Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hello, My Friend!
Hi Avian!! I don't believe I've reviewed any of your poetry yet, so this is exciting! Fair warning, I am not the best at reviewing poetry, but I will try my best here--this piece is too good to not anyway!
So first, just overall, this poem is absolutely gorgeous. I love the theme--the idea of a vague parasite or illness tied to one's bloodline. The way the "parasite" is described makes it clear that it's a very heavy burden for both those affected, but at the same time, as only the descriptions are symptoms, the exact source/reason for it is so cryptic. It's a fascinating choice that makes this all feel so relatable, as the reader can immediately imagine a hundred meanings behind it, including personal ones. For me, my mind kinda went to this concept I like to explore in writing about familial discrimination--a practice more implemented in older times and rarely some more traditionalist pockets of countries today, but nonetheless real and not often thought about.
But of course, as that's all just how I felt reading it, let's steer into a more technical approach! I think everything here is structured very nicely. I didn't get the feeling that a line didn't land well, nor was I ever taken out of the moment or anything. It's very well-written!
As for my favorite part, I think I most love that turning point where the narrator explains that they're looking for relief, only to see their own father is also "infected." I felt like that moment just had a ton of impact--you build this haunting image of someone suffering from a disease, only to expand that same problem onto the first person they turn to for help. Ah, chills!
Overall, this was a great poem and I think you absolutely nailed it in every way! Here's to hoping I can catch more from you in the future--in the meantime, nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
THANK YOU raven!! ^^
hi avian!
since you reviewed my work, i figured i would review this. it's lovely! i am in a bit of a rush though, so this must be a little rusty.
first off, the imagery here is so viscerally intimate! like it's super strong. but it's also universal enough to let the reader project their own burden onto it. it grips my bones, but in a way where it's like we all know what that feels like. it's real. everyone has some kind of weight of something passed down, inherited, inescapable. i think that this poem knows how to carve out discomfort beautifully.
this in particular is chilling in the best way to me. it's like embodying a kind of invasive force. this parasite isn’t just physical; it’s language, it’s generational, it’s existence itself. i love that! that subtle pivot to heredity in the second half makes it all the more striking too, which is equally great. the familial element later adds so much depth as well! it’s a quiet, subtle horror. i think it's like where the parasite isn’t just metaphorical, it’s cultural, it’s societal. honestly, it is all-consuming in that way.
i think there’s room to push even further into the “disease passed down” aspect though. what does it mean for you to carry this parasite? what’s left of you if it’s torn away? i feel like the brushes against these questions, but it doesn’t fully crack them open yet. also, since the theme of inheritance has already been hinted at, this could be an opportunity to subvert it. what do you have to do with this knowledge?
this is probably the strongest part!
i think these lines serve as a culmination of the poem's themes; generational trauma, inevitability, and inheritance. it carries a really resigned weight, and i think that shows that your understanding of suffering transcends conscious knowledge. it's just an undeniable part of being human. there is no need for family trees, diagnoses, or proof because the parasite is felt in everything. that itself could symbolize a lot, but i like how it remains somewhat vague here. that is hard to use well, but you did it!
overall, this is a very powerful poem! i think it is a gorgeous showcase of your writing style, and it should be something you're very proud of! i think you're branching off into something more visceral and bodily, which is something i've loved for a while. it's a good look! comparing this to your previous poetry, i see you shine brighter now.
best,
chi
AHH thank you chi!