Chapter 2.3
A/N: Previously, Kiersten, Skylar, Issac, and Darien returned from a dangerous mission to retrieve important data. Issac and Darien are both in the hospital ward being examined for injuries, and Kiersten and Skylar have just returned to the common area to debrief. Enjoy!
"Once Darien and Issac are able, we want to regroup and talk about all of the data that we've gathered," Maddox announced. "Until then, we're going to go over the data that you've retrieved for us. We'll loop you in as soon as we can. Try and get some rest and take it easy today, you've earned it." He clapped Skylar on the back and then made his way through the partition towards the group of data analysts.
"That's it? We don't even get to be in the room where it happens?" Kiersten asked, indignation and irritation creeping into her voice.
Skylar shrugged. "Guess so. I'm gonna go wash my face and maybe take a shower."
"I'm gonna be in the training room."
"You should take it easy today, Kiersten. You've been working nonstop for days," Skylar urged her. "Let yourself recover."
Kiersten shook her head. "I need to do this. I won't train too hard today, promise."
Skylar raised an eyebrow but didn't push it any further. It was pointless to tell Kiersten to stop pushing herself; Kiersten's obsession with greatness was both her greatest strength and her greatest downfall. Someday, she would push herself too hard.
The two of them went opposite directions, Kiersten heading towards the training rooms near the back of the building and Skylar heading towards the quarters towards the front of the building. The layout was somewhat haphazard, with many of the offices and other monitoring rooms on the left side from the front. Directly in front of the door was the welcome room and conference rooms directly behind them, and the quarters were also close to the door and lined the front wall of the building. The center of the building was dominated by monitoring rooms and training rooms that stretched all the way from behind the quarters to the back and right walls of the complex. Each room was separated by a thick black curtain, except for the quarters, which were refurbished storage rooms and the only place with four walls on each side. Each person shared a room with three other people and slept in bunkbeds to conserve space, and every other room had a bathroom.
Skylar considered herself fortunate to have cooperative roommates; a main source of interior strife within the complex was disagreements with roommates. She was on good terms with all of them, and they had developed a schedule for who was allowed to shower when and everyone was generally flexible and willing to move their shifts around when missions interfered with their regular schedule.
Skylar grabbed some sweatpants, an old T-shirt, fresh underwear, and a washcloth and stepped onto the tiled bathroom floor. She stripped down, tossed her old clothes into a hamper of her dirty clothes, and turned the water onto the coldest setting. Ice-cold showers rejuvenated her after hard days and washed all of the dirt, sweat, and blood that came as a result of the missions. She scrubbed her scalp and her entire body until she felt clean, then shut the water off and toweled off. Finally feeling clean, she changed into her new clothes, put her hair up in a messy bun, and flopped onto her bunkbed.
She was only alone for a few seconds before her roommate and close companion entered, her face lighting up when she saw Skylar.
"Skylar! How did it go?" Myra gave Skylar a quick hug but let go quickly and settled on the bed next to her.
"Issac got shot." The words felt like a punch to the chest, and Skylar took a deep breath. Myra's face softened as she heard the words.
"I'm so sorry," she said quietly. "What happened?"
"We were turning the corner, following protocol quickly, but Issac was too slow. He got shot, but we were able to neutralize the threat." Skylar felt tears threatening, but blinked them away. She hated crying in front of people, even Myra.
"I'm so sorry," Myra repeated. After a pause, she asked the dreaded follow-up question: "Is he going to be okay?"
Skylar nodded. "The medics think so. They're evaluating Darien too because he got hit on the head."
Myra winced. "Sounds like you guys had a tough mission."
"We knew that going in, but it doesn't really make it any easier. I mean, we barely made it out of there, when you think about it. I'm certain the only reason we're all alive and well right now is because of sheer luck. All it would have taken was one guard with a little bit more skill. If the circumstances had been even slightly different, we might not have survived that."
Myra was silent for a moment. "Let's not focus on that right now. We shouldn't have to do many more recon missions, if the info you got is all that they've been saying it is, and the important thing is that you did it. You know Kiersten; she's going to train even harder considering how close this mission was. You should do the same, but not tonight. Rest up and try not to obsess over the mission."
Skylar nodded, but she knew it was a lie. The moment she closed her eyes, she would replay the entire mission in her head on repeat, finding all the little flaws and wishing that she could go back in time to repair them.
"What did you do today?" Skylar changed the subject.
Myra shrugged. "Not much. Regular training, some team building, some competitive capture-the-flag. Nothing unusual."
"Capture the flag is my favorite. You know that's an old Earthan game?"
"That's what I've heard! They did do some things right. Apparently they used to play with "jails". Maybe some people still play that way, but that's not how it works in the real world. You don't get a second chance the way we play."
"I like the way we play. It makes all of the risks more real, and that's exactly how we need to think about things. If you get multiple chances, you can be reckless and afford mistakes; we can't," Myra added.
"Exactly," Skylar agreed. "Do you know what we're playing tomorrow?"
"I think we're back to obstacle courses."
Skylar groaned. All the new recruits loved the obstale courses, but after several weeks, it quickly became a routine training objective instead of a fun game. Nevertheless, there was still a competitive aspect; the person with the highest score was idolized, and everybody dreamed of being the holder of the coveted record for fastest time on the obstacle course.
"You should get some extra sleep tonight," Myra suggested.
"You're right. I'm gonna go eat and then head to bed, maybe check on Kiersten. She's training right now."
"Seriously? You just got back from a mission."
Skylar shrugged. "I think it's her way of decompressing, and as long as she's not pushing herself too hard, I don't have a problem with it. I mean, I don't prefer it, considering that she's been working so hard, but you know Kiersten. There's no stopping her."
Myra nodded in agreement. "I just ate. They set food out a few minutes ago."
"I'll go get in line, then. Thanks for talking." Skylar smiled at Myra and gently patted her shoulder on her way out of the room. She followed the smell of one of the typical dinners, fish, asparagus, and brown rice. Almost everyone was on a similar high-protein, low-fat, low-carb diet; there were a few exceptions, but they were few and far between. The food was being served in the dining hall directly behind the reception area, and Skylar took a prepared plate and joined some of the newer cadets at the table. As soon as she sat down, she was bombarded with questions about her mission and answered them all patiently, giving a detailed account of the entire escapade and enjoying the way they listened in awe. Once she was finished, she excused herself and made her way back to her room, where she changed into her pajamas and climbed into bed. Seconds after her head hit the pillow, she was asleep, her dreams a remix of the moment when the bullet punctured Issac's skin. In some scenarios, he lived; in the majority, he died in her arms.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Heya Tuck! Happy Review Day- hope you don't mind if I drop it today!
(I haven't read anything prior to this of your story. I apologise if that interferes with any comments I make!)
Irritation and indignation are close enough that this is basically putting synonyms of the same thing into a sentence. (Also just to clarify, I could just have missed something from not reading the last part! But what does Kiersten mean by "We don't even get to be in the room where it happens?" where what happens? Talking about the data they gathered? Looking through the data?)
I keep getting called out for this too lol but uh, I can't say I enjoy the repetitive "push/ing"? When a word gets repeated in such a short amount of time, it stands out. It sounds odd. The first "push" can easily be substituted for something else, and the third "push" (which I didn't include in the quote but still exists!) could be "work herself too hard" (although the third one doesn't bother me quite as much as the other two).
I'm sure you'll hear about it by the end of this review: I'm a SUCKER for description. But you have this giant chunk of description and I kind of have to wonder if there's any way you can trim it down? Like, having the whole complex described at once it like throwing rocks at the brick wall and expecting them to pass through it. If! If you scatter it more, and attach some kind of importance to those places, it makes it more memorable. It sticks out more if a character walks into a room with red walls and a painting of a blue stag than describing every floor of a house. Does that make sense?
Long story short, I suppose, is that it's easier to retain in smaller clumps (it's a bit like info-dumping. You want it sprinkled around- not all at once).
Is there a reason to include the shower scene instead of glossing over it? I mean- it just doesn't seem to hold any particular significance? Nothing happened while she was in the shower that needed describing whilst she was in there, and while the ice-cold shower rejuvenating her is a cool character detail, I don't think it's enough to warrant a whole, long paragraph like that.
*raises an eyebrow*
(I hope I don't have to attach a comment here? ;P)
It seems odd that her own words would feel like a punch to the chest? I might have done something to cause hesitation rather than Skylar shocking herself (for lack of a better word). Maybe she took a deep breath before she spoke, or glanced down at her shoes, or her chest tightened. It would feel more impactful that way, if the reaction was reluctance and not,,, "startled by something I already know about". I,,, hope that makes sense lol.
I don't know the characters relationships beforehand or anything, but I had no idea that there was any sort of danger/any of the characters (coughskylarcough) were upset about Issac and Darien? "being examined for injuries" made me think it was just that, not because they already had existing injuries, y'know? MY whole point of this ramble though is to say I wish there had been more reaction from Skylar earlier, rather than it suddenly appearing now (though, for anyone else having read previously, it probably wouldn't have been a surprise haha, so take that as you will. I still would have liked to see more disheartenment when she was talking to Kiersten).
To get the insignificant comment out of the way- I would have made "finding all the little flaws-" sentence a separate from "The moment she closed her eyes-".
This is going to sound a bit sadistic of me, but I like this characterisation? It's SUCH a mood. Goodness knows I've spent nights doing this before. I like that aspect to Skylar's character, and it makes her relatable (and by extent, likeable). thumbs up for that
Do they have like, knives? Do they stab each other to capture the flag? Capture the flag: death edition?
Isn't Myra the one who just said she knew Kiersten was going to train harder and harder as the mission(?) got closer? Why is she surprised now?
I will say that I wish there was more stability for Myra's character? I can't speak overall, but in this chapter, she feels a little... sporadic? And not because it's a part of her personality, but that she isn't fleshed out as much? She seemed gentler/sweet when she first came in, but then that got kind of wobbly as the scene progressed? I'm not sure how else to describe it. And character development happens over time, and I know that it can be hard to pin them down sometimes. But so far, personalities haven't like, really stood out to me yet? Besides Kiersten's training, but that's less because of her and more because the other characters bring it up several times. They don't feel quite distinctive yet, which again! Is fine! But it's just something to think about in the future.
I think breaking up the last paragraph would read nicer, just so it isn't so long? It just makes it easier to read through when you have smaller segments (me, talking about this, who writes giant paragraphs all the time because I'm a paragraph gremlin).
Also!! Why do they follow a strict diet? If you're going to include that, it'd be cool to have a little more worldbuilding attached to it. I'm a sucker for throwing in details, and since this is not set in a modern/realistic/contemporary/whatever you want to call using only our world's rules, there's stuff to establish! I'm curious about these kinds of things when you throw bits of them around in stories. I want to know why, in this instance.
Overall, I did enjoy reading this! I like your writing style and it's easy to get through. It has a slow chapter/section feel, which is good! Because it sounds like you had a lot going on before this, and even though I didn't read anything before this, it feels like a good break in between what's going on and the mission they're undertaking.
I think that's all I have for you today though? Please let me know if you have any questions or comments, I'm happy to discuss things!
I hope you've having a fantastic day!!
Thank you so much for your review! I really appreciate your thoroughness and will definitely make changes based on your critique. Thanks again!
You should come check out my work and let me know what you think!
Hey Tuck! Sorry it took me so long to get a review done, I haven't been able to be on that much lately!

Anyway, this chapter is just as good as the last ones. I only have a few things to mention so here goes. This sentence, "It was pointless to tell Kiersten to stop pushing herself; Kiersten's obsession with greatness was both her greatest strength and her greatest downfall," you used "great" three times. I think it would be a good idea to switch the word "greatness" to something else because the other two go together. Also, considering Myra is in the same line of duty as Skylar, she wouldn't be so sweet. She would be understanding and sorry for her but not in the way you portrayed her. Remember, being in the military kind of lifestyle, women would have to be very tough. I liked how you made them talk and how they are friends but maybe don't make Myra so sweet.
Other than that, it was well done! I liked it and will be back for more!