Published June 28, 2010
I stare, stunned
At the first message you write to me
After... I don’t even know how long
Enthralled, I began to type back
Confused, I don’t know what to say.
Angry, I look away
Frustrated, I avoid thinking about you
Bitter, I reject any man who comes up to me
Shocked, I analyze myself
Sad, I shift my focus
Healed, I move on
I stare, silently, at the second message
You write to me after...I don’t even care how long
Empowered, I tell you to fuck off
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Canary word: Present
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141,404 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
telling me what happened is not a poem, it's the plan for a poem. so take this as a base and expand it- think through what this means to you, how you felt; not just the word for how you felt, but how you really really felt. like if you wanted to punch the wall, or if you wanted to lie down in your pillow and giggle to yourself.
i disagree with the person sat on top of me; swear away, as long as there's an age rating. swearing is an expression of emotion, and i get much more what you mean by you saying you told them to fuck off, than i do by your saying you felt this that and the other.
:] xx
Hi there!~
I agree with both people who reviewed before me. Yes, the whole poem is generally "I did x," but don't worry, I have a problem with that with my writing, and it is a habit that is not easily overcome. The only way is to practice, practice, practice!
I also agree with the Snoink, though. Showing the reactions is good (notice that I used the word "showing" and not "telling"). I also agree with how they pointed out that there aren't many hints to what this is about exactly, until the last line.
By the way, I would try to refrain from swearing in things you post on here, or at least give it an age rating. You never know who might be looking at these poems, and YWS is a happy place where we should try to stop ourselves from using that kind of language. ^.^
If you have any questions about anything I've said, feel free to PM me.~
Hey AutumnSun!
I kind of like this, in that we get to see her reactions as she does this. What can I say? I love reactions! but I also kind of want to see what the message is about. That is, I don't care what the message said explicitly, but I would love to get more of a hint. As it is now, there really is nothing about what it could be. So definitely a little bit of hints would be wonderful.
Again, as in your other poem, this is a list.
This poem is, essentially:
I did this.
Then, I did that.
I felt like this.
You did that.
I felt this.
I was that.
I said this.
Not so good. The easiest (and the only) way to remedy this is to show, not tell. Telling me everything does nothing for my enjoyment of the poem. It's dull, and I feel cheated because I read this list of things that I had no feeling about. This piece left me completely numb. I won't type out the house analogy again, but (if you look at your other thread and the crit I did there) you're missing your walls and your windows and doors. You have a storyline (albeit cliched and randomly expressed), but no emotion woven into it, nothing to make me identify with the person, nothing to make me laugh or cry or want to throw something. Oftentimes, someone crying after reading your piece is a good thing, because it proves that you successfully invoked an emotion in them.
Also, the events don't have a smooth progression. They don't link very well. The last line was completely random, because it doesn't fit with the rest, flow and rhythm-wise.
Keep on writing; you'll do better eventually. Take care.