I sleep a lot, these days...

I thought it was very interesting. I relate to it and I think it kind of explains my every day life. Thank you for writing this very amazing poem.

I thought it was very interesting. I relate to it and I think it kind of explains my every day life. Thank you for writing this very amazing poem.

Hello.

I feel that your poem is hampered by flow, or lack there of. Right now, every idea is self contained on its own line; you don't have entire concepts that bleed from one line to another, rendering the poem choppy. There's no visual sense of ideas connecting one after the other, rendering it very easy to fall out of the poem.

I also feel the narrative thread isn't very well followed through, with the first stanza not introducing the concept of sleeping a lot enough to really have the last stanza make sense. You've not really taken all the steps necessary to establish dream worlds, and why you're sleeping a lot.

While you have some very specific and haunting imagery here, it's not really put in any major context. I'm not really getting a sense of how the narrator feels about things, and what the images mean. They are very pretty and poetic, but without the context of why they're cropping up it's hard to have anything really stick.

All in all, this is a good poem draft and I like the ideas you have in here. They just need more context, and you'd benefit from introducing the why for sleeping a lot sooner.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey

Hey-o! My name is Gummy, and I'm here to review your poem~

As usual, I'm going to review this poem using the Review Sandwich method. This means that I will be stating the good aspects of this poem before giving my suggestions as to how you can make deeper, more effective pieces in the near future. Without further ado, let's begin.

My favorite line from the entire poem goes something like:

"My legs don't want to flail."

I'm a little dense, but even I can understand that this person wants his death to be instantaneous... probably because he/she doesn't want to suffer in pain as he/she loses his/her life.

Another notable line I want to point out reads something like this:

"Staring at a big zero, hanging with a loose thread on ceiling."

I'm sure the speaker is visualizing himself/herself having hung himself/herself from the ceiling. If the speaker really has such horrible self-esteem, it wouldn't be a stretch for him/her to consider himself/herself a "Zero"...

Those were two lines that I really liked about this poem. I think it's only fair for me to follow up with two lines that I think could have worked out a little better. Here you go:

"I squelch my eyes to read the dynamics of thread"

Call me illiterate, but I don't think I could ever bring myself to analyze this line by myself. I wonder what you meant when you meant by the term "dynamics of thread" I can't really offer some suggestions when I don't even understand the logical structure of the line...

Here's a less serious one:

'When the harpoons of ice--

Bullet towards me"

I'll give you the benefit of the doubt because I'm still not sure whether or not the word "bullet" can be used as a verb. Either way, I would have exploited the omniprescent theme of ice in this poem and make a pun out of the word "fire", which would take the place of the word "bullet" in that line. Get it? The poem's biggest symbol is the glossy ice. To use the word "fire" in the context of a harpoon or a missile would make a pun on the classic definition of the word...

A--Anyway! I loved the format of your poem. The line breaks after each stanza gives a sense of organization and makes it noticeably simpler to read or review. I hope to read from you in the future sometime. I'll be here just in case you need another review or something... That's pretty much what I'm here for... unofficially.

You can rest easy; I'm done with my review. Your poem was great and I expect you to keep getting better and better through practice. The feeling of having surpassed even your own wildest expectations is one of the best feelings a guy like me can experience. With that said, I'm bidding adieu. Stay frosty, man.

Gummy~