out the kleenex*
Dang. that is good. It's sad, and has a nice undertone to it! I like the scheme you used
Thank you!
Hi there.
While this poem has potential (it has an idea that continues throughout the poem), it needs a lot of work.
There are no images. None. When I read something like this, it just tells me that you are a person, the most generic person on the planet. I don't know anything more about you than the person sitting on the train across from me. I know even less about you, actually.
The way I would get to know you and your specific loneliness is if you bring image into it. Specific images.
If I was the man across from me on the train writing about loneliness and not wanting someone to leave, I might write:
My fingers still drip with the
fog from the window
where I drew her name.
But the steam has gone, leaving
only suburbs flashing past
that cannot spell her name.
Though that's not particularly well thought out or well written, it does have images specific to the man on the train that convey a sense of loneliness and regret. Try using more specific images and details to convey what you're feeling.
You have potential. Keep writing.
Thanks!
Thanks!
Hey there, Awesomesauce! I am here once again~
I want to start by saying, ugh, this is a feeling that every poet on the Earth would be proud to rightly capture in a poem. At least, those poets that have felt this feeling before. I guess some people are okay with being left??! I don't know them. Anyway, writing to such a common feeling really widens your audience and brings a lot of people in to the circle of who can understand the feeling your pointing at.
The problem is that so many people have tried writing about it that just talking about it in plain words doesn't really work anymore. "Don't leave me", heard so many times, becomes a whine instead of an earnest request. That's one of the reasons we have to read a lot of poetry: so we know the environment into which we are casting our poems. If there are a million poems that say, "don't leave me", what newness can we bring to a reader if we write the same? How can we be more original?
Do you have any ideas?
I'd say definitely think about associations. What are things you think about when you think about being left alone? A dark room? A cold blanket? A horse out in a pasture while cars zoom by? I don't know! I'm not in your mind. THAT is how you are going to be original. Write what is in your mind, that no one else could possibly come up with. Give me poetry that I can't write, and I will read it for just that reason.
The next step is to use metaphors and similes to bring it back to something I can kind of understand, so I can get into your mind and point of view, and then BAM, suddenly emotions are being communicated and your poem is successful. ( :
Lemme know if you have any questions or comments about this, okay?
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Wow, you had a lot to say too. Thanks though!
Hey there, AwesomeSauce! ^^
So, first thing I'm going to say here is that your poem has a lot of potential. But, you really need to work on it more.
Now, see your first stanza? It wasn't a very strong beginning. I read the first line and thought, "Oh, it's one of those poems..." See what I mean? It didn't draw me in, I didn't feel interested in reading it. I had to force myself to read it.
Another thing that I think would really help improve your poem would be detail. Give me more details. Like, over here:
What is it that you don't want to hear anymore? Lies, accusations, confessions? What is it? And descriptions, descriptions, descriptions! "Fight" is such a weak word. Show the reader the argument. Show them the screams echoing in your ears, make them feel the anger and sadness that you're feeling.
Over here:
"Always" isn't required, and I think it would sound better if you switched the two lines. So instead, write it like this:
Next stanza~
Again, descriptions! How is your heart being broken? Yes, the reader might be familiar with heart-break, but how can you be sure of that? Show them the cruelty, and again, the sadness.
Sudden rhyming what? I was fine with the entire poem until BAM! Suddenly, I was faced with a rhyming stanza! When your entire poem doesn't rhyme, throwing in one stanza with a rhyme really puts off a reader. Try changing this one.
The repetition at the end didn't really feel like a good way to end the poem. The "Don't" and "Why" repetition throughout the poem was fine, but I would've preferred a change at the end. The "Ever" just put me off further.
Overall, the theme is a little common, but if you work on this poem more you'll have yourself a very good one! ^^
Hope I wasn't too harsh!
Keep Writing!
~Lemony
O.O Wow, you have a lot to say about one poem. Thanks though!