Young Writers Society

Hi Augustus, it's Gymnast2801 here with a review for Team Jawbreaker!
I am planning to review each quotation as I read so I will give my overall thought at the end of this review. Just thought I'd let you know, so let's get reviewing!


1. "and while he looks at the people, he seem to be looking at something so enchanting-- I can't get my eyes off of him."

- Joe Rudolf
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Ooo, I love this! It give insight on someone watching someone else and you word it so that it is quite mysterious and intriguing. Love it! My only thing is that 'seem' should be 'seems'.


2. "and every time you look at their face, you more and more realize you might be suffering from some extreme medical condition! Every spot on their face is a star of some galaxy but no star is same as the last time, you saw them. So, you squelch your eyes and try to recognize a familiar constellation.

But, it ain't there. Shivering overtakes you. You wonder-- how can someone forget a face, when it always live behind their eyes?

And then, you stop because they had just smiled at you!

Which is to say; they recognized you.."

- W.H.Hummus
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I love this one too! I'm beginning to think I shall love all of your writing because I love the way you write. I found a few things to fix...
'...medical condition!'
I feel that an exclamation mark isn't need. A period will be suitable, and same for '...just smiled at you!'
'...last time, you saw them.' No comma is needed here.
'So, you squelch your eyes...' I doing **think** a comma is needed but I'm not 100% sure on that. And I feel like 'squelch' could be swapped for something better. Maybe try 'squench'.
'And then, you stop...' Again, I'm not sure if this comma should be here or not. It seems out of place but that again, it doesn't. I guess it's author's preference.

3. "Silence is not an answer, it is a question for those-- who seek an answer."

-A.J.Hammock
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Love this. It's very true, I use silence sometimes too. Just add a space after the J in A.J.Hammock.

4. "Light was digging holes in my eyes, so I looked away from her."

-Jenny Karakowa
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Nothing to complain about here.

5. "Only if she had known....only if..."

-Kara Stephanie
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I feel like '...only if...' would be better if it was '...if only...'

6. "I remember being a child, lightening like a thousand candles in front of her. She had said to me that she feels black engulfing her, when she is this sad.

Now, she do the same for me without candles.."

-Rafique Abri
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'Now, she do the same...' Do should be 'does'

7. "One of her hair, the one which rebels against all of them tucked nicely, is my favorite."

-Ciara Jessi
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Okay, this didn't make much sense to me. It could just be that I am quite tired but I am pretty sure that 'One of her hair,' should be 'One of her hairs,'.

8. "Some people are like chips packaging. Mostly empty, you need to dig to reach the goodies. But first, you need them to open up!"

-J.R.Stan
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'But first you need them to open up!' Should probably be 'But first you need to open them up!' But I can see how the other way works too. Again, probably author's choice.

9. "Let's be a flawless mess."

-Patrick Black
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Oh my goodness, I love this! Yep, so true. Let's be a flawless mess.


Overall, I really, really liked this! You wrote well and I feel like you hide just enough to keep the reader on their toes without keeping too much a secret. I really enjoy stuff like this and I enjoy the way you write. I really loved this and I think you are a great writer in the works!

Keep on writing,
Gymnast2801 for Team Jawbreaker!

Hello! Ripple here on this wonderful Review Day!

So, one of the first things I noticed was the unique format of this work. Telling a story through quotations is an intriguing idea. I felt, however, that including the names of the 'authors' only distract from the message you're trying to send. None of these names inherently have any value to the reader. I'm not sure whether it's an inside joke for you, or you just used a name generator. Regardless, the names feel extremely arbitrary. The way you reveal the true nature of the names makes it even more so.

The numbering also seems odd and unneeded.

Some specific quotes stuck out to me:

"and while he looks at the people, he seem to be looking at something so enchanting-- I can't get my eyes off of him."

"Only if she had known....only if..."

"I remember being a child, lightening like a thousand candles in front of her. She had said to me that she feels black engulfing her, when she is this sad.

Now, she do the same for me without candles.."

I love this! Wow! You really made all this up on your own? Great Job! Please keep making those up! You're really good at this! You should so do an Inspirational poem! I believe you could do it! In fact, I know you can do it! Please keep up the good work! I believe in you! I know you can do it! You're very talented! I loved it so much! Especially the ending! Keep it up, and you'll go somewhere with this talent! Ever thought of maybe doing art? Decorate your quotes! And you could become famous for that! Wanted to write a story? Write a book instead! Then publish it! You would be such an amazing author! I know you can do so much! You can do so much! As long as you put the effort forth, and do as much as possible to let the whole world read it! You can do it! I know you can!

Have the greatest day of your life!
~Ash Perdew
P.S. PM me if you ever need anything!
My Schedule:
Weekdays:
5:00pm-9:00pm
weekends
8:00am- when I pass out

KEEP WRITING PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was amazing! I believe in you!

Let all your feelings out while you write! If it helps! Blast Let it go! Write as long as you need to! I believe in! I know you can do so much! You are very talented! Keep up the great work!