Young Writers Society

Hello~
I'm Indie, and I'm here to review your piece, "As I Fly Around the World." So let's begin!

Obviously, you used a lot of repetition in this poem. It's not really something I enjoy, but that's just me - personally, I think it would've been more appealing if you switched up the "As I fly around the world" line every two stanzas? Just a suggestion. But, even if you don't, if I were you I would at least change the title to something more.. capturing (?) for your future readers. Maybe something like, "Aerial View," or something that is similar, but doesn't already set up for the repetition. Just to add a little spice.

I like the personification in the first stanza, in "The sky touches my face," but I think you could carry this a little farther and use a more original verb other than touch. Maybe "graze," or "skim." Actually, those that I suggested aren't all that exciting, either - but I think you get the picture.

In the line "I see many people down below arguing at one another" in the 2nd stanza, it should be arguing /with/ one another. Maybe you could describe the people with more descriptive words than just the generic "many"? And you could try describing as "ants", or some other minuscule creature that would work as a nice metaphor.

The lines "The group of friends I used to have are laughing" and "The people of my country are going home now" are extremely vague. Having an underlying point or hidden meaning is praised in poetry, but these lines of yours are just kind of out there and I don't really see how they tie in to the theme. What country? What people? What friends? Why are they no longer your friends? Why are they laughing?

Consider rewording the line "I fly to a cloud watching parents kissing their children good night." The first few times I read this, I thought the parents and children were literally floating in a cloud next to the flying narrator.

"I close my eyes listening to the cars pass by" - since when do cars fly?!

And another thing. Why the heck is everyone so darn happy? I would have been much more impressed with this poem if it was more realistic. The truth of life is that not everyone smiles at you when you fly by. Not all children laugh every moment. People don't grin without reason at the sky unless they're drunk or in love. I like the perspective you give in this poem, but you could do so much more with it. Write something that will makes the reader identify with the piece. I know for a fact, that if I were to fly around the world and look out the window, I would most definitely not see people smiling everywhere. I'd see warfare. I'd see turmoil. I'd see communities tormented by manmade and natural disasters. I'd see protests and rallies. Not to be all doom and gloom, but this is life. Our world is not a pacifistic place. Reach to convey more emotions beside contentment.

Good luck, hopefully you found my review helpful in some way! Feel free to PM me if you want to discuss anything, or if you decide to revise this. You're on your way to being a great writer, keep it up!

~Indie.

Hehe, I agree with znale1, and I'll give a little explanation as to why. It's not doing anything for your poem. There's no special meaning in it that changes with new stanzas, and there's no particularly lovely imagery in it that we want to see over and over again. It's not special, so we don't want to hear it so often, you know?

So can we work with this?:

The sky touches my face.
I see many people down below arguing at one another.
I smile at the children laughing at their fun.
People look up at me smiling.
The group of friends I used to have are laughing.
My house has my parents in it enjoying the view.
The people of my country are going home now.
I fly to a cloud watching parents kissing their children good night.
I close my eyes listening to the cars pass by.

Hey AwesomeSauce!

I love your poem "As I fly around the world". I think you should not keep using the same words "As I fly around the world" other than that I loved your poem.