Published July 31, 2006
Let me try to understand
There’s this feeling in my hand
It is a blade sinking deeper in my skin?
Did I rip, with my right hand?
And watch this seeping wound expand
And close my eyes and let the scissors do the talking?
My eyes are open and I think,
Now that you've made me feel this way,
What else waits amidst these so called doings?
I raise the blade towards my neck
Close my eyes, in due respect
And the let the scissors finish teasing, finish taunting.
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141,254 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I liked it alot
uh...thanks for the comments guys
as i said, it isnt one of my best
Awwww, brad is so sweeeet.
that wasn't helpful. I should say something helpful. Let me think...AH YES! I've discovered your rhyme scheme in the first stanza! Excellent!
Hey Miss Murder,
Can I offer up a critique? Enjoy some inline comments with hot chocolate:
Let me (try to) understand[:]
There’s (this )[a] feeling in my hand
(It is a blade )sinking deeper in my skin(?)[.]
Did I rip(,) with my right hand?
(And )watch th(is)[e] seeping wound expand
And close my eyes and let the scissors do the talking?
My eyes( are)[,] open and I think,
Now that (you've made me) [I] feel this way,
What else waits amidst these (so called) doings?
*This last question left me thinking, WTF? Find a better word than "doings". It ruins the poem, entirely. Not only that, but as such, it sounds like the troglodyte plea for sympathy.
I raise (the blade) [my hand] to(wards) my neck[,]
Close my eyes, in due respect
And the let the scissors finish [the] teasing(, finish) [and the] taunting.
I think too much of poetry today is consumed with suicide. After reading, I feel inclined to read something with less adolescent, self-indulgent navel-gazing like Oliver Twist. This can be better, and I look forward to future revisions.
All the best,
Brad
Should this be Is it a blade sinking deeper in my skin?
The way you have it worded doesn't really seem like a question, to me. But perhaps you meant to do that?
Anywho, I REALLY liked this poem. Especially the line, as Misty said, "And close my eyes and let my scissors do the talking?"
Great work!
I actually liked it. It's hard to critique poems, but it had a nice flow. I especially liked the like "let the scissors do the talking."
thansk for the comments. this isnt one of the best i've wrtten, just wanted to see what you guys thought.
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Snoink's right. Weak ending, undeserving of such a good poem.
It doesn't really have a god finish. It just sort of floats away. Maybe you can rearrange your ines so that it feels more conclusive?